Marty's Joke of the Day

Marty's Joke of the day is an internet column that I've written for more than 5 years.
I tell humorous stories about my "sweet wife" and raising our 4 young sons, named #1, #2, #3, and #4.
After 5 years of story telling, in August of 2005, doctors found a brain tumor in son #4.
Our focus here has changed little as we still try to find humor in our lives.

Monday, May 14, 2007

5/14 - Carrot Flavored Chap Stick

Monday, May 14, 2007

Ok, so you take a little time of to study for finals, and the next
day you make another excuse and it starts to become a habit. Then
the Jazz games come up and it’s easy to use them as an excuse too.
Well, I’ll try to be better at posting this week.

On Mother’s day morning, son #4 jumped out of bed, checked to make
sure my sweet wife was still bed, and ran to the kitchen. He came
back with a large carrot on a plate and a glass of water. My sweet
wife said, “Oh, thank you so much son #4. That was very
thoughtful. But why a carrot for breakfast?” He replied, “So you
won’t have to clean the dishes mom.”

Hmm... very thoughtful boy.

We were watching the Jazz pummel the Warriors last night, and son
#3 came running up and blurted out to everyone watching the game,
“Son #4 just said the ‘F’ word! Son #4 just said the ‘F’ word!” I
said, did you? He replied, “I didn’t know it was a bad word.”

Not knowing that he had ever heard of it, I asked him to whisper
it into my ear. He did. (While everyone in the room looked on in
silence). I asked him to say it again. He did. I whispered back,
“Did that word end with a ‘D’ like doggie?” He said, “Yes, but I
didn’t know it was a bad word.” I told him it was close, but
wasn’t the real ‘F’ word. (Son #3 seemed disappointed and walked
out of the room.) I told son #4 that he had better be careful what
he said, and that he should watch his mouth.

Then, with all the candor of a 6 year old, and with a huge lower
lip protruding off of his face, he said in a sad voice, “But I
don’t know ~how` to watch my mouth.”

We all laughed at that!

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!


Here’s an interesting article I came across. It seems a lady wanted to turn her dead father into a diamond. Sometimes lawsuits are worth filing.

Woman loses battle to turn dead dad into diamond

Here’s a couple of drawing videos

Will Draw for food

drawing savant


An actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator.

The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC 20510

Dear Senator Harkin:
As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue
Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted
the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the
process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from US Citizen
to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by
the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this
bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in
the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a
citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the
last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am
anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay
taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two
years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any
way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield
an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy
taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local
emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have
stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant
figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my
daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law
school applications, as well as "instate" tuition rates for many
colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the
burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome
car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I
still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become
illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary
forms, I would be most appreciative.

Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,
Donald Ruppert
Burlington, IA



1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy



Can you read these correctly the first time?

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time
to present the present ..

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


To all the Mothers out there HAPPY MOTHERS DAY, this one is for you!

We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack . Jack was a great
cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing
ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on
this mat in our bathroom. Well we have 3 kids and at the time of
this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The
middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chap stick. LOVES it. He kept
asking to use my chap stick and then losing it. So finally one day
I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chap stick and how he
could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right
back in the drawer when he was done. Last year on Mother's Day, we
were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for
Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are
fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my
little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything
is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful
day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I
am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round
the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was
applying my chap stick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end.
Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have
a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look
pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.

And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it
was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it
reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these
glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you
realize they've been using your chap stick on the cat's butt.

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