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Marty's Joke of the Day

Marty's Joke of the day is an internet column that I've written for more than 5 years.
I tell humorous stories about my "sweet wife" and raising our 4 young sons, named #1, #2, #3, and #4.
After 5 years of story telling, in August of 2005, doctors found a brain tumor in son #4.
Our focus here has changed little as we still try to find humor in our lives.

Monday, April 16, 2007

4/16 - Chicago Loose Tooth Dog

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Monday, April 16, 2007
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Last night son #4 had his second tooth come out. You have to
remember that each loose tooth that comes out of his head is a
blessing because we’re not sure HOW screwed up his noodle is going
to be because of his radiation treatments. So, a 2nd adult tooth
that comes in is a blessing.

But, even with such a momentous occasion, the tooth fairy forgot
(again...) to leave some money under the pillow. [If you have the
chance again, don’t ever be a 4th child. I don’t think that ever
happened with son #1...]

So, this morning son #4 came up to my sweet wife and said, “Mom,
the tooth fairy left my tooth, but forgot to leave any money.” My
quick thinking wife snuck a couple of bucks and said, “Are you
sure? Let’s go double check.” And they walked back into his room.
“Oh, here it is. You probably just didn’t see it.” He was as happy
as a clam. So when I saw him tonight, my sweet wife said, “Tell
dad what happened this morning.” He told the story and said, “And
I just didn’t see the money dad. Mom helped me find it though, so
it’s ok.”

Now, are we terrible parents or what? First, lying to a 6 year old
about the tooth fairy, then playing off of a legally blind 6 year
old to pull the switcheroo with a couple of bucks, and on top of
that, having the dad confirm the deed by saying, ‘Isn’t that great
son. Your mom is such a good mom.” I know we’re going to have to
pay for these sins some day, some how...

Tonight, we decided to have family night on the road. After
finishing up my dad’s stupid income tax stuff earlier this year
(he didn’t pay income taxes for the 5 years before he died. And
what a mess that was...), we were able to sell one of his
properties. The new owners asked us to clean out my dad’s storage
closet. So, for family night, we met at the old property and
hauled out more of my dad’s stuff. (Who knows where we’re going to
put MORE of his stuff at my house, which is currently bursting at
the seams...) Afterwards the boys said, “Let’s go out to eat dad!”
I told them I wasn’t hungry and could eat at home. But, on the way
home, I got a craving for a good old Chicago Dog.

There is a new place in town called JohnnieBeefs. And, it does a
fair job with the Chicago dog. Not quite the ‘snappy skin’ type
dogs you get in Chicago, but nevertheless, a pretty good
imitation. (My sweet wife loves to tell the story about the time
we were at Gene and Judes in River Grove Illinois west of Chicago.
She wanted some ketchup for the kids’ fries. So, while I waited in
the van, she went back in. She said the place got deathly quiet
while the lady behind the counter scolded her for even ~thinking~
about asking for ketchup. Well, there you go.)



At JonnieBeefs, at least they have ketchup. Anyway, we had a good
healthy (??) dinner on family night, and son #4 even at two full
Chicago dogs!

For tonight’s video offering, I found a tooth pulling video. It’s
of a cute little 6 year old girl. But, they might be coddling her
just a wee bit. I found a second video of the same girl, several
years later, all grown up, getting a surprise birthday gift.
You’ll love today’s videos.

Tooth Pulling Video



Now, here's the same Girl, all grown up...
Ok, not really, but as far as I can see, this video
is real. Not something I'd want all over the internet.
(But then she's not my kid...)
Enjoy



Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section

[About Phone numbers on the internet]

Hi Marty, Once Sally's name is on the internet there's not a lot
you can do. You can pay the Phone Co a monthly fee to not publish
it in the first place. But you know the answer; Get a new number
and use Vonage! Be sure to say Marty sent you. [That's what The
Shadow Knows (grin)] I really enjoy your blog, and tho I don't
write often, your family is usually in my prayers.
~Randy in Sacramento.

Marty, I know how to get your phone# separated from your name &
address on the internet. Go to www.whitepages.com, look yourself
up and use the remove option. It worked for me.
~Amber K. in CA

[And about the double standard]
As far as I'm concerned, you're 100% right, Marty!!! But hey... If
Jackson and Sharpton didn't start up all the racial controversy,
they wouldn't get anymore money from the idiots that fund them...
...Why would either of them stick their noses in any of these
cases if not for profit?
~Cookie

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Get on with the Jokes already!

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Following Directions;

Follow these steps in order:

1. Go to http://maps.google.com

2. Type in (without quotes) “from new york to paris france”

3. Scroll down in the directions list to number 24.

4. Laugh a moment, and then forward this email this to anyone else
who needs a good laugh.

~Stan D.


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We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and
several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one
point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a
talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does
anyone know what the bishop does?" There was silence. Finally, one
little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move
diagonally."

~Wanda D.

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So as not to be outdone by all the Redneck, Hillbilly, and Texan
jokes, somebody had to come up with this. (Tongue in cheek, of
course!)

You know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring,
and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm
donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans
are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and
Ethiopian.

8. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

9. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

10. Unlike back home, the guy sitting in Starbucks at 8:30 a.m.
wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George
Clooney really IS George Clooney.

11. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

12. Its barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news
station: "STORM WATCH."

13. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are
all busy with their cell phones or Ipods.

14. Its barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an
hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

15. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal
trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

16. The Terminator is your governor.

17. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If
you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

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Thursday, February 01, 2007

2/1 - Still kick'n

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Thursday, February 01, 2007
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Hi, just a quick note letting you know I haven’t dropped off the
face of the earth, and no, we haven’t taken a 4 week vacation
somewhere. (Although with the crud in the air these last few
weeks, it would have been nice.) It seems that school is taking a
lot of time. Biology isn’t what it was a hundred years ago when I
was in 10th grade. But, it seems (a little bit) more interesting
now.

I’m not used to coming home from work (some nights anyway),
wolfing down dinner in 10 minutes, then running off to school for
half the night. Then, when I get back home, it’s a bit nicer to
talk with my sweet wife and yell at the boys... ahum, wrestle with
the boys, than it is to sit down at the computer and write
stories. But, I thought I’d let you know I was still around.

Son #3 and #4 got their teeth cleaned today. Son #4 is a talkative
kid so it took them a lot longer to clean his teeth because the
hygienist had to stop ever 10 seconds to let him talk. Then when
it was son #3’s turn to get in chair, son #4 said he wanted the
tools so he could do the job. They didn’t let him.

And, my sweet wife found out today why son #4 was so surprised
that he actually got money from the tooth fairy after losing his
first tooth a week or so ago. He told my sweet wife today that
because his brothers tease him so much, that he rarely believes
what they say. And when they said he’d get money from a tooth
fairy... that was just a bit much for him to believe. But, he was
happy when she did come!

Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

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Reader Comments

Marty, I think the Group has officially given your Sweet Wife a
first place ribbon for her painting.
~Amber K. Lake Isabella, CA

[She’s ALWAYS been first place with me!]

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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage
will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet
seat just by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and
bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your
veins. Remember to use an egg timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then
you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you
will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life
really are: In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct
Tape. If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40. If it should
not move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

~Courtney D.

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When I dropped my son off at college, we found that he was
assigned to the fourth floor of a dormitory. As I trudged through
the parking lot to retrieve yet another load to carry up the four
flights of stairs, two young women caught my attention from a dorm
window. "Hey, Mom!" one called down. "Yo, Mom!" I was too tired
to respond, so I just ignored them until I heard the second girl
ask the first, "How do you know that woman is somebody's mom?" The
first girl replied, "Who else would do that?"

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A man came into a gun shop and asked to see a shotgun. The clerk,
seeing that the customer was well-dressed and probably had a well-
padded pocketbook, showed him a Belgian handcrafted mother of
pearl inlay weapon and demonstrated its fine points. A bargain at
$12,000. The customer says, "No, not quite what I need." Then the
clerk brings out an English model and shows off its fine points. A
steal at only $7,500. The customer says, "No, I don't need
anything that fancy." The clerk, disappointed, shows the customer
a Winchester 'over and under' mass production model. Only $299.95.
The customer says, "That will do nicely. After all, it's an
informal wedding."

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Thursday, January 18, 2007

1/18 - Thursday Already?

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Thursday, January 18, 2007
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Wow, is it Thursday already? Time flies when you’re having fun I
guess. Son #4 lost his tooth a couple of days ago. He wants to
wait until he can borrow Grandma’s tooth box to put it under his
pillow. Only, I haven’t had a chance to stop by and pick it up
from her. Does that make me a bad parent?

This week we’re doing an install of new radiology computer
equipment in Davis County. It’s about a 45 minute drive from my
house, and I’ve had to leave there late every night. Then I’ve got
school on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It makes for an interesting
week. I’m certainly glad I didn’t schedule anything on Monday
nights so I can spend some time with the family!

But, tomorrow I’ll at least get to spend some time with son #2 on
a winter campout. Brr... with temps this cold, it better be worth
it!

Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

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The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'

So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy,''Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!
~#1 Mom

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My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state
trooper pulled us over as we were driving through Georgia. Hoping
to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when he
walked up to the car. "I have never been stopped like this
before," she said to the officer. "What do they usually do,
ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"

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An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor
was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked,
"To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good
shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down
the fairways."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your father when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my father's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your father is
still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he golfed with
me this morning. That's why he's still alive, he's a golfer."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to
it. How about your grandfather? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess
he went golfing with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because
he got married."

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-
old guy want to get married?"

The old timer shot back, "Who said he wanted to?"

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Friday, January 12, 2007

1/12 - What goes in must come out

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Friday, January 12, 2007
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A special Friday morning edition;

Last night I got home from school, and it was getting late. My
sweet wife was at a meeting, so I told the kid that they should
get ready for bed. I told each one, “Don’t forget to brush your
teeth.” When it was son #4’s turn, he was so tired he wanted me to
brush them for him. “I’ll open my mouth and you brush dad...”

Son #4 has his first loose tooth. Now a loose tooth on this one is
a milestone. Because of his radiation treatments after the tumor,
they told us that it’s possible that some of his adult teeth won’t
come in. But, just like everything else, we just have to wait and
see.

Anyway, I told him about the tooth fairy. “If you pull your tooth
out put it under your pillow, you’ll get some money.” His eyes got
real big and he said, “How much?” [Son #3 yelled from his bed, “I
get a buck and a half!” Oh, thanks...] I told him the tooth fairy
usually starts off small and gives 50¢ per tooth. Then he asked,
“What does the tooth fair do with all of those teeth?” I thought
for a moment, digging back in my subconscious thinking ‘what does
she do with them?’ Then I remembered something I had heard...
“She builds a big white castle with them.” He seemed to think that
was ok. We brushed for awhile, and then he said, “Dad, how much is
50¢?” I said, “Hmm... let’s see. If you save your money, and pull
out a second tooth, you can get a dollar store toy.” He kind of
frowned. Then I said, “Or, 50¢ will let you fart twice at the
dinner table and put money in the pizza jar.” His face brightened
up and smiled. “Really?” He thought that was the best idea in the
world. He started to wiggle his tooth as he walked to his bedroom.

No, my sweet wife wasn’t there to hear me, or I would have gotten
in trouble.

Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

p.s. I had a friend send me a funny video this week. It’s a new
fangled way to get out of debt. I really think this one will work!



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"Arnold Schwarzenegger is blaming man for global warming. And
today Al Gore agreed with him. That's so typical. Two cyborgs
blaming the humans."
~Jay Leno

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A woman, her husband, and their four rambunctious young sons were
in their car waiting at a traffic. The woman glanced over at the
car next them, noticing a blissfully happy mother with her baby
daughter. Looking at her husband she said, "As soon as I lose my
weight from the last baby, I want to try for a daughter."
The husband reached up to the dash, grabbed an open box of snacks,
and said, "Here, have another cookie."

[Ok, I changed it from 3 to 4 boys. It just sounded more...
natural.]

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"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his
anxious Patient. "You only have six months to live." The man sat
in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his
Composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no
medical Insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time."
"Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."

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