7/24 - A few short stories

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Tuesday, July 24, 2007
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Yes, we’re still around and Its Christmas! (even though it’s
Pioneer day in Utah.)

Ok, it’s not really Christmas, but this month seems like a
December. Not because it’s cold. (We’ve had record days above 100º
this month) But, because this month is so darn busy!

Here are some updates, and some stories I can remember;

My Father’s estate; The antique auctioneer guy came and hauled all
of the antiques out of dad’s house. The auction is August 12th in
Ogden Utah, if anyone is interested.

We got my sweet wife’s little brother married off in Manti Utah.
It was on 07-07-07. I don’t think that Manti Temple has ever been
busier. They had something like 36 weddings there that day. On the
Friday before the wedding, we came down early and went fishing. I
caught 3 fish, but grandpa said I only caught 2 (and tied with
him). Probably because I let son #4 reel in one of my catches. But
I know I still out fished him! – At the reception when the groom
threw his new wife’s garter to the single males there, son #1
caught it. Now he just needs a girlfriend and a driver license!

Let’s see, what else? We’re getting a simple bath room remodel
done. But, our handy dude has gone missing for 3 days, and we’ve
got two huge holes in our basement floor, all the way to the dirt.
Looks like this is going to be a long job. [Huge update on this in
my next issue...]

A Funny; Son #4 said to my sweet wife today, “Mom this eye,”
(pointing to his “good” eye) “is for seeing. And this eye,”
(pointing to his totally blind eye) “is just for decoration.”

One last thing I can remember; Last night we took the Scout troop
up past Alta ski resort (at about 9200 feet) and had a quick camp
out. There were 6 Scouts sleeping in a large tent. There was a lot
of wile life around. We saw a full sized male moose wandering
through our camp, and heard several coyotes the next morning. But
that night, at 10:00 pm, I went over and told the boys to be
quiet. At 10:30 I did the same thing. Still no luck. At 11:00 I
had had enough. I quietly went over to the tent, started
‘sniffing’ and snorting. I moved the gravel around with my foot to
make them think something was out there. Then I scratched their
tent and made more noise. They kept on chatting. But, one boy
finally said, “What’s that? Be quiet! What was that?” After about
15 seconds they were all listening to me. Finally one boy stood
up, started to undue the window, and I growled really loud,
scaring all 6 of the boys, pretty good. They screamed and yelled,
and I finally said, “Now get to bed and be quiet this time!”



But, unfortunately, it was one of those, “Boy, that was a dumb
thing I did” moments. Those 6 boys were so scared, that they
stayed up most of the night scared to death of what was out there.
I even got a call from son #2 at 4:00 AM saying, “There’s a Moose
or an Elk sniffing outside my tent and I don’t know what to do!”
Yeah, right. At 4 AM while it’s pouring rain. Mr. Moose is bedded
down somewhere. Anyway, it was one of those nights.

I’ll tell you more about our Pioneer Trek adventure and “what’s
the worst thing that could happen to your house when you’re out
for a week” in my next issue.

Marty

6/14 - Take me out to the ball game...

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Thursday, June 14, 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last Saturday our neighborhood grocery store had a small car show.
We decided to run down and check it out. It was pretty cool and
had about a dozen cars that were really nice looking. They were
giving away a bunch of stuff, and they had the local minor league
baseball mascot there. (A Bee). They also had a pitcher from the
team there. The Salt Lake Bees are the minor league team for the
California Angels, and the pitcher even pitched for them last
year. (he came down because of an injury...)

Anyway, it was son #2’s Saturday, and I asked the pitcher if they
were playing that night. He said they were, and that he was even
pitching. So, son #2 and I headed down that night. Salt Lake has a
really nice stadium for AA ball. In fact, it’s been called the
nicest stadium in the country for minor league baseball. Anyway, I
digress...

So, the team lost. But I guess you have to lose a few to make
winning better, right? So, we called it a night and headed to the
parking lot, and I saw something on my windshield. I got a parking
ticket! What?? I parked correctly. What was this for? It was for
expired plates.

It seems the City of Salt Lake proper, exhibits absolutely no
compassion when it comes to expired plates. Take a look at the
ticket.





Notice the date the ticket was issued? June 9th. Notice the date
that my plates expired? May 31st. Nine stink’n days! How do you
like that? Now, I’ve had my plates expired at least 3 months
before. (more times than one...) and I never got a ticket. I guess
this one made up for it... stupid meter maids.

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comments;

Maybe if I send you more jokes, you'll be able to publish more
than once a week. Love Mom
~#1 mom

[Yeah, but they gotta be better than the one you sent! (Grin)]

Marty,
Just got back from vacation and read the jokes. My friend was in
Utah helping open that IKEA store. She works at the IKEA here in
Michigan. I've only been to the one here once, crowds aren't my
thing lol. That store is always packed and its been here for more
than a year I'm sure. I couldn't believe the deals that were in
there though. They have a lot of good quality products for dirt
cheap. Keep them jokes comming, I enjoy reading them all the
time.
~Crystal

[Thanks, now I just have to find time to get back there!]


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"Business analysts say that McDonald's is doing really well lately
because Americans have to spend more money on gas so they're going
to McDonald’s rather than more expensive restaurants. So
basically, as Americans have to spend more for oil they're looking
to pay less for grease."
~Jay Leno

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A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for
some free professional advice. "What kind of toy would you suggest
giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked.

"First I'd have to know more about the child," the psychologist
hedged.

The woman took a deep breath. "He's very bright and quick-witted
and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good
coordination, expresses himself very well..."

"Oh, I see," the psychologist said, "It's YOUR child!"

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A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the
bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in
the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very
carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's
foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the
foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and
the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to
face the man and stared at him intently. For a long minute the man
stood frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of
that day. One day the man was walking through the zoo with his
son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the
rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this
was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly, then it continued to stare at
him. The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and
made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around
one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along
the railing, killing him.

Turns out, it wasn’t the same elephant.

5/28 - Memorial Day Fun!

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Monday, May 28, 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy Memorial Day! I thought I’d do a quick post this morning.
Our weekend has been pretty eventful so far. We all went to
Thoroughly Modern Millie on Friday. At first son #4 didn’t want to
go. The only thing he’s ever heard about Hale Centre Theater
(where the play was) was the accident where a stage hand got
caught in the moving stage. Before we went, son #4 kept asking if
anyone else was going to get hurt when the stage moved. When we
got there, he acted like he didn’t want to be there at all. But
about 5 minutes into the show when the stage moved for the first
time, his eyes got big and he said, “That was cool mom!” He loved
the show and stood on his chair and clapped at the end. All 4 boys
loved the play and kept asking when we were going again. Hmm...
‘Culture’ is cool, unfortunately it takes $$ to take 6 of us out.

Anyway, our next foray for the weekend was Pirates of the
Caribbean III - At Worlds End. It was a movie and prizes event
were a company also invited Make-a-Wish families. (Son #4 refused
to go because he got scared at the first Pirates movie, so we took
a cousin). Anyway, I won a hat and gave it to son #4 when we got
home. The movie wasn’t that impressive. The action scenes were
cool, the music was great, and Keith Richards from The Rolling
Stones, fit the roll of Jack’s father pretty close. One glaring
problem with the movie was the story line. It was SO hard to keep
track of who’s doing what to whom and why. It was like channel
surfing. I kept asking myself, “Why did they just do that?” and “I
don’t understand why so and so is now fighting so and so when they
were just making a deal 10 minutes ago.” Another problem
throughout this series is the dialogue is still hard to follow.
It’s hard enough to catch what they’re saying in real life, but
combine heavy accents with an octopus makeup and no lips, and
things go downhill from there.

Bottom line, I give it a 2 out of 4 boys rating. I’d wait for it
to come to your local dollar theater...

At Church on Sunday son #4 kept asking to get home quickly. He had
a treat ahead of him. Last week I put my dad’s MG on craigslist
and on a couple of other places on the internet. I got tons of
calls, and a lot of people looking at it. A guy who lives just a
couple miles south of us came and bought it on Friday, but son #4
was not too happy with me for selling it. We took a few last
pictures of him in it. (Here he’s protecting the MG with a squirt
gun from the evil MG buyer.)



Anyway, son #4 started to cry when the guy came to pick it up. It
was pretty heart wrenching. But, the guy was really cool and said,
“Son #4, tell you what. How about I bring by another cool car on
Sunday and take you for a drive?” Son #4 with a frown on his face,
a big lower lip, and still looking at the ground, nodded yes. Ever
since the guy drove the MG away, son #4 kept asking when the guy
with the cool car would come back and give him a ride.

So, Sunday afternoon rolled around and son #4 was really excited.
He kept asking me to call the guy and ask when he would be here. I
didn’t want to appear too anxious, but I finally caved in. A
couple hours later he drove up in this really sweet 1954 Corvette
convertible. Son #4 said, “Wow!” He got a good 15 minute ride, but
I knew what was coming next. The poor guy had to haul all 4 boys
around the neighborhood too. But he was a good sport and said it
wasn’t a problem. And, it turns out, he and my boys may be
related.

His parents were from Star Valley Wyoming, and part of the Olsen
family. (As in Merlin Olsen of the NFL, and Little House on the
Prairie fame.) My sweet mother-in-law’s aunt was an Olsen from
Star Valley. Well, it’s a little convoluted, but that’s what I get
when I know my genealogy.





Speaking of convoluted, have you ever heard of “The Six Degrees of
Kevin Bacon”? It was a popular 90’s game where you try to link
actors or actresses with Kevin Bacon. It is said that everyone in
Hollywood is within 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon. Here’s an example;
Take a not very well known actress in Soap Operas name Ellen
Wheeler. (ok, she’s at least not well known to me...)

Ellen Wheeler was in Without Evidence (1995) with W. Earl Brown
W. Earl Brown was in Sugar & Spice (2001) with Rachel Blanchard
Rachel Blanchard was in Where the Truth Lies (2005) with Kevin Bacon

So Ellen would be 3 degrees from Kevin bacon. Then I got to
thinking. And yes, I am now famous. I am only 4 degrees from Kevin
Bacon! Here’s how.

Marty is related to son #4 by birth.
Son #4 is Merlin Olsen’s 1st cousin, twice removed. (true)
Merlin Olsen was in Mitchell (1975) with Joe Don Baker
Joe Don Baker was in Criminal Law (1988) with Kevin Bacon

I just have too much time on my hands... But, I couldn’t go
camping this weekend, could I?? Ok, enough dumb stuff, I gotta get
ready for the baseball game today!

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-

Finally! Episode 8 of Chad Vader.
You can see the Chad Vader Series starting with this issue...



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A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of
the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination
room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older
doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told her
story. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where
the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter
with you?" the older doctor demanded "Mrs. Reid is 62 years old,
has four grown children and seven grandchildren. And you told her
she was pregnant?" The younger doctor continued writing and
without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

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Before I could visit my daughter at her naval base in Japan, I was
told I needed to supply her with some important information to
give to security. The list included the following: passport
number, height, weight, year of birth and anticipated hair color
at time of arrival.

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On his way home from work recently, my husband came upon a 'Road
Closed' sign. Undeterred, he maneuvered his truck around it and
continued on. But he didn't get very far. The pavement ended,
giving way to another, larger sign: "What Part of 'Road Closed'
Didn't You Understand?"

5/7 - Test - Talk - and Jazz

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Monday, May 07, 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, my biology test went only fairly good. I pulled a passing
grade, enough to get paid by my company (I hope!). But, I need to
get into studying a bit more come this fall. I think 7 years
without going to school has softened me up!

The boys are doing well. #1 and #2 went to EFY with me on
Saturday. Both speakers were very funny and motivational. The
first talked about how being tall growing up was hard. Her best
comeback to someone in the airport saying, “Gee, you’re tall. I’ll
bet you play basketball” was, “Gee, you’re short. You must play
miniature golf.”

We also got to hear from a local semi-celebrity, John Bytheway. I
mentioned him here. He was really good speaker too, and I think
the boys and I came away trying to be better people, yet again...

Anyway, half time is about over in the Jazz game. Gotta run!

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Deadly Handsome Men


Children See Children Do


What to wear when your wife asks you to do something


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"It appears we have appointed our worst generals to command
forces, and our most gifted and brilliant to edit newspapers! In
fact, I discovered by reading newspapers that these
editor/geniuses plainly saw all my strategic defects from the
start, yet failed to inform me until it was too late. Accordingly,
I'm readily willing to yield my command to these obviously
superior intellects, and I'll, in turn, do my best for the Cause
by writing editorials - after the fact."
~Robert E. Lee, 1863

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One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that
goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two
"wolves" inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy,
sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment,
inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is
Good . It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness,
benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his
grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

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*Rules for Writers*

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)
6. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Don't use no double negatives.
12. Proffer carefully to see if you any words out.
~Debi S

4/11 - Monoposponsbility

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Wednesday, April 11, 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The older boys have a rough time with grades at the beginning of
the quarter. If they don’t get high enough, they can’t play
computer or watch TV. At the beginning of the quarter, one late 15
point assignment can really kill their grades. So, both #1 and #2
are down for a few days. Hopefully, the banishment will be short
lived.

Now, on the other hand, it’s great that they get off of the
computer and do ~something~. After homework tonight they got out
the old Monopoly game. (That and Risk are my two favorite games in
the entire world.) When I came upstairs tonight, they were yelling
at each other just like young boys should, and the next second
they were all laughing together. They did me proud.

One thing I’ve always tried to teach my boys is, if they get in
trouble and earn a punishment, admit it if they are wrong, and
take the punishment like a man. No whining. My boys do a pretty
good job at it. But, in today’s world, it’s not easy with all of
the poor roll models around. People are such whiners and don’t
take responsibility for their actions. I say, if you’ve done
something wrong, fess up, take your lumps, and learn from it.
You’ll be twice the person for doing so. The people who say, “It’s
not my fault” (when it is) or “I did it because of this, that, or
the other thing,” or “I had a rough life...” really get my goat. I
had an experience today that just made me shake my head. Some
people are just... corrupt. I’ll have to tell you about it
someday.

But now, it’s time to watch the last episode of Chad Vader. It’s a
cliff hanger too...

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comments

Hi Marty,
I seldom disagree with you, but don't you think you're being
paranoid about the phone numbers? I went through my address book
and picked out 10 people I know and entered their numbers in
Google and NONE came up with addresses. I did put in my dentist
and it was a hit, but if I have his number I can just call him and
ask for the address. As for children, they are much more likely to
tell a stranger their name than their phone number. Since at least
back to the `30's you could look up names in a thing called a
Phone Book and find an address. With an address you can
look at a thing called a Map and find the house. [In Utah you
seldom need a map with the grid system of numbering] It looks
like computers distort some people's view of reality. Bottom line;
Children should be aware of strangers and information.
Randy in Sacramento

[Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men. Only The .......
knows.] [Who can tell me what radio program THAT was from?
Actually Randy, I tend to agree with you somewhat, but it makes
for good filler don’t it? (grin)]

Marty, I have not been able to figure out how to block my phone #.
I clicked on my # everytime I saw it, to no avail. It's scary to
think that someone could find my house that easily!!
Love your BLOG!
I just started school, too, so I know how hard that can be.
Sally

[Sorry, can’t help ya. Randy might know... hehehe]

=-=-=-
Cool Pictures from cool places. (Thanks to reader Doug L. for
these gems!)

These pictures are of Ithaa, the unique undersea restaurant that
opened at the Hilton Maldives Resort & Spa Rangali Island in April
2005. Ithaa - a word meaning "pearl" in the local Dhivehi language
- is a tiny restaurant by resort hotel standards (it seats only
12), but it offers diners a "spectacular underwater view of
colorful fish, sharks and other sea life in the surrounding coral
reefs through curved, transparent acrylic walls." Guests begin
their visits with drinks on a deck overhanging the Indian Ocean,
then descend to the restaurant (16 feet underwater) via a spiral
staircase, where they indulge in meals of contemporary Maldivian
fusion cuisine served in four courses. (The cost per person for
dinner ranges from $187 to $220.)















=-=-=-

Lots of pictures today, so only one video.
Chad Vader Episode 7 (The last one, for now...)



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Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In
her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce,
and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage,
but it was too late to cook up another batch.

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern.
They advised Becky to just boil the sauce again and it should be
fine.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests
volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called
out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the
spaghetti sauce turned out."

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You're not a kid anymore when ...

* The only reason you're awake at 4 a.m. is indigestion.

* You are proud of your lawnmower.

* 8 a.m. is your idea of "sleeping in."

* People call you at 8 p.m. and ask: "Did I wake you?"

* Your high school diploma is the color of buttermilk.

* Nobody ever tells you to slow down.

* You've seen Halley's Comet ... twice.

* You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
~Wanda D.

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When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, "Son, when
you grow up, you can marry any girl you please."

When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I
could not please any of them.

4/10 - Oh Crap!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Darn, if I shoulda, woulda, coulda, studied a bit more for my test
today, I could have done better. But, everything is pulling my
strings every which way. (Then my #1 mom sends me a letter that I
put in our 3rd joke spot today. Just a wee bit more pressure.
[grin] Although I did invite her to lunch last Friday which she
politely declined...) Anyway, I won’t know what the results of my
Biology test until Thursday and no sense worrying about it now. I
just need a good enough grade so work will pay for the classes.

While I was at school, my sweet wife went to her ISA meeting.
and son #1 was at Scouts. So, #2, #3 and #4 were at Grandmas. I
stopped by to pick them up and they were watching the history
channel. It was “All About Plumbing” or something like that. They
were really interested, especially when they showed the inventor
of the flush toilet, Thomas Crapper. The boys were rolling on
the floor laughing when the lady said, “and people started saying
where going to the crapper, because that’s what the toilet said
on it.” The boys thought that was the funniest thing in the world.
Then they started getting even sillier telling Crapper joke.
Even son #4 got into the act. But, when we started to leave I got
serious and told them, “Ok, enough Thomas Crapper jokes. We’ve
had our fun, but that’s the end. Ok?” They stopped joking but
were still smiling.

I actually have a pretty good bunch of boys. They know when to
have fun, and when to stop. At least most of the time...

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Headline news;

Remember the female Marine who was captured by Iran for 13 days.
Pretty interesting what she said to Ahmadinejad before she left.
I’d have thought about giving him what-for, but not sure I would
have...

Faye's blast at squirming tyrant
GUTSY Faye Turney turned the tables on Iranian tyrant Mahmoud
Ahmadinejad as he freed her in front of TV cameras — making
him SQUIRM.

=-=-=-
Today’s Video Section

Here’s a cool little video that was on Good Morning America. This
guy made a cool video of kitchen sounds. It’s “A song made
entirely with things I found in my kitchen. It starts slow, but
gets going fast! It carries a reference to my previous video
'Pancakes'. As seen on ABC's Good Morning America!”

Beat Soufflé


And, of course, it couldn’t be a whole day without
Chad Vader episode 6!


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My sister-in-law Bonnie was very busy one day working in her
house. She had just gotten to the basement after quite a few trips
up and down when she heard the telephone ring upstairs. Tiredly,
she ran back up the stairs only to hear a solicitor on the other
end. "Hello, is this Bonnie D?"

"Yes."

"We are calling people in your area and would like to know if you
would help us by participating in a brief survey."

Without missing a beat, she told them, "I'm very busy right now.
You will have to survey your own briefs."


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Google has implemented a new feature which enables you to type a
telephone number into the search bar and hit enter and you will be
given the person's name and address. If you then hit MapQuest, you
will get a map to the person's house. Everyone should be aware of
this! It's a nationwide reverse telephone book.

If a child gives out his/her phone number, someone can now look it
up to find out where he/she lives. The safety issues are obvious,
and alarming.

Note that you can have your phone number removed or blocked. I
tried my number and it came up along with the mapquest and
directions straight to our house. I did fill out the removal form
for myself, and encourage all of you to do the same. Quite scary.

Please look up your own number.

In order to test whether your phone number is mapped, go to:
google (http://www.google.com/) Type your phone number in the
search bar (i.e. 555-555-1212) and hit enter. If you want to BLOCK
Google from divulging your private information, simply click on
your telephone number and then click on the Removal Form. Removal
takes 48-hours.

Check your own number and although this may not apply to you if
you have an unlisted number or cell phone as primary contact, but
you may know someone who needs to know this.

Please share this information with friends and family.


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After 21 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another
woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, "I love you, but I know
this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with
you."

The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER, who
has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my
three children had made it possible to visit her only
occasionally.

That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a
movie.

"What's wrong, are you well," she asked?

My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call
or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news.

"I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you,"
I responded. "Just the two of us."

She thought about it for a moment, and then said, "I would like
that very much."

That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit
nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too,
seemed to be nervous about our date.

She waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled her hair
and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last
wedding anniversary.

She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel's. "I told
my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were
impressed," she said, as she got into the car. "They can't wait to
hear about our meeting."

We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice
and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady.

After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only
read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes
and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on
her lips. "It was I who used to have to read the menu when you
were small," she said.

"Then it's time that you relax and let me return the favor," I
responded.

During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation, nothing
extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other's
life. We talked so much that we missed the movie.

As we arrived at her house later, she said, "I'll go out with you
again, but only if you let me invite you." I agreed.

"How was your dinner date?" asked my wife when I got home. "Very
nice. Much more so than I could have imagined," I answered.

A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It
happened so suddenly that I didn't have a chance to do anything
for her.

Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a
restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined.


An attached note said: "I paid this bill in advance. I wasn't sure
that I could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two plates –
one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what
that night meant for me. I love you, son."

At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: "I
LOVE YOU" and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve.
Nothing in life is more important than your family. Give them the
time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off till
"some other time".

4/7 - How many activities can you pack into one day?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saturday, April 07, 2007
[Our 450th post!]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a busy Saturday. We went to an Easter Egg Hunt, Home Depot
Kids workshop, trap shooting, and Geocaching. (I’ll get to that
studying soon, I promise...) I’ve posted a couple of pics online of
the boys today.

Also, some have asked where Chad Vader episode 4 is. It’s now
posted. Enjoy!

And, speaking of shooting and clay pigeons, I’m also posted “clay
pigeons are for wimps” video online.

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

p.s. Oops, almost forgot. Happy Easter tomorrow!

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Son #1 shooting - Look at the ear plugs. I'm such a good dad...


Sons #2 and 3 at the kids workshop.
Notice how they never argue about anything...


Son #4 at Kids work shop

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Chad Vader Episode 4


Clay Pigeons are for Wimps

3/28 - Quiet Scouts?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok, 90% of the time I drive alone. Mostly to work or school. So, I
don’t often get to drive with a bunch of people, except when the
family is going somewhere, or sometimes on Scout nights. Tonight
was a Scout night. We went downtown to see some national historic
buildings for the Citizen in the Nation Merit Badge.

There were only 2 leaders tonight and 10 boys. Can you imagine how
loud 5 12 and 13 year old boys can be in a car? I was dreading the
loud drive downtown, but I remembered a gift that Santa brought
my boys last Christmas. A portable DVD player. When son #2 and I
got ready to go, I grabbed it and brought it along.

I think a portable DVD player is the best investment that Santa
ever made! I had the SPL in the front seat, and we had a half way
serious conversation. In the rear view mirror there were 8 eyes
glued to Time Bandits on the back of my seat. It was wonderful!

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comments

Marty,
The blonde video is hilarious! I laughed my face off! Have a
great day!
~Lani L.

=-=-=-
News and Headlines section


Mysterious hexagon spotted above Saturn

=-=-

Illegal immigrants allowed at least five strikes
Border-crossings guidelines revealed amid probe into U.S. attorney firings

=-=-

Marines ban big, garish tattoos

=-=-=-

Today’s Video
Eddie Griffin crashes a 1.5 million dollar Ferrari Enzo


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Kid Wisdom

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't
answer.

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.

Stay away from prunes.

Don't pull your dad's finger when he tells you to.

Never leave your three-year-old brother in the same room as
your school assignment.

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.

Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when
she's on the phone.
~Debi S

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Okay, you've heard of Murphy's famous Law: Everything that can go
wrong will go wrong. Well, there are many other related Laws. Here
are some:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin
to itch.
--Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair

Identical parts aren't. --Beach's Law

Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
corner.
--Anthony's Law of the Workshop

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
--Tussman's Law

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
--Lowery's Law

The solution to a problem changes the problem.
--Peer's Law

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be
solved by brute strength and ignorance.
--William's Law

Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology.
2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.

Machines should work. People should think.
--IBM's Pollyanna Principle:

The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the
place where they can do the least damage - management.
--The Dilbert Principle

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
--Ehrlich's Law

It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you
are in a hurry.
--Ralph's Observation

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat
tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
--Cannon's Comment

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IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different
prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3
weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday
of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell
only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by

the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any
more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times
a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with
your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase
your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have
enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't
use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint
you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall
and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the
bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I
already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is
used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of
problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if
I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the
$200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a quart"
signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in
half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second
half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have
labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty
cans.

Customer: The heck with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for
your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from
someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall
and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that
if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which
you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in
one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference
on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now,
sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.
~Uncle Butter

3/15 - Earth, Moon, Stars, and Son.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, March 15, 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tonight I was feeling like I had been sitting all day long.
“Anyone wanna go for a walk with me?” Son #4 said sure. Everyone
else was busy. It was about 8:45, almost time for his bed, but we
went anyway. We walked about 4 blocks hand in hand. We talked
about the sun, moon, and the stars. He said something about the
sun coming up, and I said, “Actually, the earth spins, and moves
around the sun.” That was a foreign concept to him. He stopped,
stood looking at a wood fence and said, “No, look dad. The fence
isn’t moving.” So, we talked about basket balls, flash lights, and
a golf ball (as the moon). He still didn’t get it, so when we got
home I got the globe and a flashlight out. Son #2 helped. When we
were done explaining it to him, he said, “Cool! Let’s do it
again!”

So we did.



Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

p.s. Here’s a cool site. At least if you’re older than me...
Do you remember these?
~Wanda D.

p.p.s. Keep reading down to our first joke spot. It’s the
compliment game. Read on...

=-=-=-

Reader Comments

Marty, don't know if you remember your subscriber in HK. Had hoped
to visit you when I came back for conference this year, but won't
have that opportunity. Jill and I have been asked to serve for
three years as the mission president in Mongolia beginning July 1.
You will soon be able to add Mongolia to the list of countries
where you have subscribers. So glad to hear that things are going
well with your son's health issues.
~Allen A

[Wow! Mongolia. What a cool place to be...]

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The Compliment Game...

The Game is on! Describe me in one word.... just one single word.
Send it to me and to me only. Then send this message to all your
friends and see how many strange & interesting things they say
about you. This is really fun.

Here's how:
1. Hit the reply key and send me my one word.
2. Then return to this message and forward it to your friends
(including me) and see what people say about you!

The Game's On!!!!!

[Change the subject line to “The Compliment Game...” I’ll give you
some results next week.]

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One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub, only to
find the place packed with young people. At 40, we felt old, but
before we could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man
approached us.

"Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I thought.

Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my
friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You were my third grade
teacher."

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So, it's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:

Is it the right time?

Is anyone watching?

Does your partner even want to?

Is your breath fresh?

And the big question... Should you use some tongue?

Then you lean in and just go for it!!!






~#1 Mom

2/28 - Parent Teacher Ref

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tonight was Parent Teacher conference. I got home late from work,
and I wanted to go play racquet ball with son #1 and his Scouts
tonight, so my sweet wife and I ran to school the second I got
home from work. Both son #1 and #2 got so/so reports. One teacher
said that my son was very smart, but... um... and I said, “lazy?”
she smiled and said, well, yes. I said, Hmm... the apple doesn’t
fall far from the tree. I think I’ve got that syndrome too.

Anyway, when we got home, my sweet wife and I sat each of them
down after dinner and talked to them about their school work. I
think we kind of balance each other out; she being the mom in the
stands type, yelling, “You can do it, go, go!” and me more of the
referee on the court blowing the whistle every time there’s a
foul. It’s not that easy, but I think dad needs to get in the
stands a little more often and do some cheering.

But, a week or so ago son #1 did finally get his grades up enough
that he was allowed to play on his computer. I know the exact date
and time too; with my Vonage phone service, I can go online and
see every call that was made from my house. The second son #1 was
ungrounded, he loaded up a video game and called his cousin. And
in the next 7 days he called him 55 times. For 200+ minutes. He
used up 40% of my monthly minutes in a week. I didn’t give him a
really hard time, because it’s been so long since he got to use
his computer.

Anyway, son #1 and I had a good time playing racquet ball tonight,
but I’ll be sore tomorrow.

Enjoy today’s Jokes
(I really like the first one today)

Marty

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There's no doubt history is in the making with the 2008
presidential race. We may have either the first Black president,
the first Woman president, or the first Mormon president. Why not
kill three birds with one stone - elect Gladys Knight president
and call it a day."





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I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened
criminal.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number
on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on
shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

The optometrist fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of
himself. [That's a story that lens itself.]

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in
Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd
dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done
~Ruby C.

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"I love those signs along the highway that say, 'Litter Removal
Next 2 Miles.' That's when I start chucking my trash out the
window."
~Scott Wood

"The sure way to tell if a man is a bachelor is to check his
silverware. If it's chewed up from going through the garbage
disposal a few times, he's for real."
~Nick Arnette

1/15 - Cold prep work

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday, January 15, 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brr... It’s a cold cold night out there. I took the garbage out
without a coat on, and when I got back I yelled, “WOW! It’s cold
out there!” (Ok, it’s only about 8º right now, but it’s still
cold...) Son #2 and #4 said, “Let me see!” So, son #4 went out
without a shirt and neither boy had shoes on. Son #4 was back in
about 10 seconds. Son #2 said, “I could stay out here all night,
it’s not cold.” We all stood by the door as he looked at the sky
and watched his breath. When he knocked on the door about 2
minutes later he said, “My feet are cold. Let me get some shoes on
and I’ll go right back outside.” He came in, but never went back
out.

Ok, so it’s just a little cold here. The guy on the radio said
Roosevelt Utah was -30º last night, but my dad’s town of Randolph
(which is usually the coldest) was only -24º I’m disappointed in
the old town. They can do better than that!

So, 98% of you reading this issue will have a warm furnace and
electricity tonight. But, what would happen if... Maybe we should
all think about getting a 72 hour kit for our homes and maybe a
contingency plan if things went bad quickly.

Keep warm...

Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty



=-=-=-
Reader Comments

Heya Marty:
Uh, listen, I regret to have to tell you this, but even though
your sweet wife was not there to hear what you told #4 about how
fifty cents would allow him to pass gas twice at the dinner table
which would cause him to put his money in the pizza jar, I am
positive that your dear son, with normal 5 year old enthusiasm
will tell her all about it. So you might get double your trouble
that way. :) Just a thought from a mom who's been there... Keep
up the great jokes and family stories.
Shannon in Nevada

[Somehow she found out. Maybe she snuck into my computer and read
the JOTD issue. Grin]

Marty, If your school costs arent reimbursed by your employer,
you can always use them as a tax deduction next year (because it
is work related). Amber K.

[True... but, can I have work pay for it and take the deduction?
Naw, not the right thing to do...]

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Noah was standing at the gangplank checking off the pairs of
animals when he saw three camels trying to get on board. "Wait a
minute!" he said. "Two each is the limit. One of you will have to
stay behind." "It won't be me," said the first camel. "I'm the
camel whose back is broken by the last straw." "I'm the one people
swallow while straining at a gnat," said the second. "And I am the
one that shall pass through the eye of a needle sooner than a rich
man shall enter heaven." said the third. "Well, I guess you had
better all come in," said Noah, "the world is going to need all of
you."

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Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I
work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise.
"Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed
limit is in our parking lot?" The long silence that followed was
interrupted when one of them piped up. "That depends. Do you mean
coming in to work or leaving?"
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"I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning
experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've
done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid."
~P. J. O'Rourke