Marty's Joke of the Day

Marty's Joke of the day is an internet column that I've written for more than 5 years.
I tell humorous stories about my "sweet wife" and raising our 4 young sons, named #1, #2, #3, and #4.
After 5 years of story telling, in August of 2005, doctors found a brain tumor in son #4.
Our focus here has changed little as we still try to find humor in our lives.

Monday, February 28, 2005

Dog names

Monday, February 28, 2005

Quite a few months ago, we put down our dog buster after 18 years.
It wasn’t easy. Then, we went from, we gotta get a dog now, to,
‘gee, it’s really nice not having to deal with a dog’ to ‘my dad
just happens to have a new litter of Brittney spaniels, and he’s
willing to give us one…’

So, it looks like on Saturday, we’ll have a new 7 week old liver-
and-white Brittany spaniel. I’m not sure I’m happy or dreading
another pet in the house. After all, we’ve got speedy and zippy the
turtles, 3 triops in a tank #3 has, and an occasional raccoon in
the attic. And, son #2 wants to get a lizard or a snake.

Anyway, going along with our last dog’s name of Buster (short for
Dust Buster) we thought we’d name the dog Hoover, or Kirby. There’s
also a list of other dog names we came up with the other night.

Kitty (my contribution)
Spears (“Brittany” Spaniel)
Superfly (son #3 contribution)
Dweezel and
Mr. Ed.

Hmm... good thing dogs can’t understand ‘human’...

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Watch what you say...

Thursday, February 24, 2005

My sweet wife and I got glasses a few weeks ago. She got some kinda
fancy ones, and I think she looks really good in them. I’ve even
told her she looks a lot younger. She went into the bathroom,
looked in the mirror and said, “No, they don’t make me younger,
they make me look older.” I said, “How do you figure?” She looked
in the mirror again and said, “See, now I can see all of my

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment Section:


Wednesday, February 23, 2005

A quiet night alone, installing computers

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Dija miss me? Didn’t think so. I don’t think son #4 missed us

My 3 health clinics in central Utah got a bunch of PCs delivered to
me a few weeks ago, and they needed installing. So I convinced the
boss to let me take my sweet wife, and we took an overnight road
trip. So, I didn’t think it would be proper to try and squeeze in a
JOTD issue.....

Anyway, the 4 boys had a great time at Grandma and Grandpa’s house,
and my sweet wife and I got to spend some quality time together.

When we got back today, my sweet wife picked up son #4 from the in-
laws, and headed home. As she pulled in the driveway she said, “I’m
going to put this in the house and we’ll go right to the store.”
Son #4 protested, “No, I want to go to little-Monte’s house.” (He
now calls LaMonte, Justin’s dad, ‘little’-Monte) He wanted to go
see Justin’s sister, his baby sitter from the other night. He was
going to play trains or something with HIM. (He still isn’t getting
his pro-nouns correct. He calls all females He, Him, and His. Must
be the 4th son thing). Anyway, my sweet wife told him to get back
into the van as she walked in our house. Of course when she
returned 15 seconds later, he was gone. She quickly ran over to the
neighbor’s house to find him heading in the door where LaMonte’s
wife said, “I was just going to call you.” When my sweet wife spied
him at the top of the stairs, he ran and hid behind the couch.

Yeah, I think son #4 missed us terribly. Maybe we should try two
nights next time. Hmm...

(How about it Grandma and Grandpa??)

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment Section:

MT today

Monday, February 21, 2005

Cakes and empty handed Grandma's

Monday, February 21, 2005

Friday night was our annual Blue and Gold banquet. Because we only
have 4 or 5 cub scouts, and only 7 Boy Scouts, we decided to
combine the annual dinner with the Boy Scout court of honor.
Everyone in our family was invited except son #4. He got to go next
door with Justin’s youngest sister. When we picked #4 up, she was
very polite and wouldn’t accept any money. “Oh, I didn’t have
anything else to do tonight.”

Yeah, right. On a Friday night, except watch Blues Clues, play
“shoot the bad guys”, and play with trains. Boy, our neighbors are
so cool!

Anyway, at the Blue and Gold banquet, they had the traditional cake
walk. All of my boys wanted to make cakes (son #4 got the one that
didn’t rise in the pan, so we left it home). As the Cubs and Scouts
got their cakes from the cake walk and brought them back to our
table, I encouraged them to choose someone who didn’t get a cake,
and to think about giving it to them. (There was no way I was going
eat 3 cakes from the banquet, plus a flat one at home). When son #3
got back to the table, I looked at the head table and suggested he
give it to the head of the sponsoring organization (our church
Bishop and his wife), the Webelos leader (Father/Mother-in-law #1)
or the Cub master (LaMonte, Justin’s Dad). After a long pause, Son
#3 decided to give his cake to the Bishop, who was at the far end
of the head table. I told him I’d walk him over with him to deliver
the cake. As we walked over, Grandma spied us and said, “Oh, thank
you!” as she held out her hands. She had the funniest look on her
face as son #3 walked right past her and over to the Bishop.

But, we did invite mom and dad over for a really nice Sunday

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment Section:

Hi Marty,
I am a little late in sending this. I am currently in the
Philippines and they celebrate Valentines Day with a passion.
Celebrations all over the place. Shopping malls have kissathons,
loads and loads of valentine decorations everywhere you look!! So
you can add that to your list of places that celebrate.

By the way, I have noticed you have a world-wide group of people
getting your emails. Have you ever taken a quick survey and asked
folks to let you know where they live and get your emails?? May be

[I did about a year or two ago. I think the furthest away was in
the Netherlands, or maybe it was Japan. I can’t remember...]

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Baldness and Bees

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Boy, I think I’m really getting old!

Remember I told you that my sweet wife and I were going to dinner
and a play tonight? Well, at intermission, a middle-aged man came
up to me and said, “Marty? Right?” I said, “Yeah?” He said, “I’m
Derrick, remember me?”

When my sweet wife and I were married, almost 19 years ago (wow...)
I was asked to be the Boy Scout Varsity Coach (thus beginning my
long and illustrious career in Scouting) Derrick was one of my
first Scouters. I remember him, and his little brother well. They
were pretty wild kids. Now he’s married, has 3 kids, and really
bald. We talked about old times for a minute or two; then he told
me he now had 6 beehives. (Our Varsity team raised bees for honey
as a fundraiser. Sticky, sticky fun! That was until my sweet wife
got stung, and a few days later the neighbor complained to the

Anyway, then Derrick said to my sweet wife, “you look exactly like
I remember you, but Marty, you’re looking old...”

Guess that happens.

I didn’t have the heart to tell him I still had all of my hair!

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment Section:

According to my sister who spent a couple years there, Italy
celebrates Valentine's Day, too, but you only give to your
spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend. Not kids or parents or teachers, etc.
~Justin’s Sister in AZ

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Family Fun!

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

One of the requirements for the family life merit badge is to
organize your family to do a family project. Son #1 is trying, but
it’s not easy. We’re having him organize us to paint the walls down
the stairs and in the entryway. He told son #3 to put newspaper
down on the stairs, to protect the carpet from the sanding. Son #3
was not too happy and complained loudly. He kept throwing papers
around and putting them on son #1’s head. Son #1 didn’t like that
at all, so they started fighting.

So, I sent son #3 away, and told him he couldn’t help. I figured
that son #3 would be happy that he didn’t have to work anymore.
But, it had just the opposite affect. He was upset when he didn’t
get to help out.

Go figure...

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment Section:

Hi Marty,
I've been on your mailing list for a couple of years and the jokes
and "in-home" happenings at your house are always entertaining. I
am writing to let you know that Japan also celebrates Valentines
Day. More traditionally the ladies give chocolates and gifts to the
gentlemen on February 14th. BUT...the ladies day is observed on an
almost forgetten holiday called "White Day" on March 14th. That's
the day that the ladies get their chocolate and gifts of love.
Thought you'd like to know and it's also quite possible that Korea
and a couple of other asian countries have adopted and observe this
romantic day. Take care!

hi Marty,
PLEASE tell South Africa that they mustn't celebrate Valentine's
Day (according to your trivia) because it's costing me a FORTUNE!!!
thankS for the daily laffS,
jOe F. from Cape Town, South Africa.

Hey Marty,
Great page, always enjoy it. But, there was an error in Monday's
edition. You cite the following: Only the US, Canada, Mexico,
France, Australia and the UK celebrate Valentine's Day. Wrong, I
live in Albania and they are loopy about it here. Some take days
off work, schools are sometimes closed. Couples are out for the
day, cafes and restaurants are filled and young men buy the young
women flowers. As a Brit, I know they celebrate it much more here
than in Britain. Maybe this may be due to the fact that under the
dictator, Enver Hoxa they were not aloud to celebrate it as it was
a 'saints' day and all aspects of religion was outlawed. Keep up
the good work.
Pete H.

[Oh my, Japan, South Africa, and now Albania. Where will they think
of next!]

Monday, February 14, 2005

Hugs Kisses and Deep Deep Snow

Monday, February 14, 2005

Happy Valentine’s Day!
How boring and practical my sweet wife and I getting. We planned
our Valentine’s date (dinner and a play) on Wednesday because the
restaurants are booked today. But, we did get a heart shaped pizza
and had a candle light dinner with the boys.

The Scout campout was a hit! Son #2 had a hard time keeping up with
everyone, probably because his legs are the shortest in the troop.
The next day on the way out, he didn’t seem to go much faster
either. I think it was because when he got home and we emptied his
pack, he still had a full gallon of water with him. We’ll have to
teach him a little better next time.

It’s amazing what 11, 12, and 13-year-old boys can do, even when
sleep deprived. They all slept in the cabin downstairs, while the
leaders slept upstairs. It was like a huge slumber party. 7 giggly
boys goofing off until the wee hours of the morning. Then getting
up early and playing in the snow for hours. I asked each one of
their parents on Sunday what the boys did when they got home. Each
one of them said their boys were in bed by 5PM and slept through
the night. I’m still trying to find time to catch up...

Anyway, the cabin we went to was high in the mountains, between 2
local ski resorts. On the way in the snow didn’t seem that deep,
but when we got to the cabin, and the snow was just over the 2nd
level of the cabin, we realized the snow was more than 10 feet
deep. We had to dig down to the front door to get in the cabin
(luckily it opened inward). And, I can honestly say I’ve never dug
stairs in the snow down to an outhouse door before...

On the hike in, I surprised myself. With one of the heaviest packs,
I was in the lead most of the way. I think it was that 5 days I
spent with Outward Bound course in the Joshua Tree Desert
backpacking. It’s funny what things stick with you. And no ankle
problems at all!

Ok, enough about camping and hiking.

Son #1 didn’t want to take any valentines to school today. “Mom,
they don’t do that in Jr. High” But she made him take some Hershey
‘Hugs’ anyway. He came home all grins and told my sweet wife, “Mom,
thanks for the ‘hugs’. I told the girls, ‘I’m not old enough to
give you a kiss, but I can give you a hug.’”

He though that was such a good line...

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Same Stuff, Different Day

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Hey, gotta make this a quick one tonight. I still have to find that
3 oz. flashlight for the backpack trip tomorrow...

I asked my sweet wife what story to tell tonight. She said that
when Monday morning rolled around, and the 3 oldest started getting
ready for school, son #4 ran to the front door, put his back
against it, spread his arms out and yelled, “You guys can’t go to
school, it’s Saturday!!”

Nice try. He had his brothers convinced, but not my sweet wife!

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment Section:

Reading about your trials & tribulations, I'm beginning to
appreciate ole John King a whole lot more. Now, I'm grateful that
my service has taken me in a different direction the last 35 years
Norman O.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Wallyball With Snowshoes??

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Sorry about no issue last night. Son #1 (and now #2) both have
Scouts with me on Tuesday nights. Our troop is planning a campout
high in the mountains on Friday, and had a late night planning
meeting. We’re planning on snowshoeing in 6-8 feet of snow, to a
cabin that brother-in-law #2 has access to. It’s less than a mile,
and it’s mostly on cross-country groomed trails, but we’ve got a
few young Scouts who haven’t been backpacking. All of the 11-year
old Scouts are required to have a parent go with them, so with 8
boys, we’ve got 5 adults going. It should be fun.

Last night before our planning meeting, the younger Scouts stayed
and worked on requirements while the older group (12-18 year old
young men and women) went to the local rec center and played ‘Wally
ball’. It’s like Volleyball, but you play it on a racquetball
court, with a softer ball. You can use the walls and ceiling to
bounce the ball off of. It’s really fun! Now I consider myself
pretty good at Volleyball, and, as it turns out, I’m also pretty
good at Wally Ball. Unfortunately, that old geocaching grade III
double sprain I did a year and a half ago on my ankle, didn’t agree
with Wally ball. (See past issue’s #783 and #787 for the gory


So it’s ice and aspirin for the next couple of days before I strap
on those snowshoes! I sure hope these boys appreciate their Scout
leaders when they get older. I appreciate mine a whole lot more
just about now!

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment Section:

The SuperBowl commercials were different here in California. They
threw beer out of the airplane, the bear stayed behind to dance in
another commercial. In the interesting facts, how were Marilyn
Monroe's six toes arranged, three on each foot?

How funny that one of the items in Strange Facts is from Clarendon
Texas. I have family in Clarendon, and live about 30 miles from
there. Small world.
~Linda B

I am interested in the fact that Marilyn Monroe had six toes. What
happened to the other four?
~Uncle Butter

[Several people asked that same question]

I don't normally do this, but the A/B Hero Salute commercial moved
me deeply this past Sunday. Attached is a link to the Anheuser –
Busch web site that summarized free admission to their amusement
parks for all active service men and women.

Ok, Ok, I'm a little late on this, but I just now read Monday's
issue and saw the useless fact on the vowels (Facetious and
abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct
order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."), and
remembered reading this somewhere: The only word with all the
vowels in reverse order is subcontinental. Pretty cool, huh?
~Jennifer R.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Gotta Game System?

Monday, February 07, 2005

So, what did you think of the Super Bowl? I’m not really into
football (Professional anyway) but we do have a family tradition of
always watching Super Bowl commercials. Only this year I thought
they were just so-so. I think the one I liked best was where they
were clapping in the airport for the service men. The second was
where they threw the bear out of the plane. Anyway, the game was
pretty good too.

On Saturday, one of son #3’s friends came over. While I was
downstairs, he left. He was only here about 20 minutes. Usually the
kids stay here for hours on end. So, I asked my sweet wife why Son
#3’s friend left so early. She said that when she talked to his mom
on the phone, my sweet wife told her, “Oh, I guess your son found
out that my son [and son’s #1, #2, and #4] were all grounded from
the game system. “I guess he didn’t want to play after all.” The
other mom laughed and said, “Hmm... that makes sense. I’ll bet
that’s why he wanted to come over and play at your son’s house.
He’s grounded from our game system too!”

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment Section:
None today.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Groundbreaking Revelation!

Thursday, February 03, 2005

On the way home from school the other day, my sweet wife and son #1
were having a serious conversation. He said, “Ya know mom, I’ve
finally figured out how to treat girls.” My sweet wife listened
intently for a groundbreaking revelation. He said, “You treat ‘em
just like everyone else...”

Hmm... I think he thought too much about that one!

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment Section:

Dear Marty,
Ouch. It appears that the figures which I just couldn`t accept are
apparently true. I am, to say the least, astounded. I certainly
harbor no ideas that medical treatment in the US is supperior (I`ve
exprienced my share of ineptness in the doctor`s office), but I
just could comprehend the figure of 120,000 as being anything close
to accurate. ... ... I find myself guilty of something I personally
preach; check your figures before you pass them on. ... In addition,
I would like to offer my deepest apologies if I
offended you personally. It wasn`t my intention. Thank you for
responding to my comments in a gentlemanly fashion!

[No need for deep apologies, I wasn’t offended in any way. Although
after re-reading my post, it may have looked like it. But I wasn’t.
And, as far as responding in a gentlemanly fashion, I commend your
response as well... Thanks! Marty]

Ok, Marty. All stats aside, isn't the idea of this ezine to be
humor? And shouldn't we take it all with a grain of salt? Why
should we get flamed or inflamed over any of it. Read it and
laugh, or read it and delete. Ain't it simple?
~Linda B.

[You must have older children... You sound like my wise #1 mom!]

Marty, LOL! I can't believe anyone actually questioned you on the
Doctors/Guns/Lawyers joke! ... Geez, someone needs to take a doggy
Todd C. - Card Carrying Life Member of the NRA

I'm not sure if your stats are correct... ...I suggest you take a
look at the definition [of iatrogenic] in the dictionary and then
[When you] Google iatrogenic there were 326,000 hits. Read the 1st
dozen or so. I usually check absurdities out on one of the rumor
sites, I had gotten both the "Hanoi Jane Fonda" & the
"Microsoft/AOL/Bill Gates/$1000 rebate" in this mornings e-mail for
the umpteenth time.
I certainly see the humor in the post about guns & Dr's but I do
see where people might be offended.
I really enjoy your posts, the jokes and the family anecdotes
Norman O.

Good rebuttal, Marty! Way to stand firm. "...too absurdly
erroneous to be acceptable in a joke"?!?!?!? That line in itself
is a joke. Since when does a joke have to contain fact? Holy cow,
people! Remember that this is a joke list and an equal-opportunity
offender. Any similarities to truth is purely coincidental. I have
seen that joke now about three or four times in the ten or so years
I have had an email address, and I have yet to hear those numbers
quoted as statistics in some NRA or gun rights rally. Hmmm...

Incidentally, the next time I feel sick or break my arm, I am for
sure going to buy a gun instead of visit the doctor. Doctors just
aren't safe.
Justin H.

First: Get the flame suit on again! Im a card carring member of the
NRA and I don't know a soul that would call me evel! Then again I
don't know all that meny others and no one else in the NRA!
Second : I hope you did not shake that poor boy band member too
badly! You know how fragel those boy band members are? Keep up the
good work!
~Don W.

[Thanks Don. At first I had no idea what you were talking about,
about the boy band. Then Sandra sent me this...]

How did you shake one of them? In the air above your head or just
Sandra H.

[I still didn’t know what you guys were talking about, so I sent
her this:]

[Shake one of what?]
[Sorry, was up kinda late last night. (Grin)]

You said you shook them instead of maybe saying you shook their
hand. Just having fun with your sleepy head.:)
Sandra H.

[D’oh! I meant I shook his HAND, not him! So much for proof reading
at midnight! And for those of you who know who I’m talking about,
it was Kirby I shook hands with. Wany my autograph?]

You shook an actor? Isn't that assault? Was that you I saw on the
news? Is that why you're famous?
Justin H.

[Famous? Pa-Shaw... I’m so famous, yesterday in the elevator I met
an elderly lady who I worked with at the state 4 years ago. She
said, “Oh, yeah, I thought you looked familiar. What was your first
name again?” *sigh* I guess I made a big impression when I worked

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Look Out! The Doctor's got a GUN!!

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Remember the movie tickets that my sweet wife got the other day with son #4 and the macaroni? Well, the tickets were for a world premier of a move called ‘Sons of Provo’. It’s about a Boy Band from Provo. It’s a comedy, and won some festival awards. Anyway, my sweet wife liked it a lot, but I’m not sure yet. I’ll have to sleep on it. Anyway, the actors were there and were answering questions before the move. I even shook one of them. So, now I’m famous. Big deal.

Anyway, here’s the story I’m trying to get to; Son #3 got a rock tumbler for Christmas. Well, as things go, the instructions got lost. While we were gone, son #1 was trying to help set it up. When we walked in, it sounded like it was going pretty good. Then son #1 said, “Mom, without the instructions, I’m not sure we used the right amount of vaseline that came with the kit. I said, “You don’t have to use that much, you just have to use a dab where the axel part is.” He looked at me really funny, and then I said, “Here, I’ll show you.” When we looked at it, it was turning, but I didn’t see any vaseline. I picked up the tumbler and said, “Here, here’s where you put it. It’s to make is spin easier.” Then I asked him where he put the vaseline. He got this stupid look on his face. I said, “No... you didn’t...” He said, “Well, son #3 said that’s where it went...”

They had put the vaseline in with the rocks.

Hmm... I guess we all have blonde moments once in awhile.

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

p.s. Sorry about today's Reader section. I guess I had a bee in my

Reader Comment Section:

Marty, With all due respect, the figure for accidental deaths
caused by physicians per year being 120,000 is too absurdly
erroneous to be acceptable in a joke. I do not wish to make any
presumptions about the submitter for writer of the joke, but this
is one you should have kept out. For sure, in a few days every card
carrying member of the NRA and anyone with a grudge against a
physician, legitimate or not, is going to be touting the figure as
being accurate and having come from a reliable source.

[Ok folks. Flame suits on... I’m in a mood...]

[Hmm...So now I’m a reliable source? We could use that as a joke
tomorrow! Actually, I disagree with you quite vociferously.

>the figure for accidental deaths caused by physicians per year
>being 120,000 is too absurdly erroneous...

Mark, here’s an interesting article;
“Doctors Are The Third Leading Cause of Death in the US, Causing
250,000 Deaths Every Year”
Barbara Starfield
Journal American Medical Association Vol 284 July 26, 2000

> but this is one you should have kept out.

I know. But I think the info is already out there. When you put in
the words “Doctors Guns accidental deaths” in Google, there are
120,000+ references to this very same information.

> For sure, in a few days every card carrying member of the NRA and
> anyone with a grudge against a physician, legitimate or not, is
> going to be touting the figure as being accurate and having come
> from a reliable source.

I know, I know. JAMA isn’t a very reliable source of medical
information, and no one should quote that rag. And you’re right;
Every evil card carrying member of that wicked NRA organization
reads my joke list... and uses it as a reliable source...

But, you know what they say about statistics...

Statistics can be made to prove anything - even the truth.
~Author Unknown

98% of all statistics are made up.
~Author Unknown

There are three kinds of lies - lies, damned lies and statistics.
~Benjamin Disraeli
(Commonly misattributed to Mark Twain because he quotes Disraeli in Autobiography)

Ok, folks. You may take your flame suits off. And you can call the
kids back into your computer room. Hmm... Maybe I should have done
a movie review instead.]

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Rock 'n Roll Cars

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Tonight at scouts we invited one of the merit badge councilors to
join us and help some of the boys with one of their merit badges.
At one point, someone suggested that everyone introduce themselves.
We each told a little about us, but the scouts were being a little
goofy so they were asking some strange questions. First they asked
what was the merit badge councilor’s favorite food. Then they asked
what was his favorite car. He replied, “The car I’m driving now.” One of the scouts ask, “What kind is that?” He said, “A Lincoln”.
I’m thinking, that’s a cool car. Then one of the kids yelled,
“Linkin Park! I didn’t know they made cars!” (Linkin Park = Hard
Hard rock band)

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment Section: