Marty's Joke of the Day

Marty's Joke of the day is an internet column that I've written for more than 5 years.
I tell humorous stories about my "sweet wife" and raising our 4 young sons, named #1, #2, #3, and #4.
After 5 years of story telling, in August of 2005, doctors found a brain tumor in son #4.
Our focus here has changed little as we still try to find humor in our lives.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

8/31 - Traveling Babysitter Troubles

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Ok, ok... I know there are some of you out there who wouldn’t say
anything, but miss me when I skip a day. (#1 mom...) but, I have a
kind of good (lame?) excuse. I was out of town and... um... just
plain forgot.

Oh well.

Yesterday I took my sweet wife with me to Richfield. It was kind
of a nice little work/get away trip. At least it was nice after
working hours. During the day I had to install 8 brand new PCs and
one clinic, and pick up and haul away 7 more PCs at another
clinic. Not to mention the 4 hour drive each way. So, it was
pretty busy. But after I clocked out, we had a nice dinner, took a
dip in the pool and hot tub and went back to the room to watch TV.
I brought my GPS with me this trip and thought it might be cool to
see if there were any Geocaches around. There was. Just a quarter
mile south of the hotel we were at. But, to make a long story
short, we crossed over a large irrigation ditch and walked into a
clover field. It was so muddy and I fell and got covered in mud.
We decided not to finish that geocache.

Anyway, when I told my sweet wife when this month’s trip was
planned, she really wanted to go with, and spend some time with
me. (Go figure, to tell you the truth, I think I’d be board with
myself if I were me...) so she scrambled to arrange for Grandma’s
to take the kids here, there and everywhere, and then pick them
after that. She found everything except for one last thing. She
needed to find what to do with son #4 during the day today. So we
called my #1 mom and asked if she could watch him. Done! We
trotted off and had a good time.

On the way back from Richfield today, we decided to call my mom
just before lunch to see how things were going. I left the speaker
on so my sweet wife could see that everything was ok.

My mom answered up the phone, “Yeah?” That’s not a normal
greeting. I could tell right away that something wasn’t right. She
would never answer the phone with ‘Yeah?’ I had a bad feeling...

“What’s wrong?” I said.

“I just called 911...”

Gulp. Oh no. For about 1/30th of a second 12 zillion things ran
through my head. I thought of everything from rat poison to a
broken arm to brain tumor-causing seizures. And we were still 75
miles from home. What was I going to do?

“What happened?!” I replied on the 1/31st of a second.

“Oh,” she said a little more calmly. “We were playing hide and
seek and son #4 was hiding in the closet. He hid there twice, but
on the 3rd time he locked the closet door from the inside and now
he can’t open it. I don’t have the key so he’s stuck. The police
are on their way right now.”

Oh, now that’s a fine how-do-you-do.

With out me saying anything else, she worked her mom magic, “He’s
fine. I’m right here at the door and we’re singing songs waiting
for the police to come.”

“Has he tried to open the door?” I said (dumb question). I could
see my wife’s head in her hands worried sick.

After my mom gave son #4 some instructions (I’m sure for the 10th
time), I could hear him try then he said, “Nope Grandma. I still
can’t get it open.” He didn’t sound worried at all.

There was nothing else I could do, so I told her to call us if she
needed us. We drove in silence for about 15 minutes until I called
my mom back.

“He’s out now. We just got back inside from seeing the policeman’s
car. Everything’s fine. It was probably a good thing it didn’t
happen any later; The President is leaving Salt Lake in about 30
minutes and I don’t know if they would have been available.”

Then I talked with son #4 and asked him if he was scared. “Yeah,
but that’s ok. Grandma sang, ‘Alice, where are you going?’ with
me, and it was ok.”

Fwew. I’m certainly glad it wasn’t rat poison.


Enjoy today’s Jokes!

p.s. Oh, BTW, I figured out how to post a You Tube video on the
web site. Check it out...

p.p.s. Oh, and I forgot to give you an update on my sweet wife’s
bee sting. Her arm puffed up pretty big, and lasted until Sunday.
It started going down after that. “Oh, I’m ok” was all she’d say
when I asked if she needed to go to the Doctor’s, or use her Epi
Pen. I can see her grave stone now... “Oh, I’m ok”

Reader Comment sections


Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was
always very, VERY careful to mark his luggage so that no one would
mistakenly take his bags. He always did this with bright ribbons
and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a
well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel. Mr. Smith
walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied
to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides. "I believe
that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?" he
asked. "Actually," the man replied, "I was wondering who did this
to my luggage."


One of our clients brought in his massive Doberman pinscher to be
spayed. As a veterinary assistant, I escort the patient into the
doctor's office. Before taking this dog's leash, I glimpsed those
large teeth of hers and asked the owner, "Is she friendly?"
"Friendly?" said the man. "Friendly? She's had five litters! How
much 'friendlier' than that can she get?"


Although I knew our commanding officer hated doling out weekend
passes, I thought I had a good reason. "My wife is pregnant and I
want to be with her," I told the C.O. Much to my surprise he said,
"Permission granted." Inspired by my success, a fellow soldier
also requested a weekend pass. His wife wasn't pregnant, so when
the C.O. asked why he should grant him permission, my friend
responded, "My wife is getting pregnant this weekend and I want to
be with her."
The Simpsons vs Star Trek

A dumb little video I thought Brother-in-law #1 would enjoy. (Being a trekkie and a Simpson aficionado)

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

8/29 - Blind Worry Wart

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

One of the things that is beginning to worry my sweet wife and I
is son #4’s bone flap. Or lack thereof. After 6 weeks sitting in
a freezer and 6 more weeks of radiation, some of it is dying
and being absorbed back into the body. He’s getting a larger
and larger section of his skull that’s missing. (We’ll see
the doc about it in October...) My wife and I find ourselves
inadvertently rubbing our hands over his head just to feel
if the bone is losing any more area. The other day he got
a little irritated with the head rubbing.

“Mom” son #4 said
“Yeah?” my sweet wife replied
“Do you worry about me a lot?”
“Yes. We both do.”
“Is that why you rub my head?” he said
“Yup, We’re just checking your bone flap.”
He replied, “I have a solution.”
“What?” my sweet wife replied.
“Stop worrying!” he said.

If it were that simple...

At least it’s not as bad as when there was no bone flap.

And... the rest of the boys started school on Monday. Son #4 goes
to a different district and starts a week later. But today he got
to be ‘interviewed’ by his teacher. Mrs. N is the same teacher he
had last year. When my sweet wife and son #4 walked in the school
and down the hall, son #4 heard Mrs. N talking with another lady.
He ran down to her with his arms wide open saying, “Mrs. N! Mrs.
N!” then he grabbed her around the leg and gave her a great big

Mrs. Newbold said, “Son #4, you’re hugging my friend, I’m right
here.” He looked up and said, “Oh, sorry.” And ran over to his
teacher and gave her a hug.

I guess they’re used to that at the school for the blind...

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment sections

You've probably gotten quite a few e-mails letting you know that
there weren't any jokes to enjoy. I guess the joke's on us! Ha ha!
James in California



Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered
that it had not been one of my wife's better days. Nothing I said
or did seemed to be right. By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I
suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start
all over again. My wife agreed. I went outside, came back in and,
with a big smile, announced, "Honey, I'm home!" "And just where
have you been?" she replied sharply. "It's after seven o'clock!"


Why We Split Up
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up. And I asked how come
I had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she needed the
make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer
was for. I don't think she's coming back.


My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My
ten-year-old niece answered the phone.
"Hello," she whispered.
"Hi, Honey. How's your mother doing?" I asked.
"She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper.
"Did she go to the doctor?" I asked.
"Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly.
"Well, don't wake her. Just tell her I called. What are you
doing, by the way?"
Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my trumpet."

Monday, August 28, 2006

8/28 - Lazy River Ducky Droppings

Monday, August 28, 2006

We had a great weekend! We went to Raging Waters on Saturday for
the Rubber Ducky Derby. Although we didn’t win the car, we had a
lot of fun. The lady who won the car was from Moroni Utah. That’s
one of the little towns I pass through when I go to support my
clinics in central Utah. It’s the turkey producing capital of the
world, and where I buy cheep turkey stuff.

Anyway, again son #4 found what he liked and stuck with it. After
the duckys raced in the lazy river, they opened it up and let
float around in it. Son #4 kept saying he wanted to stay and float
in it. He must have gone around that thing 15 times. Then we drug
him over to the kiddy section, but he didn’t seem to like that
much. He did go in to the wave pool pretty deep, but when the
waves started, he ran to the shallow end and stayed in about a
foot of water. Not one for adventure I’d guess.

At the pool they had a lot of media coverage. A few people said
they saw son #4 waving to the cameras on channel 13, but we missed
it. (Anyone got connections?) I did capture channel 5’s 30 second
story though. I’ve posted it on the web site. Son #4 is the
dancing pirate between seconds 11 and 14. When they dressed him up
as a pirate, they kept trying to put the patch over his good eye,
but he changed it around quickly. (You can also see my sweet wife
just a bit, in a tie dyed shirt.)

Check it out.

And, as promised, quiz answers at the very bottom.

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment sections

Okay, neighbor, what are the answers to the quiz?! Enjoy your blog
immensely-- first time visiting. We were at the Troop meeting this
evening too. The bee thing was horrible. I won't forget the panic
and the pain in their voices for a long time. Quidditch was a
blast and my kids are still sticky from the watermelon. By the
way, son #2 was wonderful in "The Sound of Music".

[So Neighbor, you have me at a disadvantage. Do I know you? Have
we met? How did you find us? Do tell...]

Hi Marty,
I've done some really dumb things in my 20+ years as a baker; the
best being when I was asked to "string ice" a rack of cookies with
chocolate icing. This entailed thinning out the chocolate icing
with water, dipping my five fingers into the icing and basically
flinging the icing over the cookies to make it look like chocolate
strings across the cookies. Anyway, thinning the icing to a proper
consistency was not a job that I did well at that point in my
career. I happened to find a bucket of chocolate icing in the
bakery....and it WAS a MIRACLE; some kind soul had decided to take
pity on me and help me with my job....a bucket of chocolate
icing at the proper "flinging" consistency. The next morning my
boss made a point to compliment me on doing a great job on
finishing the cookies and getting them packaged and onto the sales
floor. Wanting to bask in the glory but feeling guilty because
someone made the icing for me, I explained that I'd found a bucket
of chocolate icing and was just doing my job. 2 hours later my
boss pulled a bucket of chocolate icing from the cooler and asked,
"Is this the chocolate that you used for the cookies?". I admitted
that it was and proceeded to thank the person that helped me by
making my job easier.....It turned out that the chocolate icing
was actually chocolate cake batter. Needless to say, all of the
remaining cookies had to be thrown away and I'm lucky to still
have a job with the same company! Thanks for a great newsletter
and making me laugh.

[Oh, bummer! I was hoping that your stringy icing was actually
axel grease or something!]


I'd just lobbied a Congressman in his Washington, D.C., office
when I stopped to use the rest room. After washing my hands, I
stepped up to the hand dryer and noticed a note pasted to it. The
note said, "Push button for message from Congress."


I was at our town's Onion Festival and saw a guy in bad circus
makeup doing intricate balloon animals. He was twisting something
together when a little girl asked, "What are you making?" Without
looking up he muttered, "Minimum wage."


Please join us in this FLY THE FLAG campaign and PLEASE forward
this email immediately to everyone in your address book asking
them to also forward it. We have a little less than two week and
counting to get the word out all across this great land and into
every community in the United States of America. If you forward
this email to least 11 people and each of those people do the
same...you get the idea.

On Monday, September 11th, 2006, an American flag should be
displayed outside every home, apartment, office, and store in the
United States. Every individual should make it his or her duty to
display an American flag on this fifth anniversary of our
country's worst tragedy. We do this in honor of those who lost
their lives on 9/11, their families, friends and loved ones who
continue to endure the pain, and those who today are fighting
at home and abroad to preserve our cherished freedoms. In the
days, weeks and months following 9/11, our country was bathed in
American flags as citizens mourned the incredible losses and stood
shoulder-to-shoulder against terrorism. Sadly, those flags have
all but disappeared. Our patriotism pulled us through some tough
times and it shouldn't take another attack to galvanize us in
solidarity. Our American flag is the fabric of our country and
together we can prevail over terrorism of all kinds. Action Plan:
So, here's what we need you to do...

(1) Forward this email to everyone you know (at least 11 people).
Take a moment to think back to how you felt on 9/11 and let those
sentiments guide you.

(2) Fly an American flag of any size on 9/11. Honestly, Americans
should fly the flag year-round, but if you don't, then at least
make it a priority on this day.

Thank you for your participation.


Answers to Thursday’s Quiz


1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom? BOTTOM

2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people don't know) 50

3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch? RIGHT

4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label? BLUE, RED,

5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by
them? 1, 0

6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left
leg? RIGHT

7. How many matches are in a standard pack? 20

8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?

9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial? 88

10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?

11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?

12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial? 12 (no #1)

13 On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons? LEFT

14. Which way do fans rotate? CLOCKWISE AS YOU LOOK AT IT

15 How many sides does a stop sign have? 8

16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left
side? LEFT

17 How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel? 5

18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil? 6

19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?

20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package? 8

21 On which playing card is the card maker's trademark? ACE OF

22 On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the
opening between the slats? LEFT

23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols
bear no digits? *, #

24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip? 3

25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise? COUNTER


Son #4 on TV

Thursday, August 24, 2006

8/24 - Sting me back to School!

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Tonight we did the family splits. There was a cub scout pack meeting scheduled the same night as Jr. High back to school night. I opted for the back to school night with sons #1 and #2 and sent my sweet wife to the pack meeting. Some of the classes the older boys are going to sound kind of interesting. In son #1’s geography class, they’re going to be using GPS devices. In biology class they get to dissect sharks and pigs. I ~almost~ had the inkling to go back to Jr. High. Almost. Son #1 went up to a lot of girls and said hi, and he acted like I expected him to. But when two giggly girls ran up to son #2 and said, “HEY THERE’S SON #2!” and gave him a big hug. He looked nervously at me and acted like he didn’t know what to do. He just stood there with that cheesy grin of his. After they left I said, “Hey, it’s ok to hug your friends.” He said, “Oh... ok...” (oops?)

On the other side of the split tonight, son #3 and #4 went to the pack meeting with my sweet wife. A couple of little kids (about 5 and 7 years old) where playing on the hill and must have stepped in a bee hive or something. They came running down the hill with bees chasing them. They got nailed 6 or 7 times each. My sweet wife ran over and started to brush the bees off of the boys. (A pretty brave thing to do, since she’s very allergic to bee stings. I think it started when I raised bees as a Scout fund raiser.) Anyway, my sweet wife has been carrying an Epi-pen for the last couple of years because of it. Unfortunately she locked it in the van in her purse.

So, when got home and heard her epi-pen was still in the van, I got pretty worried. “But,” she said, there IS a difference between bee stings and wasp bites. Apparently she’s allergic to wasps, not bees. Last time she got bit by a wasp her arm blew up within an hour. As I type, it’s now been 2 1/2 hours and she only has
a small red spot where the bee stung her. No excitement tonight.

Knock on wood.

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment sections


A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of
him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him
at the park. As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the
driveway. The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away
and try the same thing. As he was driving back into his driveway,
there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther
away, but the darn cat would always beat him home. At last, he
decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past
the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he
reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he
left the cat there. Hours later, the man calls home to his wife:
"Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you
ask?" Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that lousy cat on the
phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"


Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery,
and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist.
She called his office to demand an explanation. "Is this some kind
of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly. "Well," said Margie,
"that's awfully costly for knocking someone out." "Not at all,"
replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 900 dollars is
for bringing you back around."


Approaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs. Lipkowitz finally
decided it was time to give up her apartment in New York and move
to Miami. She was given the name of a Florida realtor, who
enthusiastically drove her all over Miami, extolling the virtues
of every apartment they looked at. "And this one, what a steal,"
he rhapsodized, "the investment of a lifetime. Why, in ten years
it's gonna be worth three times..." "Sonny," interrupted Mrs.
Lipkowitz, "at my age I don't even buy green bananas."


[Here’s a little quiz for ya... answers on Monday. No cheating! I
got 15 and 5/6ths correct. (Darn Campbell’s soup!) And, when you
get to number 10, I know, I know, it’s an old wives tale. Just
play along.]

The average person only gets 7 correct.
This is based on U.S. info, so use all lobes of your brain. This
can be more difficult than it looks - it just shows how little
most of us really see!

There are 25 questions about things we see every day or have known
about all our lives. How many can you get right? These little
simple questions are harder than you think-- it just shows you how
little we pay attention to the commonplace things of life.

Put your thinking caps on. No cheating! No looking around! No
getting out of your chair! No using anything on or in your desk
or computer!

Can you beat 23?? (The average is 7) Write down your answers as
you go. Check answers (on the bottom), AFTER completing all the

REMEMBER - NO CHEATING!!! BE HONEST!!! That means no looking at
your phone or anything on your desk...

Then, before you pass this on to your friends, change the number
on the subject line to show how many you got correct. Forward to
your friends and also back to the one who sent it to you.

Here we go!

1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?

2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people
don't know)

3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?

4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?

5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by

6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left
leg? (Don't you dare get up to see!)

7. How many matches are in a standard pack?

8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?

9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?

10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?

11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?

12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?

13 On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?

14. Which way do fans rotate?

15 How many sides does a stop sign have?

16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?

17 How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?

18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?

19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?

20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?

21 On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?

22 On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the
opening between the slats?

23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols
bear no digits?

24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?

25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

8/23 - Don't let the summer end, Por Favor!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

At the dinner table tonight the mood was somber. Son #2 is the
first victim in the end of summer ritual known as school. He has a
half day orientation at his new school tomorrow, and then the real
deal starts on Monday. But he’ll get out a half day early at the
beginning of next summer.

As we were eating I asked Son #1, “Who do you have for Spanish
this year?”

“Same as last year, Mrs. Nielsen”, he replied.

Son #4 interrupted, “How do you say ‘water’ in Spanish?”

Son #1 and I in unison said, “agua”

Son #4 said, “Agua before before”

“Huh?” we said.

He replied, “before before is how you say ‘thank you in Spanish’”

Hmm... I think he meant “Por Favor”

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Hey, anyone using Skype? It’s kinda like Vonage, but it’s PC
based, and it’s free. Anyone want to skype me? ( mr.martyman )

Reader Comment section

Even though I'm not from the South, I really enjoyed the
"Southernisms"! Apparently a lot of them have drifted over the
years to the wild west, because I understood every one of them.
Thank y'all.
James in California

[But... California isn’t really the ‘west’ is it? The west stops
at the Nevada/California border, then it’s... just... California.
I guess here we just kind of think of California as... the left
coast. (hehehe)]


Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent
you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the
snooze button.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and
bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Remember to use a timer.

5. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a
cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage
will be almost instantly removed.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, after
which you'll be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you
will forget all about that toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life
really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it
doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and
does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
~Clay G.


A waitress became violently ill while at work and was rushed by
ambulance to the emergency room. In typical hospital fashion, she
was placed on an examining table and then all but ignored for the
next half-hour. Finally, she noticed a doctor out in the hall and
yelled, "Please help me!" "Sorry," he replied, "it's not my


Our supervisor recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane
of hair. He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut,
which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a
younger man seem more mature. "How would a haircut make a middle-
aged man like me appear?" I asked. "Still employed," he answered.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

8/22 - 3 dumb things

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Ok, here is a bit of self deprecating humor;

I did something dumb. Last Friday the Scouts went on an overnight
campout. I got off work a little early and the Scouts headed into
the mountains. We had a nice little camp site, and as boys always
do, they burned an inordinate amount of firewood.

The next day I was cleaning the tent and packing stuff in the van.
I emptied the tent, picked it up and shook out the dirt. (It’s the
two man dome tent we won selling Scout-o-Rama tickets two years

Anyway, I took out the tent poles, lay in nicely on the ground,
and rolled it up. I stuffed it in the bag, and headed over to put
it in ‘the tank’ . As I reached for the handle, I got a good
reflection in the window of my beautiful morning-after-campout
face. Man, I thought... “You need a shave and look at that hair.
It’s truly campout hair. And you also need... wait, where are your
glasses Marty? They aren’t on your head... Oh NO! They’re still in
the tent!!” I had put them on the string at the very top of the
tent the night before, and forgot them. As I unrolled the tent and
pulled them out, it was like they were rolled up around a
football. Not broken, but badly bent. I spent the next 10 minutes
getting them to look like they had hours before. They’ll survive.

Now, contrast that with tonight’s stupid move. The family was
scheduled to go camping at Cherry Hill tonight, and then go to
their swimming park tomorrow. (This is from the amusement park
pass we got from Give Kids the World in Florida.) I had my sweet
wife call to see if they had showers and flush toilets at the
campground. She found out that today was the last summer weekday
that they are open. They’re closed (except for weekends) for the
season. So, no camping and no day off of work tomorrow. Bummer.

And one last dumb move; with no camping and swimming to go to
tomorrow, we decided to go to the stake farm and help out, then go
and see ‘Over the Hedge’ at the dollar theater. Since we came
straight from the stake farm, we didn’t have time to make popcorn
for the movie. So, I decided to splurge and got the big popcorn
and two large drinks for all of us. The total came to $12.50 So, I
handed the cashier a twenty and 3 singles, for a total of $23.
(You see where this is going don’t you?) She grabbed the money,
looked at it, and snidely said while handing me back $3, “It’s
only $12.50. Here.” I said, “Why don’t you take the $3 and give me
$10.50 back in change. She looked at the $3 and said, “oh.” And
then gave me my $10.50 in change. (I thought about being mean and
taking the $3, setting it on the counter, getting my $7.50 back,
then handing her the five and 5 ones, and then asking for a ten
dollar bill, but the movie was starting and I was late. I guess
they don’t hire the sharpest knives in the block to work at the
dollar theater.

Ok, so of the 3 dumb things that were done, which were the
‘dumbest’ of them all? [He said realizing he had a 67% change of
being honored with the dumbest thing award.]

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

p.s. There are only a couple of days left before the ducky derby
on Saturday. Be sure to support the Make-a-Wish foundation of Utah
by buying a ducky and your chance to win a car! See;
http://www.acteva.com/booking.cfm?bevaid=109558 Tell them it’s for
son #4 at martysjotd.blogspot.com

Good luck!

Reader Comment sections

Lesson learned:
When you made this statement "Anyway, I get sick on rides. Not
just sick, really sick" I knew I had to speak up! You are NOT

It's been years since I've been to an amusement park, and the last
time I went, I got sick on one ride..it flipped sideways around
while going around, if that makes sense. I got reallllly sick.
Now the roller coaster going upsidedown didn't bother me or
anything else..but that one did. So jump to present day, being
56yrs.old.. I go to the County Fair, taking Dramamine with me, in
my pocket. WE take in the exhibits, the Demolition Derby and
then..oh yeah..then right before leaving, I decide that we should
ride a couple rides. The first was iffy, it was where you stand
and the pad behind you takes you up and down the wall, gravity
holds you there, while it spins fast. I feel pretty decent when
I get off that one and see one where all it does is go round and
round, pretty fast.. now that's allllllll very innocent, right?
And that's all there was to it.. except it does go forward then
reverse.. So we get on it and then it strikes.. Oh yeah..........
debi gets SICK.....reallllllll sick...... could have hurled, which
someone promptly did, and of course that got all over our
legs........and oh boy, did I almost lost it then for sure. But I
kept it in..and was sooooooo sick, came directly home and went to
bed. I was sick for over 2 hrs, before it relented. Do you think
I'll take Dramamine the next time.........OH YEAH, Lesson
learned.. this ole gal is not as young as she used to be!!!!
~debi s.~


A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a
mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was
involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently,
learning all she could. When time for the practical exam
approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the
exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was
surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an
error, she called the instructor, saying 'I don't want to appear
ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if
there had been an error which needed adjusting.' The instructor
said, 'During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back
together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I
gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the
~Krystal B.


A pastor of a two-church parish near Austin, Texas had to drive
every Sunday morning about 4 miles from the 9:30 service at one
church to the 11 o'clock at the other. He would often find the
parking lot of the second church full, and be forced to park down
the road and race to the church on foot. The problem was finally
solved when he selected a parking spot near the side door of the
church and posted a sign that read, "You Park – You Preach."


A young Texas couple came into the church office to fill out a
pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never
talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried
to put him at ease. When they came to the question, "Are you
entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long
pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man
and said, "Put down yes."
~Ruby C.


Verified by snopes at

This one is pretty slick since they provide YOU with all the
information, except the one piece they want. Note; the callers do
not ask for your card number; they already have it. This
information is worth reading. By understanding how the VISA &
MasterCard Telephone Credit Card Scam works, you'


Be prepared to protect yourself.

One of our employees was called on Wednesday from "VISA", and
another was called on Thursday from "MasterCard". The scam works
like this: Person calling says, "This is (name), and I'm calling
from the Security and Fraud Department at VISA. My Badge number is
12460. Your card has been flagged for an unusual purchase pattern,
and I'm calling to verify. This would be on your VISA card which
was issued by (name of bank). Did you purchase an Anti-
Telemarketing Device for $497.99 from a Marketing company based in

When you say "No", the caller continues with, "Then we will be
issuing a credit to your account. This is a company we have been
watching and the charges range from $297 to $497, just under the
$500 purchase pattern that flags most cards. Before your next
statement, the credit will be sent to (gives you your address), is
that correct?"

You say "yes". The caller continues - "I will be starting a Fraud
investigation. If you have any questions, you should call the 1-
800 number listed on the back of your card (1-800-VISA) and ask
for Security. You will need to refer to this Control Number. The
caller then gives you a 6 digit number. "Do you need me to read it

Here's the IMPORTANT part on how the scam works. The caller then
says, "I need to verify you are in possession of your card".
He/She will ask you to "turn your card over and look for some

There are 7 numbers; the first 4 are part of your card number, the
next 3 are the security numbers that verify you are the possessor
of the card. These are the numbers you sometimes use to make
Internet purchases to prove you have the card.

The caller will ask you to read the 3 numbers to him. After you
tell the caller the 3 numbers he/she will say, "That is correct, I
just needed to verify that the card has not been lost or stolen,
and that you still have your card. Do you have any other
questions?" After you say No, the caller then thanks you and
states, "Don't hesitate to call back if you do", and hangs up.

You actually say very little, and they never ask for or tell you
the Card number. But after we were called on Wednesday, we called
back within 20 minutes to ask a question. Are we glad we did! The
REAL VISA Security Department told us it was a scam and in the
last 15 minutes a new purchase of $497.99 was charged to our card.
Long story short - we made a real fraud report and closed the
VISA account. VISA is reissuing us a new number. What the scammers
want is the 3-digit PIN number on the back of the card. Don't
give it to them. Instead, tell them you'll call VISA or Master
card directly for verification of their conversation.

The real VISA told us that they will never ask for anything on
the card as they already know the information since they issued
the card! If you give the scammers your 3 Digit PIN Number, you
think you're receiving a credit. However, by the time you get
your statement you'll see charges for purchases you didn't make,
and by then it's almost too late and/or more difficult to
actually file a fraud report. What makes this more remarkable is
that on Thursday, I got a call from a "Jason Richardson of
MasterCard" with a word-for-word repeat of the VISA scam. This
time I didn't let him finish. I hung up! We filed a police report,
as instructed by VISA The police said they are taking
several of these reports daily! They also urged us to tell
everybody we know that this scam is happening. Please pass this on
to all your family and friends. By informing each other, we
protect each other.
~#1 Mom

Monday, August 21, 2006

8/11 - Christmas Roller Coaster Nausea

Monday, August 21, 2006

Just a quick anecdote today; it’s late, and I’m pooped! I went
straight from work to Lagoon to meet
the family tonight. When we went to Florida for son #4’s Make-a-
wish trip, they gave us a passport to over 300 parks nationwide
that we can go to once eac for the next 12 months. A few weeks ago
we went to Lagoon free, and today the family went on a ‘bounce
back’ pass.

Anyway, I get sick on rides. Not just sick, really sick. So, today
as I was leaving the clinic I ask the pharmacist what I should
take to help out. He said, “Meclizine.” I bought it and took the
bigger dose. It did what it was supposed to do; It helped the
nausea, but it didn’t do much for the enjoyment of the roller
coasters. But, I guess it made them more... tolerable.

At one point the 3 older boys and I we were on a big ride, and my
sweet wife and son #4 were waiting for the kiddy airplanes. She
said she was just minding her own business looking around. All of
a sudden son #4 sang out at the top of his lungs, “Mary did you
know, that your baby boy was born in Beverly Hills?... C’mon,
mom, sing it with me!” No one said anything, and obviously he’s got a couple different songs mixed together... But...

It could have been worse.

Enjoy today’s Jokes!


[Heya Marty- I really like this joke, it makes me smile every time
I see it, so I thought I'd share it with you. Keep up the fine
jokes and anecdotes! Shannon]

My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three. When
he was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed.
Wanting to find out what was the matter, his mother asked, "Chris,
what happened today to upset you so much?" He answered, "It's not
fair -- I'm not allowed to go to the library." His mother became
very concerned and asked, "Why aren't you allowed to go to the
library?" With a tearful reply he said, "Because, in order to go
to the library you have to have supervision, and I wear glasses."

[This took me a second, but I got it... Marty]


I'm a middle school band teacher, and I match students to
instruments by testing them on various mouthpieces. While most
children demonstrate aptitude on more than a single instrument,
there was one boy who was having difficulty on every one he tried,
and he was becoming disheartened. Finally, he found success on a
tuba mouthpiece. He was so happy that he asked to call his mother.
"Mom, guess what!" I overheard him exclaim. "I tested positive for


Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a
conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip
greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general
direction of "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is,... as in:
"Going to town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request
for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty
little bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not
use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of
solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried
chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's
trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right
near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the
road" can be 1 mile or 20.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the
flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or
an adverb.

In the South, y'all is singular.... all y'all is plural

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and
coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a
breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you
know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our
tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little
old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless
her heart"... and go your own way.

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding
all this Southern stuff ... bless your hearts, I hear they are
fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!

And for those who are not from the South but have lived here for a
long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch
that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I

Bless your hearts ... y'all have a blessed day.

~Ruby C.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

8/16 - Freon Chicken

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

“What’s for dinner honey?”

“I was thinking about making chicken parmesan.”

“Oh, too bad, I was thinking of doing some chicken on the BBQ

“Cool, I’d rather have you cook anyway. But, you’ll have to go down to the freezer and get some chicken.”

I did, but I hadn’t been in the freezer for awhile. I almost had a
hard time opening the door because it was so full of ice. “Uh oh”
I thought, time to defrost.”

But, I was supposed to cook the chicken, what was I to do?

Ahh... that’s what boys are for! I asked son #2 if he’d BBQ our
chicken while son #3 and I hacked at the ice and used blow dryers
to melt the ice. Son #2 was a little hesitant, but agreed.

Everything was a great hit. The freezer got done and the chicken was wonderful. Hmm... sometimes these boys really are helpful... I didn’t even puncture any freon tubes. That I know of.

Not mine.
[Do you know how few iced freezer pictures there are on the internet? Not many]

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment sections

"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky.

"Mmm hmm." replied Dave.

"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Oh Dave," gushed Becky, "You say the most beautiful things!"


Our Marine unit was being transferred to the Navy ship USS
Princeton, off the coast of Vietnam. The squadron embarkation
officer and I had just stepped off a helicopter onto the deck of
the vessel to supervise the move. Men in uniform were busy
everywhere, helping to get us settled into our new quarters. In
the middle of all this activity stood a large, unattended safe.
Soon the young Marine who had been assigned to guard it appeared.
"Don't you know you're not to let this safe out of your sight?"
snapped the embarkation officer. "Yes, sir," the Marine answered.
"But I figured if anyone could rip the door off this safe or carry
it away, I sure wasn't going to mess with him."
~Wanda D.


A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read,
"Big Lobster Tales, $5 each."

Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the
waitress, "Five dollars each for lobster tails -- is that

"Yes," she said. "It's our special just for today."

"Well," he said, "they must be little lobster tails."

"No," she replied, "it's the really big lobster."

"Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails -- and a
little bit tough?"

"No," she said, "it's the really big red lobster."

"Big red lobster tails, $5 each?" he said, amazed. "They
must be old lobster tails!"

"No, they're definitely today's."

"Today's big red lobster tails -- $5 each?" he repeated,

"Yes," she insisted.

"Well, here's my five dollars," he said. "I'll take one."

She took the money and led him to a table where she invited
him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand
on his shoulder, leaned over close to him, and said, "Once
upon a time there was a really big red lobster..."
~debi s.~

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

8/15 - Bad Blind Horse!

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Not much going on tonight. Except; my sweet wife was cleaning the
kitchen when I got home from Boy Scouts tonight. When I went to my
room to put my Scout shirt away, I got a bit of a surprise.

First, you all know that son #4 is “legally” blind. Well,
“legally” is actually just a degree of blindness. Being totally
blind is, well, pretty self explanatory. Legally blind is 20/200
or worse. Son #4 is totally blind in one eye, but he’s got 20/200
in the other. And, he can get around pretty good. But, when he
tries to get a good look at pictures, words on a paper, or play a
hand-held video game, he puts things about 2 inches from his good
eye to see them well enough.

In our bedroom, we have a 13” color TV on a wall mount bracket. If
he stands on the edge of the bed, he can get within a foot or so
of the screen. When he’s really interested in a show, he stands
there and watches it that way.

When I walked in tonight, he was watching the Discovery Channel.
Safe, right? Not always. I looked up and saw that it was an
episode of “Dirty Jobs”. This guy goes around the country and
shows people what actual dirty jobs people do. He cleans out sewer
machinery, some gross farm jobs, works with Hippo keepers, etc. It
can be pretty interesting, but, tonight I guess he was at a horse
barn. When I looked up at the TV they were helping a stud horse do
what stud horses do. Part of the screen was blurred out. Gag...
Not something I want my blind 5 year old to watch.

“What are you watching!?” I said.
“Dirty Jobs dad...”
As I turned off the TV I said, “Um, not something you should be
watching tonight I think.”
“Ok” and he ran off to play with his planes.

Sheez, I got enough worries with keeping tumors out of his head,
much less dealing with things like this. Wow, do you have to watch
your kids every single solitary micro second of their life? And,
for as little TV as my boys watch, I thought the Discovery Channel
might be ok. They could have put a TV-14 show on a little later
than 8PM. *sigh*

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment sections

I'm an RCA for the post office... part time rural mail carrier.
When I got to work one day, there was a box on my desk, much like
you described for your Dad's remains. It takes you by surprise
to realize that you have some one's remains and while I wasn't
freaked out, it was a really different sort of experience, and you
want to handle the box with respect. I was glad that the
delivery point was early in my route.
~Linda B.

[And, oops, I’m a bit late with this comment. This comment was
made after the issue on Aug 1st.]

I work as a Foster Grandparent in a middle school. I hear a lot of
forbidden words throughout the day. Being a non-cusser it really
grates of my nerves. I didn't know it could also be contagious. I
ride a handicapped van to and from the school, if you don't come
out in 5 minuets the van will leave so I am always ready and
waiting at the appointed time. One day I got involved with a boy I
was helping and did not notice the time. One of the students
suddenly yelled out "Grandma your bus is outside waiting for you."
I looked out the window and sure enough there it was. Without
thought I responded, "Oh, Sh...T ! ! The whole class exploded.
I was just as stunned as they were, I NEVER say that. They still
tease me about it, But strange as it sounds they never cuss in
front of me now. They don't want to be a bad influence on Grandma.
~Wanda D.

A young woman was worried about her stress-related habit of biting
her fingernails down to the quick, so her friend advised her to
take up yoga. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing
normally. Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her
nervousness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toenails
so I bite them instead."



Aboard the USS TARAWA for six months, my brother Don posted a
picture of his beloved truck in his locker. Since his fellow
Marines had pictures of their girlfriends posted, they often
ridiculed him for his object of adoration. "Laugh all you want,"
Don told them, "At least my truck will still be there when I get


There was a young college girl that was about to finish her senior
year of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal
Democrat and was always at odds with her conservative Republican
father. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs
and his opposition to a large benevolent government, and tax
equalization, etc. He stopped her and asked her how she was doing
in school. She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really
tough. She had to study all the time, never had time to go out and
party and often went sleepless because all of the studying. She
didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many
college friends because of all her studying. He then asked how her
friend Mary, that was attending the same college, was doing. She
replied that she was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA, never
studied, was very popular on campus and was at parties all the
time. She often wouldn't show up for classes because she was hung
over. He then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's
office and ask why she couldn't take 1.0 off her 4.0 and give it
to her friend that only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a
3.0 GPA. She fired back and said, "That wouldn't be fair, I
worked really hard for mine and Mary has done nothing!" After a
moment of silence, she replied, "Dad, quit trying to change the

Monday, August 14, 2006

8/14 - Ashes to Postage

Monday, August 14, 2006

On Friday I got a call at work.
“Hello” I said
“What’s up”
“Not much, just putting up with the boys. Son #4 has asked me 4
times to put his bike helmet on and to help him get to the
neighbors so he can play with his friend B.”
“That sounds like fun”
“Anything else exciting happen?”
“Oh yeah, your dad came in the mail today.”

Then I remembered. Dad donated himself to the University when he
. They teach the University students, and send the ashes when
they’re done. But, it’s just a little weird to have dad around in
powdered form, so I sent my brother and sister an email asking who
wanted to host dad first. My brother said, “We’ll take him. But,
let me ask my wife first.” Hmm... that was 4 days ago.

My sister said, “Well, the last trip he took was down to Texas,
but we’ll take him if our brother doesn’t want him.”

I wonder what the postal regulations are. When my sweet wife
picked him up, the package had big red letters on all 6 sides of
the package; “HUMAN REMAINS”. She said she was a little
embarrassed walking out of the post office with him. Wow, the
things a sweet wife will do for you...

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment sections

>I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the
>computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons
>and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service
>call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was
>wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to
>appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error?
>What's that, in case I need to fix it again?" Harold grinned....
>"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I
>replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it
>out." So I wrote down. I D 1 0 T
>I used to like Harold

>[We actually use that one sometimes, but never in front of
>customers. I also sometimes use the ol' Chair-keyboard-interface

At a computer job I had several years ago, we would say it was an
"I/O" problem... not input/output, but idiot operator...
~Justin H.


A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a
trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking
about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without
electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a
car. "If we decided to live there permanently, away from
civilization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife.
She replied, "You."


A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them
unwilling to admit they might be in error. "I'll admit I'm wrong,"
the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll
admit I'm right." He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go
first. "I'm wrong," she said. With a twinkle in his eye, he
responded, "You're right!"


While taking down the vitals for a soon-to-be mom, I asked how
much she weighed. "I really don't know," she said. "Well, more or
less," I prompted. "More, I guess," she answered sadly.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

8/10 - New Blog for Sale

Thursday, August 10, 2006

“Dija see the post-it note on the house as you came in?” My sweet
wife said to me after I got home from (stupid) traffic school.
“No, where was it?” I said.
“I took it off” said son #3.
“What’s going on?” I replied.

Apparently son #4 wanted to sell the house because our sidewalk
turned to go to the driveway, instead of going straight out to the
street. He also didn’t like the fact that our doorbell is out of
order. Son #3 had a different view. He kinda likes the house we
live in, and thought that if there was a for sale ‘sign’ on the
house, someone would drive by and buy it, and then we wouldn’t
have a place to live. Of course, a huge argument ensued between

*sigh* My boys will fight over just about anything...

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

p.s. Oh yeah... and it seems we have a little competition over at
Marty’s Joke of the Day. My sweet wife sheepishly told me a week
or so ago that she has been doing her own blog for the past couple
of months. She said she’ll put it on a ‘real’ blog site when she
gets good. I happen to think she’s good now, tell me what you
think. (But she does like a good cliff hanger!) Check it out at
by starting here.

A Mother's Perspective

p.p.s. Hey, it's our 350th issue here at martysjotd.blogspot.com,
and, we hit our 22,222 visitor today!


Jim Kevin, a good friend of mine just returned from traveling
around the USA for a year. He had a lot of stories to tell, but
this was my favorite. It seems he was looking for a bank and
stopped to ask directions. The man he asked replied "Just drive
down this road about 5 miles and then turn left at the Stop n
Go." He drove 5 miles, then 6, then 7. At about 10 miles down he
stopped for directions again. The man he asked replied, "Just go
back down this road about 5 miles and turn right at the Stop n
Go" He headed out again but still had no luck. When he got back
to where he had started he stopped again. When he asked for
directions the answer was exactly the same. This time Jim asked,
"Could you describe the Stop n Go for me?" The man gave him a
funny look and slowly said "It's on a pole. It's got a red light
on the top, a Green light on the bottom...."


My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever
happens, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV and
threw out all of my beer!


Did I read that sign correctly?


In a Laundromat:

In a London department store:

In an office:

In an office:

Outside a secondhand shop:

Notice in health food shop window:

Spotted in a safari park:

Seen during a conference:

Notice in a farmer's field:

Message on a leaflet:

On a repair shop door:
~Kenley B.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

8/9 - Can you Prophet digging dirt?

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

In ancient times, God spoke to his Prophets. In the Old Testament
there were Prophets like Isaiah and Daniel. Most Christians and
Jews believe this. In the New Testament there were Prophets and
Apostles like Peter, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. Most
Christians believe this. Let me take you just one itty bitty step
further. Our Church believes in living, modern day Prophets and
Apostles. If God needed to speak to his people back then, then why
not now? Especially now...

But, rather than get into a huge theological discussion about
Prophets, (I know what I believe, I just don’t teach it too
well...) suffice it to say that we believe in a modern day

Our Prophet is Gordon B. Hinckley. He’s somewhat of a charming
and spry fellow, and an extremely hard worker. At 96 years old, he
still travels the world and does God’s work. He’s an amazing man.

Anyway, back to today’s issue;

On Saturday there was a temple ground breaking ceremony in the
Salt Lake Valley. Our family went and watched via video link up in
one of the nearby chapels. When the 96 year old Prophet and his
two councilors (ages 78 and 86) got up to shovel the ceremonial
ground breaking dirt, they all got a shovel full of dirt and
turned it over. But, our prophet got another. Then yet another.
Then he started digging a hole and making a pile next to it. He
dug 7 or 8 shovels full.

Because he’s such a go getter and at 96, people thought it kind of
funny to see him digging a hole, and there were a few chuckles
around the chapel. Son #4 said to me, “Dad, why is everyone
laughing?” I said, “Because the Prophet is digging a LOT of dirt.
He must really want to get this temple built.” He said, “Oh” and
went on watching.

After the meeting, we decided to go to where the actual ground
breaking ceremony was. When we got there the shovels were still
in the dirt, and people were taking pictures of themselves. I told
the boys, “Everyone can get a shovel and turn one shovel of dirt.”
So we all did, and stuck our shovels back in the dirt. But, son #4
kept digging. He dug 3 or 4 shovels full. There were a lot of
people around, so I said nervously, “C’mon son #4. Let someone
else have a turn.” He looked up at me and said, “But I want to dig
like a Prophet!”

So I let him.

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

p.s. We ended up with a little bag of ground breaking dirt. If
anyone wants just a wee bit, let me know and I’ll mail you a some.

Reader Comment sections

Ahhhhh contrare' mi amigo, I miss your issues every time, but
figure you had a good reason not to send one out. And what better
reason than "family night".. this world would be a better place if
more families took at least one night out a week and spent it with
their families.. kudos to you.
debi s.


Phase 10, Phase 10... sniff. I'm now a Phase 10 widow. Tell your
sweet wife to enjoy the game, cause if you don't you'll end up
like me at all the parties. Hey speaking of activities with the
family, I once became a geo-caching widow thanks to MJOTD. Have
you been doing any geo-caching? My husband takes the kids and
neighborhood teens and everyone really enjoys it. -Anita in
Saratoga Springs.

[Ever since I suffered that grade III double ankle sprain while
Geocaching in St. George
during the summer of 2003
I haven’t done too much caching. But, I’m starting to get
the itch again. I started to look at new GPS’s with mapping
software a few weeks ago. I guess I’m just a gadget guy at


As the lone female in our house, I find that certain male habits
have really begun to get on my nerves. One day, I emerged from the
bathroom completely exasperated when I bumped into my husband.
"What is it with guys that they won't replace the toilet paper?!"
I raged. "I know," he said, nodding in agreement. "I noticed
that when I was in there earlier."

[And...??? I don’t get this joke...]


"Do you know what week this is in our public schools? I'm not
making this up: this week is "national no name calling week". They
don't want any name calling in public schools. What stupid dork
came up with this idea?" --Jay Leno


Using a new painting program on my computer, I managed to come up
with a very credible still life of fruit. I made a color printout
and sent it to my daughter, a graphic designer. She called when it
arrived. "Isn't it good?" I asked. She chuckled, and in a tone
that echoed mine from years ago, replied, "Mom, it's beautiful. We
put it on the refrigerator."

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

8/8 - Biker Babes

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

It got a little late last night when we got home. We were at my
mom’s house were playing games for family night. My sweet wife, my
mom and I all played a card game I got for my birthday called
Phase 10. Of course I won, so being late didn’t matter as much.
Until we got home and it was too late to write an issue. But, I
think only my friend the “Harry Potter Lady” at work noticed. No
one else bothered to comment. So, I think I’m safe.

I have a friend who lives just the other side of Justin’s parents.
As a matter of fact, I went to high school with him, lo those many
many years ago. And he’s one of the nicest guys I know. Anyway,
he’s one of those ‘must have’ friends that make life so much
easier. (Make sure you have to have a computer guy friend too!)
Anyway, Jeff’s an auto mechanic. He and his family have literally
been fixing my cars since before I graduated high school.

Anyway, son #4 loves to go over and ask Jeff what he’s working on.
When he moves his boats or cars or anything else, son #4 runs over
and asks to help. Jeff really likes son #4 too. He lets him do
‘stuff’ for him, like move little things, get tools, etc. They
also have great conversations.

A few weeks ago Jeff showed me that he had bought his first motor
cycle. He’s been to Sturgis South Dakota for the last couple of
years and planned on going this year. But this was the first year
that he had a motor cycle, and I could tell he was excited.

This weekend he was loading it on a trailer son #4 ran up and
said, “What’cha doing Jeff?”
“Oh, I’m load’n up my motor cycle and heading to Sturgis.”
“Wow, that sounds fun. Can I go?”
“Sure. You can go and we’ll have lots of fun. But, you gotta ask
your dad first.”
Son #4’s eyes went from pure excitement to complete dejected
disappointment. He hung he shoulders, dropped his head down, put a
big frown on his face, “Oh, never mind...” and walked off.

I guess he knew his dad had heard of the 5-year-old tot-biker-
babes and figured I wouldn’t let him go.

Wise choice.

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Hey, you might have missed it, but the same hospital that son #4 was in with his tumor last year, separated conjoined twins last night. It was the first operation where the twins shared a kidney.

More here;
“Twins tucked into separate beds for first time - First of kind
reconstructive surgery completed on 4-year-old Utah girls”


I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the
computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and
solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear
stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that
. in case I need to fix it again?" Harold grinned.... "Haven't
you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down. I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold

[We actually use that one sometimes, but never in front of
customers. I also sometimes use the ol’ Chair-keyboard-interface


Just a few weeks after taking a job as a security guard, my
husband announced that he had been fired. He explained that he'd
fallen asleep at this desk and someone broke into the building.
"But you're such a light sleeper," I said. "I'm surprised the
sound of the guy breaking in didn't wake you up." "I didn't get
fired for falling asleep," he confessed, "I was fired for wearing
my earplugs.


A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and
said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept
walking. Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in
the car with me and I'll give you two lollypops." She kept her
eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said "Get
in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!"
Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the
Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"


Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:
"Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the
fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He
eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:
"Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.
Caution... They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want
the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun
rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises
in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said,
"Oh, I don't keep u p with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One
day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call
center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24
hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or
Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh,
Pacific" . .
They Walk Among Us!!!


My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down
in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because
the car was moving". .
They Walk Amoung Us!!!!


My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut
through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the
They Walk Among Us!!!!!


My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases
were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.
The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!


I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose
ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't
the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained
that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no
matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went
to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags
never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she
was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she
asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!


While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small
pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he
would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for
some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't
think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!

~submitted by my #1 mom

Thursday, August 03, 2006

8/3 - Wheely Farm Machines

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Just a quick little story tonight. After traveling all day to
Manti and back, it was time for our company summer party. (It’s
been a long day.) I was running late, so I met my sweet wife and
the boys at the party. It was at the same place it’s been for the
last several years, Wheeler Farm.

Anyway, when my told son #4 that we were going to Wheeler Farm,
she said he kept calling in Farm Wheels.

At least he didn’t swear about it... (No, actually he’s 99.9%

Enjoy today’s Jokes!


A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for
some free professional advice. "What kind of toy would you suggest
giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked. "First I'd
have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged.
The woman took a deep breath. "He's very bright and quick-witted
and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good
coordination, expresses himself very well..." "Oh, I see," the
psychologist said, "It's YOUR child!"


While touring the University with some college-bound friends, I
saw an advertisement that summed up the pre-college anxieties we
were all feeling. Posted in a campus restaurant was this sign for
a credit-card company: "Accepted at more colleges than you were."


One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers
"what it means to be British?" Some of the emails are hilarious
but this is one from a chap in Switzerland.

"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub
for a Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry
or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and
watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing
of all? "Suspicion of anything foreign."

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

8/2 - Raiding of the Pizza Jar

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Gotta make this a quick issue tonight. I need to leave early for
work tomorrow, and drive to Manti for my rural east clinic visits.
It looks like they may be putting another clinic in my area down
there, so I’ve got a meeting at 10AM... *yawn* I think I need a

Tonight my sweet wife went to a Relief Society dinner. It was an
auction of sorts, where they auctioned off acts of service for
‘points’ they earned for doing good deeds. (IE: There’s a sheet
you fill out and you get points for some of the following; if
you’ve planted a vegetable this summer. If you’ve been camping
this summer. If you did 7 or more loads of laundry in the last
week. If you’ve tended children other than your children or
grandchildren this week. If you’ve read a book to a child this
week, Etc. etc.) There’s a whole list of things to get points for,
and then you bid on things others brought, made, or service they
will do. My sweet wife brought one of her cool paintings, and she
won ‘one loaf of home baked bread each week in September’ and a
cooked enchilada dinner brought to your home. Yum!

Anyway, as she was leaving for the auction, she told me where the
burgers were. (I think she thought I was going to cook tonight.) I
sat the boys down and asked what they wanted. We ended up raiding
the fart jar, and ordered pizza. It wasn’t near as what my sweet
wife feeds us, but it got us by...

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment sections

Marty, I have the same problem with my 12 year old daughter in
regards to saying "crap". It is amazing to me how much swearing
goes on in middle school, and what really shocks me is how they
change the middle letters in some of these words and think it's
okay to say them because they aren't the swear words but you know
they are and the kids know they are. I get on her about "crap" but
the few times she's slipped and said the Lord's name in vain, I
get really upset because that's not allowed in my house and she
used not to do it at all until she hit middle school. I cannot
understand why kids think it's cool to do that, but then, I am
sure I did things my folks thought were bad too. Keep up the jokes
and stories. I wish I could slow the growing up a bit, mine are
getting too big too fast and I cannot stand it. :)
Where is the little girl I carried? ...
Shannon in Nevada

[Yeah, and how come they didn’t have liquid soap when I started my
cuss’n era??]


When I worked for the security department of a large retail store,
my duties included responding to fire and burglar alarms. A side
door of the building was wired with a security alarm, because it
was not supposed to be used by customers. Nevertheless they found
the convenience of the exit tempting. Even a sign with large red
letters, warning "Alarm will sound if opened," failed to deter
people from using it. One day, after attending to a number of
shrieking alarms, I placed a small handmade sign on the door that
totally eliminated the problem: "Wet paint."


"Here is an odd story. A dentist in Britain has been banned from
practicing dentistry after she allowed her unlicensed and
untrained boyfriend to perform dental work on patients. How
amazing is that? They have dentists in Britain? Who knew?"
~Jay Leno


A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar. The man
raises his glass and says, "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten
minutes before the devil knows you're dead!" "What's that mean?"
asks the girl. "That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish
toast." "Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon." "Bread,
eggs and cinnamon? What's that?" The girl says, "That's French

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

8/1 - I swear!

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Wow, is it August already? Where did the summer go? I heard on the
radio that in Georgia, kids are already starting school. I also
hear that in Utah, with the graduated driver license, kids can get
their learner’s permit at 15, instead of 15 and a half.

So, tonight I reminded son #1 that he had just 6 months to get his
Eagle Scout. He wasn’t too happy, but let’s see if that motivates
him or not.

Reader Kathy writes about yesterday’s “crab vs. crap” language;
>I think the real question here is where did your wife think that
son #4 might have learned such a word?

Oh, I know where he learned it... He has 3 older brothers! He even
let loose with that one while we were coming back from his make a
wish trip.

It’s been a challenge to get my boys not to say that word. It’s
been a problem for a long long time.

I don’t think I’ve ever had a boy who will test the waters as much
as son #4 does when it comes to swearing. Especially at his age.
Last night my sweet wife said, “Son #4 learned a new word.” And
without pause, and with a sincere innocent tone he said, “Yeah
dad, I heard ‘damn it’ on one of son #1’s video games, so I said
‘damn it’ to mom. But she got mad and told me those were bad
words, so I don’t say ‘damn it’ anymore.”

(Son #1 slunk down in his chair, rolled his eyes and said, “Ok,
I’ll take that game out too, and won’t play it...)

Arrgg... I have washed son #4’s mouth out with soap before (just
like my #1 mom used to do with me) when he cussed, and I told him
that if I ever heard him say that again, I would wash his mouth
out with soap again.

But, it was a little hard to say it with a straight face with 3
boys and a sweet wife giggling in the background.

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment sections

I've seen Pirates of the Caribbean twice, when it first came out
(the midnight showing) and again later with my friend. I loved
it! And I guess they were hard to understand, especially that one
lady who lived upriver and gave Jack the jar of dirt, but she did
say, in the end, that there was a way to save Jack. It had
something to do with sailing to the end of the earth and she then
said the group would need a captain who "already knew those
waters" and that's when captain Balbosa (who died in the first
movie) appeared. So that's how they are going to save Jack and
that's why the movie is "ripe for a sequel" which is coming out
next year on memorial day (so i heard).
huge fan of Orlando Bloom

In the end (after about ten minutes of waiting through the
credits), all it shows is te cannibal people ( the ones who almost
eat Jack) crowning the dog their king.
Megan, again


I should have known that trouble was brewing at our auto company
when my supervisor posted this urgent memo: "We have not succeeded
in solving all your problems," it read. "The solutions we have
found only serve to raise a whole new set of problems. In some
ways we feel we are as confused as ever, but we believe we are
confused on a higher level and about more important things."


For the Department of Lowered Expectations: During a road trip I
stopped in a small town to grab a bite to eat. I walked into a
local pizza place and the first thing I noticed was a sign on the
wall advising: "Price. Quality. Service. Pick Any Two."


Billy Crystal wants everyone to know there is a huge difference
between a class clown and a comedian. "The class clown was the guy
at graduation who walked out to get his diploma, would hike up his
gown, moon his parents and run off the stage," he told Time
magazine. Crystal, on the other hand, was a comedian. "I was the
guy who talked him into doing it."


"The French have launched their own version of Google, called
Quaero. You just type in the subject you're interested in, and
Quaero refuses to look it up for you."