Marty's Joke of the Day

Marty's Joke of the day is an internet column that I've written for more than 5 years.
I tell humorous stories about my "sweet wife" and raising our 4 young sons, named #1, #2, #3, and #4.
After 5 years of story telling, in August of 2005, doctors found a brain tumor in son #4.
Our focus here has changed little as we still try to find humor in our lives.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Level 2 cussing...

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Ok, it was bound to happen. I am a fallible person. I know, some of
you find that hard to believe, but it’s true. (grin) I was getting
ready for Scouts tonight, and reading the Scout manual while
standing in the middle of the kitchen. My sweet wife had gone to
pick up son #1 and #3 from friend’s houses, and son #2 was setting
the table for dinner. Son #4 was being goofy and doing his kamikaze
runs at my legs while I tried to read.

On one pass, he connected. And he connected in the wrong place, and
he connected in the wrong place but good. He hit me so hard I bent
over in pain and said, “OUCH! DANG IT!” Only, I’m sorry to say
folks, I didn’t say Dang it. You get the picture. Then I yelled at
son #4 to go his room. After a couple of minutes of moaning on the
floor, I went in to talk to son #4 and told him why he shouldn’t do
that, and that I was sorry for yelling.

Now cussing is something I don’t allow in my house. And it takes a
special event for me to let loose of one. So when we were eating
dinner, son #2, who saw the whole thing, wouldn’t eat and wouldn’t
talk either. We tried to ask him what was wrong, and he wouldn’t
answer. Finally we figured it out. “Was it because daddy swore?” He
nodded his head. (Oh not, guilt. Now I’ve ruined him for life.)

So I apologized again in front of everyone. Then he said, “Dad, if
you swear, you have to pay $5 into the pizza jar.” Everyone agreed.
Except me. But they were relentless and I couldn’t argue, so it’s

I guess it’s a good thing they think swearing is a bad thing. But
then again, I’d hate to think what they would have done if I’d have
let loose with one of the big swear words... Maybe I’d have to wash
my mouth out with soap. And I remember as a kid what that tastes

Anyway, have a great day and...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment Section:

Monday, November 29, 2004


Monday, November 29, 2004

Traditions. Usually the Friday after Thanksgiving is the day we put
up the Christmas tree. This year there was just too much to do that
day, so for tonight’s family night we started to put it up. The
boys were pumped up. They were wrestling, singing, and bouncing
around. And, they only broke a few things. After the tree was up,
we got out the lights. Only most of them weren’t working. So, we’ve
got all of the stockings, nativities, and decorations up, and a
bare Christmas tree. A quick trip to the store will fix that

But, I’m glad it’s the Christmas season. I’m looking forward to all
of our family traditions, and now I can start using some of the
Christmas jokes I’ve been saving!

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Turkey Day!

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Happy Thanksgiving!

Because it’s Thanksgiving, and before all of the turkey jokes
begin, I wanted to tell you some things I’m thankful for...

First, and foremost, I’m thankful for a great sweet wife. She
treats me like a King even when I act like a commoner. She is such
a stalwart spouse, even when life isn’t fun or glamorous. Thanks

I’m thankful for Yahoo Groups. Where I have an outlet to share my
family experiences and hopefully make you smile. I’m thankful that
I have a place to write my family history for my great
grandchildren. And, I’m grateful that that you put up with Yahoo’s
ads, to make it free.

I’m thankful for my boys, who teach me so much about life. It’s so
strange to see yourself in their words and deeds.

And last but not least, I’m thankful for your ‘atta boy’ emails
that keep me going after almost 5 years of writing.


Now, I’ve got some turkey to cook!

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Here’s something scary I ran across yesterday
“Declaration of Independence Banned at California School”
Teacher barred from using it because it refers to God

Teacher sues for right to use documents

I just don’t get it...

Reader Comment Section:

from 1 parent to another...re; thanksgiving & Christmas
traditions........& aches/pains from wrestling.....take lots of
pics now because as soon as son #1 hits puberty ALL will change.
there's a 'trickle down' therory that will effect the other 3 &
not only will the 'good ole days' never be the same, but you'll
spend the next 15yrs transitioning as the rest of the nest goes
through their changes, too........& before ya know it #4 will be
off to collage in some other state & decide to spend the holidies
there instead of coming home....weather will also be a
factor...........so start prepping mentally NOW…
~linda w.

[Oh, thanks. Just what I needed... (grin)]

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Turkey Wrestling...

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Turkey day is just 2 days away! (Or 1 day, depending on when you
read this...) I think Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I love
to cook, I love to eat, I love having family around, and I love to
be grateful for the things I’ve been blessed with! (Ok, Christmas
is a close second, but it gets too wild and messy on Christmas
morning. But I do love the family Christmas traditions leading up
to Christmas a lot too!)

I woke up this morning and was really sore. I couldn’t figure out
why. My elbows were sore, my chin was sore and my back just ached.
After sitting at work for a couple of hours, I remembered why. I
worked out for about 45 minutes after work yesterday, and then Son
#1 came home and was feeling his oats. We wrestled on the hardwood
living room floor for another 45 minutes.

It’s more fun to wrestle them when they’re older. They don’t cry if
you bump a head or smash a finger a little. They just work harder
on you. So, they’re more of a challenge.

And, when I wrestle little ones like son #4, he’s still “stretchy”.
I can pin him on his back, put his knees on the floor next to his
ears, and he just laughs and laughs. With son #1 it takes a little
more effort then when he was little. I don’t worry though; I’m
still only going at it about 40%. That is, for now... But those
aches and pains...

Today’s Jokes are Thanksgiving related. I’ve dispelled a few
Thanksgiving urban legends at the end, so read on today!

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Monday, November 22, 2004

But I like Macaroni and Cheese!

Monday, November 22, 2004

Remember a couple of weeks ago when I had to call in sick. Then I
realized that I had a job interview that afternoon? Well, I drug
(dragged) myself into work and forced myself to go through the
interview anyway. Guess what, it’s a good thing I did. After a 2nd
interview, and then a 3rd interview, I got a job offer on Friday!

I’ll be working in the same hospital conglomerate, but in a
different division. It’s down town, and I’ll be doing 2nd level
technical support in an office with about 300 computers and 60
different doctor’s offices. I’ll pretty much be the only computer
dude there.

With my 2 years of “boot camp” answering phones, and what I’ve done
before, this should be pretty easy. Plus it comes with a few more
dollars in the paycheck. Now we can go from Mac-n-cheese to
hamburger helper!

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

p.s. Remember, to read ‘just the stories’ go to

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Here doggy doggy doggy

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Son #4 is starting to be a little more independent. He’s getting
good at taking all of his cloths off when he takes a bath. (instead
of mom or dad doing it.) When he takes his long sleeve shirts off,
he bites the cuff of the shirt, and pulls his arm back through. But
not so with short sleeve shirts. He still has a hard time getting
those off.

This morning my sweet wife said that when he wanted to take a bath,
he came running in, took his pants off, and tried to take his short
sleeve shirt off. She said as he tried to bite the end of the
sleeve, he kept going in circles like a dog chasing his tail.

As she was laughing so hard, she said son #4 got made and said,
“Not funny!”

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

p.s. Remember, to read ‘just the stories’ go to

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Come and git it!

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

We’re trying to figure out whom to invite to Thanksgiving dinner.
All of my wife’s brothers and sisters go to their in-laws for
Thanksgiving on Thursday. So my wife’s parents usually have a big
dinner for the family on Friday. My side of the family live out of
town, or are going out of town, so it’s just us the 6 of us.

I guess you can have a turkey dinner with just mom, dad, and four
little boys...

Is anyone going to be in town in need of a dinner?

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

p.s. Remember, to read ‘just the stories’ go to

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Nightmare on Marty's Street

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

When son #4 woke up this morning and walked down to the basement to
see my sweet wife, he was very sad and had his lower lip sticking

“What’s wrong honey?” She said.

“I had bad dream.” He replied.

He crawled up on her lap as she asked him about it. He said that
our van was a bad van and didn’t do what he told it to do. He said
it was chasing him or something. He said it scared him.

My sweet wife replied, “You know it wasn’t real. It was just your
imagination and didn’t really happen.”

He indignantly snapped back, “Not ‘magination mom! I really did
have bad dream!”

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

p.s. Remember, to read ‘just the stories’ go to

Reader Comment Section:

Justin, your going to a weird school is beyond argument, but it
isn't weird because they foster respect for the national song or
respect for the nation's flag. Don't you remember the things your
father taught you about respecting the flag of our country. Just
joking, I know you do have great respect for the nation's flag and
~Your Father and Marty's neighbor

[Can you believe this guy? Living next to some really loud
neighbors and he’s never called the cops once! What a saint!]

Monday, November 15, 2004

Someboday called for you mom...

Monday, November 15, 2004

“Mom, some lady called for your or son #1” said Son #2 when they
got home.

“Who was it?” my sweet wife asked.

He said, “I don’t remember. But her name started with L or S.”

My sweet wife replied back, “Did she leave a phone number?”

“No, but you’re supposed to call her as soon as you get back.”

Looks like we’ve got a little more phone message taking lessons
ahead for him...

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

p.s. Remember, to read ‘just the stories’ go to

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Flirting for suckers


Thursday, November 11, 2004

Happy Veterans Day, Remembrance Day, and Armistice Day. And Happy
Birthday to the Marines!

Ok, picture the same car at the same bank, same teller, and same
thumb in the son #4’s mouth. As my sweet wife pulled up to the bank
yesterday, and started putting things in the drive up window
container (what do you call those things?) son #4, sitting behind
her said, “What’s that mom?”

She replied, “That’s where I put my deposits. The girl inside
slides it into the bank and takes out the stuff and puts the money
in the bank.”

As my sweet wife finished her business and the teller pulled in the
container son #4 says, “Ooooh... You’re good!”

The teller replies, “What did he say?”


Now I’ve got a 3-year-old flirt? He must just like the safety-pop
suckers he gets at the bank...

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

p.s. Remember, to read ‘just the stories’ go to

Reader Comment Section:

[Addition to Tuesday’s Quiz]

8. Only three words in Standard English begin with the letters
"dw." They are all common. Name two of them. Dwarf, dwell, and
dwindle. [That's 3, isn't it?]

"Dwat it! I'll get that wabbit yet!"
~ Elmer Fudd (aka Lester M.)

[and the rash...]
>Strangest answer: Radish – Uncle Butter. [speaking of, my rash is
>mostly gone, but my hands and feet still itch. What's up with
>that? Anyone? Anyone?]

Marty... you work for a large health conglomerate in the
Intermountain West, and you're asking us for medical advice? Next
time you get a tech call at work, say that you'll answer their
question if they answer yours.
~ Justin H.

[Sure, someone doesn’t know how to turn their caps lock off or
can’t remember their password, and I’m gunna ask for medical
advice? Not... :-) ]

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Guilty Movies and Quiz Answers

What a sweet little boy!

- To buy a personalized painting,
from your photo, similar to this, from my sweet wife.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Ok, now I feel really guilty. Wednesday night is choral practice.
We’re singing on Temple Square on December 4th at 8PM (Plug). But,
my father-in-law #1 was helping unload Boy Scout popcorn. [We were
just too fund raiser’d out for popcorn this year] Anyway, they gave
him several tickets to a pre-screening of “National Treasure”
http://nationaltreasure.movies.go.com/main.html and we decided to
go as a family. So I bugged out of practice tonight. (Sorry Jim!
But that’s only 2... grin)

Anyway, the movie is kind of a modern Indiana Jones, wannabe sort
of film. The 3 older boys really liked it, but I’d only give it a
lukewarm 7 out of 10, or a C+. A lot of the stuff was not
believable and far-fetched, but it was sprinkled with some
interesting history stuff. But then the bad guy was kind of hard to
figure out. First he was a friend, then an enemy, then nice, then
mean. Hard to follow.

All in all, it wasn’t a bad move for matinee or a dollar theater
movie. I don’t think I’d pay $7 or $8 to see it thought. Of course,
there aren’t many I would. Star Wars maybe. [BTW, The trailer is
out at http://www.starwars.com/]

Anyway, enough movie stuff. On with the jokes!

Oh, and don’t forget to check out and bid on, a personalized hand painted painting from a photograph like son #4’s “Angry Face” or
son #3’s toothless grin on eBay at

Now, really, on to the jokes.

No, just kidding. Sorry, one last thing... the answers to yesterday’s quiz are at the bottom of today’s issue.
Congratulations to

Larry B.
Sandy G. and
Dora Q.

(in that order)

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Radish Rash or out of luck?

Try Netflix for Free!

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

I thought I was going to be lucky tonight, but it turns out, I
think I just ate something bad.

I came home tonight and was scratching my chest and neck. I didn’t
think anything about it, but my sweet wife came up to me and
started unbuttoning my shirt. (hubba hubba) I started to give her a
little hug and she pushed me away and kept at my buttons. (huh?)
She took my shirt off and said, “Oh, man. Does that hurt?”

I said, “No, just itches like crazy.” Seems I ate something I’m
allergic to, and broke out in a huge rash. Maybe it was those
radishes I had last night. We’ll just keep an eye on it.

Time will tell.

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

p.s. Ok, and just to increase my chances... I told my sweet wife
I’d tell you about her latest adventure. If you check out the blog
side of the JOTD, you saw a picture of son #4 that my sweet wife
painted. Well, she’s decided to do “Pop Art” of other people’s
pictures. She’ll take a photo and make a painting out of it. You’ll
see what I mean by clicking on her auction. She’s so awesome!
Copy and paste this link:

We’ve got another great quiz for everyone. Send your answers in,
and get mentioned on the JOTD!

Monday, November 08, 2004

Birthday Parties and Mice

Monday, November 08, 2004

Tonight was our annual birthday party night. You see in November we
have 7 or 8 birthdays in my sweet wife’s extended family. I’d name
them all here, but I’m sure I’d miss someone. We get together on
family night each November. We had cousins, aunts, uncles,
grandparents, and even a neighbor thrown in this year. When it came
time to sing ‘happy birthday’ we called another Aunt and Uncle in
California, with 2 or 3 November birthdays, and sang away. When it
came time for ‘happy birthday dear...’ it got pretty loud and
funny. But that’s how we do November birthdays.

Now, I wasn’t going to tell this story, ever, except I ran across
our first joke today, and figured maybe I should tell it.

We have a detached garage in our back yard that has all kinds of
cool stuff in it. Camping gear, old boys cloths, Halloween
costumes, Christmas stuff. You know, the stuff garages are made
for. Well, a day or two before Halloween, my sweet wife went out to
the garage to get the box of Halloween costumes for the kids. She
brought it inside. When I was down stairs I heard a loud
“EEEEEKKK!” from my sweet wife. Apparently she saw a mouse in the
box of costumes.

This was a good-sized box that was about 3 x 3 x 2 feet. We quickly
moved the box to the back porch and shut the door. Then I had the
honors of figuring out what to do next. Sometimes men don’t think
very rationally in situations like this.

I figured I’d (gingerly) pull off each piece of costume, and shake
it out very well. (Being careful not to touch or breathe any dust
for fear of the Hanta virus) As I worked my way down the box of
stuff, I saw the mouse jump every once in a while and crawl deeper.
Then, I saw two of them. Then 3, 4, and there ended up being 5 mice
in this box.

I was still wondering what was I going to do when I got to the
bottom? I asked my sweet wife for advice. She suggested just
getting our stuff out and putting the box in the garbage can. Great
idea. Except there’s a huge hole in the bottom of the box where the
mice will fall out if I pick the box up off of the porch. I got
most of the stuff out of the box, and one of the last things I took
out of the box was a large black wooden cat figure for Halloween
decorations. Was that poetic?

Ok, well, I’ll leave most of the details out from the rest of the
story, but suffice it to say, that’s why wives have husbands, and
that’s why we get to do all of the dirty work.

But, the story doesn’t end there.

I didn’t know if any of the mice got away before I counted them, or
if there were more in the garage. And, having 4 little ones running
around the house, I won’t buy rat or mouse poison. So off to the
store I went and got good old fashion ~snap~ mouse traps. One of
the traps found a mouse in the garage. Then last night I heard one
between the basement ceiling and the kitchen floor. I figured the
best place would be below the baseboard-heating vent. Have you ever
tried to set a mousetrap then gently set it inside a baseboard-
heating vent? I have, and it’s not easy.

Anyway, that trap found another one last night.

Let’s hope that’s all of ‘em!

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Hoarse-ies and Ties

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Ok, I whined yesterday about my horse voice.

(And thank you for not emailing me and correcting my spelling,
saying it should be a ‘hoarse’ voice, not a ‘horse’ voice. But, Mom
you’re slacking...)

Anyway that, combined with the election night lack of sleep, and
now a nasty cold virus, made me feel like dog doodie when I woke up
this morning. I attempted to shower, shave, and shine, then drag
myself to work (I’ve only ever called in sick maybe once a year).
But after 5 minutes in the shower, I knew I couldn’t make it.

I called in and told them, “Sorry. No workie for me today”

I headed back to bed to get some more sleep. Usually my sweet wife
is up when I leave for work, but as I plopped back into bed, she
was producing that familiar rich deep snoring sound I’ve come to
love. She quickly awoke with one of those heart-pounding, jump out
of bed, ‘I’m late’ moves.

I said, “Relax. I called in sick. Go back to bed”

She lay there for several seconds trying to catch her breath, then
quietly said, “Don’t you have a job interview today at work?”


Then I whispered, “Oh crap.”

I lay there a second and said, “I’ll just go in late.”

Do you know how embarrassing it is to call in sick, then have to come to work after all, prettied up and wearing a tie for a job interview?” Co-workers love to say, “oh you were, sick huh?”

Is it Thursday already? Guess so! Have a great weekend, and...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!

p.s. Remember, to read ‘just the stories’ go to http://martysjotd.blogspot.com

Reader Comment Section:

i'm so glad that somebody explained the snaill joke to me! now,
what's w/the goose/down pants joke??????
~linda w.

[Oh, but they’re not fun if you have to ‘splain ‘em.]

>This goose walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and
>says, "Hey, buddy, your pants are down!"

[You see Goose’s (Geese’s?) pants would be made from goose down,
therefore the goose’s pants would be ‘down’. A double-entendre.]

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Horses'n Politics

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

When I opened my email this morning, I got quite a surprise. There was ‘Tuesdays’ issue from Marty’s Joke of the Day. “Oops!” I thought, I put the wrong day on Monday’s issue. What a pleasant surprise to see that Justin, our ‘Friday Fill-in Joke Master’ filled in for me without even being asked. Thank you Justin, you ~ARE~ da’man!

What a long 36 hours I’ve had. Going to work yesterday, yakking on the phone all day long, then volunteering to call voters last night to ‘get out the vote’. I had to stop after 3 hours because I was getting so horse. Then my sweet wife and I went to the big political ‘party’ downtown for a couple of hours to watch the bigwigs get interviewed and to throw around some balloons. I think my sweet wife and I were even on TV when our re-elected Senator was being interviewed. Oh boy. Big deal. Want my autograph?

Than we got to bed really late, had a restless night, and got up extra early because we couldn’t sleep. Watched the returns until it was time to go to work and Yak yak all day long on the phones. Then it was 2 hours of Wednesday night choral practice for our Christmas concert in 4 weeks.

It’s a good thing I’m typing tonight, and not talking. We’ll see if I can yak yak again for another 8 hours at work tomorrow.

Tonight at dinner, son #1 was talking about a new “girl” friend he met today, (She’s just a friend dad...) His friend was running for class office. I asked him if he was going to run for office. He thought for a second and said, “Yeah, maybe next year I will.” Then I said, “That’s how you get your start in politics.” He looked at me and said, “Oh, and then again, maybe I won’t.” I guess I forgot to tell him that I ran for a class office in High School and lost big time. My only other political aspiration was a one-year stint on a town council. Interesting work, but it was all too political.

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

p.s. Remember, to read ‘just the stories’ go to http://martysjotd.blogspot.com

Reader Comment Section:

[About Justin’s Halloween costume joke yesterday]
"But... you have a girl on your back," replies the host.
"Yeah, he says, "that's Michelle!"

am i the only one who didnt get the snail joke?guess iam just
tired, its been a long day
~Robert W.

[Yeah, the first time I heard it, it took me a second too. Michelle
= Me Shell. It’s a quick little thinker joke like this one...]

This goose walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and
says, "Hey, buddy, your pants are down!"

Yuk yuk...

Monday, November 01, 2004

Terminology - Voting - and Painting

Monday, November 01, 2004

We had another successful Halloween night. Son #2 decided to go
with some friends instead of the family. After he finished, he
called for a ride and said, “Mom, we weighed my candy, and I got 7
1/2 pounds!” Boy, what a haul! But when he got home, the other boys
had just as much. We really had some really bouncy boys for church
on Sunday!

I think I forgot to tell you what son #1 went as. He’s got some
really creative ideas. Two years ago he dressed up like a fluffy
little bunny, then put tire-tracks on his chest and went as road
kill. This year, he took sponges and pinned them all over his shirt
and wrote “Self Absorbed” on the front of his shirt. Yup, he got
that one right!

Tomorrow is the big test at work on the 350 medical terminology
words I’ve been studying. So tonight for family night we went out
to dinner, and on the way back I started spraying words out so I
could remember them.

”brady is slow”
“lal is speech”
“encephil is brain”
“megal” is enlarged
“ptosis is falling”
“melan” is black
“glosso” is tongue
“algia” pain

So the boys started making words up again. Dad, I have a
‘melanglosso’ (black tongue) or ‘bradyencephil’ (slow brain). Then
son #2 said, ‘megalencephilptosis’ (My large brain is falling, out
of my ear!)... It was just goofy. The more words I spit out, the
funnier things got. Then son #3 wanted us to stop because he had
encephilalgia (headache), so we toned it down a little, but it was

Hey, don’t forget to vote tomorrow. (Unless you’re voting for the
wrong guy, then you need to vote on Wednesday.)

I don’t think I’ll be doing a JOTD issue tomorrow. After I rush
home from work and vote (hopefully I won’t have to wait in line) my
sweet wife and I are running downtown to one of the campaign
headquarters and making a bunch of ‘get out and vote’ phone calls.
Then it’s downtown for a big political party. The guy we’re calling
for is running for congress and is 10 points behind, so I’m sure
we’ll be leaving soon after the concession speech. But, free food!

And, my sweet wife made me promise to tell you about her latest
creation that’s up for bid on eBay. She’s painted a really cool
painting titled “Winners Never Quit” about the tortes and the hare.
It’s really cool, and it’s at

Shh... if you mention the Joke of the Day, I’ll give you 10% off of
the selling price. (But don’t tell my sweet wife!)

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

p.s. Remember, to read ‘just the stories’ go to http://martysjotd.blogspot.com

Reader Comment Section:

Marty's mom,
will you share with us the story about Marty, and his sister in the
back yard when she got mad at him and threw rocks down his pants?
~Jill M.

[Oh, she probably won’t. That’s kind of a ...rocky... story.]