Marty's Joke of the Day

Marty's Joke of the day is an internet column that I've written for more than 5 years.
I tell humorous stories about my "sweet wife" and raising our 4 young sons, named #1, #2, #3, and #4.
After 5 years of story telling, in August of 2005, doctors found a brain tumor in son #4.
Our focus here has changed little as we still try to find humor in our lives.

Monday, July 31, 2006

7/31 - Bear doing the Conga

Monday, July 31, 2006

There was nothing too exciting this weekend. Son #1 came home from
summer camp Saturday afternoon. They went up to Jackson Hole and
rafted down the river several times. He didn’t say too much about
it, other than he had a lot of fun. On Sunday, his leader said,
“Oh, did son #1 tell you about the grizzly bear we saw in our
camp?” Um, no.

Guess some things aren’t as impressive to a young teen.

Tonight for family night we played the game “Conga”. On one of our
brain tumor message boards, a lady said one company had given her
“way too much stuff” and wanted to give away some of it. So she
sent the game Conga to us.

Conga is a guessing game. You draw a card and come up with a word
or number. (IE: How many times a day do you laugh?) All of the
others try to guess the word or number before the timer goes off.
There are 4 different ways of letting others know what word you’ve
chosen. If it’s a number, you tell them higher or lower after each
guess. If you write down a word, depending on the card you draw,
you give the first letter of the word, act out the word, or create
the object with play-dough.

Son #4 and my sweet wife were on a team together. The question on
their card was, “What is something you’re glad you don’t have to
eat.” They had to sculpt it out with clay. Son #4 whispered
something into my sweet wife’s ear, and she said, “What??” he said
it again, and she said, “Ok... I guess...”

My sweet wife started rolling out small pickle sized objects, and
putting them on the table. After several wrong answers were
blurted out, son #1 guessed, “Crap!” my sweet wife raised her
hands and said, “YES! You guessed it, we get points!”

Son #4 looked at her and said, “No mom! I said cra-BUH not crap! I
said I’m glad I don’t have to eat crab!”


Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment sections

Hey Marty,
I saw "Pirates" last weekend with my husband, we were previewing
it to see if our 5 year old can see it in the theater (we decided
no). Anyway, I understood what was being said, and got all the
little things my hubby didn't, as he hasn't seen our DVD of the
first movie for some time. Yes, there will be a third movie, it's
being filmed now, from what I understand. We can beat the theater
you went to. We live near a small town, whose movies just
expanded to 7 screens. You pay $4 to get in, kid or adult. They
have the big screens, stadium seating, and the previews are only
for 1 or 2 movies that are coming. Now what's funny to us, the
stadium seating theater has only 5 or 6 rows to it. Up close and
personal to the movie. They pop their own popcorn there too,
where you can see it done.
Jen B. – Ohio
[Wow, do you have your own remote control too?]

Thanks a lot! The next time you're going to spoil the end of a
movie for us, give us a warning first ; ) Anyway, it was still an
awesome movie! Did you stay through all the credits to watch the
final scene?
Justin's favorite sister in AZ
[No, tell me what happens!]


I was an air-traffic controller stationed at Selfridge Air
National Guard Base in Michigan. One morning we picked up a
Montana National Guard passenger aircraft. Instead of identifying
the plane by its five-digit tail number, its pilot radioed,
"Selfridge Approach, this is Pig Sty One." As we were taught to
refer to aircraft by whatever call sign the pilot used, the
controller thereafter called the craft "Pig Sty One." Just after
touching down, the pilot contacted the tower. "Selfridge," he
said, "our call sign is not 'Pig Sty One.' It is 'Big Sky One,'
and we have the governor of Montana on board!"
~Wanda D.


A guest at dinner noticed the small family dog looking hungrily at
every bite she took. Finally she took a small piece of meat from
her plate and held it up for him. "Speak!" she said to the
dog. The dog answered, "Under the circumstances, I hardly
know what to say!"


My husband was delighted when our 3-year-old daughter climbed up
onto his knee and said, "Daddy, you're handsome." But his grin
quickly faded when she added, "and I'm Gretel."

Thursday, July 27, 2006

7/27 - Land Ho! He's back!

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Ok, at least I have a plausible excuse for not doing a JOTD issue
last night. I had to travel to Richfield again to support my 4
clinics in central Utah. I decided since last month I took my
sweet wife, and since the boys could only go during the summer,
and since son #1 is in Jackson Hole running the river with his
Scout group, I’d take son #2 with me. He said he had a great time.
(He should have, I fed him enough!) He also begged me to go see
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest at the Reel
Theater in downtown Richfield.

So we did. Richfield is a town of about 7000 people, and it’s
pretty much in the middle of no where. The people are way cool,
but you have to drive for awhile to get there... Anyway, the
theater was the only one for miles around. It had a smaller screen
than most theaters I’ve been in, but what was really cool was
where you paid. It looked like it was built in the 60’s and was
just a little counter and window. It was kind of a homey type
theater. And the price was right too. For a regular, non-matinee
show (8PM), it was only $5.50 for me and $3.50 for son #2. Such a

But, if you’ve seen the movie, email me. I liked it; it was
adventuresome, loads of action, and pretty good story line, but, I
couldn’t understand about 30% of what was said. I don’t know if it
was the sound at the theater or the movie itself. Some of the
characters were hard to lip read too. (Like the octopus head
guy...) But, I guess that’s what the DVD and closed caption is for
right? It’s probably a conspiracy to get you to buy the DVD.

And, I’ve heard that this movie is ripe for a sequel. Only I don’t
believe it. Jack Sparrow dies at the end. And there’s no way he
can get out of THAT predicament, right?

Have a great weekend!

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

The lady at the Rubber Ducky Derby emailed me and said “Thanks!”
for all of you who are buying rubber duckies for the derby next

Remember, if you win the car, my family gets a ride!!

Reader Comment sections


I was shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous button that
said, "It might look like I'm doing nothing, but on a cellular
level, I'm quite busy." I showed it to her, and her response was,
"Oh, I should buy that one, I'm always talking on mine."


An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the
hospital where I work. He looked quite concerned at one
notation. "I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't
realize I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I
didn't offend anyone." He was greatly relieved when I explained
the acronym in question meant "Short Of Breath" and not what he


[verified with snopes - http://www.snopes.com/crime/warnings/creditcard.asp ]

We all receive emails all the time regarding one scam or another;
but last week I REALLY DID get scammed! Both VISA and MasterCard
told me that this scam is currently being worked throughout the
Midwest, with some variance as to the product or amount, and if
you are called, just hang up.

My husband was called on Wednesday from "VISA" and I was called in
Thursday from "MasterCard". It worked like this: Person calling
says, "This is Carl Patterson (any name) and I'm calling from the
Security and Fraud department at VISA. My Badge number is 12460.
Your card has been flagged for an unusual purchase pattern, and
I'm calling to verify. This would be on your VISA card issued by
5/3 bank. Did you purchase an Anti-Telemarketing Device for
$497.99 from a marketing company based in Arizona?"

When you say "No". The caller continues with, "Then we will be
issuing a credit to your account. This is a company we have been
watching and the charges range from $297 to $497, just under the
$500 purchase pattern that flags most cards. Before your next
statement, the credit will be sent to (gives you your address), is
that correct?"

You say, "Yes". The caller continues . . . "I will be starting a
fraud investigation. If you have any questions, you should call
the 800 number listed on your card 1-800-VISA and ask for
Security. you will need to refer to this Control #". Then gives
you a 6 digit number. "Do you need me to read it again?" Caller
then says he "needs to verify you are in possession of your card.
Turn the card over. There are 7 numbers; first 4 are 1234
(whatever) the next 3 are the security numbers that verify you are
in possession of the card. These are the numbers you use to make
internet purchases to prove you have the card. Read me the 3
numbers." Then he says "That is correct. I just needed to verify
that the card has not been lost or stolen, and that you still have
your card. Do you have any other questions? Don't hesitate to call
back if you do."

You actually say very little, and they never ask for or tell you
the card number. But after we were called on Wednesday, we called
back within 20 minutes to ask a question. Are we glad we did! The
REAL VISA security dept. told us it was a scam and in the last 15
minutes a new purchase of $497.99 WAS put on our card.

Long story made short . . . we made a real fraud report and closed
the VISA card and they are reissuing as a new number. What the
scam wants is the 3 digit number and that once the charge goes
through, they keep charging every few days. By the time you get
your statement, you think the credit is coming, and then its
harder to actually file a fraud report. The real VISA reinforced
that they will never ask for anything on the card (they already

What makes this more remarkable is that on Thursday, I got a call
from "Jason Richardson of MasterCard" with a word for word repeat
of the VISA Scam. This time I didn't let him finish. I hung up.

We filed a police report (as instructed by VISA), and they said
they are taking several of these reports daily and to tell
friends, relatives and coworkers.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

7/25 - Ducky Derby!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Last year, just after Scout camp, and just before we were to leave
for Nauvoo Illinois, you’ll remember doctors found a tumor in son
#4’s head. This year, things are much better. He’s a year older,
and we’re all much wiser in things that matter.

I always heard about the Ducky Derby that the Make-a-wish
foundation held in August. I thought it would be cool to see
15,000+ rubber duckies float down the lazy river at raging waters
But, like life, I never got involved or paid much attention
to it. Now, almost a full year later, and a huge roller coaster
ride, we have an invitation to join 800+ other “wish
families” and attend the 18th annual Ducky Derby, and
2006 wish family reunion. (Known this year as “Duckies
of the Caribbean II”) You can buy a Ducky to float. For each $5
donation, you get a chance to win a brand new 2006 Pontiac G6
Sedan donated by Jerry Seiner dealerships

All donations go to the Make-a-Wish foundation. You can see more about it
here and make an online donation here

If you’d like, at the bottom of the form where it asks what the
specific referral source you can put something down like “For son
#4 at Martysjotd.blogspot.com”

But, if you win the car, you have to take my family for a ride!

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment sections


At a boat-rental concession, the manager went to the lake's edge
and yelled through his megaphone, "Number 99, come in, please.
Your time is up." Several minutes passed, but the boat didn't
return. "Boat number 99," he again hollered, "return to the dock
immediately or I'll have to charge you overtime."

"Something is wrong here, boss," his assistant said. "We only have
75 boats. There is no number 99."

The manager thought for a moment and then raised his mega- phone:
"Boat number 66," he yelled. "Are you having trouble out there?"

~Wanda D.


Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower
cost of living, in particular... "When I was a kid, my mom could
send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6
oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, and a magazine, some new blue jeans...
all for a dollar!! Then Grandpa said sadly ..."You can't DO that
any more... they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look
~Wanda D.


After opening the medicine cabinet door caused my hairbrush to
tumble out, ricochet off the sink and into the toilet for the
third time in a week, I decided I needed to make a little room in
the cabinet. The first thing I pulled down was a bottle of pills
that had been prescribed by a doctor who died six years ago. At
this point I had no idea what the prescription was for and,
frankly, I'm not even sure it was for me, as the label had faded a
long time ago. But since I don't know what it's for, I'll never
know when I'll need it. So I put it back. I suppose I'll keep my
half-full jar of liniment. I indulged myself in a week-long
addiction to this stuff after I strained a muscle in my neck. This
brand uses heat to soothe aching muscles and it works pretty
quickly. Next to it is a bottle of calamine lotion. It was used
only once -- when I burned my neck rubbing too much liniment on
it. I should also probably keep my vertigo pills, even though a
yellow sticker on the side warns: May Cause Dizziness! Now, you
can look at this two ways. 1.) Don't take anything that might
cause dizziness; or 2.) While the vertigo will make me dizzy in
one direction, the pills will make me dizzy in another direction,
countering the effects. I was wrong. There was nothing I could
part with. So I made a decision: I just won't open my medicine
cabinet door anymore.

Monday, July 24, 2006

7/24 - Pioneer day Scout Camp

Monday, July 24, 2006

Happy 24th of July! Ok, you’ve heard the old joke; “do they have
the 4th of July in England?” Of course they do. It’s right after
the 3rd. Well, I assume you have the 24th of July in your neck of
the woods, just like Utah. Only here it's a state holiday and we
celebrate Pioneer Day. So, I didn’t have to work today.

Anyway, I digress. Yes, Justin was right in Friday’s issue; I was
at Scout camp. I always hesitate to make an announcement saying,
“Hey, I’m going to be gone from such and such a day...” Probably
for the same reason I call my sons #1 through #4. Just a slight
bit of internet safety. Although I wonder how many of you could
actually tell who I am and where I live, and what my kids names
really are...

Anyway, I digress even further.

Scout camp was pretty fun. We had a whopping 4 boys go up with us
this year. Because the Scouts require two adults to be with the
boys all of the time, we had to scramble with parents and extended
family, etc to go. We had 6 different men come up to cover during
different parts of the week. That was probably the toughest part
of the whole camp. I know, I should probably try to use my Scout
committee to make some arrangements, but that’s a whole ‘nother

Son #1 had already been to camp several times and opted out this
year. But, it was son #2’s first year at Scout weeklong camp. He
got 7 or 8 merit badges done, and another few partials done. So,
he’s well on his way to getting his Star rank.

We had a lot of good times up there. On the night that he went out
for his astronomy merit badge observation with the merit badge
class, I had to coax him a little. [Side note; Can you imagine
being in the middle of the mountains, at 8900 feet, with clear
skies and zero light pollution... pretty nifty for star gazing]
So, he said he didn’t want to go, but I ‘made’ him go anyway. When
he came back he tried to be indignant, “Aw it was nothing I
couldn’t have seen on my computer screen dad!” But later at the
camp fire he talked (mostly to the other boys) about how cool it
was to see the milky-way.

On the last day of camp he attempted to try and climb the 12 foot
“greased pole” at the camp wide games. He jumped as high as he
could go (as you can imagine) and just slid down to the bottom. He
got dirty, but had fun.

Now, if you have 300 boys per week at a scout camp, for 7 weeks,
and they serve most of the scouts commissary style, that’s a lot
of food they have to store. What would you do as a camp director,
if you had several extra cans of dill pickle chips? A pickle
eating contest of course... Now this was something I thought son
#2 would be perfect at. As he entered, the current record was 23
slices in 30 seconds. (They can be in your mouth at 30 seconds,
but you can let them out in any way shape or form, and they have
to go down and stay down...) Son #2 was valiant, but only got in 8
at 30 seconds, and then ...... purged ..... them at about 45
seconds. He decided not to try that contest again.

We had fun and luckily didn’t lose get anyone killed.

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment sections


At Sea World, our 4-year-old grandson absolutely refused to see
the show featuring Shamu the killer whale, but he wouldn't tell
us why. No amount of discussion could get him to change his
mind. Later, when we got home, we discovered the reason for his
reluctance. An aunt had told him how exciting the show would be
because, "They choose children from the audience to feed Shamu."


"France and Germany warned Iran this week not to pursue their
nuclear research program. In fact, France and Germany warned Iran
that if they didn't stop their program they would, you know, warn
them again.”
~Jay Leno


The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the
street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker
of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I
explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.
She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing

Monday, July 17, 2006

7/17 - Vision Painting

Thursday, July 13, 2006

I had to replace a door and frame to my car port wall last
weekend. And, since I hate doing a job over, (which usually
happens if I do the job...) I wanted to do it right. So, I hired
someone with more knowledge than me to come out and frame it and
install the door. But, I figured I could do the painting. After
the door went in, I could only find a medium sized paint brush,
and decided to tackle the job. It took almost 2 hours, and in 95º
weather I was pooped afterwards.

But, for about an hour of my painting, I got to hear Justin’s
nephew “B” and son #4 playing in the carport. They were riding
around the truck that was parked in the middle of the carport and
playing “cops and traffic”. They took turns riding around yelling
out traffic violations, then penalties. “You ran a red light! Now
you have to go to jail!” or “You were speeding, you have to pay a
fine...” At one point, “B” was the cop for a long time and son #4
didn’t like to be “thrown” in jail so much. So after one violation
he said, “It wasn’t a red light, it was a green light!” Both “B”
and son #4 tried to work out their problem, (while I just painted
away and said nothing) then “B” finally said, “My eyes are
better.” To which son #4 thought for a second and said, “Ok”. And
they played on. I think it was more of an observation than being

Anyway, later on they were playing “germs on you”. (I have no idea
how 5 year olds come up with these games...) Son #4 said, as “B”
rode through a puddle, “Hey, you’ve got red germs all over your
pant leg.” “B” said (while franticly searching), “Where? I don’t
see it.” I came in with my only comment during the whole play
time, “Son #4 has special vision that can see special things!”

I don’t think they remembered I was there and they both looked at
me and said, “Oh” and went back playing. I probably shouldn’t have
interrupted, because they both left 5 minutes later.

Oh well, it was cool while it lasted.

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment sections

[Comment to Justin]
Shame on you. Wanting to get your mom in trouble.
~Wanda D

As a flight engineer on a C-130 cargo plane, I had been stationed
in Panama for several months before the December 1989 invasion.
Ever since I began my Air Force flying career, my mother has been
concerned for my safety, so I expected a long letter from her
expressing her anxiety. But what she sent was a sheet of paper
containing six words: "Kick theirs, protect yours. Love, Mom."
~Wanda D.


Students at school were asked to write about the harmful effects
of oil on fish. One 11-year old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin
of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines
were dead."


When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a
pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one
child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the
older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so
much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But
think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day
and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home
another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"

Thursday, July 13, 2006

7/13 - Dirt Clog War

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Every once in awhile my family walks by Justin’s parent’s house,
and his mom is sitting on her porch talking with Justin. Tonight
she was doing just that. Son #4 was running up and down the street
playing with Justin’s nephew, so I stopped and said “Hey, how are
you guys?” “Great!” they said. “Hey,” his mom said, “Justin’s on
the phone and said I should pick something up and throw it at

I didn’t hesitate one bit... I jumped over the fence, rolled on
the ground and hid behind a tree, picked up a dirt clod, hucked it
at Justin’s mom and pegged her right above her left ear! “HA! I
yelled, got you first!!”

Ok, not really.

Justin’s mom is probably one of the nicest ladies I know. But I
did yell back and say, “Tell him I just threw a dirt clod at you!”

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

p.s. Can anyone tell me what album cover the above picture is from?

Reader Comment sections

Possible new dog breeds;
Weapons of math instruction;
Texas quarters recall;
GREAT content in today's humor. Good job.
Rich in Minnesota
[Thanks Rich!]


As a freshman ROTC cadet, I took part in my first Army field-
training exercise. After a long day of rock-climbing and
rappelling, my platoon settled down for our C-rations. Hungry, we
tore into our cardboard boxes, opening cans of "Chicken or Turkey,
Boned," "Cheese Spread, Cheddar" and "Candy, Chocolate, With
Nougat." Then we came upon a device wrapped in a small brown
envelope, labeled: "Stimulant, Interdental" -- a wooden toothpick.

~Wanda D.


Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heal
that has crushed it.
~Mark Twain


I believe my young daughter wants a pair of glasses. I don't know
why she does. Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school?
But though she sees just fine, she still says she needs glasses.
I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out though. She was
asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart. She
said, "All right, I can see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but
not the 'N' and the 'Z.'"

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

7/11 - Frustrating Cake

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Did you ever have one of those nights that everything just seemed
to fall apart? Granted, I’m organizationally challenged, but
tonight everything just seemed to go kaput. Scout camp is coming
up, and it’s been a challenge to get adult leadership committed to
help out. Even with a small troop, a Scoutmaster can’t accomplish
two deep leadership’ on his own, no matter how hard he tries.
Tonight, with less than a week before we leave, I was told, “If
‘A’ and ‘B’ happens, I won’t go to camp...”

Arrgg... without elaborating, it’s just really frustrating to have
one thing after another fall apart. But, I’ll just keep plugging
along and do the best I can. That’s what I’m supposed to do,
right? On the bright side, we all know my family has been through
worse. Heck, so this will have to be a piece of cake...

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comments

Congratulations on the clear scan!!!
~Aleis, mom of Alexa

So glad for the good results from Son #4 tests!! There are a lot
of us out here pulling for you and saying a prayer.


[with 4 boys in the house you can surely relate to this
story....~Ruby C.]

Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to
dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-
plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur,
which belonged to my five-year-old son. I painstakingly got all
the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed
it. However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered
what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the
purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet
still wasn't working. "Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.


My ship, a Navy destroyer, took a group of Naval Academy
midshipmen on a cruise of European ports. When my wife heard about
this, she decided to meet the ship at its various destinations. As
we pulled into each port, there she was on the dock, smiling and
waving as we maneuvered alongside. At our final port, there she
was again. "It's true what they say about the Navy," I said to the
midshipman standing next to me. "We do have a girl in every port."
"Yes, sir," he replied. "But the same one?"
~Wanda D.

Just in case you've had a rough day, here's an eight-step stress
management technique recommended in the latest psychological
texts. The funny thing is that it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic world.

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a
cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding

8. See? You're smiling already.

Monday, July 10, 2006

7/10 - Repent and get your own ice cream!

Monday, July 10, 2006

It’s a slow night for stories. We had another uneventful weekend.
We decided to go to Randolph for our 10th cleaning trip. We found
more shotgun shells, and showed dad’s 54 MG TF series convertible
to a potential buyer. It’s in pretty rough shape, but still a cool
little car. Neither of us knew what it was worth, so we have to do
some checking.

For family night tonight, we had a lesson on repentance, and the
steps you need to take to repent. Then we went down to the grocery
store to get some ice cream cones. Sons #1 and #2 had some checks
to cash at the service counter after we got our treats. Then an
older lady standing behind us in line said to son #4, “That looks
like a really good ice cream cone.” He nodded. Then she teased him
and said, “Do you think I could have a bite?” He answered, “Oh no,
this one is mine. You can go down there, turn the corner and get
your own.” She smiled and they kept up a 5 minute conversation
while the lady at the counter cashed checks.

Son #4 never was one to shy away from an opportunity to speak to a
senior citizen...

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comment Section

Congratulations on Son #4's clean scan! May he be blessed with
health and wholeness and long life - - and that goes for all of
~Moon R.

New Dog combinations;

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

~Amy G.


At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a
public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while
in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical
calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious
Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of
math instruction!


The United States Treasury has announced they are recalling the
new Texas quarters. "We are recalling all of the new Texas
quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary
Russell Shackelford said in a press conference Monday. "This comes
in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters
will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines,
pay phones, or other coin-operated devices." The winning design
for the Texas quarter was submitted by Texas A&M student William
Doutrieux. "We believe the problem lies in a design flaw," said
Shackelford. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and
nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

Thursday, July 06, 2006

7/6 - Dinner breath

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Tonight I gathered all of the boys up, in my den, for a family
council. “Boys,” I said. “We’ve got a problem.” Everyone got
really quiet. “First, I wanted to let all of you know what son #4
had a clean scan today!” Everyone cheered. “But,” I continued, “We
have a serious problem with today’s events.” It got quiet again.
“Since son #4 had clean scans today, so we have to figure out
somewhere to go to dinner!” Cheers again...

For the next 90 seconds they threw out their ideas, and then
loudly shot down anyone else’s dinner idea. Son #4 sat there for
most of the discussion, and then he yelled, “HEY, I KNOW!” and
everyone got quiet again. “I know a place that’s really cheap for
dinner.” We all said, “Where?” He replied, “The gas station!” We
all looked at each other and smiled. He continued, “They have
really good ice cream sandwiches!”

We all broke out in laughter.

Wow, now we can breathe again for 3 months. But the next
appointment is a year after treatment. (It’s a little early, it’s
more like just shy of 11 months...) Next time son #4 has a brain
and spine MRI, Lumbar puncture, hearing tests, endocrinology
tests, more eye tests, and I think even cognitive tests. It’s
gunna be a busy week than!

But, for now, at least I can sleep tonight.

Enjoy today’s Jokes!


The doctor had just been buried. The last words of the service
over, his friends and family started toward their cars. However,
they stopped because a strange, eerie sound suddenly was heard
from the grave. As the guests looked around, a colleague of the
deceased said, "It's nothing... just his beeper."
~Wanda D.


A man goes to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an
elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. The man
very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the
thorn from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns
and stares at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him.
The elephant then continues on its way. "I wonder if I ever see
that elephant again if it will remember me?" the man muses to
himself. It is a few years later, and the man is at a circus back
in the States. He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking
at him, almost like it KNOWS him. The man wonders, "Could this be
that elephant I helped so long ago?" He decides to get a closer
look. With the elephant still giving him the stare-down, the man
moves in closer, getting right up in front of the elephant. They
lock eyes. A knowing look seems to cross the elephant's face. It
reaches down... picks the man up carefully with its trunk... lifts
STOMPS HIM TO DEATH! Turns out it wasn't THAT elephant.

A profoundly ugly girl went to the psychiatrist. "My life is a
mess, doctor," she began, "I am so hideous that no one will
associate with me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?"
"Why, certainly! Helping people feel much better about themselves
is my area of expertise. I can start making you feel more
confident about your appearance right here and now." "Oh, I am so
grateful! What should I do first?" she asked. "First things first.
Just walk over to the other side of the room and lie face down on
my couch."

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

7/5 - Holding our breath for Boomers

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

I hope everyone had a great 4th of July! We sort of lounged around
the house, and played games. I think I got everyone to play me in chess.
Even son #4! We went down the street to a big hill, and watched
the city fireworks. On this hill we had a great view of 6 or 7
different cities’ fireworks. Our city was simulcasting the
fireworks to patriotic music on one of the FM radio stations. It
was ok, but I thought that they did a much better in years past,
but it was still fun. We didn’t get in till almost 11 last night,
so I thought I’d hit he sack instead of doing an issue.

Now someone will have to check my calculations on this. After we
saw some of the big ‘boomer’ fireworks go off, we counted. It was
about 7 seconds before we heard the boom. Then I calculated that
we were 12 blocks east and 6 blocks north of where the fireworks
were being shot off. Using the ol’ Pythagorean theorem (A squared
plus B squared equals C squared) that put us at 13.4 blocks away.
According to Wikipedia there are 8 blocks to a mile in Salt Lake
City. That put us 1.675 miles away from the booms.

Now, I was always taught that when you saw lightning, you counted.
One One Thousand. Two One Thousand. Whatever number you were at
was how many miles away the lightning hit.

So, if sound travels at 340.29 m/s, that’s 1116.15 Feet per
second. At 5000 feet above sea level (about where we were) sound
travels 98% as fast. So it should travel at about 1100 fps. At
1100 fps, and 5280 feet in a mile (times 1.675 miles) the booms
should take the sound 7.9 seconds to get to us.

Wow, that blows one of my favorite thunderstorm theories out of
the water!

Anyway, we’re all holding our breath for tomorrow morning. It’s
son #4’s 3rd post op MRI. My sweet wife and I are on an Ependymoma
emailing list, and we’ve been emailing back and forth with one of
the families who had their daughter’s MRI today. Tonight she

"(Our Daughter) had her MRI today and the results show the tumor
has recurred. Needless to say, we are heartbroken. It has been
only 9 months since radiation ended. She will have surgery as
soon as possible; we should know the definite date by tomorrow

I’m so sick to my stomach. This is so “real”. I hate this whole
brain tumor stuff.

Gotta leave at 6:45 tomorrow, so it’s off to bed. Right, like I
can sleep tonight.

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comments

[Oops, I’ve been a little remiss in putting comments on the list.
In these summer slow months, there still are readers!]

Marty, The 24 roses for your anniversary still works out. One for
each year and one for each child.
~Keith H.
[HA! I knew there was a reason I got 2 dozen. But that poses a
problem for next year...]

I am so glad to be a part of this yahoo group. I do love clean
jokes that I can share with others.
~Amelia L.
[Welcome, and so do I!]


At Fort Rucker, Ala., the pressure of an upcoming inspection was
beginning to show. "Okay, men," the platoon leader ordered. "First
we need to strip this floor, then put down a layer of wax and buff
it. Next we'll mop it over, buff dry and wax it again. After that,
another mopping and waxing followed by a hand-buffing -- " "Sir,"
came a plaintive voice from back of the formation, "we're just
trying to fool a general, not sell the barracks!"
~Wanda D.


Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends' and
relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a
list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when
the machine was turned on. I went to a number of computer stores
to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck
at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed
experienced. "Can you recommend something that will remind me of
birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked. "Have you tried a wife?" he


When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was
assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a
Military Intelligence unit. One day a long came around with a
cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and
initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant
me too, so I read and initialed it. BUT a few days later, it came
back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read: "You
are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an
authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your
erasure." So I did.

Monday, July 03, 2006

7/3 - Star Wars Smoke Bombs

Monday, July 03, 2006

(Conversation on the phone from work;)


[timid little boy voice]: “hello?”

[me]; “HI, WHO’S THIS?” (Knowing full well who I was talking to.)

[#4]; “DAAAAD!!!”

[me]; “No, you’re not dad, I’m dad. Who are you?”

[#4]; “DAAAAD!!! It’s DAD!”

[me]; “Hi little one...”

[#4]; “Guess what dad? We just smoked a bunch of smoke bombs!”

[me]; “You WHAT?”

[#4]; “Yeah, me’n Son #3 got a package of smoke bombs and smoked
‘em all gone!”

[me]; “Oh, ok...”

I’m glad he wasn’t 13 when we had this conversation...

(Conversation at work with a co-worker)

[she]; “Hey, how’d you get your black eye?”

[me]; “When you have a ‘visually impaired’ little boy, who is
totally blind in one eye, and can’t see out of the other eye, has
no peripheral vision, and zero dept perception, and loves guns and
light sabers, don’t trade him weapons.”

[she]; “oh?”

[me]; “I was ‘fencing’ with him and I had the long (PVC pipe)
light saber, and he had the short, curved, antiqued (dollar store)
pirate sword. I was getting the better of him, and he said ‘Let’s
trade!’ So like a good sport, I did. On the second swing, he
caught me with the blunt end of the PVC pipe and cut me just above
and just below my left eye, and gave me a (relatively small)
shiner to boot.”

[she]; “HA! Now THAT’S funny!”

(yeah, again, I’m glad he wasn’t 13 when we had this battle

Enjoy today’s Jokes!


A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he
noticed she had bought a new book entitled, "What 20 Million
American Women Want." He grabbed the book out of her hands and
started thumbing through the pages. His wife was a little annoyed.
"Hey, what do you think you're doing?" He calmly replied, "I just
wanted to see if they spelled my name right."


I was recently talking with a blonde friend who bemoaned her
family's lack of holiday rituals. "My family doesn't have any
traditions," she complained. "We just do the same thing year after
year after year."


I'd had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bed-time
finally came, I laid down the law: "We're putting on your p.j.s,
brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights
out!" Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she
said, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who
don't have mommies and daddies." Even after I'd been such a
grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have me. I felt tears
begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered, "Maybe you
could go be THEIR mom?"