Marty's Joke of the day is an internet column that I've written for more than 5 years.
I tell humorous stories about my "sweet wife" and raising our 4 young sons, named #1, #2, #3, and #4.
After 5 years of story telling, in August of 2005, doctors found a brain tumor in son #4.
Our focus here has changed little as we still try to find humor in our lives.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
5/30 - Technostuff
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wednesday, May 30, 2007 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some tech thoughts;
Computers have really worked their way into our lives, haven’t they? Can you remember just 5 or 10 years ago? Computers weren’t anywhere near as integrated as they are now. And, can you imagine 5 or 10 years from now? I think it’s going to be a wild ride.
And, what about privacy implications? Google now has a street level view on their Google maps. How would you like to be caught somewhere you didn’t want to be seen?
And, I found this tidbit on the net today. Microsoft just unveiled it’s new tabletop surface PC. Cool stuff!
Anyway, there still are a couple things that technology can’t cure yet... I was working on a radiology computer at a kids-care facility today. A little boy just a year or two younger than son #4 came in. Weeping, crying and screaming. I stepped out while the tech took is X-rays. He screamed every time she moved him for a different view. It was almost sickening. After he left the images were on the screen of the PC I was fixing. It was a nasty nasty 2 bone break that even ~I~ could tell was broken. Computers can’t fix that, yet.
And then there’s the Utah Jazz loss tonight. No computer can fix that one either... *sigh*
Anyway, be grateful for the technology we have now, and hang on to your seat for things that are coming down the road!
Enjoy Today’s Jokes! Marty
p.s. Check out the mapstats button on the right. Cool Stuff!
Here’s a couple of non-technical Parachute and flying videos
An eighth grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being president of the United States. After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen. One of the students raised her hand, "Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can't be president?"
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician. "Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked. "Yes," the girl replied. "Did it hurt?" "No." "Really? Which bone did you break?" "My sister's arm."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Monday, May 28, 2007 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy Memorial Day! I thought I’d do a quick post this morning. Our weekend has been pretty eventful so far. We all went to Thoroughly Modern Millie on Friday. At first son #4 didn’t want to go. The only thing he’s ever heard about Hale Centre Theater (where the play was) was the accident where a stage hand got caught in the moving stage. Before we went, son #4 kept asking if anyone else was going to get hurt when the stage moved. When we got there, he acted like he didn’t want to be there at all. But about 5 minutes into the show when the stage moved for the first time, his eyes got big and he said, “That was cool mom!” He loved the show and stood on his chair and clapped at the end. All 4 boys loved the play and kept asking when we were going again. Hmm... ‘Culture’ is cool, unfortunately it takes $$ to take 6 of us out.
Anyway, our next foray for the weekend was Pirates of the Caribbean III - At Worlds End. It was a movie and prizes event were a company also invited Make-a-Wish families. (Son #4 refused to go because he got scared at the first Pirates movie, so we took a cousin). Anyway, I won a hat and gave it to son #4 when we got home. The movie wasn’t that impressive. The action scenes were cool, the music was great, and Keith Richards from The Rolling Stones, fit the roll of Jack’s father pretty close. One glaring problem with the movie was the story line. It was SO hard to keep track of who’s doing what to whom and why. It was like channel surfing. I kept asking myself, “Why did they just do that?” and “I don’t understand why so and so is now fighting so and so when they were just making a deal 10 minutes ago.” Another problem throughout this series is the dialogue is still hard to follow. It’s hard enough to catch what they’re saying in real life, but combine heavy accents with an octopus makeup and no lips, and things go downhill from there.
Bottom line, I give it a 2 out of 4 boys rating. I’d wait for it to come to your local dollar theater...
At Church on Sunday son #4 kept asking to get home quickly. He had a treat ahead of him. Last week I put my dad’s MG on craigslist and on a couple of other places on the internet. I got tons of calls, and a lot of people looking at it. A guy who lives just a couple miles south of us came and bought it on Friday, but son #4 was not too happy with me for selling it. We took a few last pictures of him in it. (Here he’s protecting the MG with a squirt gun from the evil MG buyer.)
Anyway, son #4 started to cry when the guy came to pick it up. It was pretty heart wrenching. But, the guy was really cool and said, “Son #4, tell you what. How about I bring by another cool car on Sunday and take you for a drive?” Son #4 with a frown on his face, a big lower lip, and still looking at the ground, nodded yes. Ever since the guy drove the MG away, son #4 kept asking when the guy with the cool car would come back and give him a ride.
So, Sunday afternoon rolled around and son #4 was really excited. He kept asking me to call the guy and ask when he would be here. I didn’t want to appear too anxious, but I finally caved in. A couple hours later he drove up in this really sweet 1954 Corvette convertible. Son #4 said, “Wow!” He got a good 15 minute ride, but I knew what was coming next. The poor guy had to haul all 4 boys around the neighborhood too. But he was a good sport and said it wasn’t a problem. And, it turns out, he and my boys may be related.
His parents were from Star Valley Wyoming, and part of the Olsen family. (As in Merlin Olsen of the NFL, and Little House on the Prairie fame.) My sweet mother-in-law’s aunt was an Olsen from Star Valley. Well, it’s a little convoluted, but that’s what I get when I know my genealogy.
Speaking of convoluted, have you ever heard of “The Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon”? It was a popular 90’s game where you try to link actors or actresses with Kevin Bacon. It is said that everyone in Hollywood is within 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon. Here’s an example; Take a not very well known actress in Soap Operas name Ellen Wheeler. (ok, she’s at least not well known to me...)
Ellen Wheeler was in Without Evidence (1995) with W. Earl Brown W. Earl Brown was in Sugar & Spice (2001) with Rachel Blanchard Rachel Blanchard was in Where the Truth Lies (2005) with Kevin Bacon
So Ellen would be 3 degrees from Kevin bacon. Then I got to thinking. And yes, I am now famous. I am only 4 degrees from Kevin Bacon! Here’s how.
Marty is related to son #4 by birth. Son #4 is Merlin Olsen’s 1st cousin, twice removed. (true) Merlin Olsen was in Mitchell (1975) with Joe Don Baker Joe Don Baker was in Criminal Law (1988) with Kevin Bacon
I just have too much time on my hands... But, I couldn’t go camping this weekend, could I?? Ok, enough dumb stuff, I gotta get ready for the baseball game today!
Enjoy Today’s Jokes! Marty
Finally! Episode 8 of Chad Vader. You can see the Chad Vader Series starting with this issue...
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told her story. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded "Mrs. Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren. And you told her she was pregnant?" The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
Before I could visit my daughter at her naval base in Japan, I was told I needed to supply her with some important information to give to security. The list included the following: passport number, height, weight, year of birth and anticipated hair color at time of arrival.
On his way home from work recently, my husband came upon a 'Road Closed' sign. Undeterred, he maneuvered his truck around it and continued on. But he didn't get very far. The pavement ended, giving way to another, larger sign: "What Part of 'Road Closed' Didn't You Understand?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wednesday, May 23, 2007 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The big Memorial Day weekend approaches. I had big plans to go camping with the family, but it looks like the plans are slowly fading. We were leaving Friday after we picked up the boys, and staying out until Monday night. But, we were offered 6 free tickets through Candlelighters (Childhood cancer program) for Thoroughly Modern Millie at Hale Centre Theatre Friday. Then we were offered Pirates of the Caribbean III tickets on Saturday morning from Make-a-Wish, and then the baseball game with the ward was moved from Monday night to Monday afternoon because of the Jazz game. (Humpf. We’re down 0-2. I’m thinking we need a miracle against the Spurs...)
Anyway, the boys seemed more interested in going to ‘stuff’ than camping, so we’ll just play it by ear.
Enjoy Today’s Jokes! Marty
Here's some pictures of our MG that's for sale (with son #4 in the pics too!)
My partner and I were in our police car when we were dispatched to break up a domestic dispute. We spoke with the couple, and the problem was quickly resolved. On leaving, I was admiring the craftsmanship of their turn-of-the-century home and reached for what I thought was the front door. Realizing my mistake, I was turning away in embarrassment when I heard my partner say, "If you have any more problems, we'll be in your closet." ~Wanda D.
While visiting my son on his Army base, I chatted with a colleague of his. "What rank are you?" I asked. "I'm relieved to say that I've just been promoted from captain to major." "Relieved? Why?" "Because," he replied, "my last name is Hook."
Like a typical teenager, my fifteen-year-old son dreaded our family vacation at a seaside cottage in the middle of Boring Nowhere. But his eyes brightened when I said, "Did I tell you we'll be buying lobsters from Pamela Anderson? We'll even bike to her house to pick them up." Then his face grew dark as the horrible truth dawned: "There's more than one Pamela Anderson, isn't there?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Monday, May 21, 2007 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last week we went over to our neighbor’s home to practice the penny whistle for the trek. This neighbor is one of the sweetest, hardest working, and organized women I know. After our practice she asked if we wanted any home made chocolate sauce on ice cream. (Well duh...) it was the best I’d ever had, so I asked her for the recipe. (See the P.P.S. below). Then I made some on Friday night for the boys. Saturday my sweet wife and I were out, and our neighbor said that he stopped son #4 on the street that day. “How come your shirt is so dirty, what did you have for lunch?” Son #4 replied, “I think burritos and cottage cheese.” The neighbor replied, “Well, what’s all over your shirt?” Son #4 looked down at his shirt and suddenly remembered, “Oh, that was my after breakfast dessert, chocolate sauce!”
Then tonight for family night, we went to a concert of son #3’s and then out to dinner. During dinner son #4 needed to use the facilities. He asked me what the peanut shaped things in the urinal were, and I said they were things that made the bathroom smell fresher. When he was done and started to wash his hands, he got really wild with the water and soaked himself and his shirt. He ran back to the table before I could get him dried off any more.
“What happened to him?” my sweet wife said.
“He got a little wild with the...” and then I was cut off...
“Mom! There are these cool things in the bathroom that when you pee all over them, they smell good!”
My sweet wife looked at a soaking wet boy and then at me for an explanation.
I just smiled.
Enjoy Today’s Jokes! Marty
p.s. Here are the answers to last weeks quiz.
In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.
Chocolate sauce recipe
2 cubes butter (1 cup) – [Ok, I didn’t say it was low cal, did I?] 3 cups sugar ½ cup cocoa 1 12-oz. can of evaporated milk 1-2 teaspoons vanilla
Melt first four ingredients together in a heavy pan. (It will about double in size when boiling so get a bigger pot then you need. Ask me about my clean up...) Stir with a wire whip. Boil a total of one minutes only, stirring constantly. Remove from heat. Add vanilla. (Sauce will thicken after being cooled.) Store any leftovers in refrigerator. Makes 1 quart.
=-=-=- Here is something to do with your chocolate sauce besides eat it...
In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3 AM on very cold morning, Montana State Trooper, Allan Nixon #658, responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana. He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him. The driver came awake when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gear-shift into "drive" and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 MPH, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the trooper yelled, "PULL OVER!" The man nodded, turning his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to day the man from North Dakota was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the state trooper from Montana who could run 50 miles per hour. Who says troopers don't have a sense of humor?
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.
My husband and I found a charming bed-and-breakfast nestled in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. Though enchanted, I nonetheless had some questions about the accommodations. "Does the room have its own bath?" I asked. Nodding, the proprietor answered, "If no one else comes, it does."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tuesday, May 15, 2007 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ok, I told you I’d try harder this week. So, in between quarters, of the Jazz game, and now at half time, I’ll put together a few thoughts.
My dad left us a lot of antiques. One of the things he left was a 1954 MG TF sports car. It’s a cool looking car!
[not ours, not even close, but you get the idea]
So when I got home tonight, son #4 wanted me to drive him down the street, past the neighbor kids, so he could wave and show off. So I did. “Hey son #4, how are you!” they all yelled.
When we got back, I pulled a ice cream sandwich out of my pocket (that I had saved for son #3) and started to walk inside. “Hey dad, what’s that?” I replied, “It’s a treat for son #3.” He said, “But I want a treat...” I said, “But you just got to ride in the MG, son #3 didn’t. “But dad” he said, “that’s not a treat.” I looked at him and scoweled. “Oh?” I said. He thought for a second and said, “Well, at least it wasn’t a yummy treat!”
[Answer tomorrow, if you ask nicely...] <>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>~<>
As a high school football coach, I know that student athletes tend to focus too much on sports. Bob, a fellow coach, was talking about one such player, who called him at home one night. When his wife informed the kid that Bob wasn't home, he became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away. "Just calm down, and I'll have him call you as soon as he gets home," the coach's wife told him. "What's your number?" The flustered kid replied, "Three."
I called to make airline reservations and was put on hold. After several minutes of taped music, a recorded voice came on: "If you have been waiting longer than ten minutes, you may press eight. This will not speed up your call, but it will give you something to do while you wait."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Monday, May 14, 2007 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ok, so you take a little time of to study for finals, and the next day you make another excuse and it starts to become a habit. Then the Jazz games come up and it’s easy to use them as an excuse too. Well, I’ll try to be better at posting this week.
On Mother’s day morning, son #4 jumped out of bed, checked to make sure my sweet wife was still bed, and ran to the kitchen. He came back with a large carrot on a plate and a glass of water. My sweet wife said, “Oh, thank you so much son #4. That was very thoughtful. But why a carrot for breakfast?” He replied, “So you won’t have to clean the dishes mom.”
Hmm... very thoughtful boy.
We were watching the Jazz pummel the Warriors last night, and son #3 came running up and blurted out to everyone watching the game, “Son #4 just said the ‘F’ word! Son #4 just said the ‘F’ word!” I said, did you? He replied, “I didn’t know it was a bad word.”
Not knowing that he had ever heard of it, I asked him to whisper it into my ear. He did. (While everyone in the room looked on in silence). I asked him to say it again. He did. I whispered back, “Did that word end with a ‘D’ like doggie?” He said, “Yes, but I didn’t know it was a bad word.” I told him it was close, but wasn’t the real ‘F’ word. (Son #3 seemed disappointed and walked out of the room.) I told son #4 that he had better be careful what he said, and that he should watch his mouth.
Then, with all the candor of a 6 year old, and with a huge lower lip protruding off of his face, he said in a sad voice, “But I don’t know ~how` to watch my mouth.”
We all laughed at that!
Enjoy Today’s Jokes! Marty
Here’s an interesting article I came across. It seems a lady wanted to turn her dead father into a diamond. Sometimes lawsuits are worth filing.
An actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator.
The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart Senate Office Building Phone (202) 224 3254 Washington DC 20510
Dear Senator Harkin: As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.
My primary reason for wishing to change my status from US Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.
Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.
Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.
Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as "instate" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.
Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.
If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative.
Thank you for your assistance.
Your Loyal Constituent, Donald Ruppert Burlington, IA
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present ..
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
To all the Mothers out there HAPPY MOTHERS DAY, this one is for you!
We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack . Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom. Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chap stick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chap stick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chap stick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done. Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.
We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chap stick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.
And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.
And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chap stick on the cat's butt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Monday, May 07, 2007 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, my biology test went only fairly good. I pulled a passing grade, enough to get paid by my company (I hope!). But, I need to get into studying a bit more come this fall. I think 7 years without going to school has softened me up!
The boys are doing well. #1 and #2 went to EFY with me on Saturday. Both speakers were very funny and motivational. The first talked about how being tall growing up was hard. Her best comeback to someone in the airport saying, “Gee, you’re tall. I’ll bet you play basketball” was, “Gee, you’re short. You must play miniature golf.”
We also got to hear from a local semi-celebrity, John Bytheway. I mentioned him here. He was really good speaker too, and I think the boys and I came away trying to be better people, yet again...
Anyway, half time is about over in the Jazz game. Gotta run!
Enjoy Today’s Jokes! Marty
=-=-=- Deadly Handsome Men
Children See Children Do
What to wear when your wife asks you to do something
"It appears we have appointed our worst generals to command forces, and our most gifted and brilliant to edit newspapers! In fact, I discovered by reading newspapers that these editor/geniuses plainly saw all my strategic defects from the start, yet failed to inform me until it was too late. Accordingly, I'm readily willing to yield my command to these obviously superior intellects, and I'll, in turn, do my best for the Cause by writing editorials - after the fact." ~Robert E. Lee, 1863
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is Good . It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith." The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?" The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects. 2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. 4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. 5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.) 6. Be more or less specific. 8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary. 9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies. 10. No sentence fragments. 11. Don't use no double negatives. 12. Proffer carefully to see if you any words out. ~Debi S