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Marty's Joke of the Day

Marty's Joke of the day is an internet column that I've written for more than 5 years.
I tell humorous stories about my "sweet wife" and raising our 4 young sons, named #1, #2, #3, and #4.
After 5 years of story telling, in August of 2005, doctors found a brain tumor in son #4.
Our focus here has changed little as we still try to find humor in our lives.

Monday, May 28, 2007

5/28 - Memorial Day Fun!

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Monday, May 28, 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy Memorial Day! I thought I’d do a quick post this morning.
Our weekend has been pretty eventful so far. We all went to
Thoroughly Modern Millie on Friday. At first son #4 didn’t want to
go. The only thing he’s ever heard about Hale Centre Theater
(where the play was) was the accident where a stage hand got
caught in the moving stage. Before we went, son #4 kept asking if
anyone else was going to get hurt when the stage moved. When we
got there, he acted like he didn’t want to be there at all. But
about 5 minutes into the show when the stage moved for the first
time, his eyes got big and he said, “That was cool mom!” He loved
the show and stood on his chair and clapped at the end. All 4 boys
loved the play and kept asking when we were going again. Hmm...
‘Culture’ is cool, unfortunately it takes $$ to take 6 of us out.

Anyway, our next foray for the weekend was Pirates of the
Caribbean III - At Worlds End. It was a movie and prizes event
were a company also invited Make-a-Wish families. (Son #4 refused
to go because he got scared at the first Pirates movie, so we took
a cousin). Anyway, I won a hat and gave it to son #4 when we got
home. The movie wasn’t that impressive. The action scenes were
cool, the music was great, and Keith Richards from The Rolling
Stones, fit the roll of Jack’s father pretty close. One glaring
problem with the movie was the story line. It was SO hard to keep
track of who’s doing what to whom and why. It was like channel
surfing. I kept asking myself, “Why did they just do that?” and “I
don’t understand why so and so is now fighting so and so when they
were just making a deal 10 minutes ago.” Another problem
throughout this series
is the dialogue is still hard to follow.
It’s hard enough to catch what they’re saying in real life, but
combine heavy accents with an octopus makeup and no lips, and
things go downhill from there.

Bottom line, I give it a 2 out of 4 boys rating. I’d wait for it
to come to your local dollar theater...

At Church on Sunday son #4 kept asking to get home quickly. He had
a treat ahead of him. Last week I put my dad’s MG on craigslist
and on a couple of other places on the internet. I got tons of
calls, and a lot of people looking at it. A guy who lives just a
couple miles south of us came and bought it on Friday, but son #4
was not too happy with me for selling it. We took a few last
pictures of him in it. (Here he’s protecting the MG with a squirt
gun from the evil MG buyer.)



Anyway, son #4 started to cry when the guy came to pick it up. It
was pretty heart wrenching. But, the guy was really cool and said,
“Son #4, tell you what. How about I bring by another cool car on
Sunday and take you for a drive?” Son #4 with a frown on his face,
a big lower lip, and still looking at the ground, nodded yes. Ever
since the guy drove the MG away, son #4 kept asking when the guy
with the cool car would come back and give him a ride.

So, Sunday afternoon rolled around and son #4 was really excited.
He kept asking me to call the guy and ask when he would be here. I
didn’t want to appear too anxious, but I finally caved in. A
couple hours later he drove up in this really sweet 1954 Corvette
convertible. Son #4 said, “Wow!” He got a good 15 minute ride, but
I knew what was coming next. The poor guy had to haul all 4 boys
around the neighborhood too. But he was a good sport and said it
wasn’t a problem. And, it turns out, he and my boys may be
related.

His parents were from Star Valley Wyoming, and part of the Olsen
family. (As in Merlin Olsen of the NFL, and Little House on the
Prairie fame.) My sweet mother-in-law’s aunt was an Olsen from
Star Valley. Well, it’s a little convoluted, but that’s what I get
when I know my genealogy.





Speaking of convoluted, have you ever heard of “The Six Degrees of
Kevin Bacon
”? It was a popular 90’s game where you try to link
actors or actresses with Kevin Bacon. It is said that everyone in
Hollywood is within 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon. Here’s an example;
Take a not very well known actress in Soap Operas name Ellen
Wheeler. (ok, she’s at least not well known to me...)

Ellen Wheeler was in Without Evidence (1995) with W. Earl Brown
W. Earl Brown was in Sugar & Spice (2001) with Rachel Blanchard
Rachel Blanchard was in Where the Truth Lies (2005) with Kevin Bacon

So Ellen would be 3 degrees from Kevin bacon. Then I got to
thinking. And yes, I am now famous. I am only 4 degrees from Kevin
Bacon! Here’s how.

Marty is related to son #4 by birth.
Son #4 is Merlin Olsen’s 1st cousin, twice removed. (true)
Merlin Olsen was in Mitchell (1975) with Joe Don Baker
Joe Don Baker was in Criminal Law (1988) with Kevin Bacon

I just have too much time on my hands... But, I couldn’t go
camping this weekend, could I?? Ok, enough dumb stuff, I gotta get
ready for the baseball game today!

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-

Finally! Episode 8 of Chad Vader.
You can see the Chad Vader Series starting with this issue...



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A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of
the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination
room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older
doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told her
story. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where
the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter
with you?" the older doctor demanded "Mrs. Reid is 62 years old,
has four grown children and seven grandchildren. And you told her
she was pregnant?" The younger doctor continued writing and
without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

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Before I could visit my daughter at her naval base in Japan, I was
told I needed to supply her with some important information to
give to security. The list included the following: passport
number, height, weight, year of birth and anticipated hair color
at time of arrival.

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On his way home from work recently, my husband came upon a 'Road
Closed' sign. Undeterred, he maneuvered his truck around it and
continued on. But he didn't get very far. The pavement ended,
giving way to another, larger sign: "What Part of 'Road Closed'
Didn't You Understand?"

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

4/18 - Log oh what?

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sun, moon, and stars all lined up tonight. No Scouts, Relief
Society meetings, or school. After dinner I asked, “do we have
anything to do tonight?” Everyone said, “No!” It doesn’t happen
that often on a Wednesday night, so we decided to watch a move we
had rented; “Akeelah and the Bee”. It’s about a girl in a poor
neighborhood in LA who goes to the Scripts Spelling Bee.

There were a lot of impressive words in there, but the second to
last spelling word of the movie really got my boys rolling on the
floor. “Logorrhea.” (pronounced Log-Oh-Ree-ah) They thought that
was the funniest thing in the world. “That kid looked like he was
about to have a logorrhea dad!” They laughed and laughed on that
one...

Then again, if you look at the word, it really is kinda funny.
“logo” can mean voice, words, or to know. “rrhea” as in diarrhea,
means... well, we all know what it means. Logorrhea literally
means “excessive flow of words”. So, I guess my boys really did
know what they were laughing at.

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

p.s. Ok, that was kind of lame. But, it took up a bit of space.
Here’s another funny; at dinner tonight we had meatloaf with baked
potatoes. When son #4 bit into his potato, he said, “That’s hot!”
I quickly said, “Yo Momma...” paused for just a second, and
thought, ‘sure’ and finished my thought saying, “Yo Momma’s hot!”
and looked over to my sweet wife to wink. Son #4 looked at me as
if to roll his eyes and said, “Yeah, dad. ~that~ was a good one.”

I don’t think my sweet wife liked that comment.

=-=-=-

Reader Comment section

Tooth fairy stuff. Six kids and I couldn't even get it right for
the first one. I ended up telling her there was no tooth fairy, it
was me (man did that break her heart…) but what we ended up doing
turned out to be pretty cool and we continued on until there just
weren't any more teeth to lose. We would make it a game to see if
I could sneek / switch the tooth for the money without them
catching me. I never did get caught. Before that, sometimes it
would take the tooth fairy up to a week to get to our house. After
that, at bed time she/they would remind me to try to sneek in.
Turned out to be pretty neat, actually.

Thanks for letting me share. Thanks for sharing your adventures
and being such a good example, going back to college!...
Lois


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Today’s Videos

Look at that! A YouTuber’s hamsters breaks his speed record and
can not slow down any more!!!



Guy can blow perfect underwater bubble circles – for more than a
minute!



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Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to
dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-plumber.

Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which
belonged to my five-year-old son.

I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank
filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than
before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the
bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged
and told him that the toilet still wasn't working. "Did you get
the green one, too?" he asked.

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At three minutes and four seconds after 2 AM on the 6th of May
this year, the time and date will be 02:03:04 05/06/07.
~Wanda D.

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Helpful Tips to Make Life Simple

* Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply
cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

* Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone
by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and
occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

* Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned
to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

* No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the
dirt by simply peeling it off.

* Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The
red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet.
(Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish
should be selected).

* If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour
a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage
is almost instantly removed.

* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The
following morning you can create the effects of hangover by
drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging
your head repeatedly on the wall.

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Monday, April 02, 2007

4/2 - Singing Beard and Disco RV

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Monday, April 02, 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We had a great conference weekend. On Friday son #2 and I went
downtown to sing at a Young Men’s open house. It was a training
session for young men leaders in the Church. We had a men and boys
choir of about 50 voices, all dressed in Class A Scout uniforms or
suits and ties. We sounded pretty good too. Oh yeah, and they
asked us to shave any facial hair. So, I did. After several years,
you can see a bald faced pic of me that son #3 snapped this
weekend.

After we sang and had lunch, we raced home, got packed up, and
went camping with Grandma and Grandpa and one of the Kearns
cousins. Grandma and Grandpa bought an older RV unit to ‘try out’
this summer to see if they like the RV life. You can kind of tell
how old it is by the Disco lighting in one of the pictures on the
web. We were all excited to try it out, but 9 of us didn’t fit
very well in the 25 foot (or was that 20 foot) RV. So, my sweet
wife and I got to sleep in our 10 man tent. (Along with an
electric heater of course!)

We listened to conference, played games, and son #3 and I had a
long walk around Palisades lake. We took the GPS and walked about
2 miles up and down the mountain, saw several deer, and took some
great pictures of the views. (see them on the web –
http://martysjotd.blogspot.com )

Tonight, since sons #1 and #2 made it through the last quarter
with some (barely) passing grades, we decided to go to Chuck-a-
Rama and out to see ‘Night at the museum’ at the dollar theater to
celebrate. (The dollar theater is only 50¢ on Family night!).
Dinner (as with most any buffet) was really good, and the boys
really liked the movie. I thought it was just so-so, but they
talked about their favorite parts all the way home. So, another
successful family home evening.

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

p.s. Have you ever heard about the Grand Canyon Walkway? It looks
like it’s now open. You can walk out on a skywalk, 4000 feet above
the canyon floor. Something I’d like to do someday. Anyway, check
out today’s video about it.

p.p.s. Skiing with son #4 tomorrow!


Kearns Cousin and the Disco RV


Son #4 and #3 in front of a garbage can.
Yes, always a good thing to have in a picture of your kids...


Son #4 and I goofing around in the tent


More Goofing


And more goofing


Son #3 at the 'tree playground'




Son #3 and a duck


A deer son #3 and I saw

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section

[On Duplicate emails on Thursday morning]

Believe me....there were more sites than yours from Yahoo groups
doing mass mailings! So it wasn't just you!
~Linda

Marty, Thursday I received eight copies of your 'JOTD' and then
later I was at a luncheon and a friend mentioned he had received
several copies of some mails. After investigating he found it was
caused by a glitch in the yahoo program. He told me yahoo had
since fixed it. I don't think you did anything wrong. Keep on
keepin' on,
~Bob B.

[Yep, I got a few more emails about the dupe message from
YahooGroups on Thursday. Hopefully it will stay fixed for awhile.
Thanks everyone, for your patients. Marty]

=-=-=-
Video of the Day

Grand Canyon Skywalk


=-=-=-
Picture of the day

China appears to be the first country to install outdoor public
urinals that are actually intended for daytime usage. Would you,
or wouldn’t you?



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A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter
in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a
traffic ticket. "It seems everyone is out to get me lately. How
did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked. The
police officer pointed somberly toward the sky. "You mean," asked
the motorist, "that I'm not just being paranoid? Even *He* is
trying to get me?"
~Wanda

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"On this day in 1844 the Young Men's Christian Association, the
YMCA, was founded. It was founded by a small group of friends: a
construction worker, an Indian chief, a cop, a soldier, a
cowboy...they all met at a disco."
~Jay Leno

=-=-=-

John was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter," he
shouted, "Didn't you hear me say, 'well done'?" "Oh, thank you,
sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."


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From 4-8 year olds


A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4
to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were
broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you
think:

_____
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and
paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all
the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8
_____
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4
_____
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving
cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5
_____
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your
French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6
_____
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4
_____
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a
sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7
_____
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop
opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7
_____
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a
friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6
_____
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
everyday."
Noelle - age 7
_____
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are
still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6
_____
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I
looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and
smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8
_____
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else
kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6
_____
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5
_____
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says
he is handsomer than Robert Redford ."
Chris - age 7
_____
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him
alone all day"
Mary Ann - age 4
_____
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old
clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4
_____
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little
stars come out of you."
Karen - age 7
_____
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if
you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8
~#1 Mom


Me, with no beard and plenty of chin...

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Friday, March 09, 2007

3/9 - Help... Looking for a movie this weekend?

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Friday, March 09, 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi All, just a quick, extra Friday email.
Not much going on with us. I got a C on my Biology test. I was
bummed, but the instructor says that most of this other classes
have said that was the hardest test of the course. We’ll see when
final grades come out.

On my day off today, I did my taxes. I hate taxes. Mostly because
I didn’t keep good records and should have. But with the records I
did keep, we did pretty well.

One last thing, I got this email today from my Ependymoma Brain
Tumor group. Looks like I’m going to go to a movie tonight! Hope
you can to...

=-=-=-
From: TCHFMom@aol.com
Date: Fri, 9 Mar 2007 16:46:14 -0500
Subject: Tanner Seebaum Foundation & "The Ultimate Gift"
To: ependyparents@braintrust.org

Hello,
Please read the email below sent from our certified financial
planner, Bill Eggert. Bill has given The Tanner Seebaum Foundation
a wonderful gift, however, we need your help to succeed. Please
read this email, enjoy the movie, forward this email to everyone
you know and help find a cure for pediatric Ependymoma brain
tumors. Please let me know if you have any questions. My contact
info is at the bottom of this email.

Dear Friends, Family, Associates and Valued Clients:
Please pardon this interruption in your day.
As many of you know, over the last two years I have been involved
with a group of Financial Advisors, Philanthropists, Consultants
and Film Makers working on a unique project. Our task was to bring
the best-selling book “The Ultimate Gift” to life on the big
screen.
I am happy to announce the culmination of our work with the motion
picture debut of “The Ultimate Gift”. Distributed by 20th Century
Fox, “The Ultimate Gift” premieres in 800 theaters across the
United States, today, March 9, 2007. This is a limited release.
How long it stays in theaters depends on how many people see the
film this weekend. So if you need something to do this weekend, I
would appreciate you going to see the film.

"The Ultimate Gift" is a great story (based on the James Stovall
book of the same name) that delivers a wonderful message and is
suitable for family viewing. It stars James Garner, Brian Dennehy,
Drew Fuller, Bill Cobbs, Lee Meriwether, Ali Hillis and Academy
Award nominee Abigail Breslin - the little girl in "Little Miss
Sunshine". Take some tissues - I have seen it twice and have shed
a tear or two both times! Get all the information about the movie
at www.theultimategift.com
You can find theaters near you that are showing the film by going
to www.foxfilmfund.com. If you enter your zip code, the site will
show you theaters in your area showing the film. If you then click
on a theater, you will be directed to either Fandango.com or
MovieTickets.com where you can buy tickets online (you are not
required to buy tickets online - they will be available at the
theaters).
If you buy tickets online, there will be a place to enter a code –
a box labeled as "Organization Code" or "Organization/Church Code"
(do not use "Promotional Code"). If you enter the code 500758 –
$1/ticket of your purchase will go to support a designated
charity. In this case, it is The Tanner Seebaum Foundation, a
small Denver-based foundation that helps to fund research and find
cures for children's brain cancer and brain tumors. Ticket price
is still the same - you get see a movie and help a good cause by
purchasing online and using code 500758. You can read about this
foundation at www.tannersfoundation.org.
As for me, I had a chance to be an extra in the film, but
unfortunately the timing of the shoot did not fit in my schedule.
But if you sit through all of the credits you will see my name
will scroll by.
Thanks for reading all this and for seeing the movie. Thanks in
advance for buying tickets online and supporting this movie and
this cause.
Please enjoy the movie.
Disclosure: I am not an employee or Board member of The Tanner
Seebaum Foundation – just a friend of the family. And yes, I own a
very minor fractional share of the movie. Trust me - it will take
all of you seeing the movie many times before I will ever see a
dime out of this.
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FORWARD THIS INFORMATION TO ANYONE YOU KNOW.
Thank you.
All the Best,
Bill Eggert, CFP®

=-=-=-
Warmest Regards,
Stephanie J. Seebaum, Vice President
The Tanner Seebaum Foundation
6900 E. Belleview Ave, Ste 211
Greenwood Village, CO 80111
www.tannersfoundation.org
V: 303.771.HOPE
C: 303.909.7715
F: 303.771.6789
stephanie@tannersfoundation.org
Stephanie, mom to Tanner, 10. DX 4th Ventricle Posterior Fossa
Ependymoma 07/07/98. GTR 07/09/98. VP Shunt 7/98. 3 rounds chemo.
Relapsed 02/13/2001. GTR 02/19/2001. 2 rounds Temodar. 33 rounds
conformal radiation. Relapsed 05/17/04. GTR 06/07/04. 3 rounds
Radiosurgery. Daily growth hormone shots. Big brother to Ellie, 7.
Children's Hospital Ambassador, Denver. www.tannersfoundation.org;
www.caringbridge.org/co/tannerman/




Enjoy Today’s Issue!
Marty

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Monday, January 08, 2007

1/8 - Green Brine Water

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Monday, January 08, 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We had a pretty good family night tonight. We voted at dinner to
watch ‘Return of the Pink Panther’ and have popcorn. I think I’ve
seen that movie about 100 times, but it’s still funny. The kids
liked it this time too.

This morning my sweet wife sent me an email about her conversation
with son #4 just before breakfast. She asked him what he wanted
and he said, “What you have?” (What do you have?) She replied that
we had eggs or cereal. With a disappointed look he said, “ohhhh!
We don't have any pickles!” So that’s what he got for breakfast. A
pickle. (and an apple and milk) Yuck. Milk and pickles. I think he
needs his potassium levels back up or something.

Why, once I even had a wife that loved to drink pickle juice.

What a minute, she’s still here!

And, did you know, they even sell pickle juice... check this out.

Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty


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During our engagement, Anthony would tease me about how I had
"trapped" him into proposing. He claimed he was just an innocent
bystander who had been swept into the upcoming nuptials. On our
wedding day, Anthony waited for me at the altar. As my parents
gave him my hand in matrimony, he turned to me and whispered,
"Gotcha."

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John was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern
Arizona when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of
the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car
and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a silent
nod of thanks, the man got into the car. Resuming the journey,
John tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo
man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything
he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag
on the seat next to John. "What in bag?" asked the old man. John
looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I
got it for my wife." The Navajo man was silent for another moment
or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he
said:... "Good trade....."
~Wanda D.

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One evening a preschooler, Krystal, and her parents were sitting
on the couch chatting. Krystal asked, "Daddy, you're the boss of
the house, right?" Her father proudly replied, "Yes, I am the boss
of the house." But Krystal quickly burst his bubble when she added
"Cause Mommy put you in charge, huh Daddy?"
~Wanda D.

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