Marty's Joke of the Day

Marty's Joke of the day is an internet column that I've written for more than 5 years.
I tell humorous stories about my "sweet wife" and raising our 4 young sons, named #1, #2, #3, and #4.
After 5 years of story telling, in August of 2005, doctors found a brain tumor in son #4.
Our focus here has changed little as we still try to find humor in our lives.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

9/28 - Run Silent, Run Downstairs

Thursday, September 28, 2006

It’s amazing what you didn’t know that you didn’t know. Such is
life on the first real day of a new job. Today was such a day, and
my first full at as PACS administrator. It was both exciting and
mind boggling to see the complex process of a simple x-ray from
very beginning to end. It was interesting to see how the x-ray
gets ‘digitized’ and all of the hoops it has to go through before
it ends up in the big database in the sky. It’s also a bit scary
to see all of the hands that work on a single “study”. That’s
where I come in. I have to keep an eye on all of the studies that
go from our division to the database, and make sure all of those
hands put in the correct data. If they don’t, I get to fix ‘em.
I’ll get a couple more days look at it next week. Rumor has it
that they’re finally going to offer a candidate my old position.
Of course, they’ll never keep up with as good I did!

My sweet wife just came down and popped her head in the door. “Do
you have a minute?” I told her not right now, but that I’d be done
in about 5 minutes and could talk with her. She said, “Ok” but
then she just stood there. After a minute or so I looked back and
asked, “Anything wrong?” She said, “Um, no. But with 3 boys
practicing the viola upstairs, it’s a little quieter down here.”

Hmm... that makes sense.

Enjoy today’s Jokes!


Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing
sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he
stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the
fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me,
will you?" "Why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I
want to tell my wife that I caught them." "Okay, but I suggest
that you take the orange roughy." "But why?" "Because your wife
came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell
you to get the roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."


"Today, thanks to 'digital' technology, there is no way to tell
for sure where in the world your music is. It might be on a little
tiny chip the size of a toenail that holds 19,000 songs, which
means two things: 1) Satan is clearly involved; and 2) a
reasonably strong ant could make off with your entire music
~Dave Barry


After an exhausting weekend, I woke up Monday morning and sleepily
packed lunch for my eight-year-old child. When I got home from
work late that day, she handed me a note from her teacher,
requesting that I see her. "What's this all about?" I asked
sternly. Opening her lunch box, my daughter showed me the drink I
had packed for her that morning. It was a can of beer.

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Wednesday, September 27, 2006

9/27 - Time Scouts and School Daze

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Oh, we’ve got a wee bit of work to do. My sweet wife and I went to
parent teacher conference tonight. Son #2 needs to learn to
remember his homework, and then turn it in. When we went to each
of son #1’s teachers, each one started out, ‘Son #1 is so smart,
or he’s so bright, or he’s such a great kid to have in class,
[Then there’s always the next dreaded word...] BUT... and then
they’d go on about his performance. Anyway, at one of the tables
outside of the conference, they had a time-scout that they were
raffling off. That reminded me that I’ll either have to fix the
one we have, or buy another one.

Anyway, more fun at work tomorrow.


Enjoy today’s Jokes!


"A new study says that obese people can lose weight if they walk
12 miles per week. As a result Applebee's is introducing a new 12
mile long buffet."
~Conan O'Brien


"Son, I just know you'll do the right thing by this little girl,"
said the preacher. "You just marry her, and you'll be at the end
of your troubles." So he did the right thing, and he married the
girl, and about six months later when he saw the preacher again
he tried to murder him. "You miserable liar!" shouted the young
man. "You told me if I married her, I would be at the end of my
troubles. Well, I married her, and she has made my life
miserable." "That may be true, son, but you can't blame me,"
replied the minister. "I said you'd be at the end of your
troubles, but I never said which end."


"In Florida a 96-year-old woman is running for mayor. When asked
if she knew who she was running against, she said, "Time."
~Conan O'Brien

Don’t Forget to Read my BLOG at

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Tuesday, September 26, 2006

9/26 - Broken Hippas

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Just another day at the old job. (new pay). I guess I finally get
to train on Thursday at the new place all day. Cool.

At lunch today I went up to the children’s hospital and signed a
release form, and got a lot of medical reports and stuff from son
#4’s first hospital stay. “So, does this let me look up my son’s
x-rays on the computer?” “Oh, no” she said. “If you did that you
could get fired.” “So, how do I get permission to look at my son’s
x-rays online?” I asked. “Oh, I don’t know.” Wonderful, now I have
to do more research. Don’t you love HIPAA.

After work today me, my sweet wife, son #2 went to get our eyes
checked. The eye drops are just now wearing off. It was kinda
bizarre driving home in heavy traffic with my pupils as big as
saucers wearing cardboard sunglasses. But I made it. I made it all
the way home and in the front door. Then I dropped my palm pilot
on the floor and broke my screen. Grr... now I need to buy a PDA
~and~ a GPS. Oh well, I’m supposed to be made of money, right?

Enjoy today’s Jokes!


My wife and I were playing Trivia for Dummies when she amazed me
by answering correctly that there are seven rays on the crown of
the Statue of Liberty. "How in the world did you know that?" I
asked. Rolling her eyes, she answered, "Duuuhh...the seven
original colonies!"


Everyone had weighed in, and our diet-workshop leader began her
lecture on the week's topic - the problems of dining out. She
talked about alternatives, such as requesting diet sodas and
dressings, and having meat broiled instead of fried. Finally she
turned the question over to the group for discussion. "What is the
greatest problem you encounter when going out to eat?" Replied one
woman quickly, "Running into you!"


My wife and I were traveling on the Kansas Turnpike, bucking 30 to
45 m.p.h. crosswinds. At the tollbooth, I asked the attendant,
"What do you people do in Kansas when the wind quits?" The
tollbooth attendant didn't miss a beat. She answered, "We take the
rocks out of our pockets."

Monday, September 25, 2006

9/25 - Cold Bone Ice Cream

Monday, September 25, 2006

You know when you get really excited about something that’s coming
up, and then you’re disappointed after it gets here? Well, I’ve
got two of ‘em for you today.

‘member how I told you that I started a new job today? Well, it
turns out I didn’t start. The bosses talked it over and I only get
to train for 2 days a week until they hire someone. Hmm... that
might be awhile. I still get to support all of the clinic
computers, but I should be able to pop in to radiology when I have
time. I got a 20 minute lesson in today. Sounds like really
interesting stuff! I just hope they hire someone for my position
quick, so I can get going on my new job...

And, today was Chili’s day. Chili’s donates 100% of their profits
from today’s sales to St. Jude’s children’s hospital. We have been
looking forward to tonight for a while now. Unfortunately, they
disappointed me. The service was pretty poor. My steak came out
very rare, not medium rare. When I sent it back, the waitress took
my whole dinner plate back with her. When she came back 10 minutes
later asking if anyone wanted any desert, I told her I would like
my dinner first. She brought back (just) my steak on a plate and
asked if I wanted anything else. I told her, “Yeah, the rest of my
dinner.” That came back, cold. They forgot to keep it warm, or at
least nuke it back to warm... The waitress didn’t even say sorry
about my old cold dinner. I wrote to their customer service on-
line, and I’ll let you know if anything happens.

Anyway, we each colored a Chili to donate a few bucks more to St.
Jude’s and had a good time doing that. My sweet wife printed up
some pictures of son #4 and we put them on each chili.

Anyway, it was fun.

So, if you went to Chili’s tonight for dinner, let me know how it
went, and we’ll compare notes.

And, here’s a freebie I just found out about. Free Ice Cream on
Thursday at Cold Stone Creamery!

Here’s the... scoop... (pun)

“You’re invited to help Cold Stone Creamery and the Make-A-Wish
Foundation® celebrate the Fifth Annual World's Largest Ice Cream
Social! Visit any participating Cold Stone Creamery® store
location Thursday, Sept. 28 from 5-8 p.m. to get a free serving of
Cole’s Creation and enjoy a cool Cold Stone treat and support a
great cause. In exchange for the free ice cream, Cold Stone
Creamery will accept donations to benefit the Make-A-Wish
Foundation, an organization that grants the wishes of children
with life-threatening medical conditions to enrich the human
experience with hope, strength and joy. . Cole’s Creation was
inspired by Cole, a 10-year-old wish kid from Colorado. The cake
consists of chocolate ice cream blended on a cold granite stone
with yellow cake, chocolate chips, and rainbow sprinkles. To find
the Cold Stone Creamery location nearest you, click here.
Enjoy today’s Jokes!

p.s. Don’t forget to read the comment section for an update on
#4’s surgery.

Reader Comment sections

when is surgery scheduled? Let us know so we can send #4 lots and
lots of cards. Please remind me of your box# again. God Bless.

[First, the PO Box is 901072 Sandy UT 84090. The address is on the
blog site on the top right hand corner]

[Second, I finally got a chance to talk to my sweet wife at length
this weekend about son #4’s surgery. We won’t know the date until
tomorrow at the earliest. She told me that what the plastic
surgeon told her was that they would (as best that I could
understand it third hand...) make an incision across the top of
his head, (my guess is about the coronal suture line.) See picture
on the blog, or go to
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/53/Gray_188_-_Side_view_of_the_skull.png ) then pull the scalp forward, and
then cut out the frontal part of the skull. I guess the skull is
thicker here, and they can split it in half into plates. It should
grow back. They’ll take that bone and graft it into where his
other bone isn’t growing. (I’m guessing along the Lower Temporal
line, where the bone is dying. But, what do I know?) Anyway, after
I sign a release up at the hospital, I should be able to get some
real images. I’ll let you know more when I find out more. And
thanks for the question Don!]


The Priest had just finished hearing the man's confession and was
considering the man's penitence. "Are you sure you're going to try
to set aside all sin?" "Yes, Father, I certainly am going to try."
replied the man. "I hereby resolve to double my efforts." "And
you're going to attend Mass regularly my son?" the Priest went on.
"Yes, Father, I realize I have strayed." said the man. "I shall
both worship and confess every week." "And how about your debts
and those you have cheated?" inquired the Priest. "Now just a
minute, Father." said the man. "Now you're talking business, not


A while back an airplane company ran an add stating that they
would make you a pilot for $2,900. They want to train more people
to fly planes in hopes that they could sell more planes. Their add
had a beautiful picture of an airplane and in big black print were
the words, "We will make you a pilot for $2,900. I heard that the
ad elicited a lot of response, but the most unique response came
from 7 women in Kansas. They wrote into the company and said; "We
understand you can make us a pilot for $2,900. We would like you
to make us one right away. We want him to be a man, 6 feet tall,
190 pounds, with blue eyes and brown wavy hair. We understand that
you guarantee that you can make us a pilot. Therefore we would
like the pilot on approval for about 60 days. If he works out
we'll order more."


On a tour of Alaska, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit
the mountains for some sight seeing. He was cruising along the
campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion
at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals,
shorts, a "Save the Whales" T-shirt and a Tree Hugger Hat, was
struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself
from the jaws of a 10 foot grizzly. As the Pope watched horrified,
a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a
.44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and
pulled the bleeding semiconscious Democrat from the bear. Then
using long clubs, the three loggers beat the bear to death and two
of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other
tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they
prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give
you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard
there was a bitter hatred between loggers and environmental
activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who
was that guy?" "It was the Pope," another replied, "he's in direct
contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom." "Well," the
logger said, "he may have access to all God's wisdom, but he sure
doesn't know anything about bear hunting..... By the way, is the
bait holding up okay or do we need to go back to town and grab
another one?"

Thursday, September 21, 2006

9/21 - More Surgery Scheduled

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Sorry about no jokes last night. I had to go to Richfield again
for the (really) last time this time. Sitting in a hotel room with
a teeny tiny laptop keyboard just didn’t appeal to me, and I
thought I could use that as a (lame) excuse not to do an issue.

My sweet wife and I have been a little concerned about son #4’s
bone plate in his skull not healing properly. Turns out our
concerns were justified. My sweet wife took son #4 into the brain
tumor surgeon’s office today. They brought in a pediatric plastic
surgeon to talk to my sweet wife. Apparently they’re going to have
to do bone graft surgery to get the bone to reattach and start
growing again. Well, at least it’s not like its brain surgery or

Anyway, son #4 did what he does when he doesn’t like doctor’s
talk; he buried his head in my sweet wife’s lap. They told my
sweet wife that they think he’ll be in ICU for 2 days and the
regular hospital for another day after that. At one point he
lifted his head up and asked the plastic surgeon, “Can we do the
switch?” The doctor didn’t know what he was talking about, so he
explained, “Where my dad stays with me one night, and my mom stays
with me the next night...” The doc said he thought so.

He also got a small purple elephant with white tusks for his
troubles. My sweet wife asked son #4 what he was going to name it.
She said, “We could call it ‘Grape’ or ‘Ele’ or something like
that.” He looked at it for several seconds and announced, “It’s
name is spot!”

My sweet wife said the hospital took a 3D Cat scan of his skull
bones, and were able to rotate it on the computer screen. When I
start with Radiology on Monday, I’m going to ask how I look up
that image. But, I need to make sure and get the right permission
to look at the file. HIPAA privacy requirements and all. Just
hoops to jump through.

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment sections

[More comments on our ethical question last week]

With regards to James in California:
>"The technology is proceeding much too fast to wait for your
>*great grandson*. Those questions are going to be faced by the
>next generation! I think it would be wonderful to have children
>that would never catch a cold, pneumonia, cancer, parkinson's
>disease, etc....James in California"

James, We are finding out now that the stuff (grains, animals) we
supposedly engineered to be genetically better/perfect is being
attacked by NEW Diseases.... What makes you think, James, that it
will be any different with these children? They may not get the
common cold or flu that we do, but who is to say that nature, in
trying to control population (as some believe) or GOD in insisting
that human beings continue their 'lessons' while here on
earth...won't create new diseases that they will have no
resistance to at all?
Dora in Denver

Hi Marty
I think we should not mess with nature. God allowed it to happen.
The illness was there to deepen your value system or maybe
something else. If you as a family sit down and think about it all
of you will most probably take something diffirent out of it.
What I took out of it was deepen my value system. And 4 is not
even mine or for that matter, as a lot of people agree, lend to us
for a short wile before they go and live their own lifes. Have a
great day!
~Kobus B


A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though the weather
that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made
her daily trek to the elementary school. As the afternoon
progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and
lightning. The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her
daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and
she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.
Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove
along the route to her child's school. As she did so, she saw her
little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the
child would stop, look up and smile. Another and another were to
follow quickly and with each the little girl would look at the
streak of light and smile. When the mother's car drew up beside
the child she lowered the window and called to her, "What are you
doing? Why do you keep stopping?" The child answered, "I am trying
to look pretty. God keeps taking my picture."
~Krystal B.


The pro football team had just finished practice when a turkey
strutted onto the field. "I want to try out," the turkey said to
the coach. Stunned, the players stared as the bird caught pass
after pass and ran right through the defensive line. After 30
minutes, the coach had seen enough. "You're excellent," he said.
"Sign with us, and you'll get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus,"
the turkey said. "All I want to know is, does the season go past
Thanksgiving Day?"


Although the bus for the senior group's church outing was
scheduled to leave at 5:30, organizers were afraid stragglers
would delay the trip. So to make sure no one's fun was ruined, our
church bulletin urged one and all to "Come early and get loaded."

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

9/19 - Chili GPS'ers

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

I guess my GPS’ing skills are starting to slip. Son #1 is taking
geology, and for extra credit he can go and find 3 geocaches. So,
after I got home from work, and before we left for Boy Scouts, we
ran off to a park just south of us, and tried our luck. It’s been
awhile since I’ve been on a cache, and I think it showed. We
didn’t find any treasure. Maybe it was low batteries, tall trees
in the way, or just an old GPS. I think I’ll use the last excuse
and finally use it pull the trigger and buy that new one I’ve had
my eye on for a month. I’m just oh so close to having all of the
money saved...

Today I sent my boss an email today asking what was going to
happen next week when I took my new job. I said, “So, who’s going
to do my work?” He said something like, “We’ll take care of some
of your clinics for you, but until we find someone, you’re going
to have to take care of calls at the main clinic while you do your
new job.” Um... Ok, I think I’m going to have my old boss talk to
my new boss and see what they come up with. Good thing I only have
8 hours a day!

And, last but not least today; My sweet wife is in a contest this
week to see who can get the most unique bidders on their ACEO art
cards. If you’d like a little pumpkin card for Halloween, check
out her art.

Remember to bid low, and have your friends do the same!

Click picture for more info

Oh yeah, and one last, last thing. I took my sweet wife out to
Chili’s for lunch today. It was a little emotional because they
had all of the chili’s people colored, and donated a $1 each for
St. Jude’s childhood cancer research. ( We colored a bunch of them last year. You can see them here and here

We’ll do the same this year. (I think you can send them to us
too...) This year, St. Jude’s is building a new pediatric brain
tumor research center. Chili’s will donate 100% of their profits
on September 25th (next Monday) to St. Jude’s. So, next Monday, be
sure and go out for dinner at Chili’s!

Enjoy today’s Jokes!


Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was
really sore from moving furniture. "Why don't you wait till your
husband gets home?" someone asked. "I could," my mother told the
group," but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."


A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city
and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of
tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. To make the task less onerous,
he invited several of his co-workers to share the ride. He soon
found, however, that the commute continued to get more stressful,
especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company
doctor. "Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on
the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even
when Joe forgets to bathe all week long. But when I get in the
tunnels and I've got those four other guys crowded around me in
the car, I get anxious and dizzy and feel like I'm going to
explode." Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had
identified the ailment. "What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"
"No, no, no, my boy. You have something very common in these
parts." "Please tell me! What is it?" "You have what is known
as.... Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."


A tax collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Bill
home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the
woman replied. "Bill's gone for cotton." The next day, the
collector tried again. "Is Bill here today?" "No, sir," she said.
"I'm afraid Bill has gone for cotton." When he returned the third
day, he humphed, "And I suppose Bill has gone for cotton again
today?" "No," the woman answered solemnly. "Bill died yesterday."
She wiped a tear with a tear-stained hanky. Suspicious that he was
being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and
investigate the cemetery himself, where, sure enough, there was
poor Bill's tombstone with the inscription, "Gone, But Not for

Monday, September 18, 2006

9/18 - Does it snow in Hong Kong?

Monday, September 18, 2006

We had a cold weekend. It snowed in the mountains, and got down to
the high 40’s here. People keep saying, “Boy, it’s good to have
some snow. It’s good to feel the cool fall air.” I say, ‘Naw...
I’d like about 3 more months of summer.’ But, then again, I don’t
have any choice in the matter. For the weekend, we stayed in the
house most of the time. While poking around my PC, I remembered
that I had sent out a skype invitation to my readers last month
(With the screen name mr.martyman). A guy named
Allen in Hong Kong said he was a reader of mine, and sent me his
information. The information sat there for weeks, and after
remembering all the bad things that could happen on the internet,
I didn’t do much with it. Finally, this weekend my curiosity got
the best of me, and with a click of the mouse I called.
“Hi, this is Marty of Marty’s Joke of the Day.”
“Oh, yes, Hi, how are you!?”

Turns out, Allen is a pretty cool guy. He’s a generation older
than me, has lived in Hong Kong for more than 25 years, raised 3
kids there, he was born in Utah and visits here couple times a
year. He’s LDS and in the area presidency over there. He sounded
like a really nice guy. I had a little trouble keeping son #4 from
mug’n for the camera the entire conversation, so I think he got
the sense of the craziness of our house. All of the other sons
came in and said, “Hi” and so did my sweet wife. Now I need to
call him back and see if he knows any Chinese so my boys can see
what it sounds like.

Anyway, it wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be. So, if you’re
a decent person and have skype, call mr.martyman. I’d like to see
what you look like (or at least what you sound like...)


Oh, and my sweet wife is at it again. She’s got some updates on
her blog at http://blogs.ebay.com/mel-ann

Enjoy today’s Jokes!


As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady
asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?"
"Just snow," replied the stewardess. "That's what I thought," said
the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."
~Shannon in Nevada


Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One
day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead
mastodon to the food & fire area. It was exhausting work; the guys
were getting tired just watching. Then they noticed some large,
smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea! They could sit
on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives
working. This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that
ultimately led to television...and later to the remote control.
--Dave Berry


A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet and
instructs the guy to hit him as hard as possible on the head. The
magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden block. The
man shrugs his shoulders and takes a mighty swing. Three years
later, the magician wakes up from a coma in the hospital and
goes.... "Taa-Daa!"

Thursday, September 14, 2006

9/14 - Short Timer's

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Not much going on today. The work day was pretty long. Not that I
had a ton to do, but with only 6 days left it was just harder to
get up and do it... I think that’s what they call short timer’s

And now, for the rest of the story...

They’ve found a new use for duct tape...

Enjoy today’s Jokes!


I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my
husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the
airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security
questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack
yourself?" he asked. I told him that my mother-in-law had given me
a parcel to take to her son. He looked at me very carefully and
asked: "Does she like you?"


I heard the dog barking before he and his owner actually barreled
into our vet practice. Spotting a training video we sell, the
owner wisely decided to buy one. "How does this work?" she asked,
handing me a check. "Do I just have him watch this?"


A man goes to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an
elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. The man
very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the
thorn from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns
and stares at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him.
The elephant then continues on its way. "I wonder if I ever see
that elephant again if it will remember me?" the man muses to
himself. It is a few years later, and the man is at a circus back
in the States. He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking
at him, almost like it KNOWS him. The man wonders, "Could this be
that elephant I helped so long ago?" He decides to get a closer
look. With the elephant still giving him the stare down, the man
moves in closer, getting right up in front of the elephant. They
lock eyes. A knowing look seems to cross the elephant's face.
It reaches down... picks the man up carefully with its trunk...
lifts him high in the air... And throws him crashing to the ground
and stomps him to death! Turns out it wasn’t THAT that elephant.
~#1 Mom

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

9/13 - Statisticly Speaking...

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Did you know that 53% of all statistics are made up?

I was surfing at work (Ok, I have a touch of the short timers
disease, but not much, it was a busy day!) and ran across a kind
of cool site. It’s called statemaster. (www.statemaster.com) there
are tons of statistics about your state.

Check out what I found today...

After my lengthy research, I contend that Restaurants are contributing to the breakup of the American family. How do I know? Check out these statistics.

Utah is dead last in restaurants per capita (at 0.19 per 100

The District of Columbia is first in restaurants per capita (at .4
per 100)

Utah is first in the nation for the following
Percent of Households that are Married-Couple Families (63%)
Children Living in Supportive Neighborhoods (90.5%)
Percent of Households that are Married-Couple Families with their
own Children (34.4%)
Average Household size (3.01)

The District is dead last in the country for the following;
Percent of Women Who Never Married (46.2%)
Percent of Men Who Never Married (50.4%)
Percent of Households that are Married-Couple Families (21.8%)
Percent of Households that are Married-Couple Families with their
own Children 7.2%
Average Household Size 2.08
Children Living In Supportive Neighborhoods 69.4%

So, again my contention is that existence of restaurants is
contributing to the decline of society.

But, I’m sure you can find a few flaws in my logic. (Grin)

So, remember in the next 60 days before Election Day, don’t
believe all of the statistics that you read...

Remember what George Carlin said;
Think about how stupid the average person is; now realize half of them are dumber than that.

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment sections

[About ethics...]

Hi Marty.
This question is so simple for me and involves no thought
whatsoever. I'd tell my third great grandson this: "Don't design
your baby with the traits you want or what you can accept. Let God
do it, just like He's designed me and those before me, (and
hopefully those after.)" By letting God do it, you might get a kid
who isn't as bright, or who has a brain tumor, or who can't see,
or who has DownSyndrome or who's very autistic, but perfection
regarding genes isn't the best thing in life. Your exceptionally
bright kid won't give you [the parent] a smile from ear to ear
that will last weeks when she spells her first word at 7 like a
kid who has Down Syndrom will. [daughter#2, "on"]. You won't get
that same thrill from a perfect kid like you will when your blind
child reads you the bedtime story from her own Braille book when
you weren't sure she would be able to because of your own
embarrassment about blindness or lack of knowledge. [my family]
Sure maybe the kid who's disease free will have no pain and no
suffering, and we parents won't have to sit by while our God-
designed kid has brain or heart surgery, but the child learns from
adversity too, can gain friends because of hospital stays or
doctor appointments, can educate others even if they don't know
they are, about faith and self-worth and all that good stuff.
[Your own #4 has done this very thing.] Being "disabled" myself
and having a "disabled" daughter whom I would not trade for all
the gold in Fort Knox, I can't understand why so many people want
certain kids and won't give God, and their God-designed kid, the
chance to be right for them. Sorry this is so long winded, but
this is a subject I could write volumes on. Hugs to you and family
and congrats on the new job!
Shannon in Nevada

[Wow, thanks!]

Funny thing. I was thinking about just this issue the other day.
I missed the program on being able to chose what characteristics
our children will have, but I was mulling over why we fall in love
and choose who we do. The two specific instances I "mulled" were,
why I chose your father and why [your sweet wife] chose you.

[Oh, now that’s an easy one!]

It may come as a surprise to you, but neither you nor your father were (are) perfect physical specimens...

[hey now...]

...When I consider the men I think look interesting, they often
are the same physical type as your father (who reminded me
physically of my father...) If (your father) had been tall, would
he have caught my eye? I can't be sure, but I rather doubt it. If
he had had squinty little eyes, I probably wouldn't even have
noticed him. So, do we love what we get, or do we get what we
love? If you had been a basketball player, you may have given your
Sweet Wife a pain in the neck. (You may have been one anyway

In conclusion, the thoughts I have on your question lead me to
say, don't choose what you think is best, because usually you
really don't know what is best. We're on this earth to learn, not
because we already know it all.
~#1 Mom
[Spoken like a true mom!]

Hey Marty,

With regard to your ethical question... The technology is proceeding much too fast to wait for your *great grandson*. Those
questions are going to be faced by the next generation! I think it
would be wonderful to have children that would never catch a cold,
pneumonia, cancer, parkinson's disease, etc. Some say we have no
right to make such a choice, but we make the choice every day to
fight these things. People question the ethicality of using
genetics like this because Hitler wanted to make a perfect race, a
race of perfect warriors, but technology will have rendered that
choice obsolete anyway...
James in California


My 2 1/2-year-old niece, Kelly, went with a neighbor girl to a
Catholic church for First Communion practice. The pastor has the
children cup their hands, and when he gives them the "Host," in
this case, a piece of bread, he says, "God be with you."

Apparently this made quite an impression on my niece. She came
home and told her mother to cup her hands and bend down. Kelly
took a piece of bread from her sandwich, placed it in her mother's
hands, and whispered, in her most angelic voice, "God will get


"Here is a very odd story. A woman in Tennessee is now suing a
local pharmacy after buying what she thought were birth control
patches. They turned out to be nicotine patches. The good news,
her new baby is now down to a half a pack a day."
~Jay Leno


My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept
refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told
her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to
the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on
the side: "For Sale."

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

9/12 - Today's Ethical Question

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

One of the things that I missed during the summer was watching
Assignment Discovery before I get out of bed. It’s a cable in the
classroom educational type show. This week they started it up
again. It’s at 6 AM, and it’s over just about the time I need to
roll out of bed and into the shower at 7AM.

A hundred years ago when I was a kid, your choices were relatively
easy. Right and wrong were pretty much black and white. Do you go
behind the school with your buddy and smoke, or find a new friend?
Do you cheat on the math test, or do your best and get a c-?
Fortunately, I had a good upbringing, and made most of the right
choices. (Not all of them mind you, but most of them.) But, that’s
another chapter that I won’t get into here...

But, today on Assignment Discovery they posed
a choice that I don’t know how I would choose. I caught the last
quarter of today’s show that was called “Elements of Biology:
Genetics” The part I saw was titled “Making Babies: Genetically
Perfect”. They showed a couple whose children would have a good
chance of having some rare genetic and deadly disease, but they
were able to pick an embryo that didn’t have the disease, and in
essence, ‘design’ a child without the disease.

So, 6 years ago if doctors had come to my sweet wife and me and
said, “Look, if you have a 4th child, he will have a X% change of
having a brain tumor. Do you want to design a child that won’t be
predisposed to brain tumors, or do you want to take your chances?”
Having been though what we’ve been through, and not knowing what’s
in the future, I don’t know what I would have said. I’m thankful
that I didn’t have to make that choice. But, as weird as it seems,
I’m also very thankful for son #4 and the trials that we’ve been
through. I think it’s made all of us think about things a lot

So, in 2006, we don’t have to make choices like that. But, what
about our descendants? Your 3rd Great Grandson may be faced with
that same choice. (Or with even more choices. Maybe to choose a
boy with green eyes, red hair, that will have a higher IQ, be
taller, or shorter, or skinnier, or healthier, or whatever... than
you are.)

This has been bug’n me all day. If you could give advice to that
3rd great Grandson of yours, someone that you’ll never meet in
this life, what would you say to him? I’m not sure what my answer
would be. Tell me what you would say.

At least I’m glad I’ll be working as a PACS administrator in two
weeks, not a Medical Ethicist.

Enjoy today’s Jokes!


A good friend will come and bail you out of the Police Lockup...
But, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying: "Wow...that
was fun!"


I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-
fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't
be signing up in the first place!


Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell
the difference.

~Jodi B.


My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So
when an advertising company offered to put my father's business
placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at
the chance. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could
be traced to those placards. "Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller
asked. "That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"
"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard,
and I want you to come and get it."


A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her
first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had
arrived, the nurse said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl
and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this
information over the phone. "Fine," I said. "I can understand
that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?" "It wasn't a
boy," came the reply.

Monday, September 11, 2006

9/11 - That Broccoli is Fair...

Monday, September 11, 2006

We went to the state fair on Saturday. There was too much going on
for the first fair day on Thursday. That’s the day that they have
the cracker stacking contest. We performed well as a family last
year, but because we missed it, no such luck this year. We had
back to school night and aquarium tickets.

When I got to work today, I told a friend we went to the fair
Saturday. “Did you enter your shoes in the stinky shoe contest?”
she said. Darn, if I had only known...

One last funny... My sweet wife brought down an advertisement to
show me from the mail today. It’s a newspaper type insert. On the
front they have pictures of Hash Browns, Frozen Waffles,
Cantaloupe, Peaches and Nectarines advertised. In the same section
there’s a big, “What’s for breakfast?” and right under the caption
is broccoli. Yum. Broccoli for breakfast...

Maybe I’ll send that into Jay Leno...

Have a great day!

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment sections


Have you ever watched The Simpsons? Have you ever read the
Constitution? Chances are you've had a lot more exposure to The
Simpsons than you have the supreme law of our land. So it's no
great surprise to me that more U.S. citizens are knowledgeable
about the cast of "The Simpsons" than they are about their First
Amendment Freedoms. The McCormick Tribune Freedom Museum in
Chicago found 28 percent of people are able to name more than one
of the five fundamental freedoms granted to them by the First
Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. But 52 percent were able to
name at least two members of the cartoon family. More jarring is
that 22 percent of those polled can name all five main characters
– Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie - but just 1-in-1,000 people
surveyed - 0.01 percent - were able to name all five freedoms. The
freedoms are of speech, religion, the press, of assembly and
petition for redress of grievances.


At the start of every Mass, the priest would make the sign of the
cross, followed as usual by the entrance song and the blessing,
after which the congregation responded, "And also with you." One
Sunday, after making the sign of the cross, our priest appeared to
be having difficulty with the sound system during the singing of
the entrance hymn. At the conclusion of the song, the priest said,
"There seems to be something wrong with the mike." The
congregation automatically responded, "And also with you."


[I don’t like ‘list’ jokes, but this one is fair...]

The following 15 police comments were taken off of actual police
car videos around the country.

#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."

#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you
didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from
my gun."

#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that
means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't
think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift

#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do
that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you
are drunk or not: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where
you go to ride on rides, and eat cotton candy.

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a
toaster oven."

#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have
quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we

#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal
friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your

And............ THE BEST ONE!!!!!!! Drum Roll Please!!!!!!!

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right,
we don't."

Thursday, September 07, 2006

9/7 - It's the love of money stupid...

Thursday, September 07, 2006

During our week long conversation on weather I should take this
new job or not, the subject of finances came up. “We’ll feel rich
for a couple of months, and then we’ll just end up spending like
we were on our old salary. We’ll just get used to our new income”
I said. So I’m bound and determined to save a good chuck of my
raise for retirement. (I’ve only got 25 years ya’know...)

A few months ago I picked up a book at my father-in-law’s house
titled ‘The 5 lessons a millionaire taught me.’ I saw it tonight
and started reading it. I’m pretty sure I know what the lessons
are, but just to keep up with my reading skills, I dove in. (Wait,
I read a computer screen all day, isn’t that something?)

Anyway, there are a few things that I ran across. These quotes are
mostly for me when I go and re-read my JOTD issues, but feel free
to read along if you want.

The quote isn’t “Money is the root of all evil” the quote is “The
love of money is the root of all evil.” (1 Timothy 6;10).

But George Bernard Shaw says, “Lack of money is the root of all

A dentist said, “Those who don’t think about their teeth are those
who later in life spend the most time thinking about them.” And so
it goes with money.

“If we were to take one hundred Americans and follow their
financial path to age sixty-five, less than four of them will have
an income above $35,000, while five times that number will live
below the poverty line. More than 50 percent will be wholly
dependent on relatives, social security and welfare.”

Hmm... I think I need to go and get my teeth cleaned...

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment sections


Since he runs a pawnshop, I decided to ask a friend of mine to
appraise my grandfather's violin. "Old fiddles aren't worth much,
I'm afraid," he explained. "What makes it a fiddle and not a
violin?" I asked. "If you're buying it from me, it's a violin. If
I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle."


On a U.S. cruiser the officer of the deck asked the starboard
lookout, "What would you do if a sailor was washed overboard?"
"I'd yell 'Man overboard,'" answered the lookout snappily. "Good,"
said the officer. "Now what would you do if an officer fell
overboard?" The lookout asked, "Which one, sir?"


[one of my favorites...]

The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long and
difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our beautiful
little girl emerged, perfect in every way. Later, in my room, my
husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in his eyes. Then as he
glanced up at me, I expected him to utter something truly poetic.
Instead he asked, "What'd we decide to call her again?"

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

9/6 - Stinky Shoes? I'm outta here!

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

I took a trip to my Rural East clinics today. It was a pretty busy
day at one of the clinics. I worked on computer moves and problems
for almost 5 hours. That wouldn’t be so bad, but the drive is 3
hours both ways and I had two other clinics to support. So, after
a 12 hour day, I’m home. (And no overtime, darn! I’ll just use
less vacation for the Labor Day holiday.)

It was kind of a bitter sweet trip. I had to tell the clinics that
it would be my last trip down there. Some of those clinics are my
favorites... It’s my last trip down because I was offered a job
(same company, same clinic) to be a PACS administrator. I had a
really hard time deciding weather to take this job or not. I love
my job. I love helping people and I’m pretty good at it too. The
crew I work with is the best, and my boss is pretty cool too.
There was only one small problem; they’ll pay me tons more to take
this new job. After a week of serious thought, I jumped. On Friday
I gave my boss 3 weeks notice; (mostly because I know how slowly
the wheels of hiring people go at this place.)

So, what’s a PACS administrator? Good question. It’s the same
question I had just before I applied. All I knew was that it paid
a bunch more than when I was making. PACS stands for Picture
Archival and Communications Systems. The ‘Picture’ part is digital
x-rays. The Archival and Communications systems part is the
storing, distributing, and helping Doctors view the digital x-
rays. I’m sure I’ll let you know more as I get trained.

They say I’m good with the Docs, and they think I’ll be a quick
study. Let’s hope so.

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

p.s. We got a new web cam last weekend, and I was working on a
100% video issue for last night. It didn’t work out very well. I
had son #4 singing ‘Alice, where are you going?’ and the ‘ABC
song.’ But, I had lighting, sound, and posting issues, so at 11:30
last night I decided to bag the issue. More later...

Reader Comment sections

Marty, Sorry about the meat ordeal, but for future reference, it
smells a lot less after it is refrozen. It might take an ice pick
or a crowbar to get it loose, but the smell is less. Have a great
day, Chuck

[ugg... and I had almost put those stinky thoughts out of my head.
Oh, and a quick little story. Tuesday I was fixing a printer. “oh
my” I thought, what’s that smell? “No... couldn’t be.” Yes it was,
it was the smell of the meat. “Oh shoot... the juice must have
splashed on my shoes yesterday. Gag, it stinks!” So, because it
was the first day of school for son #4, and seeing my sweet wife
cry as the bus went down the street, I figured I’d use that excuse
to invite her to lunch and keep her mind off of things (and bring
a fresh pair of shoes to boot! [pun]...) It was worth it!


"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography and the dancers hit each other."
--Jack Handy, Deep Thoughts


One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's
office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a
mother sitting there with curlers in her hair, and wearing

"Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.

"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to
embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting
school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"


I was in my car one day listening to a guy on the radio help
callers with their home problems. One woman called up hysterical
after finding a skunk in her basement. "Leave a trail of
breadcrumbs or cat food from your basement to your backyard,"
suggested the show's host. "That'll get rid of it." An hour later
the woman called back, even more upset. "Now I have TWO skunks in
my basement!"


A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular
basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner
club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors' house
each month. Of course, the lady of the house was to prepare the
meal. When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the
dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all
the others and prepare a meal that as the best that any of them
had ever lapped a lip over. A few days before the big event, Susie
got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak.
When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the
price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then
told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms, because they
are just too expensive." He said, "Why don't you go down in the
pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them
right in the creek bed." She said, " I don't want to do that,
because I have heard that wild mushrooms can be poison." He then
said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the
time and it never has affected them." After thinking about this,
Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went
down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild
mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get
them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on
the back porch and got the bowl belonging to Spot, (the yard dog)
and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on
them to make them tasty. Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had
eaten every bite. All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild
mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from
town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and
a little cap on her head.....it was first class. After everyone
had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize.
The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit. About
this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and
whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died."
With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally
calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had
happened. The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care
of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick
as I can get there. We will pump out everyone's stomach and
everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them
calm." It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren
as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there,
the EMTs got out with their suitcases and a stomach pump and the
doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each
person into the master bedroom and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I
think everything will be fine now," and he left. They were all
looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about
this time, the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow
that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped."
~Betty H.

Monday, September 04, 2006

9/4 - Nasty Gross Stinky White Cane

Monday, September 04, 2006

Oh, I’ll bet our Labor day was more exciting than your was! Last
weekend we went to my #1 mom’s for dinner. My foster sister was
there and said that she left a message on our machine the week
before (that no one heard) that the power company had shut the
power off to my dad’s house in Randolph. After I straightened out
the billing we got an order to turn the power back on. But, you’d
think that Rocky Mountain Power would notify you they’re shutting
off your deceased father’s power at an empty house (8 months after
their last bill) by mail. But no such luck with this power
company. They say a door hanger is notice enough... ~great~
customer service Rocky Mountain...

Anyway, things wouldn’t have been so bad, but dad had a chest
freezer half full of meat. Can you just imagine? I’m telling you,
today was the nastiest, grossest, sickest job I’ve done in my
entire life. The smell was just indescribable. I won’t go into
details, but I’m sure you can use your imagination... I’m glad
that part of the ordeal is over...

On the lighter side, one of the boys found a cane that someone had
given my dad on one of his ‘old timer’ birthdays. I’m sure you’ve
seen something like it; it’s a cane with a rear view mirror and a
horn on it.

Son #4 said, “Hey, that’s great, I could use a cane!” (He’s been
asking for a white cane). So, for the next hour he ran around the
yard, smacked the cane on the ground, and honked his horn.
Tomorrow is his first day of school. I’m sure a cane will be a the
first topic of discussion between his teacher and us!

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment sections

[Ok, ok... I know there are some of you out there who wouldn't say
anything, but miss me when I skip a day.]
Now you know we miss you..but I think we are all learning that you
have a good excuse!!!

[But after I clocked out, we had a nice dinner, took a dip in the
pool and hot tub and went back to the room to watch TV.]
You want us to really believe you just watched TV after a nice dip
in the pool and hot tub?
[Um... yeah, that’s what we did. Honest. [big grin]]

[It was so muddy and I fell and got covered in mud.]
Hope your sweet wife got a picture of that one!!

[Go figure, to tell you the truth, I think I'd be board with
myself if I were me...]
Oh really now... Oak or Hickory?
[Actually, it would be balsa...]

[I could see my wife's head in her hands worried sick.]
You mean trying to keep the laughter in??? Knowing full well that
she was glad it wasn't herself calling 911
~Debi s.~

[About the Closet Story...]
Actually, your [closet] story was pretty accurate, except I was
trying to find Chuzzle on the computer for him and I could'nt find
it right away. He said, "Grandma, think!!" I said I didn't know
what to think. He then said, "I'm going in here to think!" and he
went in the closet. He came out a couple of times and said he was
going back in and the last time he locked it. He was very brave,
even though he doesn't like the dark and he said he learned never
to do that again. In fact, when he want into the tiny bathroom
the next time, he wouldn't close the door, but made me go into the
next room, so he could have his "privacy".
~#1 Mom

>Re: 8/31 - Traveling Baby Sitter Troubles

I think you should have titled it ‘#4 Coming Out of the Closet’
~#1 sister

[Um... No.]


At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a moment
of silence to remember the faithful dead... As the church grew
quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father
and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"


A park ranger in the Everglades was making his rounds a couple of
summers ago when a woman came bolting out of the weeds right in
front of his truck. She seemed frantic and he finally got her calm
enough to say that her five-year-old son was sitting on the back
of an alligator. Now the ranger was frantic. Running in the
direction she was pointing he found the lad astride a twelve foot
male alligator which was trying to relieve itself of its load by
twisting and snapping. As the brave ranger moved in he tried to
console the mother by saying, "I think I can grab the boy and move
away before the gator moves. Be ready to grab your son. I may have
to shoot the gator." To which the lady replies "Good Heavens, no!
Don't shoot him. I just wanted you to make him hold still for a
minute so I could take my son's picture on his back."


"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good
points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to
tell you about both. The disadvantages are that there is a
chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block
north." "What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective
buyer. "The advantage is that you can always tell which way the
wind is blowing."