Marty's Joke of the Day

Marty's Joke of the day is an internet column that I've written for more than 5 years.
I tell humorous stories about my "sweet wife" and raising our 4 young sons, named #1, #2, #3, and #4.
After 5 years of story telling, in August of 2005, doctors found a brain tumor in son #4.
Our focus here has changed little as we still try to find humor in our lives.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

5/31 - Has it really been that long?

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Yesterday son #4 came home with a red ‘Unified Fire Authority’
fire hat on. Their class went to the fire department and took a
tour. He even got to hold the hose when the shot water out of it.

When he got home from school today, he told my sweet wife that he
didn’t want to go to school tomorrow. Although not too terribly
unusual, she asked, “Why not? It’s your beach day and you’ll get
to play in the water.” He said, “I don’t want the firemen to
squirt me!”


Then, when we went to Disney World, they gave him a hat and some
stickers that showed he was a ‘special’ kid, and the cast members
were supposed to give him special attention. (We didn’t notice any
difference...) Anyway, the hat and stickers had the Genie from
Aladdin on them. When we got back and were looking at all of the
stuff, he said, “Who’s Aladdin, and who’s Genie?” Can you believe
it’s been 14 years since that movie came out? Wow!

So we rented it last weekend and watched it tonight. It’s still a
pretty good movie!

For those of you who get this as email...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Want to lose weight?

Kenny lost 125 Lbs. come see how!


Awesome business opportunity, also!

Reader Comment Section:

None today


Finding a bottle on the beach, Jake uncorked it and released a

"You get three wishes." the genie says.

"Yes!" Jake replies.

"Well, let's see now, first I want $1 billion dollars."

POOF! A bank account statement appears in his hand.

"Next, I want a house in Hawaii."

POOF! He finds himself holding the deed to a property in Honolulu.

"Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."

POOF! Jakes immediately turns into a box of chocolates!


Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine
husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went
on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the
platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad. I
then launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures
hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon
should not be penalized for something so trivial. My husband
calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, 'dirty
magazines': the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."


A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"Wow! And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now then, can I
have my beer and my sandwich, please?"

"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's... just
we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing 'round
this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the
circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the
incredible talking duck.

"Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says,

"Hey, Mr. Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good

"Oh, yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus" says the bartender.

"Huh? The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right," replies the bartender.

"The circus? You mean that place with the big tent? With all the
animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?"
asks the duck.

"That's it! That's right!" says the bartender.

The duck looks confused and asks:

"But what on earth do they want with a carpenter?"

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

5/30 - Pretty Memorial day bench

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

We had a wonderful Memorial Day yesterday. I got to thinking about
my dad and some of the family traditions we had when I was a kid.
Every Memorial Day we went to a little town called Steam Boat
Rock, and visited the grave sites of my grandfather and great
grandparents. We used to play baseball with my dad, and my grandma
always made fried chicken for a picnic lunch. So yesterday, I
gather as much family who would go, made a mess of oven fried
chicken, and off we went.

The Salt Lake City Cemetery is huge. Its 250 acres and has been
around since 1847. There are at 5 graves there of my wife’s family
that we visit each year. I cheated and brought my GPS this year so
we didn’t have to hunt like we have in the past. I told everyone
that I want to have a genealogy pedigree chart on my grave marker.
I want to have at least 4 generations of my ancestors on it so
anyone doing research won’t have such a hard time. Then we saw
something at the cemetery that I thought was really cool. A marble
bench grave marker.

I told everyone that I wanted to make this a tradition. A
tradition of visiting the cemetery, and have a fried chicken
lunch. Then my sweet wife said, “If you get a marble bench, you
could have it engraved saying ‘Lunch on Grandpa!’”

Hmm... you know, maybe I should!

Today when son #4 got home, he announced that Zane (the class
bully) hit Raylee, a new girl in the class. He said, “I don’t
understand why he would hit such a pretty girl.” My sweet wife
started to laugh at son #4 calling her a pretty girl. He stopped
and said, “Why are you laughing?” my sweet wife said, “Because you
called her a pretty girl.” He said indignantly, “Well, it’s true!”

For those of you who get this as email...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!

p.s. Here’s an interesting article; Send a brick to Washington and
tell them to build a wall...


Mickey Mouse Day at Give Kids the World

Universal Studios Entrance
(That tag I have around my neck we called, "The Necklace
Of Power!" It got us to the absolute front of every line.
Most of the time, we even got ahead of the 'fast pass'

Splash Mountain
#3 - Me
#2 - #1

Want to lose weight?

Kenny lost 125 Lbs. come see how!


Awesome business opportunity, also!

Reader Comment Section:

My recollection from Disney World and Florida was that, while
Florida had swampy-smelling water in general, and even the cold
water tap was warm, the water at Disney World was cold and good-
tasting, with no smell. Maybe their standards have slipped over
the last 30 years....


There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the
mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.

"Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today." So she did
and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she
had only two hairs on her head.

"H-M-M, " she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle
today." So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that
she had only one hair on her head.

"Well," she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony
tail." So she did and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that
there wasn't a single hair on her head.

"YEAH!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"

Attitude is everything.
~Wanda D.


Our friends, James and Florence, attend choir practice Wednesday
evenings, and often head for a restaurant afterwards with their
fellow choir members. Florence soon noticed that every time she
had a glass of wine, it was followed by a severe migraine
headache. James agreed with her that it might be better if she
abstained, and so she did. On one post choir occasion, however,
Florence decided, after some hesitation, to try a different
variety of wine. Some time passed with no consequences. Then she
waved happily across the big table where her colleagues all sat
and while holding up the empty wine glass announced in a loud
voice, "James! I don't have a headache tonight!"


My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal
registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my
sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a
table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married."
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."

Friday, May 26, 2006

5/26 - Bad water...

Friday, May 26, 2006

The other day I was surfing the net and I clicked a link that turned
out to be broken. This is what came up:


Error 404! The page or file you requested doesn't exist!

Possible Causes For This Error:

* Cosmic Rays

* Ancient Curse

* Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle

* Strange little Web Gremlins

* Most likely: We're still working the bugs out of our
new website.

On the bright side:

You found where that other sock you've been looking for went to. (and
then there was a pic of a sock)

I thought it was pretty funny.

BTW, after reading Thursday's issue where Marty comments on Magna
water, I feel need to make a correction. Something Marty said was
incorrect. Let me preface this by saying that I used to work for
Kennecott in their payroll department. Our office was located in
downtown Magna. Also, let me say that some of my ancestors settled the
fine town of Magna in the late 1800s. I mention these facts only to
point out that I may have a bias.

Here is what Marty said: "...and the town has the worst tasting water
that I've ever had the opportunity to drink."
My first day on the job, I had the misfortune of tasting the water (I
used the drinking fountain instead of the water cooler). Marty is
correct in his statement about the water tasting bad, but he is
mistaken on one point... you don't drink Magna water... you chew it.

Have a great weekend and enjoy today's jokes!

Reader Comment Section:


I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed your trip to Mongolia.
Do you have any travel plans for the summer? I hear Baku, Azerbaijan
is nice this time of year.

Camille W.

[You know, I considered that, but the Mongolians said I should avoid
Baku at all cost... something about the food.]

Comments for Marty: reply to this message Comments for Justin: email


Mexican Presidente Vicente Fox visited Utah this week. What was most
surprising about his visit was not that he visited Utah's governor, yet
had no plans to visit the U.S. President.
Nor was it surprising that he addressed a group of Mexican immigrants
in English. What was most surprising about his visit was that he and
his entourage arrived by airplane, and not in the back of a van.

~some guy on the radio


A friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and asked what it
would cost. Being told that it would cost her $50, she was outraged.

"I only pay 30 bucks for my own haircut!"

The groomer replied, "That may be true. But then you don't bite, do


A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some
software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting
it into operation.

At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me
to help with the last phase of the training.

When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how
to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. "I'm so glad
you're teaching me instead of him."

Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I

"Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you.
I get nervous around really smart people."


A big corporation recently hired several cannibals in the interest of
cultural diversity.

You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming
briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the
cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the

The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later, their boss
remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with you.
However, one of our shipping clerks has disappeared. Do any of you
know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the shipping clerk?"

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued,
"You fool --- for 4 weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed

But Noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does

Thursday, May 25, 2006

5/25 - Wild stinky water plunge!

Thursday, May 25, 2006

The 6 of us only had one valid complaint about the Walt Disney
World area. The weather was awesome, the parks were fantastic, the
people were more than nice, but there was just one issue...

Son #1 and #2 on Expedition Everest, the roller coaster at Animal
Kingdom. Funny funny look on son #1’s face!

I don’t know how many of you have ever tasted the water of Magna
Utah. Magna is the town next to Kennecott Copper. Kennecott is on
the far west side of the Salt Lake Valley, and has the largest
open pit copper mine in the world. They have a lot of slag that
they wash around over there, and the town has the worst tasting
water that I’ve ever had the opportunity to drink. It has a very
strong mineral taste to it.

Now, the water at Give Kids the world village is similar to Magna
water. Except you need to throw in the (very slight) taste and
odor of swamp gas in with it. We thought that maybe it was just
the village that had a problem, but the water tasted the same at
Magic Kingdom, Universal Studios, and the Epcot parks. (Could be a
conspiracy with making $$ on the bottled water...) We ended up
getting a 24 pack of bottled water at Wal-Mart and gulped that
down in the last 3 days of our trip. (Funny, the Wal-Mart in
Orlando looked exactly like every other Wal-Mart I’ve ever
visited. They must be a big company. Ahum...)

Anyway, every where we went, son #4 had on his make-a-wish hat on.
He even got to sit in the Captain’s chair in the airplanes and
push some buttons on 3 of our 4 flights. (While we were parked on
the ground of course) I’ve got video of that somewhere... Then,
while sitting in the airport in Denver on the way home, for our 3½
hour layover, the customer service manager of Frontier Airlines
came over and made friends with son #4. She said she really
enjoyed talking to ‘wish kids’. She said a lot of them come
through Denver on their way to and from Disney World. (I suspect
Frontier gives the best air-fare, otherwise we could have flown
direct) She asked son #4 all sorts of questions, and he, being
very outgoing and sociable child kept the conversation going for a
good 10 minutes. Finally she said, “Well, it sounds like you had a
wonderful trip. Was there anything that you didn’t like?” Without
missing a beat he matter-of-factly said, “Yeah, the water tasted
like crap!”

We all laughed. Unfortunately, after a half day at Sea World, a
long flight from Orlando to Denver, and being several hours into
our 3 hour layover that day, my sweet wife and I were just too
tired to be embarrassed.

Hope you have a great weekend!

For those of you who get this as email...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment Section:


A nurse says to the doctor, 'Doctor, doctor, there's an invisible
man in the waiting room.' The doctor replies, 'Tell him I can't
see him now.'


I used to drive an Eclipse. I think it was a nice car, but I
couldn't look directly at it.


As he reviewed pilot crash reports, my Air Force military science
professor stumbled upon this understated entry: "After
catastrophic engine failure, I landed long. As I had no power, the
landing gear failed to deploy and no braking was available. I
bounced over the stone wall at the end of the runway, struck the
trailer of a truck while crossing the perimeter road, crashed
through the guardrail, grazed off a large pine tree, ran over a
tractor parked in the adjacent field and hit another tree. Then I
lost control."


The other day, I came home to find my wife, Jennifer, in tears.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"Quinn used the F word." She was referring to our three-year-old.
"You mean…"
"Yes. She called me Fat!"

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

5/24 - Now I'm back...

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

So, where have I been? It’s been a LONG couple of weeks! When last
we met, my sweet wife, son #2 and I were in the middle of play
practices. The 3 weeks before the play were extremely busy. If I
added play practice hours with work hours, it added up to about 80
hours a week. It was almost too much. But, the play went
fantastically. At the ‘meet and great’ afterwards, several cute,
young girls asked to have their pictures taken with son #2 (in his
lederhosen) and then asked for his autograph. He was in heaven! He
thought the whole acting thing was even cooler when the lead in the
play (Captain Von Trapp) who is a writer/director himself, told him
he could probably get son #2 some parts in commercials or movies.
Well, maybe...

Then after the 3 night run of our play, we left two days later for
Walt Disney World for son #4’s wish trip. The Make-a-Wish
foundation and Give Kids the World made the trip a dream come true
for all of us. They paid for everything, down to a dollar a bag for
the skycaps at the airport. GKTW is a place that accommodates ‘wish
kids’ at their 70-acre whimsical resort, complete with a merry-go-
round, an ice cream palace (open all day for all the ice cream you
could ever eat), an arcade, a gingerbread house that serves
breakfast and dinner, 2 swimming pools, and a train station. It’s
free to the families and kids. They even have a 6-foot rabbit
called Mayor Clayton, who interacts great with the kids. (He even
came and tucked the kids into bed one night).

Along with the resort (that son #4 kept asking go back to), they
gave us tickets for the 4 parks at Disney World, the 2 Universal
Studios parks, Sea World, and a ton of other stuff. We had a really
good time. But, by the end of the week we were all ‘parked’ out.
I’ve got tons of pictures and video to post later.

For those of you who get this as email...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment Section:

Great job last night! We really enjoyed the play!
~Justin H.

Want to lose weight?
I lost 125 Lbs. come see how!
Awesome business opportunity, also!











A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair
well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling
slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after
image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is
an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over,
sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her
and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"


On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason
for their long and happy marriage. The husband said, "I have tried
never to be selfish. After all, there is no 'I' in the word

The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's

Monday, May 15, 2006

5/12 - He's baaack... not him, him!

Friday, May 12, 2006

Can it possibly be? Is it true? Is it a bird? Is it a
plane? No... It's the triumphant return of Justin to
Fridays on Marty's JOTD. Da da da da! (Imagine some
majestic musical score here...)

It's been quite a few months since I have filled in for
Marty. Between tax season, family crises, and a brief,
but memorable trip to Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia (at least in
my mind), Fridays on the JOTD have been pretty low on
my list. But I'm back.

I found out something funny the other day that my boss's
wife does to my boss every year for Valentine's Day and
their anniversary. For the past ten years or so, she has
been giving him the same Valentine's Day card and the same
Anniversary card. She gets new envelopes each year and
puts a fresh kiss on the outside, but the cards (and
written sentiments) are the same year after year. He'll
open them, read them, and thank her for the nice card.
When they're finished exchanging gifts she'll clean up the
wrapping paper, and take the card and save it for the
next year. I don't think he's noticed yet.

Have a great weekend and enjoy today's jokes!

p.s. I saw Marty and his Son #2 in the Sound of Music last
night. They really did a great job. Marty's Sweet Wife
was also in the play, but she played a nun and I was in
the balcony and nuns all look alike anyway, don't they?
I'm kidding. They all did very well.

Reader Comment Section:


A Swiss guy visited Sydney, Australia, and pulled up at a
bus stop where two locals were waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asked.

The two Aussies just stared at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tried. The two
continued to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?"

Other than a glance at each other, there was still no

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy gave up and drove off, extremely disgusted.
When he was gone, the first Aussie turned to the second
and said, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign

"Why?" the other replied. "That guy knew four languages,
and it didn't do him any good."

~submitted by Wanda D.


A local stupid criminal...

Orem Man Reports Marijuana Stolen
January 31, 2006

(KSL News) -- Two people are in jail following a home

According to police reports, 18-year-old Kory C. Tippetts
returned home Monday evening to discover that someone had
broken into his house. Tippetts reported that a quarter-
pound of marijuana was the only thing missing.

Tippetts told police he had an idea who might have stolen
it. Tippetts explained to police that he had received a
call earlier that day from 23-year-old Richard W. Hight.
Hight wanted to buy some marijuana, but Tippetts couldn't
meet him to make the sale.

Officers checked Hight's house, where they recovered six
ounces of marijuana and arrested him for burglary, theft,
and possession of marijuana in a drug-free-zone with the
intent to distribute. He was booked into the Utah County

With the stolen marijuana now in hand, the officers called
Tippetts to come to the police station to identify the
drugs. Tippetts came to the station, identified the drugs,
and was then arrested and booked on drug related charges.



Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all
Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend
gambling trip to Louisiana.

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the
Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having
a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard
anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the
Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the
road, clutching the seats in front of them with white

The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and

Monday, May 08, 2006

5/8 - Slap Happy Hale

Monday, May 08, 2006

So I got a couple nights of rest yesterday and today. We had long
play practices on Wednesday and Thursday of last week and didn’t
home until 11PM either nights, so I decided not to attempt doing
an issue. I could have, but it wouldn’t have made any sense. (Not
that most of my writing makes sense anyway...) Friday’s and
Saturday’s practices were just as long. Things are starting to
come together. I think I got my lines down pretty good, and I’m
working on the facial expressions, and the acting part. Not to
mention the costume changes and where I have to be and when.

There’s a professional theater not far from where we are. It’s
called the Hale Centre Theatre. It’s a theater in the round, and
they do some pretty cool plays. Anyway, son #2 wants to go there
for some acting lessons. On Saturday I was teasing him about the
lessons, saying, “Are you sure you want to go?” “Are you REALLY
sure you want to go?” “C’mon, I think you’re just saying that.” I
think I teased him a little much, because he finally yelled at me,
“YES, I WANT TO GO TO HALE!” This turned a few heads and raised a
few eyebrows. He had to do some quick back peddling, while
laughing at himself.

The director said that all of our characters are coming along
well, but that she wanted us to push them as far as possible. She
said she would tell us if we’re going over the top. Well, I’m
supposed to be the mean Nazi guy, and at one point I tell Frau
Schmidt, “BE QUIET!” So at practice on Saturday, I decided to
raise my hand to her while I yelled my command.

So I finally got my one and only note from the director during
notes after the practice; “Herr Zeller, in your scene with Frau
Schmidt, don’t raise your hand. It looks like you’re going to hit
her...” I knew it was going too far, but I was just fishing for
some feedback. (grin)

For those of you who get this as email...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment Section:


"The first thing I did after being hired as the director of
learning technology at a high school was to change the sign
outside my door -- the one that had my name followed by the
acronym D.O.L.T."


A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a
study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for
therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The
response was gratifying; they got 300 responses the day after the
ad came out. All from the same person.


At the prestigious university I attend, there is a clear hierarchy
that outlines how long one was to wait for a class to begin if the
professor were absent. A full professor rated fifteen minutes.
An associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on
time, if not early. This system worked only one way, however;
and students were afforded no such grace. It was to be expected,
therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field
by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when the
student, just out of military service, was late for class for the
third morning running. "Tell me," the professor began, "exactly
what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like
this?" "Well," mused the unperturbed young man... "first they
saluted, then they asked, 'How are you this morning, sir?'"

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

5/2 - Fame isn't all it's cracked up to be

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Well, it seems I’ve got plenty of time to write tonight’s issue. I
caught my ride to the conference center at 5PM at the church by my
house, and it’s now 9PM. We haven’t even gotten to my first scene,
(scene 11). But, instead of sitting like a bump on a log, I
decided I’d wanted to participate. So, I’m helping move the stairs
on and off the set between scenes.

Now, c’mon... not everyone can be a star!

It’s been a tough day for my family too. Son #3 woke up with a
rash all over him, and ended up on amoxicillin. Son #4 said he had
an earache, my sweet wife broke her toe on a doorframe, and son #2
missed his ride to the conference center. (He was at a friend’s
house, playing video games and didn’t hear our frantic phone calls
or door knocks. I think he owes Grandma and Grandpa $5 in gas

Now I’m home, and get to do it all over again tomorrow.

I did get some video of practice. I’ll see if I can figure out how
to post it on the web site soon.

For those of you who get this as email...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment Section:

Ok... you posted your intellectual quote, I'll send you my funny

"When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.
It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself."
- Author, who knows.

Doug S.


Flying home after visiting her daughter in England, she arranged
to have her husband meet her plane at the Vancouver, B.C. airport.
This meant a stop at the border crossing between the United States
and Canada, where her husband was asked: "What is your reason for
entering the country?" and "How long are you planning to stay?" He
replied that he was picking his wife up at the airport after her
trip to England. Without missing a beat, the guard asked two more
questions in the same businesslike tone: "Is the house clean?" and
"Are there fresh flowers on the table?"


I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a
magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the
receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy
of the photo. "Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit
card," she said. "But my husband is here getting a haircut," I
explained. "Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come
back for."


Tired of being a golf widow, a woman took up the game and wound up
playing with her husband on a country course one day. He hit his
drive way off into the rough, behind a barn. She came over to take
a look, surveyed the situation, and suggested that if he opened
both barn doors he could hit his ball straight through the barn to
the green. He saw this as an excellent idea, complimented her for
her suggestion, then opened the doors and stepped up to the ball.
He made a swing and great contact. Unfortunately, the ball was off
line, careened off the door frame, hit the wife in the head and
killed her. Years went by, the man finally remarried, and this
time found himself a golfer for a wife. Incredibly, the same
situation occurs. The man is in the rough behind the same barn.
His new wife took a look at his ball and suggested that he could
make the green if he opened both barn doors and hit through the
barn. "No way," he says. "I can't do that." "Why not?" she asks.
"The last time I did that something terrible happened." "What?"
she asked. "I got a double bogey."

Monday, May 01, 2006

5/1 - Practice make Perfect Politics

Monday, May 01, 2006

It’s going to be a long week. I don’t think I remember signing up
for marathon play practices when I first got the inkling to be a
star on stage. Our practices start tomorrow, and are every day
(except Sunday and Monday) until the play. It should be fun, I

Anyway, remember last week when I was in training all week. Well,
now it’s my turn to cover the guy who covered me while I was
training. So I’m doing double duty at work all week. I hope I can
hold my breath until Friday afternoon!

Oh, and we did buy a video camera tonight. And, I also bought a
tank of gas to boycott the boycott. I think we ought to do
something about the gas price problem. (And not throw $100 at the
problem. What a joke that idea is...) There is a bunch of oil
shale in Utah and Colorado. Let’s throw that money at oil shale,
extract the black gold from our country, then build another
refinery or two.

But, I digress. Enough of politics.

Today as I was working in my cohort’s area, I saw this saying
tacked up on a wall. It’s still one of my favorites quotes;

"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot
of time running around shouting that he's been robbed. The fact is
that most putts don't drop, most beef is tough, most children grow
up to be just people, most successful marriages require a high
degree of mutual toleration, and most jobs are more often dull
than otherwise. Life is like an old time journey...delays,
sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only
occasionally by beautiful vistas, and thrilling bursts of speed.
The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."
~~President Gordon B Hinckley, prophet and president of the Church
of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

For those of you who get this as email...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!


In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to
some questions the teacher was asking. "Next question," announced
the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite
sex?" I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next
to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'"


My blonde wife and I were playing Trivia for Dummies when she
amazed me by answering correctly that there are seven rays on
the crown of the Statue of Liberty. "How in the world did you know
that?" I asked. Rolling her eyes, she answered, "Duuuhh...the
seven original colonies!"


While my third-grade class was completing a writing exercise, one
of the students asked me how to spell "piranha." I told him I was
unsure. To my delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his
problem. That's when I overheard another pupil say to him, "Why
bother to look it up? She doesn't know how to spell it anyway."


Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I
work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I
supervise. "Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the
speed limit is in our parking lot?" The long silence that followed
was interrupted when one of them piped up. "That depends. Do you
mean coming in to work or leaving?"