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Marty's Joke of the Day

Marty's Joke of the day is an internet column that I've written for more than 5 years.
I tell humorous stories about my "sweet wife" and raising our 4 young sons, named #1, #2, #3, and #4.
After 5 years of story telling, in August of 2005, doctors found a brain tumor in son #4.
Our focus here has changed little as we still try to find humor in our lives.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

7/24 - A few short stories

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Tuesday, July 24, 2007
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Yes, we’re still around and Its Christmas! (even though it’s
Pioneer day in Utah.)

Ok, it’s not really Christmas, but this month seems like a
December. Not because it’s cold. (We’ve had record days above 100º
this month) But, because this month is so darn busy!

Here are some updates, and some stories I can remember;

My Father’s estate; The antique auctioneer guy came and hauled all
of the antiques out of dad’s house. The auction is August 12th in
Ogden Utah, if anyone is interested.

We got my sweet wife’s little brother married off in Manti Utah.
It was on 07-07-07. I don’t think that Manti Temple has ever been
busier. They had something like 36 weddings there that day. On the
Friday before the wedding, we came down early and went fishing. I
caught 3 fish, but grandpa said I only caught 2 (and tied with
him). Probably because I let son #4 reel in one of my catches. But
I know I still out fished him! – At the reception when the groom
threw his new wife’s garter to the single males there, son #1
caught it. Now he just needs a girlfriend and a driver license!

Let’s see, what else? We’re getting a simple bath room remodel
done. But, our handy dude has gone missing for 3 days, and we’ve
got two huge holes in our basement floor, all the way to the dirt.
Looks like this is going to be a long job. [Huge update on this in
my next issue...]

A Funny; Son #4 said to my sweet wife today, “Mom this eye,”
(pointing to his “good” eye) “is for seeing. And this eye,”
(pointing to his totally blind eye) “is just for decoration.”

One last thing I can remember; Last night we took the Scout troop
up past Alta ski resort (at about 9200 feet) and had a quick camp
out. There were 6 Scouts sleeping in a large tent. There was a lot
of wile life around. We saw a full sized male moose wandering
through our camp, and heard several coyotes the next morning. But
that night, at 10:00 pm, I went over and told the boys to be
quiet. At 10:30 I did the same thing. Still no luck. At 11:00 I
had had enough. I quietly went over to the tent, started
‘sniffing’ and snorting. I moved the gravel around with my foot to
make them think something was out there. Then I scratched their
tent and made more noise. They kept on chatting. But, one boy
finally said, “What’s that? Be quiet! What was that?” After about
15 seconds they were all listening to me. Finally one boy stood
up, started to undue the window, and I growled really loud,
scaring all 6 of the boys, pretty good. They screamed and yelled,
and I finally said, “Now get to bed and be quiet this time!”



But, unfortunately, it was one of those, “Boy, that was a dumb
thing I did” moments. Those 6 boys were so scared, that they
stayed up most of the night scared to death of what was out there.
I even got a call from son #2 at 4:00 AM saying, “There’s a Moose
or an Elk sniffing outside my tent and I don’t know what to do!”
Yeah, right. At 4 AM while it’s pouring rain. Mr. Moose is bedded
down somewhere. Anyway, it was one of those nights.

I’ll tell you more about our Pioneer Trek adventure and “what’s
the worst thing that could happen to your house when you’re out
for a week” in my next issue.

Marty

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Monday, June 18, 2007

6-18 Chicken Ashes and Camping MRI's

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Monday, June 18, 2007
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Ok, so I can’t sleep. It’s 11:00 PM and I haven’t even started the
JOTD! I hate the pre-MRI jitters. Tomorrow will pass quickly and
quietly I hope. Son #4 is NPO after 6:45 tomorrow morning. That
might mean we can sleep through breakfast...

So, we went camping this weekend. First we went to Logan Utah,
about 2 hours north of us, for a family reunion. As you know I’ve
done a bit of Genealogy, but not as much as some of these people.
I think when you hit 65, that you must have more time to do those
sorts of things. I can only hope I make it that long to get some
time to do more of mine research.

What really impressed me at this reunion (other than the fact that
everyone was over 70, and I only knew 2 people out of the 40 who
attended) was the fact that our host had really done a lot of
research. I don’t know if she found it, or got it from her
ancestors, but they have a line that goes back to Charlemagne.
And, if you get back to him, you can apparently get back to Adam.
Yes, ~the~ Adam. So, if you thought it was cool that my sons were
related to Merlin Olsen, going back to Adam ought to really
impress you. And, speaking of Merlin Olsen, I met his sister at
the reunion. She told stories of him when he was younger, and
apparently he was a pretty big boy growing up. He was even bigger
when he played for the LA Rams. And no, I didn’t ask for her
autograph.

After the reunion, we camped over night at Bear Lake. Grandma and
Grandpa stayed in their RV with my 4 boys, and my poor sweet wife
and I got stuck in a tent yet again. Someday I’ll get to sleep in
the RV. I just know it! But, I digress...

Sunday on Father’s day, we ended up in Randolph. We had planned it
that way so we could spread my father’s ashes up on the mountain
with a great view. (Above 8400 feet!) He had a successful grouse
hunt there one year, and told a friend that’s where he wanted to
end up. Dad’s friend brought his bagpipes and played a few of
dad’s favorite tunes. High in the mountains, deep in the wood,
with a great view; It was pretty touching.

Sometimes I wonder about son #4. He runs around and like just a
normal kid, but then when we were tromping through the woods in
the mountains to find just the right spot for his grandpa, he
couldn’t walk worth a darn. He kept tripping and falling over
sticks and logs, and had a really hard time. We held his hand,
carried him a little, took it slow, and finally made it, but it
was just a stark reminder of his problems too.

We had told him that in ‘the box’ was grandpa’s ashes. Somehow he
got it in his little head that there were full sets of bones in
there. When grandpa came out of the box, son #4 was pretty upset
to learn that they ‘burned grandpa’. So, that was a tough sell
too.

Anyway, one last story. For some reason when you’re driving around
for hours at a time, the family conversation turns to weird
things. We ended up talking about chickens and how my dad once
brought home several live chickens, and we all got to make them
into dinner. A scene I’ll not ever forget. A bit comical to my 10
or 11 year old brain... Which brought up a story that I told my
boys. When we lived in Kearns, I was the Varsity Coach for the Boy
Scouts. (14-15 year old Scouts). Now there’s something that
happens to a boy when he turns 14 and gets with another bunch of
14 and 15 year old Scouts and they stop working on merit badges,
and start thinking of other stuff. Anyway, our Varsity Team was
going on the ‘Big Event’, kind of like a Mountain Man Rendezvous
for Scouts. We needed a new dutch oven for the team, and they were
having a dutch oven cooking contest with a brand new dutch oven as
one of the prizes. So, having this vast knowledge about preparing
chickens from scratch... (ba dum bump...), and wanting to
somehow... excite the boys into activity, I thought our Team could
impress the judges by bringing fresh, (oh so fresh) ingredients
for a BBQ chicken dish. But, being somewhat cautious, I wanted to
try it during one of our Scout meetings first. So I searched the
valley for a live chicken, and brought one over to our meeting.
(After asking parental permission first, of course...) We
proceeded to take out the chopping stump, a handy Scout hatchet,
and proceeded to take care of business. We cleaned everything up,
cut the chicken in to pieces, got out the BBQ sauce, fired up the
coals, and started our award winning meal. Then, for some reason,
not one of the boys wanted to try any of our chicken. “I saw that
thing alive, and I’m not eating it!” I suppose that’s one thing
that they’ll never forget, and now that they’re older, I’m sure
they talk about it in their therapy sessions.

Come to think of it, that was about the chewiest, toughest chicken
I think I’ve ever had.

Enough of that. It’s time for bed. Now, enjoy your chicken
sandwich at lunch today ‘eh? (Grin)

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

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Jokes, stories, and for sure good MRI news tomorrow!

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Saturday, April 14, 2007

4/14 - Saturday issue?

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Saturday, April 14, 2007
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Camping went well. We went to Crystal Hot Springs with the Scouts last night. The water in the hot tubs was a little weird smelling (with no chlorine) but it felt nice.

Anyway, for those of you on the blog site, here are a couple of cool videos.

Why kids need pets


This Octopus turns invisible and visible at will. Just watch.


Enjoy Today’s Videos!
Marty

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Monday, April 02, 2007

4/2 - Singing Beard and Disco RV

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Monday, April 02, 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We had a great conference weekend. On Friday son #2 and I went
downtown to sing at a Young Men’s open house. It was a training
session for young men leaders in the Church. We had a men and boys
choir of about 50 voices, all dressed in Class A Scout uniforms or
suits and ties. We sounded pretty good too. Oh yeah, and they
asked us to shave any facial hair. So, I did. After several years,
you can see a bald faced pic of me that son #3 snapped this
weekend.

After we sang and had lunch, we raced home, got packed up, and
went camping with Grandma and Grandpa and one of the Kearns
cousins. Grandma and Grandpa bought an older RV unit to ‘try out’
this summer to see if they like the RV life. You can kind of tell
how old it is by the Disco lighting in one of the pictures on the
web. We were all excited to try it out, but 9 of us didn’t fit
very well in the 25 foot (or was that 20 foot) RV. So, my sweet
wife and I got to sleep in our 10 man tent. (Along with an
electric heater of course!)

We listened to conference, played games, and son #3 and I had a
long walk around Palisades lake. We took the GPS and walked about
2 miles up and down the mountain, saw several deer, and took some
great pictures of the views. (see them on the web –
http://martysjotd.blogspot.com )

Tonight, since sons #1 and #2 made it through the last quarter
with some (barely) passing grades, we decided to go to Chuck-a-
Rama and out to see ‘Night at the museum’ at the dollar theater to
celebrate. (The dollar theater is only 50¢ on Family night!).
Dinner (as with most any buffet) was really good, and the boys
really liked the movie. I thought it was just so-so, but they
talked about their favorite parts all the way home. So, another
successful family home evening.

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

p.s. Have you ever heard about the Grand Canyon Walkway? It looks
like it’s now open. You can walk out on a skywalk, 4000 feet above
the canyon floor. Something I’d like to do someday. Anyway, check
out today’s video about it.

p.p.s. Skiing with son #4 tomorrow!


Kearns Cousin and the Disco RV


Son #4 and #3 in front of a garbage can.
Yes, always a good thing to have in a picture of your kids...


Son #4 and I goofing around in the tent


More Goofing


And more goofing


Son #3 at the 'tree playground'




Son #3 and a duck


A deer son #3 and I saw

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Reader Comment Section

[On Duplicate emails on Thursday morning]

Believe me....there were more sites than yours from Yahoo groups
doing mass mailings! So it wasn't just you!
~Linda

Marty, Thursday I received eight copies of your 'JOTD' and then
later I was at a luncheon and a friend mentioned he had received
several copies of some mails. After investigating he found it was
caused by a glitch in the yahoo program. He told me yahoo had
since fixed it. I don't think you did anything wrong. Keep on
keepin' on,
~Bob B.

[Yep, I got a few more emails about the dupe message from
YahooGroups on Thursday. Hopefully it will stay fixed for awhile.
Thanks everyone, for your patients. Marty]

=-=-=-
Video of the Day

Grand Canyon Skywalk


=-=-=-
Picture of the day

China appears to be the first country to install outdoor public
urinals that are actually intended for daytime usage. Would you,
or wouldn’t you?



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A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter
in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a
traffic ticket. "It seems everyone is out to get me lately. How
did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked. The
police officer pointed somberly toward the sky. "You mean," asked
the motorist, "that I'm not just being paranoid? Even *He* is
trying to get me?"
~Wanda

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"On this day in 1844 the Young Men's Christian Association, the
YMCA, was founded. It was founded by a small group of friends: a
construction worker, an Indian chief, a cop, a soldier, a
cowboy...they all met at a disco."
~Jay Leno

=-=-=-

John was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter," he
shouted, "Didn't you hear me say, 'well done'?" "Oh, thank you,
sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."


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From 4-8 year olds


A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4
to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were
broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you
think:

_____
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and
paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all
the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8
_____
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4
_____
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving
cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5
_____
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your
French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6
_____
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4
_____
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a
sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7
_____
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop
opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7
_____
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a
friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6
_____
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
everyday."
Noelle - age 7
_____
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are
still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6
_____
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I
looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and
smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8
_____
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else
kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6
_____
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5
_____
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says
he is handsomer than Robert Redford ."
Chris - age 7
_____
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him
alone all day"
Mary Ann - age 4
_____
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old
clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4
_____
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little
stars come out of you."
Karen - age 7
_____
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if
you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8
~#1 Mom


Me, with no beard and plenty of chin...

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Wednesday, March 28, 2007

3/28 - Quiet Scouts?

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Wednesday, March 28, 2007
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Ok, 90% of the time I drive alone. Mostly to work or school. So, I
don’t often get to drive with a bunch of people, except when the
family is going somewhere, or sometimes on Scout nights. Tonight
was a Scout night. We went downtown to see some national historic
buildings for the Citizen in the Nation Merit Badge.

There were only 2 leaders tonight and 10 boys. Can you imagine how
loud 5 12 and 13 year old boys can be in a car? I was dreading the
loud drive downtown, but I remembered a gift that Santa brought
my boys last Christmas. A portable DVD player. When son #2 and I
got ready to go, I grabbed it and brought it along.

I think a portable DVD player is the best investment that Santa
ever made! I had the SPL in the front seat, and we had a half way
serious conversation. In the rear view mirror there were 8 eyes
glued to Time Bandits on the back of my seat. It was wonderful!

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comments

Marty,
The blonde video is hilarious! I laughed my face off! Have a
great day!
~Lani L.

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News and Headlines section


Mysterious hexagon spotted above Saturn

=-=-

Illegal immigrants allowed at least five strikes
Border-crossings guidelines revealed amid probe into U.S. attorney firings

=-=-

Marines ban big, garish tattoos

=-=-=-

Today’s Video
Eddie Griffin crashes a 1.5 million dollar Ferrari Enzo


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Kid Wisdom

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't
answer.

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.

Stay away from prunes.

Don't pull your dad's finger when he tells you to.

Never leave your three-year-old brother in the same room as
your school assignment.

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.

Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when
she's on the phone.
~Debi S

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Okay, you've heard of Murphy's famous Law: Everything that can go
wrong will go wrong. Well, there are many other related Laws. Here
are some:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin
to itch.
--Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair

Identical parts aren't. --Beach's Law

Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
corner.
--Anthony's Law of the Workshop

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
--Tussman's Law

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
--Lowery's Law

The solution to a problem changes the problem.
--Peer's Law

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be
solved by brute strength and ignorance.
--William's Law

Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology.
2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.

Machines should work. People should think.
--IBM's Pollyanna Principle:

The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the
place where they can do the least damage - management.
--The Dilbert Principle

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
--Ehrlich's Law

It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you
are in a hurry.
--Ralph's Observation

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat
tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
--Cannon's Comment

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IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different
prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3
weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday
of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell
only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by

the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any
more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times
a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with
your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase
your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have
enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't
use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint
you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall
and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the
bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I
already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is
used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of
problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if
I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the
$200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a quart"
signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in
half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second
half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have
labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty
cans.

Customer: The heck with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for
your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from
someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall
and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that
if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which
you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in
one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference
on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now,
sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.
~Uncle Butter

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Thursday, March 01, 2007

3/1 - Bikes, Family, and Peter and the Wolf

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Thursday, March 01, 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I work 4x10’s so I have Friday’s off. Since the boys have tomorrow
off too, I decided to take the family on a trip somewhere where
it’s warm. Then last Sunday, son #1 told me that his Scout group
was going to Moab this weekend to ride bikes. So, I put our plans
off for another week. Then, tonight, he said that they canceled
the over-nighter because one of the leaders was sick and the other
leader had a bad ankle. I thought, well, maybe we still can do
something things with the family so, when I got home from school
tonight, we all sat down and made some plans for tomorrow and
Saturday. Then, about 9:30 tonight, one of the Scouts called and
said, “Oh, I guess we are going after all.” So now son #1 has to
make a decision, and he was having a tough time with it. I
thought, cool, he actually still wants to do something with the
family. Then he said, “If I can spend the night with my cousin
tomorrow night, I’ll stay home.”

Well, the thought was cool while it lasted.

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

p.s. Hey, I was poking around Youtube again, and found something
kinda cool. When I was a kid, there was a Peter and the Wolf LP
record (that’s a huge black CD for you young’ens out there) that
my mom had that I listened to a lot. I came across this little
video clip. Kind fun.



Here's a link to the whole story

=-=-=-
Reader Comments;

Marty, you said: so my sweet wife and I ~RAN~ to school the second
I got home from work. Only in Utah could you do that!!! The rest
of us would have to drive a car
~debi
[Oh, no, actually, I think they run in other states to. But, I
could be mistaken. Besides, running is good for you! (grin)]


Yes, 9 are too many! We had rentals when we were somewhat younger
and someone advised us to rent by referrals only… However, I will
add, that's not always the answer as well. Nine people, unless
it's a big house are too many to rent to, and even then I don't
think we would have rented to 9 people. There's no way with that
many in one house that things are not going to be destroyed!
Marty, if you have to repair at such cost, then you've lost income
which is very valuable to you, especially since you have a family
to care for!! Might I add, and such a wonderful family at that!!!
I enjoy your jokes and the thoughts, etc. that you include about
you, your sweet wife and 4 boys. Enjoy them while they're young –
they grow up so quickly..
~Cathy M.



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A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the
morning. The wife (undoubtedly blond), picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles
from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The
wife said, " I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast
is clear."
~Marvin L.

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A quiet evening of guard duty at Camp Pendleton, California,
turned hairy when my son and his buddy saw a pair of luminous eyes
staring back at them. The animal slunk toward them ... a cougar.
Retreating slowly, my son radioed the base. "We're being followed
by a cougar," he said softly. "What do we do?" A voice responded,
"Get the license plate number, and we'll send over some MPs."

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The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his
children and immediately started to assemble it with all the
neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it. After
several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A
into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old
handyman working in a neighboring yard. The old-timer came over,
threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set
completely assembled. It's beyond me," said the father, "how you
got it together without even reading instructions." "To tell the
truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't
read, you've got to think."

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