7/24 - A few short stories

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Tuesday, July 24, 2007
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Yes, we’re still around and Its Christmas! (even though it’s
Pioneer day in Utah.)

Ok, it’s not really Christmas, but this month seems like a
December. Not because it’s cold. (We’ve had record days above 100º
this month) But, because this month is so darn busy!

Here are some updates, and some stories I can remember;

My Father’s estate; The antique auctioneer guy came and hauled all
of the antiques out of dad’s house. The auction is August 12th in
Ogden Utah, if anyone is interested.

We got my sweet wife’s little brother married off in Manti Utah.
It was on 07-07-07. I don’t think that Manti Temple has ever been
busier. They had something like 36 weddings there that day. On the
Friday before the wedding, we came down early and went fishing. I
caught 3 fish, but grandpa said I only caught 2 (and tied with
him). Probably because I let son #4 reel in one of my catches. But
I know I still out fished him! – At the reception when the groom
threw his new wife’s garter to the single males there, son #1
caught it. Now he just needs a girlfriend and a driver license!

Let’s see, what else? We’re getting a simple bath room remodel
done. But, our handy dude has gone missing for 3 days, and we’ve
got two huge holes in our basement floor, all the way to the dirt.
Looks like this is going to be a long job. [Huge update on this in
my next issue...]

A Funny; Son #4 said to my sweet wife today, “Mom this eye,”
(pointing to his “good” eye) “is for seeing. And this eye,”
(pointing to his totally blind eye) “is just for decoration.”

One last thing I can remember; Last night we took the Scout troop
up past Alta ski resort (at about 9200 feet) and had a quick camp
out. There were 6 Scouts sleeping in a large tent. There was a lot
of wile life around. We saw a full sized male moose wandering
through our camp, and heard several coyotes the next morning. But
that night, at 10:00 pm, I went over and told the boys to be
quiet. At 10:30 I did the same thing. Still no luck. At 11:00 I
had had enough. I quietly went over to the tent, started
‘sniffing’ and snorting. I moved the gravel around with my foot to
make them think something was out there. Then I scratched their
tent and made more noise. They kept on chatting. But, one boy
finally said, “What’s that? Be quiet! What was that?” After about
15 seconds they were all listening to me. Finally one boy stood
up, started to undue the window, and I growled really loud,
scaring all 6 of the boys, pretty good. They screamed and yelled,
and I finally said, “Now get to bed and be quiet this time!”



But, unfortunately, it was one of those, “Boy, that was a dumb
thing I did” moments. Those 6 boys were so scared, that they
stayed up most of the night scared to death of what was out there.
I even got a call from son #2 at 4:00 AM saying, “There’s a Moose
or an Elk sniffing outside my tent and I don’t know what to do!”
Yeah, right. At 4 AM while it’s pouring rain. Mr. Moose is bedded
down somewhere. Anyway, it was one of those nights.

I’ll tell you more about our Pioneer Trek adventure and “what’s
the worst thing that could happen to your house when you’re out
for a week” in my next issue.

Marty

6/11 - Kiki, Krap, and PMS

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Monday, June 11, 2007
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It’s been a busy week! Sons #3 and #4 went to week long Camp
Hobe. (Fun summer camp for kids with cancer and their siblings.)
Last year son #4 just went to day camp, but this year we decided to
let him go to week long camp. It was quite an experience to see how
my sweet wife and son #4 spent time apart. I could tell they both
missed each other a lot, but neither of them would admit it.

Last year for his birthday, son #3 got a parakeet that we named
Sky. She’s a really pretty bird that’s light blue and white. Well,
son #3 has been saving up money and wanted a larger cage and
another bird. There’s this place on the internet called FreeCycle,
where people offer ‘stuff’ that they don’t want. (Books, Bikes,
moving boxes, anything you can think of) and other people ‘ask’
for things that they need. The idea is to keep junk that other
people want, out of our landfills.

Well, since son #3 has done pretty well with his birds, I thought
it might be a good idea to give FreeCycle a try. So I asked if
anyone had a larger cage that they didn’t want. Bingo! A guy in
Tooele (about an hour away) had 2 birds and a cage. His wife was
allergic to the birds so he needed to get rid of them. It also
happened to be about 5 miles from where the boys went to Camp
Hobe. So, on the way to pick up the boys last Friday, we picked up
a couple of birds and a cage to go with. All 3 birds are doing
well.

Pom-Pom is a male that is light blue and white, like Sky. Kiki is
a green and yellow parakeet, who the former owner didn’t think
would last too long. He’s got tumor bumps showing on his body and
beak. (Is that something you tell your 6 year old with a history
of a brain tumor, that his brother’s new bird is going to die of a
tumor. We’ll just deal with that one later. So far so good...)

Anyway, Kiki loves to get out of the cage, fly around for a
second, and land on your shoulder. He’s pretty good about going
back in the cage when you put your finger out for him too. Since
my sweet wife and I are on a crash course to learn the penny
whistle for the trek, we’re always practicing. The other day my
sweet wife was sitting in the living room playing. Kiki got out
and flew to her shoulder. She thought it was pretty cool, so she
finished her practicing, and then put her finger up so the bird
would hop on and go back into the cage. We haven’t figured out the
reason why, but all of a sudden, Kiki crapped all over her
shoulder. I’m not sure if it was a comment on the fact that she
stopped playing, he didn’t like the why she played, or that he
just didn’t want to go into the cage. But, I don’t think I’ll
practice with a bird on my shoulder!

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

p.s. I hate the time after I realize that son #4 has another MRI
coming up, and before it’s over. It’s the crazy jittery time where
you just start to wonder, what if... So, a week from Tuesday
(the 19th) son #4 will have another MRI. A friend on the Pediatric
Brain Tumor email list calls it PMS. (Pre-MRI Syndrome). Ahh...
I’ve got it again...

Also, I was going through some x-ray exam notes the other day, and
came across some guys brain scan that mentioned his ependyma. It
caught my eye because son #4 had an ependymoma. I looked it up,
and it’s the lining over the brain under the skull. Then I got to
thinking, one of my kids was born “In Caul”, or being what they
call a “Caulbearer.” These are supposed to be some pretty special
kids. (some say 1 in 80,000 births) And, wouldn’t you know it,
it’s son #4. I knew there was something special about that boy.

=-=-=-


How embarrasssing


How embarrasssing


I hate construction!

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Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you
could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a
half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the
teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have
six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half
dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my
head and ordered six McNuggets

=-=-=-

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and
the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I
picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash
register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get
mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up
the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could
scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how
much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think
I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things
and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
~#1 Mom

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A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wal-Mart in
a buggy. Each time she put something in the basket she would say,
"And here's something for you, Diploma." or "This will make a cute
little outfit for you, Diploma." and so on. Eventually a
bewildered shopper who'd heard all this finally asked, "Why do you
keep calling your grandchild Diploma?" The grandmother replied, "I
sent my daughter to Virginia Tech and this is what she came home
with!"

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Jim was a just out of boot camp, and was on his first ship. About
two hours out of port, he began to get a bit ill from the motion
of the ship. He approached an ensign, also just out of training
and on his first cruise. He saluted and said, "Excuse me sir, I am
feeling seasick, and I wondered if I may have permission to go
downstairs to the dispensary." The ensign returned his salute and
replied, "Sailor, you are in the Navy now. You don't go downstairs, you go below! There is no dispensary on this ship,
there is sickbay. Not only that, that is not the floor, it is a
deck, that is not the ceiling, it is the overhead, that is not a
pillar, it is a stanchion, that is not a water fountain, it is a
scuttlebutt. If I ever hear you using civilian words instead of
Naval jargon, I till throw you out of that little round window
over there."

6/1 - Smok'n Hot Asphalt Pie?

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Friday, June 01, 2007
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I really like my Friday’s off. Today I felt guilty and figured I
needed to get out and take a walk. I invited my sweet wife, and
since yesterday was son #4’s last day of school, I invited him to.
I usually go to the park and walk around the mile long path, then
back home. It’s about 2 mile total.

Anyway, son #4 was just full of questions.
“How come we’re going walking dad?”
“So we can burn some calories.”
“What’s a calorie?”
“It’s a measure of energy and can be stored as fat in your body. If you have too many calories, you have too much fat.”
“Oh”

“Dad, how come the road is black?”
“Because that’s how they made it.”
“What do the make the road with?”
“Asphalt” I said.
“Asphalt? That sounds like your butt made a mistake” he replied
I laughed and said, “So a fart is an asphalt ‘eh?”
My sweet wife didn’t that was such a good thing to put into his
head...

We walked on further and I asked, “What’s that?”
“It’s a fire hydrant”
“What’s it used for?”
“In emergencies, firemen come and squirt water out of it”
“They hook it up to their fire truck and squirt water on house fires, right?”
“Yup”

I went on to tell him a story when I was about his age... I’ll let
my #1 mom tell it. We had just returned home from going out to
dinner with the neighbors...

“It was dark when we came home and it was a school night so I
had to get you kids to bed right away. I sent you to your
rooms to get your pj's on and when I went to put you in bed,
I smelled smoke. I frantically searched the house for the
source and when I couldn't find it, I put everybody's coat on
(I think it was in December) and we waited right by the front
door for the fire department. The front door had the top half
glass. It took forever for the fire department to get there
(they couldn't find the house and our street was a new street
that they couldn't locate). Anyway, they came in to look for
the fire. I'll never forget how huge they seemed with their
hats and boots and jackets. Anyway, as you know, they finally
found your sock, which you had thrown up in the air and it
landed on top of the pin-up lamp which was on your wall. It
was singed, but hadn't flamed up. I remember thinking "if I
burned his house down, Dad would kill me."

So, anyway, son #4 got a kick out of that story and we walked and
burned our calories.

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-

Here’s a great video


More than just fire fighting...



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One evening I was driving my six-year-old daughter to her
grandparents' home for an overnight stay. It was late, there was
little traffic and we were enjoying a peaceful ride. It was a far
cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive her to
various activities during rush hour. My daughter seemed deep in
thought when she said, "I have a question." "What do you want to
know?" "Mom, when you're driving," she asked, "are you ever the
idiot?"

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A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the
circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any
experience and the man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the
most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything
he knew." "Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to
make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?" "Yes he did," the man
replied. "And did he teach you how to have six lions form a
pyramid?" "Yes he did," the man replied. "And have you ever stuck
your head in a lion's mouth?" "Just once," the man replied. The
ringmaster asked, "Why only once?" And the man said, "I was
looking for my father."
~Wanda D.

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How to rope a deer.... by an anonymous Gentleman Rancher

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a
stall, feed it up on corn for a several weeks, then kill it and
eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I
figured that since they congregated at my cattle feeder and do not
seem to have much fear of me when we are there(a bold one will
sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am
in the back of the truck not 4 feet away) that it should not be
difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head
(to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home. I filled
the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The
cattle, who had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.
They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes my deer
showed up...3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped
out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just
stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist
and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still
just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly
concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards
it. It took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and
received an education. The first thing that I learned is that
while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you
rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on the
rope. That deer EXPLODED! The second thing I learned is that pound
for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or
a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope with
some dignity. A deer, no chance. That thing ran and bucked and
twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no
getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started
dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a
deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally
imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as much
stamina as some animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired
and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me. It
took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded
by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head, but I then
managed to get up. Right at that point I had lost my taste for
corn fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the
end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope
hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully
somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and
that evil deer. At that moment, I hated the thing and I would
venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in
my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested
the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large
rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think
clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I
shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we
were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death.
I managed to get it lined up to back in between my truck and the
feeder...a little trap I had set beforehand. Kind of like a
squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and started moving up so
I could get my rope back. Did you know that deer bite? THEY DO! I
never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite
somebody so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab
that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer
bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just
bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head,
almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts. The proper
thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw
back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for
several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being
smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim
by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out
of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that
rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior
for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They
rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and
shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned
a long time ago that when an animal like a horse strikes at you
with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to
do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards
the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you
can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so such
trickery did not work. In the course of a millisecond I devised a
different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and
run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run
from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that
it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so
different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and
three times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me
right in the back of the head and knocked me down. Now when a deer
paws at you and knocks you down it does not immediately leave. I
suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What
they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while
you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your
head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went
away.

Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split
open, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty
good and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and
my back was bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas
jacket had protected me from most of the worst of it. I drove to
the nearest place, which was the co-op. I got out of the truck,
covered in blood and dust and looking like hell. The guy who ran
the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling
"Oh my God, What happened?" Now, I have never seen any law in the
state of Texas that would prohibit an individual from roping a
deer. I suspect that this is an area that they have overlooked
entirely. Probably because they didn't think anyone would be
stupid enough to try. And knowing, as I do, the lengths to which
law enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was
concerned that they may find a way to twist some existing laws to
paint my actions as criminal. I swear....not wanting to admit that
I had done something monumentally stupid played no part in my
response. I told him "I was attacked by a deer." I did not
mention that at the time It had my rope on it. The evidence was
all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it
had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face where it
had struck me. I asked him to call somebody to come get me...I
didn't think I could make it home on my own. So he did. Later that
afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to know
about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing
and Parks & Wildlife was interested in the event. I tried to
describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could ......
"Well, I was just filling the grain hopper and this deer came out
of nowhere and started kicking the hell out of me and BIT me! It
was obviously rabid or insane or something!" EVERYBODY for miles
around now knows about the deer attack (the guy at the co-op has a
big mouth). For several weeks people dragged their kids into the
house when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried
rifles when they filled their feeders. I have told several people
the story, but NEVER anybody around here. I have to see these
people every day and as a relative outsider ("gentleman
rancher/city folk" some say)...I have enough trouble fitting in
without them snickering behind my back and whispering "There's the
dumb-guy that tried to rope the deer !!".

5/28 - Memorial Day Fun!

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Monday, May 28, 2007
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Happy Memorial Day! I thought I’d do a quick post this morning.
Our weekend has been pretty eventful so far. We all went to
Thoroughly Modern Millie on Friday. At first son #4 didn’t want to
go. The only thing he’s ever heard about Hale Centre Theater
(where the play was) was the accident where a stage hand got
caught in the moving stage. Before we went, son #4 kept asking if
anyone else was going to get hurt when the stage moved. When we
got there, he acted like he didn’t want to be there at all. But
about 5 minutes into the show when the stage moved for the first
time, his eyes got big and he said, “That was cool mom!” He loved
the show and stood on his chair and clapped at the end. All 4 boys
loved the play and kept asking when we were going again. Hmm...
‘Culture’ is cool, unfortunately it takes $$ to take 6 of us out.

Anyway, our next foray for the weekend was Pirates of the
Caribbean III - At Worlds End. It was a movie and prizes event
were a company also invited Make-a-Wish families. (Son #4 refused
to go because he got scared at the first Pirates movie, so we took
a cousin). Anyway, I won a hat and gave it to son #4 when we got
home. The movie wasn’t that impressive. The action scenes were
cool, the music was great, and Keith Richards from The Rolling
Stones, fit the roll of Jack’s father pretty close. One glaring
problem with the movie was the story line. It was SO hard to keep
track of who’s doing what to whom and why. It was like channel
surfing. I kept asking myself, “Why did they just do that?” and “I
don’t understand why so and so is now fighting so and so when they
were just making a deal 10 minutes ago.” Another problem
throughout this series is the dialogue is still hard to follow.
It’s hard enough to catch what they’re saying in real life, but
combine heavy accents with an octopus makeup and no lips, and
things go downhill from there.

Bottom line, I give it a 2 out of 4 boys rating. I’d wait for it
to come to your local dollar theater...

At Church on Sunday son #4 kept asking to get home quickly. He had
a treat ahead of him. Last week I put my dad’s MG on craigslist
and on a couple of other places on the internet. I got tons of
calls, and a lot of people looking at it. A guy who lives just a
couple miles south of us came and bought it on Friday, but son #4
was not too happy with me for selling it. We took a few last
pictures of him in it. (Here he’s protecting the MG with a squirt
gun from the evil MG buyer.)



Anyway, son #4 started to cry when the guy came to pick it up. It
was pretty heart wrenching. But, the guy was really cool and said,
“Son #4, tell you what. How about I bring by another cool car on
Sunday and take you for a drive?” Son #4 with a frown on his face,
a big lower lip, and still looking at the ground, nodded yes. Ever
since the guy drove the MG away, son #4 kept asking when the guy
with the cool car would come back and give him a ride.

So, Sunday afternoon rolled around and son #4 was really excited.
He kept asking me to call the guy and ask when he would be here. I
didn’t want to appear too anxious, but I finally caved in. A
couple hours later he drove up in this really sweet 1954 Corvette
convertible. Son #4 said, “Wow!” He got a good 15 minute ride, but
I knew what was coming next. The poor guy had to haul all 4 boys
around the neighborhood too. But he was a good sport and said it
wasn’t a problem. And, it turns out, he and my boys may be
related.

His parents were from Star Valley Wyoming, and part of the Olsen
family. (As in Merlin Olsen of the NFL, and Little House on the
Prairie fame.) My sweet mother-in-law’s aunt was an Olsen from
Star Valley. Well, it’s a little convoluted, but that’s what I get
when I know my genealogy.





Speaking of convoluted, have you ever heard of “The Six Degrees of
Kevin Bacon”? It was a popular 90’s game where you try to link
actors or actresses with Kevin Bacon. It is said that everyone in
Hollywood is within 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon. Here’s an example;
Take a not very well known actress in Soap Operas name Ellen
Wheeler. (ok, she’s at least not well known to me...)

Ellen Wheeler was in Without Evidence (1995) with W. Earl Brown
W. Earl Brown was in Sugar & Spice (2001) with Rachel Blanchard
Rachel Blanchard was in Where the Truth Lies (2005) with Kevin Bacon

So Ellen would be 3 degrees from Kevin bacon. Then I got to
thinking. And yes, I am now famous. I am only 4 degrees from Kevin
Bacon! Here’s how.

Marty is related to son #4 by birth.
Son #4 is Merlin Olsen’s 1st cousin, twice removed. (true)
Merlin Olsen was in Mitchell (1975) with Joe Don Baker
Joe Don Baker was in Criminal Law (1988) with Kevin Bacon

I just have too much time on my hands... But, I couldn’t go
camping this weekend, could I?? Ok, enough dumb stuff, I gotta get
ready for the baseball game today!

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-

Finally! Episode 8 of Chad Vader.
You can see the Chad Vader Series starting with this issue...



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A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of
the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination
room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older
doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told her
story. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where
the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter
with you?" the older doctor demanded "Mrs. Reid is 62 years old,
has four grown children and seven grandchildren. And you told her
she was pregnant?" The younger doctor continued writing and
without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

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Before I could visit my daughter at her naval base in Japan, I was
told I needed to supply her with some important information to
give to security. The list included the following: passport
number, height, weight, year of birth and anticipated hair color
at time of arrival.

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On his way home from work recently, my husband came upon a 'Road
Closed' sign. Undeterred, he maneuvered his truck around it and
continued on. But he didn't get very far. The pavement ended,
giving way to another, larger sign: "What Part of 'Road Closed'
Didn't You Understand?"

5/21 - Messy Chocolate Sauce

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Monday, May 21, 2007
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Last week we went over to our neighbor’s home to practice the
penny whistle for the trek. This neighbor is one of the sweetest,
hardest working, and organized women I know. After our practice
she asked if we wanted any home made chocolate sauce on ice cream.
(Well duh...) it was the best I’d ever had, so I asked her for the
recipe. (See the P.P.S. below). Then I made some on Friday night
for the boys. Saturday my sweet wife and I were out, and our
neighbor said that he stopped son #4 on the street that day. “How
come your shirt is so dirty, what did you have for lunch?” Son #4
replied, “I think burritos and cottage cheese.” The neighbor
replied, “Well, what’s all over your shirt?” Son #4 looked down at
his shirt and suddenly remembered, “Oh, that was my after
breakfast dessert, chocolate sauce!”



Then tonight for family night, we went to a concert of son #3’s
and then out to dinner. During dinner son #4 needed to use the
facilities. He asked me what the peanut shaped things in the
urinal were, and I said they were things that made the bathroom
smell fresher. When he was done and started to wash his hands, he
got really wild with the water and soaked himself and his shirt.
He ran back to the table before I could get him dried off any
more.

“What happened to him?” my sweet wife said.

“He got a little wild with the...” and then I was cut off...

“Mom! There are these cool things in the bathroom that when you
pee all over them, they smell good!”

My sweet wife looked at a soaking wet boy and then at me for an
explanation.

I just smiled.

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

p.s. Here are the answers to last weeks quiz.

In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it
at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will
be the same word.

p.p.s.

Chocolate sauce recipe

2 cubes butter (1 cup) – [Ok, I didn’t say it was low cal, did I?]
3 cups sugar
½ cup cocoa
1 12-oz. can of evaporated milk
1-2 teaspoons vanilla

Melt first four ingredients together in a heavy pan. (It will
about double in size when boiling so get a bigger pot then you
need. Ask me about my clean up...) Stir with a wire whip. Boil a
total of one minutes only, stirring constantly. Remove from heat.
Add vanilla. (Sauce will thicken after being cooled.) Store any
leftovers in refrigerator. Makes 1 quart.


=-=-=-
Here is something to do with your chocolate sauce besides eat
it...


Amazing Juggling Finale by Chris Bliss


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In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any
stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single
digits or below. About 3 AM on very cold morning, Montana State
Trooper, Allan Nixon #658, responded to a call there was a car off
the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana. He located
the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running.
Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the
trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed
out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat
beside him. The driver came awake when the trooper tapped on the
window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the
state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He
jerked the gear-shift into "drive" and hit the gas. The car's
speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 MPH, but it was still
stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a sense
of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but
stationary) car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the
trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about
30 seconds, then the trooper yelled, "PULL OVER!" The man nodded,
turning his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to day the man
from North Dakota was arrested and is probably still shaking his
head over the state trooper from Montana who could run 50 miles
per hour. Who says troopers don't have a sense of humor?

~Jan D.

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You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is
a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the
same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the
same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a
helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the
helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must
you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get
off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.

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My husband and I found a charming bed-and-breakfast nestled in the
White Mountains of New Hampshire. Though enchanted, I nonetheless
had some questions about the accommodations. "Does the room have
its own bath?" I asked. Nodding, the proprietor answered, "If no
one else comes, it does."

5/14 - Carrot Flavored Chap Stick

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday, May 14, 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok, so you take a little time of to study for finals, and the next
day you make another excuse and it starts to become a habit. Then
the Jazz games come up and it’s easy to use them as an excuse too.
Well, I’ll try to be better at posting this week.

On Mother’s day morning, son #4 jumped out of bed, checked to make
sure my sweet wife was still bed, and ran to the kitchen. He came
back with a large carrot on a plate and a glass of water. My sweet
wife said, “Oh, thank you so much son #4. That was very
thoughtful. But why a carrot for breakfast?” He replied, “So you
won’t have to clean the dishes mom.”

Hmm... very thoughtful boy.

We were watching the Jazz pummel the Warriors last night, and son
#3 came running up and blurted out to everyone watching the game,
“Son #4 just said the ‘F’ word! Son #4 just said the ‘F’ word!” I
said, did you? He replied, “I didn’t know it was a bad word.”

Not knowing that he had ever heard of it, I asked him to whisper
it into my ear. He did. (While everyone in the room looked on in
silence). I asked him to say it again. He did. I whispered back,
“Did that word end with a ‘D’ like doggie?” He said, “Yes, but I
didn’t know it was a bad word.” I told him it was close, but
wasn’t the real ‘F’ word. (Son #3 seemed disappointed and walked
out of the room.) I told son #4 that he had better be careful what
he said, and that he should watch his mouth.

Then, with all the candor of a 6 year old, and with a huge lower
lip protruding off of his face, he said in a sad voice, “But I
don’t know ~how` to watch my mouth.”

We all laughed at that!

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-

Here’s an interesting article I came across. It seems a lady wanted to turn her dead father into a diamond. Sometimes lawsuits are worth filing.

Woman loses battle to turn dead dad into diamond

=-=-=-
Here’s a couple of drawing videos

Will Draw for food


drawing savant



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An actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator.

The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC 20510

Dear Senator Harkin:
As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue
Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted
the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the
process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from US Citizen
to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by
the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this
bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in
the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a
citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the
last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am
anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay
taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two
years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any
way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield
an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy
taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local
emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have
stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant
figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my
daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law
school applications, as well as "instate" tuition rates for many
colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the
burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome
car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I
still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become
illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary
forms, I would be most appreciative.

Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,
Donald Ruppert
Burlington, IA

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GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER


1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy



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Subject: DO YOU THINK ENGLISH IS EASY?

Can you read these correctly the first time?

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time
to present the present ..

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

=-=-=-

To all the Mothers out there HAPPY MOTHERS DAY, this one is for you!

We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack . Jack was a great
cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing
ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on
this mat in our bathroom. Well we have 3 kids and at the time of
this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The
middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chap stick. LOVES it. He kept
asking to use my chap stick and then losing it. So finally one day
I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chap stick and how he
could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right
back in the drawer when he was done. Last year on Mother's Day, we
were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for
Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are
fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my
little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything
is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful
day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I
am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round
the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was
applying my chap stick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end.
Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have
a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look
pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.

And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it
was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the
hundredth.

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it
reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these
glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you
realize they've been using your chap stick on the cat's butt.

4/30 - Must... Study...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday, April 30, 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok, I need to study more for my final tomorrow. But, I couldn’t
let you guys go without at least a video or two, now could I??

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

p.s. Today it was son #4’s turn for a family night lesson. He
wanted to talk about the evils of smoking. He also told us how bad
it was to smoke “hair-a-wanna”.

I guess so!


=-=-=-

Why Ice Fishing Sucks



The Worst Computer Graphics Ever

4/26 - Our next big project!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, April 26, 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s been a busy week. Trying to study for finals, helping kids
with home work, yadda yadda... Yesterday I took the older Scouts
Geocaching. I haven’t done it (successfully) for awhile, so I
thought with a bit of help, we’d do a good job. We did! We found 4
caches. I think one boy in particular had a great time, so I think
I’ve hooked another cacher!

Our next big project;
People thought I was crazy when I took my sweet wife, son #2, and
myself, and joined the stake play in The Sound of Music. We
started just months after son #4 had his brain surgery to take out
the tumor, and days before my dad died on Christmas day. Yes,
looking back, I was nut. But, it kept my mind off of things.

Then, a few months after the play, I took a job in Radiology as a
PACS administrator. I didn’t know the first thing about radiology.
(Ok, I still don’t...)

Then, I decided, (Well, my boss really...) that since I didn’t
know the first thing about radiology, that I ought to go back to
school (after 7 years), and learn something. So I did.

So, now I’ve decided that summer time is my family’s time. No
school for me. So, what did I do? I volunteered to go on the Trek
with my sweet wife and son #1.



Trek? What’s the Trek?

In April of 1847, the Mormon Pioneers were forced out of the
Midwest, and walked (with hand carts) over 1000 miles to the Salt
Lake Valley. Mormon culture is heavily immersed with Pioneer
stories of their travels. Many reenact their journey by traveling
part of the pioneer trail in Wyoming, with hand carts, dressed in
period costume, for a week. I believe its 30 miles in 4 days.

With our musical background, my sweet wife and I have been asked
to learn how to play the Irish whistle and to be part of the
nightly entertainment. (We’ll also help with cooking and cleaning
for 300 people) We’re not required to walk with the “Ma’s and Pa’s
and their kids” but, I may for a day or two anyway. So, for the
next 90 days (at least after my final on Tuesday) I’ve got a new
instrument to learn, and a lot more walking to do during my lunch
break! I remember the months preparing for my one week in Joshua
Tree National Forest, hiking with Outward Bound. I could tell you
stories...

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

Too Late... More Jokes and Videos tomorrow! (maybe...)

=-=-=-

More about The Trek

4/16 - Chicago Loose Tooth Dog

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday, April 16, 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last night son #4 had his second tooth come out. You have to
remember that each loose tooth that comes out of his head is a
blessing because we’re not sure HOW screwed up his noodle is going
to be because of his radiation treatments. So, a 2nd adult tooth
that comes in is a blessing.

But, even with such a momentous occasion, the tooth fairy forgot
(again...) to leave some money under the pillow. [If you have the
chance again, don’t ever be a 4th child. I don’t think that ever
happened with son #1...]

So, this morning son #4 came up to my sweet wife and said, “Mom,
the tooth fairy left my tooth, but forgot to leave any money.” My
quick thinking wife snuck a couple of bucks and said, “Are you
sure? Let’s go double check.” And they walked back into his room.
“Oh, here it is. You probably just didn’t see it.” He was as happy
as a clam. So when I saw him tonight, my sweet wife said, “Tell
dad what happened this morning.” He told the story and said, “And
I just didn’t see the money dad. Mom helped me find it though, so
it’s ok.”

Now, are we terrible parents or what? First, lying to a 6 year old
about the tooth fairy, then playing off of a legally blind 6 year
old to pull the switcheroo with a couple of bucks, and on top of
that, having the dad confirm the deed by saying, ‘Isn’t that great
son. Your mom is such a good mom.” I know we’re going to have to
pay for these sins some day, some how...

Tonight, we decided to have family night on the road. After
finishing up my dad’s stupid income tax stuff earlier this year
(he didn’t pay income taxes for the 5 years before he died. And
what a mess that was...), we were able to sell one of his
properties. The new owners asked us to clean out my dad’s storage
closet. So, for family night, we met at the old property and
hauled out more of my dad’s stuff. (Who knows where we’re going to
put MORE of his stuff at my house, which is currently bursting at
the seams...) Afterwards the boys said, “Let’s go out to eat dad!”
I told them I wasn’t hungry and could eat at home. But, on the way
home, I got a craving for a good old Chicago Dog.

There is a new place in town called JohnnieBeefs. And, it does a
fair job with the Chicago dog. Not quite the ‘snappy skin’ type
dogs you get in Chicago, but nevertheless, a pretty good
imitation. (My sweet wife loves to tell the story about the time
we were at Gene and Judes in River Grove Illinois west of Chicago.
She wanted some ketchup for the kids’ fries. So, while I waited in
the van, she went back in. She said the place got deathly quiet
while the lady behind the counter scolded her for even ~thinking~
about asking for ketchup. Well, there you go.)



At JonnieBeefs, at least they have ketchup. Anyway, we had a good
healthy (??) dinner on family night, and son #4 even at two full
Chicago dogs!

For tonight’s video offering, I found a tooth pulling video. It’s
of a cute little 6 year old girl. But, they might be coddling her
just a wee bit. I found a second video of the same girl, several
years later, all grown up, getting a surprise birthday gift.
You’ll love today’s videos.

Tooth Pulling Video



Now, here's the same Girl, all grown up...
Ok, not really, but as far as I can see, this video
is real. Not something I'd want all over the internet.
(But then she's not my kid...)
Enjoy



Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section

[About Phone numbers on the internet]

Hi Marty, Once Sally's name is on the internet there's not a lot
you can do. You can pay the Phone Co a monthly fee to not publish
it in the first place. But you know the answer; Get a new number
and use Vonage! Be sure to say Marty sent you. [That's what The
Shadow Knows (grin)] I really enjoy your blog, and tho I don't
write often, your family is usually in my prayers.
~Randy in Sacramento.

Marty, I know how to get your phone# separated from your name &
address on the internet. Go to www.whitepages.com, look yourself
up and use the remove option. It worked for me.
~Amber K. in CA

[And about the double standard]
As far as I'm concerned, you're 100% right, Marty!!! But hey... If
Jackson and Sharpton didn't start up all the racial controversy,
they wouldn't get anymore money from the idiots that fund them...
...Why would either of them stick their noses in any of these
cases if not for profit?
~Cookie

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Get on with the Jokes already!

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Following Directions;

Follow these steps in order:

1. Go to http://maps.google.com

2. Type in (without quotes) “from new york to paris france”

3. Scroll down in the directions list to number 24.

4. Laugh a moment, and then forward this email this to anyone else
who needs a good laugh.

~Stan D.


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We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and
several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one
point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a
talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does
anyone know what the bishop does?" There was silence. Finally, one
little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move
diagonally."

~Wanda D.

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So as not to be outdone by all the Redneck, Hillbilly, and Texan
jokes, somebody had to come up with this. (Tongue in cheek, of
course!)

You know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring,
and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm
donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans
are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and
Ethiopian.

8. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

9. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

10. Unlike back home, the guy sitting in Starbucks at 8:30 a.m.
wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George
Clooney really IS George Clooney.

11. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

12. Its barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news
station: "STORM WATCH."

13. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are
all busy with their cell phones or Ipods.

14. Its barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an
hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

15. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal
trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

16. The Terminator is your governor.

17. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If
you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

4/10 - Oh Crap!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Darn, if I shoulda, woulda, coulda, studied a bit more for my test
today, I could have done better. But, everything is pulling my
strings every which way. (Then my #1 mom sends me a letter that I
put in our 3rd joke spot today. Just a wee bit more pressure.
[grin] Although I did invite her to lunch last Friday which she
politely declined...) Anyway, I won’t know what the results of my
Biology test until Thursday and no sense worrying about it now. I
just need a good enough grade so work will pay for the classes.

While I was at school, my sweet wife went to her ISA meeting.
and son #1 was at Scouts. So, #2, #3 and #4 were at Grandmas. I
stopped by to pick them up and they were watching the history
channel. It was “All About Plumbing” or something like that. They
were really interested, especially when they showed the inventor
of the flush toilet, Thomas Crapper. The boys were rolling on
the floor laughing when the lady said, “and people started saying
where going to the crapper, because that’s what the toilet said
on it.” The boys thought that was the funniest thing in the world.
Then they started getting even sillier telling Crapper joke.
Even son #4 got into the act. But, when we started to leave I got
serious and told them, “Ok, enough Thomas Crapper jokes. We’ve
had our fun, but that’s the end. Ok?” They stopped joking but
were still smiling.

I actually have a pretty good bunch of boys. They know when to
have fun, and when to stop. At least most of the time...

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Headline news;

Remember the female Marine who was captured by Iran for 13 days.
Pretty interesting what she said to Ahmadinejad before she left.
I’d have thought about giving him what-for, but not sure I would
have...

Faye's blast at squirming tyrant
GUTSY Faye Turney turned the tables on Iranian tyrant Mahmoud
Ahmadinejad as he freed her in front of TV cameras — making
him SQUIRM.

=-=-=-
Today’s Video Section

Here’s a cool little video that was on Good Morning America. This
guy made a cool video of kitchen sounds. It’s “A song made
entirely with things I found in my kitchen. It starts slow, but
gets going fast! It carries a reference to my previous video
'Pancakes'. As seen on ABC's Good Morning America!”

Beat Soufflé


And, of course, it couldn’t be a whole day without
Chad Vader episode 6!


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My sister-in-law Bonnie was very busy one day working in her
house. She had just gotten to the basement after quite a few trips
up and down when she heard the telephone ring upstairs. Tiredly,
she ran back up the stairs only to hear a solicitor on the other
end. "Hello, is this Bonnie D?"

"Yes."

"We are calling people in your area and would like to know if you
would help us by participating in a brief survey."

Without missing a beat, she told them, "I'm very busy right now.
You will have to survey your own briefs."


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Google has implemented a new feature which enables you to type a
telephone number into the search bar and hit enter and you will be
given the person's name and address. If you then hit MapQuest, you
will get a map to the person's house. Everyone should be aware of
this! It's a nationwide reverse telephone book.

If a child gives out his/her phone number, someone can now look it
up to find out where he/she lives. The safety issues are obvious,
and alarming.

Note that you can have your phone number removed or blocked. I
tried my number and it came up along with the mapquest and
directions straight to our house. I did fill out the removal form
for myself, and encourage all of you to do the same. Quite scary.

Please look up your own number.

In order to test whether your phone number is mapped, go to:
google (http://www.google.com/) Type your phone number in the
search bar (i.e. 555-555-1212) and hit enter. If you want to BLOCK
Google from divulging your private information, simply click on
your telephone number and then click on the Removal Form. Removal
takes 48-hours.

Check your own number and although this may not apply to you if
you have an unlisted number or cell phone as primary contact, but
you may know someone who needs to know this.

Please share this information with friends and family.


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After 21 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another
woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, "I love you, but I know
this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with
you."

The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER, who
has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my
three children had made it possible to visit her only
occasionally.

That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a
movie.

"What's wrong, are you well," she asked?

My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call
or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news.

"I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you,"
I responded. "Just the two of us."

She thought about it for a moment, and then said, "I would like
that very much."

That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit
nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too,
seemed to be nervous about our date.

She waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled her hair
and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last
wedding anniversary.

She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel's. "I told
my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were
impressed," she said, as she got into the car. "They can't wait to
hear about our meeting."

We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice
and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady.

After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only
read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes
and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on
her lips. "It was I who used to have to read the menu when you
were small," she said.

"Then it's time that you relax and let me return the favor," I
responded.

During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation, nothing
extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other's
life. We talked so much that we missed the movie.

As we arrived at her house later, she said, "I'll go out with you
again, but only if you let me invite you." I agreed.

"How was your dinner date?" asked my wife when I got home. "Very
nice. Much more so than I could have imagined," I answered.

A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It
happened so suddenly that I didn't have a chance to do anything
for her.

Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a
restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined.


An attached note said: "I paid this bill in advance. I wasn't sure
that I could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two plates –
one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what
that night meant for me. I love you, son."

At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: "I
LOVE YOU" and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve.
Nothing in life is more important than your family. Give them the
time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off till
"some other time".

4/7 - How many activities can you pack into one day?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saturday, April 07, 2007
[Our 450th post!]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a busy Saturday. We went to an Easter Egg Hunt, Home Depot
Kids workshop, trap shooting, and Geocaching. (I’ll get to that
studying soon, I promise...) I’ve posted a couple of pics online of
the boys today.

Also, some have asked where Chad Vader episode 4 is. It’s now
posted. Enjoy!

And, speaking of shooting and clay pigeons, I’m also posted “clay
pigeons are for wimps” video online.

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

p.s. Oops, almost forgot. Happy Easter tomorrow!

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Son #1 shooting - Look at the ear plugs. I'm such a good dad...


Sons #2 and 3 at the kids workshop.
Notice how they never argue about anything...


Son #4 at Kids work shop

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Chad Vader Episode 4


Clay Pigeons are for Wimps

4/4 - I won, but at the wrong game

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ahh... finally a night that I don’t have something to do! School,
Family night, Camping, Scouts, and date nights keep me busy. But
the Scouts went last night, and it’s not date or school night, so
I’m free! Before I left work today, I told my co-worker, “quiz me
tomorrow. Ask me if I finally sent my taxes in.”

So, I had a good dinner with the kids while my sweet wife went off
to Relief Society. I came down to do taxes and son #3 begged me to
play Brood Wars with him. I’m a sucker for Brood Wars. Now, not
only to I have to confess not doing my taxes, I also get to feel
guilty for not studying for a biology test that’s coming up on
Tuesday. *sigh* I guess I can’t win the right games. But, playing
with son #3 is something, right? (plus, I smoked him!)

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

p.s. I uploaded 3 of the best pics of son #4 skiing yesterday.
Goof’n around, skiing with the instructor, and doing the Superman
thing.

p.p.s. Ok, there are a ton of cool videos out there. I’m going to
start to put some extra ones in once in awhile. Check out Chad
Vader. A series of videos I found. Then there’s a dinner in the
sky. Would you pay a fortune to sit up there and eat? Plus, what
whould happen if you have to go to the bathroom?

p.p.p.s. I only got one submission for the puzzle pics, so I’ll
give you one more day...

=-=-=-
Son #3 Pics


Goof'n at the lodge


SUPERMAN!


Skiing backwards taking a picture.

=-=-=-
Funny Picture section
If military spending gets cut, this is what we’ll end up with





~Krystal B.

=-=-=-
Video Section

Chad Vader (Episode 1)


=-=-=-

Dinner in the Sky

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Every Friday after work, a mathematician goes down to the Ice
Cream Parlor, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last
seat, which is empty, and asks a girl, who isn't there, if he can
buy her an ice cream cone. The owner, who is used to the weird,
local university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when
Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a
particularly heart wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets
the better of him, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid
questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in
that last stool, man. Why do you persist in asking out empty
space?" The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum
physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come
into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the
proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly
appear there." The owner raises his eyebrows. "Really?
Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes
here every Friday if you could buy HER a cone? Never know... she
might say yes." The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right. How likely
is THAT to happen?"
~Wanda D.

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"I wish I were telepathic. Not just to read people's minds, which
would be cool, but to cut down on my cellular phone bill."
~Paul Wiley

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Once upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did something really
stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up.
However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done.
"Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing
that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'"

"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget that I've
forgiven and forgotten."

4/3 - Slip Sliding away

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Son #4 and I had a great time skiing today. It’s spring, and the
snow skiing season is winding down, so the snow was pretty wet and
slushy (comparatively speaking. It was still pretty good for
skiing). I had my short rental skis (easier to control but slower)
and a bit more confidence than 2 weeks ago. I got some good
(wonderful cell phone) pictures of son #4 skiing while I skied in
front of him, backwards(!). Skiing must be like riding a bike,
because I didn’t forget a thing. (Of course, I was on the bunny
hill all day, but still...) I’ll have to get the pics off of my
phone and uploaded them, maybe tomorrow.

Son #4 wanted to impress me by not hanging on to a pole with his
instructor. He did it all day! We even raced on 4 different runs.
(Ok, he ‘beat’ me on 3 of the runs, but my competitive nature
wouldn’t let him win all 4!) When I told him to lean forward so
he’d go faster, his instructor told him to put his hands out in
front of him like superman. Now, close your eyes and imagine a
little kid, book’n down the ski slopes, leaning forward, hands in
front of him, singing the superman theme song, with a “impaired
vision” orange vest on. No wonder half of the slope looked at him
and smiled. He was having a wonderful time!

On the other hand, there was this ‘new’ skier. You can kind of
tell who they are. He had on all of the fancy clothes, skiing out
of control, and almost running into everyone. (Hey, wait; everyone
was wearing fancy clothes, it was Park City after all!) He almost
ran into son #4 but just clipped the back of his skis. At the end
of the day, he was laying at the bottom of the hill, ski patrol
all around him, with his leg in a huge splint. I turned to son
#4’s instructor and said, “Oh, I remember him.” She smiled and
said, “Yeah, me too...”

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

p.s. Today’s video is a prank in the park I wish I would have come
up with. I’d have love to do it!

p.p.s. In Today’s Puzzle Picture section, I’ve posted some
pictures sent in by my old buddy Doug L. Look at them and tell me
what they are supposed to be. If I get enough response, I’ve got a
few more I’ll post!

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section

Marty, I think you may be studying a bit too much. You typed,
Thank you all for your PATIENTS.
Best joke of the day.
~Amber in CA.

[Thanks Amber. I think that one works both ways...]

=-=-=-
Today’s Video Section


I wish I would have thought of this!

=-=-=-
Today’s Puzzle Picture Section






What do these represent? Send your answers in today!
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A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by
his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you
carry a flashlight?" The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on
how fast ya carry it!"
~Wanda D.

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An oldie...

When I worked for the security department of a large retail store,
my duties included responding to fire and burglar alarms. A side
door of the building was wired with a security alarm, because it
was not supposed to be used by customers. Nevertheless they found
the convenience of the exit tempting. Even a sign with large red
letters, warning "Alarm will sound if opened," failed to deter
people from using it. One day, after attending to a number of
shrieking alarms, I placed a small handmade sign on the door that
totally eliminated the problem: "Wet paint."
~#1 Mom

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I OWE MY MOTHER . . .

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the
middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not
going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an
accident ."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't
exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get
stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to
me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a
barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
~#1 Mom

3/27 - Skiing, Kid Jokes, and Rocky on speed!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*sigh* It was a school night tonight. Not much time to type out a
long story, but I did go around and ask everyone if they had any
good Joke of the Day stories. No one did, but son #4 said he skied
most of the time today without holding on to the instructor’s
pole. He also said he wants me to go again with him next Tuesday.
Hmm... There’s supposed to be 3 feet of new snow in the mountains
tonight. I guess if I have to go skiing, I guess I could...

Son #4 also said, “I have some jokes for you dad!”

Here they are...

Why did Tigger put his head into a toilet?
Because he was looking for Pooh!
[Keep in mind gang, these are 6 year old boy jokes]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he wanted to get to the other side.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
Because he wanted to get to the other slide.

What did one wall say to the other wall?
I’ll meet you at the corner.

How many vampires does it take to change a light bulb?
Zero! (Because vampires like the dark!)

My sweet wife just chimed in. “How many teenagers does it take to
change a light bulb? Only one! They just hold the light bulb up
and the whole world revolves around them!”

She said, “I keep telling that joke to son #1, he doesn’t like it
much.”

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

p.s. Did I ever tell you that life was like a roll of toilet
paper? The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes. With a
wife, kids, Church, Scouts, work, school, and JOTD (yeah, probably
in that order) I’m feeling a little squished with time. Which
brings me to today’s video. Have you ever wanted to watch all of
the Rocky movies at once? Now is your chance! This little gem will
show you Rocky I through Rocky VI in just 5 seconds!

Enjoy

=-=-=-
Cartoon Section



=-=-=-
Headline News Section

Mothers eating beef could threaten sons' fertility

Dog Performs Heimlich Maneuver on Owner
Does anyone think this is really true?

=-=-=-
Today's Video Section


Rocky I – VI in just 5 seconds.

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Did you know?

On April 1, 1998, the fast-food giant took out an ad in USA Today
announcing a left-handed Whopper, with condiments placed so
southpaws' toppings wouldn't drip out the right side of the
sandwich. Thousands of folks actually ordered the fake burger.

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My friend Allison adopted a stray cat and took him to the vet to
be neutered.

"I'm about 90 percent certain he's been fixed," the vet said.

"How can I be 100 percent sure?" Allison asked.

"Watch to see if he does any 'male' things."

"He already lies on the couch all day," she said. "If he starts
hogging the remote, I'll bring him in."

=-=-=-

They say our mothers really know how to push our buttons –
because they installed them.
~Robin Williams

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When a nun collapsed in the sales representative's office at our
time-share resort, the rep ran to the front-desk manager. "Two
nuns walked into the sales office, and one of them fainted!" she
yelled breathlessly. Unfazed, the manager just looked at her.
"Well," said the rep, "aren't you going to do anything?" He
replied, "I'm waiting for the punch line."