Marty's Joke of the Day

Marty's Joke of the day is an internet column that I've written for more than 5 years.
I tell humorous stories about my "sweet wife" and raising our 4 young sons, named #1, #2, #3, and #4.
After 5 years of story telling, in August of 2005, doctors found a brain tumor in son #4.
Our focus here has changed little as we still try to find humor in our lives.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

6/27 - Fish Poop - (Bass Turds)

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Ok, so the other ward has a new Scout Master. And since there are
only 2 boys in our troop, we’ve combined with them several months
ago. The other SM is a really nice guy. Tonight we took hatchets,
saws, and knives on about a 2 mile hike. We were going to cut some
small logs and show the Scouts the proper way to sharpen the

We did everything very proper and by the book. Someone has to ask
for the hatchet and the person handing the hatchet says, “here you
go”. Then the other guy has to say “thank you” before the first
guy will let go. (All rules to get your Totin' Chip card) The
other SM told me that when he had a patrol meeting earlier in the
week, he met with the patrol leaders and senior patrol leader.
(son #2 is a patrol leader) He said things were kind of funny. He
told me he was stern and said, “We’re going to do everything by
the book. We’re going to learn the proper names of these tools.”
He proceeded to tell the boys that they were going to sharpen the
hatchet with a ‘hand bastard file’. He said that son #2 refused to
say the word bastard. Even with a little egging.

Tonight when we got to the top of the trail, we broke out the
gear, and son #2 was to set up and teach his patrol how to sharpen
the hatchet. The other SM got out the tools and explained the
names of each of the tools to the troop and what they were there
for. Of course, there were a few snickers from the 12 year old
boys when he told them about the hand bastard file.

We split into patrols and son #2 got down on his knees next to his
block of wood and 4 stakes. He asked for the gloves and the
hatchet properly, but then he said, “May I have the hand file
please?” the other SM paused a second winked at me, and said,
“Sure. But what’s the proper name?”

Son #2 said, “I’m NOT going to say that!” I laughed and told him
it was ok.

The other SM jokingly said, “That’s ok. There are only a few free
times that you can say it, this is one of them.”

Son #2 still refused.

I was both proud and a little embarrassed for him. But when some
of the other boys refused to say it too, I thought that was cool.

Just an interesting observation.

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!



"Is this a bad idea? The folks at Sprint announced it is
developing a TV cell phone. It will let you watch TV on your cell
phone. They have the perfect name for it: 'Nine Dead in Interstate
~Jay Leno


As explained by Cliff Clavin of "Cheers"..... One afternoon Cliff
was explaining the 'Buffalo Theory' to his buddy, Norm. Here's how
it went:

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.....A herd of buffalo can only
move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted,
it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed
first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much
the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know,
kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells, making a faster and more efficient machine.
And...so, that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."


An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to
the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the
affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
~Wanda D.


Mike Hill and his new wife, Diane, were vacationing in Europe, as
it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car
along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very
hard. Mike could barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly
the car skids out of control! Mike attempts to control the car,
but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments
later, Mike shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over
at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her
head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Mike
knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone. Mike carefully
picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road, After a short
while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is
coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and
knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Mike
immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Mike Hill, and this is my
wife Diane. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has
been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?? "I'm sorry,"
replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a
doctor; come in and I will get him." Mike brings his wife in. An
elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may
have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.
However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic and I have had a
basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them
down to the laboratory." With that, Igor picks up Diane and
carries her downstairs, with Mike following closely. Igor places
Diane on a table in the lab. Mike collapses from exhaustion and
his own injuries, so Igor places Mike on an adjoining table. After
a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "things are
serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work
feverishly, but to no avail. Mike and Diane Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs
the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it
is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a
stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor
is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his
eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Diane Hill's
hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Mike's arm begins to rise! He
is further amazed, as Diane sits straight up! Unable to contain
himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in
and shouts to his master: "Master, Master!.......The Hills are
alive with the sound of music!"

~Wanda D.
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Monday, June 25, 2007

6/25 - Busy Busy Summer!

Monday, June 25, 2007

Tonight we went to ‘Bridge to Terabithia’. It was pretty good, but
not quite what I expected. I’ll give it a 2 ½ boys out of 4.

We had a busy weekend. Last weekend, if you recall, we went to a
family reunion and camped overnight at Bear lake. This weekend
Camp Hobe asked up to be a host family for Camp Hobe at the 7th
annual ‘Catch a Cure for Cancer’ fishing tournament at
Starvation Reservoir. Last year they raised over $17,000 for camp Hobe.
I’m not sure how they did this year, but with 42 boats, and every one
giving all of their prize money back to the camp, plus a HUGE
raffle drawing, I’ll bet they did pretty well.

The kids even wanted to chip in and buy some raffle tickets. The 3
older ones put in $10 each, and mom and dad put in $30 more. We
all did pretty well too. Between the 6 of us we got some Olympic
key chains, floating pliers, blow up pool toy, 2 free lunches, 3
brand new fishing poles, a $25 gift card to Sportsmen wearhouse,
and a 4 man tent! I’m telling you, there was a ton of prizes. (If
someone will remind me next year, I’ll take your donations and
send you what you win!)

The summer is only 1/3 of the way over, and we still have the
Make-a-Wish Ducky Derby and swimming day, Pediatric Brain tumor
Ride for Kids, Pioneer Trek, and Scout camp left. I think we’re as
busy as we are in December!

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!


Interesting quiz. Find out what accent you have. I’m upper Midwestern.
Right were I should be...



A crew of highway maintenance workers was sent to repair some road
signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first
one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.

As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one crew
member looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway.

She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been
waiting to cross?"


"In England this week they recorded their highest temperature in
history. Good thing they can all cool off with a refreshing meat
~Conan O'Brien

[I hear they don’t put ice in their drinks, and serve water warm.


As the commercial says, "Life comes at you fast," and before you
know it you're old. This is one of the best assessments of being
old that I have read, so I thought I would share it with my
children, who will someday (before they know it) be old.

The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old.
I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon
seeing my reaction, he was immediately embarrassed, but I
explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder
it, and let him know.*

*Growing Older, I decided, is a gift.*

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I
have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over
my body ... The wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the cellulite. And
often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror,
but I don't agonize over those things for long.*****I would never
trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for
less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more
kind to myself, and less critical! of myself. I've become my own
friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for
not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I
didn't need, but looks so avant garde on my patio. I am entitled
to be messy, to be extravagant, to smell the flowers. I have seen
too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they
understood the great freedom that comes with aging.*

*Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer
until **4 a.m** and then sleep until -- ? *

*I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50's &
60's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love I
will. **

*I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a
bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I
choose to, despite the pitying glances from the bikini set.*

*They, too, will get old. *

* I know I am sometimes forgetful. But then again, some of life is
just as well forgotten and I eventually remember the important

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart
not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or
even when a beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are
what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart
never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy
of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn
gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep
grooves on my face So many have never laughed, and so many have
died before their hair could turn silver. I can say "no," and mean
it. I can say "yes." and mean it.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about
what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've
even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being older. It has set me
free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live
forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time
lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be.
And I shall eat dessert every single day... (if I want)

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Tuesday, June 19, 2007

6/19 - Cute MRI

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Today we’re all just a wee bit tired, and a wee bit cranky. No
wonder why. I was up late last night, got up early this morning,
and got everyone ready for son #4’s MRI. They put him under with
Nembutal, and he always wakes up just a little cranky. And stays
that way all day.

So, I’m doing the JOTD early so I can catch up on sleep.

When they were giving him his IV and taking vitals, we got the “oh
he’s so cute” no less than 5 different times today. We took son #1
with us, and they never said anything about him being cute. When
one IV nurse told son #4 how cute he was, I turned to son #1 and
said, “See, they don’t say you’re cute.” Without missing a beat he
said, “That’s right, I’m not cute because I’m hot!”

Whoa, slow down there mister...

After I talked about my dad’s ashes yesterday, someone mentioned
turning ashes of your loved ones into diamonds. Yup, you read
right. You can turn the carbon from a cremated body into a


Would you do it?

Here's some links


And, a video about it

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!

p.s. Oh, and I almost forgot. We got CLEAN SCANS! Today.


I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the
computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and
solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error." I didn't want to appear
stupid, but I nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T Error? What's
that, in case I need to fix it again?" Harold grinned. "Haven't
you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote it down.

I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold...

[I also use the ol’ “Chair-Keyboard-Interface error”. (which is
the user...]


A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's
deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is
a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better
education then any cop from Houston, Texas. He decides to prove
this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.
The deputy says, “License and registration, please."
"What for?" says the lawyer.
The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop
Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop,” says the deputy.
“License and registration, please."
The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the
law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.
The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between
slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and
you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me
the ticket."
"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts
beating the living daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you
want me to stop, or just slow down?"


This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at some lights
while not really paying attention. Anyway the guy who was driving
got out. And he was a dwarf! He said "I'm not happy." I said
"Well, which one are you then?"

~Betty H.

Monday, June 18, 2007

6-18 Chicken Ashes and Camping MRI's

Monday, June 18, 2007

Ok, so I can’t sleep. It’s 11:00 PM and I haven’t even started the
JOTD! I hate the pre-MRI jitters. Tomorrow will pass quickly and
quietly I hope. Son #4 is NPO after 6:45 tomorrow morning. That
might mean we can sleep through breakfast...

So, we went camping this weekend. First we went to Logan Utah,
about 2 hours north of us, for a family reunion. As you know I’ve
done a bit of Genealogy, but not as much as some of these people.
I think when you hit 65, that you must have more time to do those
sorts of things. I can only hope I make it that long to get some
time to do more of mine research.

What really impressed me at this reunion (other than the fact that
everyone was over 70, and I only knew 2 people out of the 40 who
attended) was the fact that our host had really done a lot of
research. I don’t know if she found it, or got it from her
ancestors, but they have a line that goes back to Charlemagne.
And, if you get back to him, you can apparently get back to Adam.
Yes, ~the~ Adam. So, if you thought it was cool that my sons were
related to Merlin Olsen, going back to Adam ought to really
impress you. And, speaking of Merlin Olsen, I met his sister at
the reunion. She told stories of him when he was younger, and
apparently he was a pretty big boy growing up. He was even bigger
when he played for the LA Rams. And no, I didn’t ask for her

After the reunion, we camped over night at Bear Lake. Grandma and
Grandpa stayed in their RV with my 4 boys, and my poor sweet wife
and I got stuck in a tent yet again. Someday I’ll get to sleep in
the RV. I just know it! But, I digress...

Sunday on Father’s day, we ended up in Randolph. We had planned it
that way so we could spread my father’s ashes up on the mountain
with a great view. (Above 8400 feet!) He had a successful grouse
hunt there one year, and told a friend that’s where he wanted to
end up. Dad’s friend brought his bagpipes and played a few of
dad’s favorite tunes. High in the mountains, deep in the wood,
with a great view; It was pretty touching.

Sometimes I wonder about son #4. He runs around and like just a
normal kid, but then when we were tromping through the woods in
the mountains to find just the right spot for his grandpa, he
couldn’t walk worth a darn. He kept tripping and falling over
sticks and logs, and had a really hard time. We held his hand,
carried him a little, took it slow, and finally made it, but it
was just a stark reminder of his problems too.

We had told him that in ‘the box’ was grandpa’s ashes. Somehow he
got it in his little head that there were full sets of bones in
there. When grandpa came out of the box, son #4 was pretty upset
to learn that they ‘burned grandpa’. So, that was a tough sell

Anyway, one last story. For some reason when you’re driving around
for hours at a time, the family conversation turns to weird
things. We ended up talking about chickens and how my dad once
brought home several live chickens, and we all got to make them
into dinner. A scene I’ll not ever forget. A bit comical to my 10
or 11 year old brain... Which brought up a story that I told my
boys. When we lived in Kearns, I was the Varsity Coach for the Boy
Scouts. (14-15 year old Scouts). Now there’s something that
happens to a boy when he turns 14 and gets with another bunch of
14 and 15 year old Scouts and they stop working on merit badges,
and start thinking of other stuff. Anyway, our Varsity Team was
going on the ‘Big Event’, kind of like a Mountain Man Rendezvous
for Scouts. We needed a new dutch oven for the team, and they were
having a dutch oven cooking contest with a brand new dutch oven as
one of the prizes. So, having this vast knowledge about preparing
chickens from scratch... (ba dum bump...), and wanting to
somehow... excite the boys into activity, I thought our Team could
impress the judges by bringing fresh, (oh so fresh) ingredients
for a BBQ chicken dish. But, being somewhat cautious, I wanted to
try it during one of our Scout meetings first. So I searched the
valley for a live chicken, and brought one over to our meeting.
(After asking parental permission first, of course...) We
proceeded to take out the chopping stump, a handy Scout hatchet,
and proceeded to take care of business. We cleaned everything up,
cut the chicken in to pieces, got out the BBQ sauce, fired up the
coals, and started our award winning meal. Then, for some reason,
not one of the boys wanted to try any of our chicken. “I saw that
thing alive, and I’m not eating it!” I suppose that’s one thing
that they’ll never forget, and now that they’re older, I’m sure
they talk about it in their therapy sessions.

Come to think of it, that was about the chewiest, toughest chicken
I think I’ve ever had.

Enough of that. It’s time for bed. Now, enjoy your chicken
sandwich at lunch today ‘eh? (Grin)

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!


Jokes, stories, and for sure good MRI news tomorrow!

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Thursday, June 14, 2007

6/14 - Take me out to the ball game...

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Last Saturday our neighborhood grocery store had a small car show.
We decided to run down and check it out. It was pretty cool and
had about a dozen cars that were really nice looking. They were
giving away a bunch of stuff, and they had the local minor league
baseball mascot there. (A Bee). They also had a pitcher from the
team there. The Salt Lake Bees are the minor league team for the
California Angels, and the pitcher even pitched for them last
year. (he came down because of an injury...)

Anyway, it was son #2’s Saturday, and I asked the pitcher if they
were playing that night. He said they were, and that he was even
pitching. So, son #2 and I headed down that night. Salt Lake has a
really nice stadium for AA ball. In fact, it’s been called the
nicest stadium in the country for minor league baseball. Anyway, I

So, the team lost. But I guess you have to lose a few to make
winning better, right? So, we called it a night and headed to the
parking lot, and I saw something on my windshield. I got a parking
ticket! What?? I parked correctly. What was this for? It was for
expired plates.

It seems the City of Salt Lake proper, exhibits absolutely no
compassion when it comes to expired plates. Take a look at the

Notice the date the ticket was issued? June 9th. Notice the date
that my plates expired? May 31st. Nine stink’n days! How do you
like that? Now, I’ve had my plates expired at least 3 months
before. (more times than one...) and I never got a ticket. I guess
this one made up for it... stupid meter maids.

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!

Reader Comments;

Maybe if I send you more jokes, you'll be able to publish more
than once a week. Love Mom
~#1 mom

[Yeah, but they gotta be better than the one you sent! (Grin)]

Just got back from vacation and read the jokes. My friend was in
Utah helping open that IKEA store. She works at the IKEA here in
Michigan. I've only been to the one here once, crowds aren't my
thing lol. That store is always packed and its been here for more
than a year I'm sure. I couldn't believe the deals that were in
there though. They have a lot of good quality products for dirt
cheap. Keep them jokes comming, I enjoy reading them all the

[Thanks, now I just have to find time to get back there!]


"Business analysts say that McDonald's is doing really well lately
because Americans have to spend more money on gas so they're going
to McDonald’s rather than more expensive restaurants. So
basically, as Americans have to spend more for oil they're looking
to pay less for grease."
~Jay Leno


A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for
some free professional advice. "What kind of toy would you suggest
giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked.

"First I'd have to know more about the child," the psychologist

The woman took a deep breath. "He's very bright and quick-witted
and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good
coordination, expresses himself very well..."

"Oh, I see," the psychologist said, "It's YOUR child!"


A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the
bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in
the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very
carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's
foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the

As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and
the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to
face the man and stared at him intently. For a long minute the man
stood frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of
that day. One day the man was walking through the zoo with his
son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the
rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this
was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly, then it continued to stare at
him. The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and
made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around
one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along
the railing, killing him.

Turns out, it wasn’t the same elephant.

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Monday, June 11, 2007

6/11 - Kiki, Krap, and PMS

Monday, June 11, 2007

It’s been a busy week! Sons #3 and #4 went to week long Camp
. (Fun summer camp for kids with cancer and their siblings.)
Last year son #4 just went to day camp, but this year we decided to
let him go to week long camp. It was quite an experience to see how
my sweet wife and son #4 spent time apart. I could tell they both
missed each other a lot, but neither of them would admit it.

Last year for his birthday, son #3 got a parakeet that we named
Sky. She’s a really pretty bird that’s light blue and white. Well,
son #3 has been saving up money and wanted a larger cage and
another bird. There’s this place on the internet called FreeCycle,
where people offer ‘stuff’ that they don’t want. (Books, Bikes,
moving boxes, anything you can think of) and other people ‘ask’
for things that they need. The idea is to keep junk that other
people want, out of our landfills.

Well, since son #3 has done pretty well with his birds, I thought
it might be a good idea to give FreeCycle a try. So I asked if
anyone had a larger cage that they didn’t want. Bingo! A guy in
Tooele (about an hour away) had 2 birds and a cage. His wife was
allergic to the birds so he needed to get rid of them. It also
happened to be about 5 miles from where the boys went to Camp
Hobe. So, on the way to pick up the boys last Friday, we picked up
a couple of birds and a cage to go with. All 3 birds are doing

Pom-Pom is a male that is light blue and white, like Sky. Kiki is
a green and yellow parakeet, who the former owner didn’t think
would last too long. He’s got tumor bumps showing on his body and
beak. (Is that something you tell your 6 year old with a history
of a brain tumor, that his brother’s new bird is going to die of a
tumor. We’ll just deal with that one later. So far so good...)

Anyway, Kiki loves to get out of the cage, fly around for a
second, and land on your shoulder. He’s pretty good about going
back in the cage when you put your finger out for him too. Since
my sweet wife and I are on a crash course to learn the penny
for the trek, we’re always practicing. The other day my
sweet wife was sitting in the living room playing. Kiki got out
and flew to her shoulder. She thought it was pretty cool, so she
finished her practicing, and then put her finger up so the bird
would hop on and go back into the cage. We haven’t figured out the
reason why, but all of a sudden, Kiki crapped all over her
shoulder. I’m not sure if it was a comment on the fact that she
stopped playing, he didn’t like the why she played, or that he
just didn’t want to go into the cage. But, I don’t think I’ll
practice with a bird on my shoulder!

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!

p.s. I hate the time after I realize that son #4 has another MRI
coming up, and before it’s over. It’s the crazy jittery time where
you just start to wonder, what if... So, a week from Tuesday
(the 19th) son #4 will have another MRI. A friend on the Pediatric
Brain Tumor email list calls it PMS. (Pre-MRI Syndrome). Ahh...
I’ve got it again...

Also, I was going through some x-ray exam notes the other day, and
came across some guys brain scan that mentioned his ependyma. It
caught my eye because son #4 had an ependymoma. I looked it up,
and it’s the lining over the brain under the skull. Then I got to
thinking, one of my kids was born “In Caul”, or being what they
call a “Caulbearer.” These are supposed to be some pretty special
kids. (some say 1 in 80,000 births) And, wouldn’t you know it,
it’s son #4. I knew there was something special about that boy.


How embarrasssing

How embarrasssing

I hate construction!


Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you
could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a
half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the
teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have
six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half
dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my
head and ordered six McNuggets


I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and
the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I
picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash
register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get
mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up
the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could
scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how
much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think
I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things
and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
~#1 Mom


A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wal-Mart in
a buggy. Each time she put something in the basket she would say,
"And here's something for you, Diploma." or "This will make a cute
little outfit for you, Diploma." and so on. Eventually a
bewildered shopper who'd heard all this finally asked, "Why do you
keep calling your grandchild Diploma?" The grandmother replied, "I
sent my daughter to Virginia Tech and this is what she came home


Jim was a just out of boot camp, and was on his first ship. About
two hours out of port, he began to get a bit ill from the motion
of the ship. He approached an ensign, also just out of training
and on his first cruise. He saluted and said, "Excuse me sir, I am
feeling seasick, and I wondered if I may have permission to go
downstairs to the dispensary." The ensign returned his salute and
replied, "Sailor, you are in the Navy now. You don't go downstairs, you go below! There is no dispensary on this ship,
there is sickbay. Not only that, that is not the floor, it is a
deck, that is not the ceiling, it is the overhead, that is not a
pillar, it is a stanchion, that is not a water fountain, it is a
scuttlebutt. If I ever hear you using civilian words instead of
Naval jargon, I till throw you out of that little round window
over there."

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Monday, June 04, 2007

6/4 - What's IKEA mean anyway?

Monday, June 04, 2007

So, for date night last Friday my sweet wife and I decided to see
what all the huba-balou was about with the new Ikea store that had
opened up a week or so ago. It’s a huge 2 story building, and the
shopping experience was a bit different than any I’ve seen. When
you walk in the front door, there is one, and only one, way to go.
There are arrows on the floor for you to follow, and if you want
to see something, you have to step out of the crowded line to see
it. It reminded me of a tour in a fancy house with the velvet
ropes. “Follow me this way” and off you go with the group. I’m not
saying it was all bad, just quiet a bit different than going to
Home Depot to get a light bulb and then to the other side of the
store to get some nuts and bolts. They did have some surprising
low prices on some things.

After we grabbed some batteries and a storage container from the
main floor, we ended up at the checkout stand. We wanted to see
what the upstairs had to offer. “Excuse me, what’s the best way to
get to the 2nd floor?” I asked a guy in a yellow shirt. “Do you
have merchandise?” he replied, looking at my batteries and
container. “Yeah...” I said. He said, “Remember when you first
came in, there are some stairs and an elevator you can use.” So,
we had to travel through the whole main floor, with hundreds of
people coming the opposite way, to get to the 2nd floor.

Not such a great layout I’d say.

Sure, we could have paid for half of our purchases and re-entered
the store, but then I wouldn’t have anything to write about now
would I?

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!


A couple of cool IKEA comercials


"Homeland Security expects to have a new warning system in place
by the end of the year that will warn you of a national emergency
on your cell phone. They will call you if we are under attack or
there's a tornado or there's a hurricane. Of course the important
question for most Americans -- 'Does that use up our minutes?'"
~Jay Leno

A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where
a policeman is standing. "Officer," he asks, have you seen a man
run by here in the last few minutes?" "No I haven't. What's the
problem?" "The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!"
"Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?" the officer
asks. "Well, yes," the barber replies. "He's carrying one of his
ears in his left hand."


I telephoned the veterinarian's office to ask when I should take
my three month old kitten in to be vaccinated for rabies. After a
few initial questions, the woman who answered the telephone asked,
"What is the kitten's name?"

"Demon", I replied.

"Demon? That's an odd name," she said.

"Maybe, but it's appropriate anyway."

I heard clicking of a computer keyboard, then she said, "Our records
show that you have cats named Gato [which is Spanish for
'male cat'], Scamp, Stinky, and now you named one Demon. Is that

"Yes, it is."

"You really don't like cats, do you?"

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Friday, June 01, 2007

6/1 - Smok'n Hot Asphalt Pie?

Friday, June 01, 2007

I really like my Friday’s off. Today I felt guilty and figured I
needed to get out and take a walk. I invited my sweet wife, and
since yesterday was son #4’s last day of school, I invited him to.
I usually go to the park and walk around the mile long path, then
back home. It’s about 2 mile total.

Anyway, son #4 was just full of questions.
“How come we’re going walking dad?”
“So we can burn some calories.”
“What’s a calorie?”
“It’s a measure of energy and can be stored as fat in your body. If you have too many calories, you have too much fat.”

“Dad, how come the road is black?”
“Because that’s how they made it.”
“What do the make the road with?”
“Asphalt” I said.
“Asphalt? That sounds like your butt made a mistake” he replied
I laughed and said, “So a fart is an asphalt ‘eh?”
My sweet wife didn’t that was such a good thing to put into his

We walked on further and I asked, “What’s that?”
“It’s a fire hydrant”
“What’s it used for?”
“In emergencies, firemen come and squirt water out of it”
“They hook it up to their fire truck and squirt water on house fires, right?”

I went on to tell him a story when I was about his age... I’ll let
my #1 mom tell it. We had just returned home from going out to
dinner with the neighbors...

“It was dark when we came home and it was a school night so I
had to get you kids to bed right away. I sent you to your
rooms to get your pj's on and when I went to put you in bed,
I smelled smoke. I frantically searched the house for the
source and when I couldn't find it, I put everybody's coat on
(I think it was in December) and we waited right by the front
door for the fire department. The front door had the top half
glass. It took forever for the fire department to get there
(they couldn't find the house and our street was a new street
that they couldn't locate). Anyway, they came in to look for
the fire. I'll never forget how huge they seemed with their
hats and boots and jackets. Anyway, as you know, they finally
found your sock, which you had thrown up in the air and it
landed on top of the pin-up lamp which was on your wall. It
was singed, but hadn't flamed up. I remember thinking "if I
burned his house down, Dad would kill me."

So, anyway, son #4 got a kick out of that story and we walked and
burned our calories.

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!


Here’s a great video

More than just fire fighting...


One evening I was driving my six-year-old daughter to her
grandparents' home for an overnight stay. It was late, there was
little traffic and we were enjoying a peaceful ride. It was a far
cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive her to
various activities during rush hour. My daughter seemed deep in
thought when she said, "I have a question." "What do you want to
know?" "Mom, when you're driving," she asked, "are you ever the


A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the
circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any
experience and the man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the
most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything
he knew." "Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to
make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?" "Yes he did," the man
replied. "And did he teach you how to have six lions form a
pyramid?" "Yes he did," the man replied. "And have you ever stuck
your head in a lion's mouth?" "Just once," the man replied. The
ringmaster asked, "Why only once?" And the man said, "I was
looking for my father."
~Wanda D.


How to rope a deer.... by an anonymous Gentleman Rancher

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a
stall, feed it up on corn for a several weeks, then kill it and
eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I
figured that since they congregated at my cattle feeder and do not
seem to have much fear of me when we are there(a bold one will
sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am
in the back of the truck not 4 feet away) that it should not be
difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head
(to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home. I filled
the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The
cattle, who had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.
They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes my deer
showed up...3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped
out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just
stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist
and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still
just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly
concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards
it. It took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and
received an education. The first thing that I learned is that
while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you
rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on the
rope. That deer EXPLODED! The second thing I learned is that pound
for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or
a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope with
some dignity. A deer, no chance. That thing ran and bucked and
twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no
getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started
dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a
deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally
imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as much
stamina as some animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired
and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me. It
took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded
by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head, but I then
managed to get up. Right at that point I had lost my taste for
corn fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the
end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope
hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully
somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and
that evil deer. At that moment, I hated the thing and I would
venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in
my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested
the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large
rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think
clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I
shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we
were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death.
I managed to get it lined up to back in between my truck and the
feeder...a little trap I had set beforehand. Kind of like a
squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and started moving up so
I could get my rope back. Did you know that deer bite? THEY DO! I
never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite
somebody so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab
that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer
bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just
bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head,
almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts. The proper
thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw
back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for
several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being
smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim
by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out
of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that
rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior
for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They
rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and
shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned
a long time ago that when an animal like a horse strikes at you
with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to
do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards
the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you
can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so such
trickery did not work. In the course of a millisecond I devised a
different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and
run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run
from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that
it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so
different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and
three times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me
right in the back of the head and knocked me down. Now when a deer
paws at you and knocks you down it does not immediately leave. I
suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What
they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while
you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your
head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went

Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split
open, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty
good and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and
my back was bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas
jacket had protected me from most of the worst of it. I drove to
the nearest place, which was the co-op. I got out of the truck,
covered in blood and dust and looking like hell. The guy who ran
the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling
"Oh my God, What happened?" Now, I have never seen any law in the
state of Texas that would prohibit an individual from roping a
deer. I suspect that this is an area that they have overlooked
entirely. Probably because they didn't think anyone would be
stupid enough to try. And knowing, as I do, the lengths to which
law enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was
concerned that they may find a way to twist some existing laws to
paint my actions as criminal. I swear....not wanting to admit that
I had done something monumentally stupid played no part in my
response. I told him "I was attacked by a deer." I did not
mention that at the time It had my rope on it. The evidence was
all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it
had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face where it
had struck me. I asked him to call somebody to come get me...I
didn't think I could make it home on my own. So he did. Later that
afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to know
about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing
and Parks & Wildlife was interested in the event. I tried to
describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could ......
"Well, I was just filling the grain hopper and this deer came out
of nowhere and started kicking the hell out of me and BIT me! It
was obviously rabid or insane or something!" EVERYBODY for miles
around now knows about the deer attack (the guy at the co-op has a
big mouth). For several weeks people dragged their kids into the
house when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried
rifles when they filled their feeders. I have told several people
the story, but NEVER anybody around here. I have to see these
people every day and as a relative outsider ("gentleman
rancher/city folk" some say)...I have enough trouble fitting in
without them snickering behind my back and whispering "There's the
dumb-guy that tried to rope the deer !!".

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