Marty's Joke of the Day

Marty's Joke of the day is an internet column that I've written for more than 5 years.
I tell humorous stories about my "sweet wife" and raising our 4 young sons, named #1, #2, #3, and #4.
After 5 years of story telling, in August of 2005, doctors found a brain tumor in son #4.
Our focus here has changed little as we still try to find humor in our lives.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

2/28 - Parent Teacher Ref

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Tonight was Parent Teacher conference. I got home late from work,
and I wanted to go play racquet ball with son #1 and his Scouts
tonight, so my sweet wife and I ran to school the second I got
home from work. Both son #1 and #2 got so/so reports. One teacher
said that my son was very smart, but... um... and I said, “lazy?”
she smiled and said, well, yes. I said, Hmm... the apple doesn’t
fall far from the tree. I think I’ve got that syndrome too.

Anyway, when we got home, my sweet wife and I sat each of them
down after dinner and talked to them about their school work. I
think we kind of balance each other out; she being the mom in the
stands type, yelling, “You can do it, go, go!” and me more of the
referee on the court blowing the whistle every time there’s a
foul. It’s not that easy, but I think dad needs to get in the
stands a little more often and do some cheering.

But, a week or so ago son #1 did finally get his grades up enough
that he was allowed to play on his computer. I know the exact date
and time too; with my Vonage phone service, I can go online and
see every call that was made from my house. The second son #1 was
ungrounded, he loaded up a video game and called his cousin. And
in the next 7 days he called him 55 times. For 200+ minutes. He
used up 40% of my monthly minutes in a week. I didn’t give him a
really hard time, because it’s been so long since he got to use
his computer.

Anyway, son #1 and I had a good time playing racquet ball tonight,
but I’ll be sore tomorrow.

Enjoy today’s Jokes
(I really like the first one today)



There's no doubt history is in the making with the 2008
presidential race. We may have either the first Black president,
the first Woman president, or the first Mormon president. Why not
kill three birds with one stone - elect Gladys Knight president
and call it a day."


I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number
on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on
shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

The optometrist fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of
himself. [That's a story that lens itself.]

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in
Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done
~Ruby C.


"I love those signs along the highway that say, 'Litter Removal
Next 2 Miles.' That's when I start chucking my trash out the
~Scott Wood

"The sure way to tell if a man is a bachelor is to check his
silverware. If it's chewed up from going through the garbage
disposal a few times, he's for real."
~Nick Arnette

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Monday, February 26, 2007

2/26 - Is Nine a lot?

Monday, February 26, 2007

Welcome to Marty’s Joke of the Day! Let me introduce myself;
I’m the guy who’s supposed to write funny stories about my
family a couple times a week. I’m supposed to anyway. Last
week was just a wee bit busy. I’d rather have been on a
cruise, or camping, or something like that, but alas, it was
nothing exciting, just life.

One of the big time suckers last week was our rental house.
The 3x3 foot shower stall was toast, so we decided to redo
the entire thing. We had the plumbing ripped out and
replaced, and then decided to tile the inside. Let me tell
you, cutting tile (requires a wet saw), attaching it to the
walls, and then applying grout is a messy messy messy job.
Plus there is waiting time so things can set and dry. (Ok, we
cheated a little on a few parts, but...) More than once, I
shook my head and said, “Is this really worth it?” But, now
that it’s done, it’s a clean, sharp, professional looking job
that I’m happy with.

Last Friday when we were working on the shower, Manual J.
stopped by with a rental application. He spoke little English
as I questioned him about the application. I’ve picked up
some Spanish, so I can almost hold my own. (ok, not
really...) But when I looked at the list of people he wanted
to live in my house, there were 9; 3 kids and 6 adults. When
I questioned him, he replied, “Is 9 people a lot?” I smiled
and said, “Oh, no. Not really.” I lied.

On Wednesday, son #4 had what they call “Brain Tumor Clinic”.
Instead of making a bunch of doctor appointments, we go to a
long appointment where all of the doctors come in to see you.
Son #4 seems to be doing fine in most areas. But one area of
concern is endocrinology. One of his endo lab results that
was up in October and November, is now back to normal. But,
there was one other result that was elevated. (It all has to
do with the radiation treatment he got in Dec ’05) There is
nothing physically wrong indicating precocious puberty, so
the Doc scratched his head and recommended that we WWW (Wait
Watch and Worry) for another 4 months. (After a year of MRI
scans every 3 months, we’ve graduated to the 4 month plan for
a year. Yipee!) Then the Doc did a physical exam on son #4
‘down there’. Son #4 asked me later that day, “Dad, did you
see what the doctor did?” So we talked again about, well...
stuff... and only with Mom, Dad, or Doctors (with Mom or Dad)
present. I told him is ok, even encouraged, to ask questions.
It was another good teaching moment.

Anyway, this doc is the same doc was asked by son #4 at his
physical exam last fall, “Did you wash your hands?” after he
was done, while he was writing in the chart. He hadn’t. This
time, son #4 said the same thing when he was done. “Don’t
forget to wash your hands!” He did this time...

Enjoy Today’s Jokes

p.s. Here’s a funny little video I came across. Things that
make you scratch your head and say, hmm...

Reader Comment Section:

Hey Marty,
In our case, it was love, lust, engagement, baby and the
marriage moved up 3 months. TWenty-eight years later we still
have the love, lust, marriage and 2 adult daughters.
Television and those highly liberal shows are partly to blame
for the changed values in today's youth. Many come from
divorced parents and think that is the norm. A lack of
responsibilities and discipline is also to blame.
~Jim in Indiana

[28? Awesome! I can’t believe my 20 was last year. Seems like
just 19 years ago...]

Marty, I really [get] on the "soap box" about those
commitment issues... I am old fashioned and believe in love,
commitment and marriage before children. People today do not
share the same values that we were raised with. I love people
but I do not love their actions. The only way to protect your
investment is to charge non-refundable pet deposits, security
deposits, collect first and last months rent and do
background checks and check reference and "pray".
This seems drastic but it is not cost effective to spend
$4000.00 in repairs after each rental. In the absense of
commitments that can be trusted; this is your only recourse.
It is a sad state of affairs as to what we have come to. I
still believe that there are good honest people out there but
the few people that cannot be trusted has made it hard for
everyone else. This is still too long but I've never been a
person of few words. Lol This is my opinion and I'm sure that
most will not agree with me. For the record; I am a renter
and do not own property but I've always left my places in
better condition than what they were when I rented them. I'm
so happy that son #4 is stable. I do enjoy the window into
your family that you give us with your blog and updates. Keep
up the good work. We all love it.
~Joni D. Houston, Tx.

[‘always left my places in better condition...’ Hey, you’re
not moving to Utah in the next week or so, are you??]


Words that aren’t in the dictionary, but should be.

Abracadabbler: an amateur magician.

Badaptation: a bad movie version of a good book.

Carbage: the trash found in your automobile.

Dadicated: being the best father you can be.

Ecrastinate: checking your e-mail just one more time.

Faddict: someone who has to try every new trend that comes

Gabberflasted: the state of being speechless due to someone
else talking too much.

Hackchoo: when you sneeze and cough at the same time.

Iceburg: an uppity, snobbish neighborhood.

Jobsolete: a position within a company that no longer

Knewlyweds: second marriage for both.

Lamplify: turning on (or up) the lights within a room.

Mandals: sandals for men.

Nagivator: someone who constantly assists with driving
directions in an overly critical manner.

Obliment: an obligatory compliment.

Pestariffic: adjective describing a particularly pesty

Qcumbersome: a salad that contains too many cucumbers.

Ramdumbtious: a rowdy, energetic person who's not too

Sanktuary: a graveyard for ships.

Testimoney: fees paid to expert witnesses.

Unbrella: an umbrella that the wind has turned inside-out.

Vehiculized: you own a vehicle.

Wackajacky: very messed up.

Xerocks: two identical pieces of stone.

Yawnese: the language of someone trying to speak while

Zingle: a single person with a lot of pep in his or her


My wife clipped a job listing out of the paper for me. She
said it wasn't much to start out... but a huge pay raise. It
read, "Salary: 23k to start. 401k after 1 yr."


While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue
over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me.
Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the
shoulder. "Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear." "I should hope
not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."

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Tuesday, February 20, 2007

2/20 - First comes love...

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Then comes marriage then comes baby in the baby carriage. [Jumping
on my soap box here] At least that’s the way the rhyme went when
I was in elementary school. I guess it’s just not that way
anymore. Now it’s first comes lust, then come baby...

We’re just at the very end of sinking about $4,000 into the ol’
rental house. It looks really really good inside. It’s amazing how
new carpet, paint, linoleum, new doors, new tiled shower, and
lots and lots of clean up, can make a house look good. (But the
last renters and their dog did a real number on the lawn, and
there’s not much we can do about that in February.)

Anyway, back to my earlier point. We now have a couple of good
applicants. But most of the parents’ last names that are different
then each other, and the kids have different last names from the
parents. It’s like it’s a hodgepodge of yours mine and ours. It’s
sad that there is no commitment with some people today. Maybe I’m
just naive, but if people won’t commit to a ‘death do us part
marriage (much less an eternal marriage) what kind of commitment
are they going to give a stupid landlord?

Maybe my sweet wife and I are just lucky. Or maybe it has to do
with commitment. You tell me. I just don’t get it... [Ok, stepping
off my soapbox. And now back to your regularly scheduled blog.]

Enjoy today’s Jokes

Reader Comments

having lived in FEE-NICKS for a year, i can testify that those are
correct statements. even had 2 freeway shootings occur while i was
there. as far as the length of rush hour, i worked graveyards and
going to work was HORRIBLE! not only was there a lot of traffic
@ 11 pm, thats also when the barrels were moved.
~J. Todd H.

I enjoy ALL of your newsletters! It's great that you allow us to
peek into the window of your home life, to teach and entertain us.
I'm so glad the tests show that your son's condition is stable.
Now, I knew you'd want to know this: Andrews not only *did *not
sing that day, she *could *not as a result of cancer surgery (gone
wrong) in 1997. http://www.snopes.com/humor/iftrue/andrews.asp

[Ouch, caught at my own game. But, it wasn’t really a ...true...
story, was it? (grin)]


And They Ask Why I Like Retirement?!

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday.

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work;
refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement,
attic or garage?

Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids
will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as
A retiree?Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but
misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

My favorite one:
Question: What do you do all week?Answer: Mon to Fri. Nothing, Sat & Sun I rest!
~My #1 Mom


Senator Hillary Clinton is being criticized because she recently
called today's college kids 'lazy' and 'uninformed.' A
spokesperson for college kids said, 'Whatever, lady from TV.'
~Conan O'Brien


When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she told her mate. "Eve,
honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know
you're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam
fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest.
It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the
torso. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting
your ribs," said Eve.

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Friday, February 16, 2007

2/16 - MRI Results

Friday, February 16, 2007
Thought I’d do an update. Son #4 has CLEAN SCANS yet again! Ok,
the radiologist didn’t come out and say, “Good news, your son
had clean scans.” He said, “Good news, everything is stable.” I
don’t think I like that word, “stable”. There’s a little blip in
son #4’s noodle that they long ago determined was scar tissue.
Yet each time he has an MRI, it’s “everything is stable” not
“we have clean scans again.” I don’t know, maybe it’s just sleep
depravation. But, at least I’ll be able to sleep tonight. Yipee!

So, a bit more on the Trolley Square thing; it’s kind of sad to
hear some of the stories of the victims. It was just such a
random thing. All very sad. Yes, there are “no guns allowed”
sings all over Trolley Square. When they interviewed the off
duty officer, we got to see his wife. Either he’s really tall,
or she’s really short. Or both. The officer’s wife was a very
young looking, cute little red-headed, pregnant girl. She looked
very innocent, and had that sweet (what we affectionately call
around here) “Molly Mormon” look about her. But when she spoke,
she spoke with confidence and poise. Then we heard later that
she was also ‘packing heat’. Guess you really can’t judge a book
by its cover.

Now a funny on son #4. He likes to play video games. (It’s kind
of funny to see him get up really close to the screen and turn
his head so his one ‘good’ eye can see.) Anyway, that’s where he
gets a lot of his phrases he uses. And phrases that we have to
correct, and monitor the games even closer. The other day he
said, “I’m going to kick you’re aXX” My sweet wife sat him down
and told him that that was a swear word and that he shouldn’t
use it. She said he could use the word ‘butt’. (which, ok, isn’t
perfect but better I guess...) So, anyway, the next day he let
the same phrase slip. She said, “Do you want me to wash out your
mouth with soap?” He hung his head and said, “no”. She hugged
him and told him not to use that word again. He went into the
bathroom and grabbed the liquid soap and rubbed it in his mouth,
by himself. My sweet wife said, “Why did you do that?” he said,
“How else am I going to learn?”

Hmm... I think I just want to fast forward 15 years and see what
he’s turned into.

Enjoy today’s Jokes


Those of you who are as old as I am will be able to relate to
these lyrics; those who are still young will get a preview of
what is in store for you!

To commemorate her 69th Birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist
Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio
City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite
Things" from the Legendary movie "Sound of Music"Here are the lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,

Pacemakers, go carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinning,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinning,
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints aches,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.



1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is:

[Ok, let me jump into this joke here for a second. I’ll be
brief. I was in training the other day, and we had a trainer
from back east. We have a hospital that has “Alta” in the name.
He kept pronouncing it ALL-ta (like “All” the president’s men).
We, who live and say this name on a daily basis say AL-ta (like
“Al” Bundy on Home improvement). I think I should have said
something, but didn’t. It’s kind of like the great state of
Nevada that boarders right next to the (greater) state of Utah.
I hear senators and congressmen from back east say Na-Vaah-da
(aah, as in stick your tongue out and say aah…) when it’s
supposed to be pronounced Na-Va-da (‘a’ like in back). But,
enough of my ramblings, back to the joke.]

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening
rush hour is from noon to 7:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on
Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On
Loop 101, your speed is expected to match the highway number.
Anything less is considered "Wussy".

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has
its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks
with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks
with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley, SUV-
driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear
ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense
that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix.
Detour barrels are moved around during the middle of the night
to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks,
dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded
tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas,
roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.

9. The Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the "I-10" are the
same road.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to
the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been
"accidentally activated."

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65
mph zone, you are considered a slow-moving road hazard and will
be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be

12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on
your hands.


When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters
for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display
near the checkout counter. During one trip, some women in line
behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers
for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked. Before I
could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine,
said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes

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Tuesday, February 13, 2007

2/13 - How Ironic?

Irony - A contradiction or incongruity.

“Off-duty officer called hero after Utah rampage.”

Ken Hammond, an off duty police officer from Ogden, brought down
Trolley Square shooting suspect Sulejmen Talovic last night.
Hammond was having dinner at the Trolley Square Rodizio grill with
his wife for an early valentines dinner. (The Rodizio grill is an
all you can eat Brazilian stake house that I love to eat at... at
least the 3 times I’ve been there. It’s $$$ expensive!) When
Officer Hammond heard shots he followed and fired on the suspect.

This morning I was listening to the radio, and some guy called in
saying that the last time he went to Trolley Square, there were
“No Guns Allowed” signs on all of the doors. I don’t have any idea
if that’s true or not, but with out being too political, can I
say, “How Ironic is that?”

So today’s joke theme is irony...

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Oh, and son #4 was really really mad that he won’t be on the radio
tomorrow. At KSL’s website at KSL’s website they said, “In light of the
recent tragedy, the KSL Radiothon has been postponed.” The
scheduling lady called my wife today and said she didn’t know if
they would change it to next week, next month, or not have it at
all. I’ll let you know when I know.

Reader Comments

Yeah! Nothin' like the smell of fresh baked bread. And to eat it
while it's still warm, with the butter melting into it--THAT's
pure heaven!
~James in California
[I’ll say!]

I had purchased a small home before I married my sweet hubby. When
we wed, of course I moved into his larger house in the suburbs and
my cute house (that I had renovated, painted, etc.) was turned
into a rental. For the year we had tenants in there, we heard no
complaints and they always paid on time or called us if they were
going to be late (which was usually within the 5 day grace period
anyway). Well, we figured that because there were no complaints,
that the house would have been left spic and span when they moved
out at the end of January.

Boy! Were we in for a big surprise! Let’s just say they won’t be
getting any of their deposit back because the place was so dirty
and there were a number of other issues. It’s almost as if they
didn’t want to bother and figured that we could just keep the
deposit so they wouldn’t have to do all the hard work in cleaning

We’re trying to sell the house now so of course we need to put
forth more effort into getting it fixed up than if we were to just
rent it out again. I hear ya; we really relied on that monthly
rent each month, so it looks like I’m going to KEEP baking the
bread for a while...

Best of luck on the MRI & the KSL Primary Children’s Hospital
Radio-thon! I just moved to Mountain Standard Time 2 weeks ago so
I just might be able to tune in. Does it reach Rexburg, ID?

[I don’t think it will reach Rexburg. Try
http://www.ksl.com/?nid=246 ]


From the “Irony Department”

Tue Feb 13 2007 19:31:25 ET
The Subcommittee on Energy and Air Quality hearing scheduled for
Wednesday, February 14, 2007, at 10:00 a.m. in room 2123 Rayburn
House Office Building has been postponed due to inclement weather.
[A snow and ice storm] The hearing is entitled “Climate Change:
Are Greenhouse Gas Emissions from Human Activities Contributing to
a Warming of the Planet?”


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Why doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing
liquid is made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? who tastes dog food when
it has a "new & improved" flavor?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for
the indestructible black box ?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why, if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?


More Irony

A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a
river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window,
climb out and swim to shore - where a tree blew over and killed

Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the
dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on
passed under a low-level bridge - killing him.

Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so
afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to
cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused
Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured

George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly
escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for
one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the
scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on
him, killing him.

Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo
Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his
hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him
not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and
threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.

In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her
coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she
suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.

A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay
back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend
he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled
forward and crushed him to death.

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Monday, February 12, 2007

2/12 - Equity Rich

Monday, February 12, 2007

I’ve never mentioned this before, but we own a rental property of
our own. When my sweet wife and I were first married, we bought a
cute older house on a 2 lane street. Over the last bunch of years,
it’s turned into a 5 lane busy main thoroughfare. So, we’re glad
we don’t live there anymore. Well, when it was time for us to
move, we just sort of fell into the rental business and have been
landlords ever since. Anyway, our latest renters, after 8 years,
just moved out. And boy, I tell you, it’s sure a mess. I don’t
think they owned a vacuum, a mop or even a dust pan! After having
to replace tons of light bulbs, broken windows, broken doors,
linoleum, carpet, fixing gouged out walls, painting every room in
the house, and then having to pay their utility bills, I suddenly
remember that being a landlord can be an expensive proposition!
And I actually thought our renters were good, clean, honest
people. But each time I go out to clean up, I just shake my head.
But, enough of that stuff...

Each month we’ve used about half of the rental money for
groceries. And this month since there’s tons of money going to fix
the place up, and zero dollars coming in; it’s been, well an
interesting couple of weeks. Now we’re using our Food Storage. My
sweet wife has made fresh home made bread from fresh ground wheat,
and home made granola from our big bags of oats. On average, she
used to buy 3 or 4 loaves of bread each week. But since we have
fresh bread, the boys wolf if down fast! It’s really good stuff!

Son #4 likes the bread, but doesn’t like the granola for cereal.
He told my sweet wife last night, “Mom, I’ll give you some of my
money if you go out and buy some food... I don’t want to be poor
anymore.” ~Ouch~ that kinda tugs at your heart strings. It’s hard
to explain to a little one the difference between equity rich and
cash poor, or that you don’t want to touch your savings unless you
really ~have~ to. He said he wanted a cereal with marshmallows in
it. (Marshmallow Maties) He also said he wanted the ‘Chips of Joy’
(Chips Ahoy). So, I scraped up our pennies and gave my sweet wife
a little coin to buy cereal, eggs, and milk.

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

p.s. Remember the KSL Primary Children’s hospital Radio-thon last
year? This year they’ve invited son #4 to be on the radio! (With
mom and dad of course...) We’ll be on about 10:40 AM (Mountain
Standard Time, -0700GMT) on Wednesday the 14th on KSL radio. (1160
AM 102.7 FM or ksl.com on the web) Get your check book out and

p.p.s. Big shooting in Salt Lake today. About 3 blocks from my
office. Good thing I wasn’t around!

p.p.p.s. Son #4 has another MRI on Friday. Wish us luck!


During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a
patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb. When the driver
asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog
sitting on the seat beside him and asked, "Does your dog have a
license?" "No," the man said, "He doesn't need one." "Yes he
does," answered the officer. "But," said the driver, I always do
all the driving."
~Wanda D.


Showing his friend around his home, Fred started to point out all
of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long
years of marriage. "The day before I die, I'd like to sell every
piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth." “But you
couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so
how could you sell it." "Simple... If I sell it, my wife would
kill me!"


Seen in the parking lot of a brand new department store, painted
on the ground at a crosswalk in letters 4 feet tall: YELD Close,
but not close enough. The next week I drove through the same
parking lot and found it was changed. They had painted an I
between the existing letters. Now it read YEILD. About two months
later they finally fixed it. The old lettering was painted over
with black and freshly painted on top of that was the word STOP.

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Thursday, February 08, 2007

2/8 - Valentines Already?

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Son #3 is my ‘jumpy’ boy who loves holidays. Tonight he asked for
help with his valentine day box. I remember when I was little,
that I took a shoe box. His boxes aren’t “due” until the 13th or
14th, but he wanted to get working on his now. He’s got 3 large
boxes taped together, and says he making a rocket ship out of
them. Hmm... I hope he doesn’t think he’ll get more valentines
stuff if his box is bigger.

I guess I was a little too worried about the test. It was really
hard, and as I sat down for class tonight, I readied myself for a
score of 50 or 60. I surprised even myself when I got an 83. Not
too bad for an old dude! The average was 72. We have 6 people in
our study group, and 4 out of the 5 who were there tonight, got
above average. One guy got 100%. I think I’ll sit next to him
during the next test... (grin)

Enjoy today’s Jokes!


You forgot to mention that yesterday was also the day I was coming
home after 2 weeks in Dallas. Maybe that's why I didn't answer
your e-mail. If you want childhood stories, you must know that one
of my favorite ones was when you were about 1 l/2 or 2 and your
sister was two years older. She loaded your diaper with rocks from
the street. You were still smiling. You smiled a lot when you were
a baby.
~#1 Mom

[Ha! I’m such a happy guy aren’t I? Rocks in my diapers, indeed!]

"......put me into a drawer."Thanks, Marty. That one really tickled my funny bone. I'm still
chuckling - an hour later.
~Ruth N.

I came out of a convenience store the other day and some seedy
looking guy walks up to me and holds up a little sign: "DEAF &
MUTE... Can you spare $10?" Wow! What happened to a dollar or 2?
So I reached into my pocket for my wallet, opened it, took out a
folded piece of paper and handed it to him. It said: "I CAN'T
READ" and I walked away.


Put in charge of organizing my friend's baby shower, I decided to
send out invitations via email. To let my husband know that he had
baby-sitting duty that day, I entered his name on the "copy to"
line. Within minutes of sending the messages, I received an email
back from my husband. He wrote, "Imagine my disappointment when I
realized that your invitation wasn't sent only to me." He was
referring to the "Subject" line of my message, which read, "Lunch
and a shower."


JURY DUTY SCAM This has been verified on Snopes.com (link listed below) and by
the FBI (their link is also included below). Please pass this on
to everyone in your email address book. It is spreading fast so be
prepared should you get this call. Most of us take those summonses
for jury duty seriously, but enough people skip out on their civic
duty, that a new and ominous kind of scam has surfaced. Fall for
it and your identity could be stolen, reports CBS.

In this con, someone calls pretending to be a court official who
threateningly says a warrant has been issued for your arrest
because you didn't show up for jury duty. The caller claims to be
a jury coordinator. If you protest that you never received a
summons for jury duty, the scammer asks you for your Social
Security number and date of birth so he or she can verify the
information and cancel the arrest warrant Give out any of this
information and bingo! Your identity just got stolen.

The scam has been reported so far in 11 states, including
Oklahoma, Illinois, Colorado, Iowa, and Nebraska . This (scam) is
particularly insidious because they use intimidation over the
phone to try to bully people into giving Information by pretending
they're with the court system. The FBI and the federal court
system have issued nationwide alerts on their web sites, warning
consumers about the fraud.Check it out here: http://www.snopes.com/crime/fraud/juryduty.asp
FBI website link: http://www.fbi.gov/pressrel/pressrel05/092805.htm
~Tom S.

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Tuesday, February 06, 2007

2/6- Nucleotides, Carboxyls, emergent properties and DNA, Oh My!

Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Ok, I guess I was worried about the wrong thing last night. Today
we went to the Utah State Tax commission to plead our case to the
tax judge and the tax commission lady. We told them our sob story,
and after 10 minutes of that they said, “Oh, gee, we moved over to
a new computer system last year, and lost most of your records. We
don’t show that you own anything. As a matter of fact, we owe you
a refund.” We’ll I’ll be dipped. When’s the last time you heard a
whopper like that?

Then, on the other hand; My Biology test tonight was a tough one.
At least I can say that I’ll get some sleep tonight. But now I’ll
have to wait for Thursday for my results. I just have to get a ‘C’
to get paid back from my employer. That’s it. I’ll just shoot for
the average. Hmm...

Enjoy today’s Jokes!


My husband is always complaining about my inability to stay on a
budget and about the costs of running the house in general. This
has become worse since we have had the twins. Everything is
double, clothes, food, pediatrician bills. Lately, he has even
been complaining about the amount of baby powder I have been using
on the twins to prevent them from getting diaper rashes. I've had
to remind him that... talc is cheap.


I was in my wills and trusts course when the professor posed this
question to the students: Why do people choose to have their
children, rather than their siblings, inherit their estate? After
students offered various theories, one fellow raised his hand.
"This may be a bit off the point," he said, "but when I was
little, when my brother and sister finished playing with me, they
would put me into a drawer."


*New Mormon Themed Restaurant Chain - Get your franchise before
they are all gone!*
This is a sparkling new idea for a chain of non-pretentious Utah
restaurants. The name of these restaurants: "The Steak Center"
(Where There's Never a Dry, Boring Meat-ing!).

Each Steak Center will have one enormous dining area with
basketball hoops at either end, and folding metal chairs and long
tables covered in plastic tablecloths.
The Steak Centers will not have hostesses, but greeters, (men in
their 70's will meet you at the door and talk like they have known
you all your life.)The main menu items will be: the Porterhouse Rockwell
Steak, the Primary Rib, and the Poor Wayfaring Pan of Beef, garnished
with Parsley P. Pratt Funeral Potatoes.

We will also have, when it's in season, Eliza R. Snow crab. And
let's not forget a whole line of "And It Came to Pasta", including
Kraft Moroni and Cheese.

Additionally, we'll have breakfast items, including Pearls of
Great Rice and Frosted Minivans, as well as Adam-ondi-Omelettes.
The house drink is "Tab N Apple Juice."Also available, "In Our Lovely
Desserts", including Fast Sundaes,
Gadianton Cobbler and the sinful Laman Meringue Pie and Lemuel ice
cream.The waiters will be 12 and 13 year-old boys wearing white shirts
and their fathers' ties.At the end of the night the customers will be asked to
help fold up the chairs and tables and vacuum the floor.
Franchises are selling fast...Get yours while they last!!!
~Wanda D.

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Monday, February 05, 2007

2/5 - Happy Tax day to you...

Monday, February 05, 2007

I’ve got a big test tomorrow. Not only in Biology, but at the
state tax commission. After 13 months of letters and pleadings
with the IRS, they finally took pity on my dad’s estate, and took
off a lot of penalties for the 5 years of taxes he didn’t pay
before he died. Yes, it was a huge mess. So, the IRS is done, but
now we have to plead our case to the state tax commission. There’s
a big hearing tomorrow. Ok, our tax guy says it’s just a
formality, but maybe I ought to wear a tie...

Anyway, with that and my first biology test tomorrow, that makes
for a big day ‘eh?

Oh, and happy birthday dad...

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

p.s. And how was your super bowl? I loved the first play of the
game, and gave up by half time. I’m sure the Bears’ quarterback
will do better next year, once he gets out of high school. What,
is he 17? He sure looks like it.


Reader Comment Section;

Why not let your mom write the funnies for awhile? We all
understand how busy life gets and yours definately is full right
now. She could tell us about you growing up, etc... plus she could
keep us informed about the family too.. Jokes are easy to find and
send out.. OR Drop it down to Mon, Weds, Fri and let different
people write up a column and send it to you and bingo.. you have
that nights edition?
~Debi D.

[hmm... very intriguing. I did forward your email to my #1 mom,
but, no reply yet. Maybe she’s cook’n up something.]


David and Bernice had just given their teenage daughter family-car
privileges. One night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to her the
newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 am the
girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her,
“Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?” “Not too late,
Dad.” she replied nervously. Dead-panned, her father said, “Then
precious one, I’ll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my
paper under the front tire of the car.”
~Jeremiah G.


"Just 24 hours after golfer John Daly said he had a gambling
problem, Charles Barkley revealed he lost $10 million in Las
Vegas. And that was just at the buffet table."
~Jay Leno

"If you enjoy your alcohol, remember this: If you put your old,
rotten liver under your pillow, the Beer Fairy will leave you a
~Paul Tomkins


A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang. In
going to answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed for something to
hold on to and seized the telephone table. It fell over with a
crash, jarring the receiver off the hook. As it fell, it hit the
family dog, which leaped up, howling and barking. The woman's
three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud
screams. The woman mumbled some colorful words. She finally
managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in
time to hear her husband's voice on the other end say, "Nobody's
said hello yet, but it certainly sounds as if I have the right

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Thursday, February 01, 2007

2/1 - Still kick'n

Thursday, February 01, 2007
Hi, just a quick note letting you know I haven’t dropped off the
face of the earth, and no, we haven’t taken a 4 week vacation
somewhere. (Although with the crud in the air these last few
weeks, it would have been nice.) It seems that school is taking a
lot of time. Biology isn’t what it was a hundred years ago when I
was in 10th grade. But, it seems (a little bit) more interesting

I’m not used to coming home from work (some nights anyway),
wolfing down dinner in 10 minutes, then running off to school for
half the night. Then, when I get back home, it’s a bit nicer to
talk with my sweet wife and yell at the boys... ahum, wrestle with
the boys, than it is to sit down at the computer and write
stories. But, I thought I’d let you know I was still around.

Son #3 and #4 got their teeth cleaned today. Son #4 is a talkative
kid so it took them a lot longer to clean his teeth because the
hygienist had to stop ever 10 seconds to let him talk. Then when
it was son #3’s turn to get in chair, son #4 said he wanted the
tools so he could do the job. They didn’t let him.

And, my sweet wife found out today why son #4 was so surprised
that he actually got money from the tooth fairy after losing his
first tooth a week or so ago. He told my sweet wife today that
because his brothers tease him so much, that he rarely believes
what they say. And when they said he’d get money from a tooth
fairy... that was just a bit much for him to believe. But, he was
happy when she did come!

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Reader Comments

Marty, I think the Group has officially given your Sweet Wife a
first place ribbon for her painting.
~Amber K. Lake Isabella, CA

[She’s ALWAYS been first place with me!]


1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage
will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet
seat just by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and
bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your
veins. Remember to use an egg timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then
you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you
will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life
really are: In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct
Tape. If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40. If it should
not move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

~Courtney D.


When I dropped my son off at college, we found that he was
assigned to the fourth floor of a dormitory. As I trudged through
the parking lot to retrieve yet another load to carry up the four
flights of stairs, two young women caught my attention from a dorm
window. "Hey, Mom!" one called down. "Yo, Mom!" I was too tired
to respond, so I just ignored them until I heard the second girl
ask the first, "How do you know that woman is somebody's mom?" The
first girl replied, "Who else would do that?"


A man came into a gun shop and asked to see a shotgun. The clerk,
seeing that the customer was well-dressed and probably had a well-
padded pocketbook, showed him a Belgian handcrafted mother of
pearl inlay weapon and demonstrated its fine points. A bargain at
$12,000. The customer says, "No, not quite what I need." Then the
clerk brings out an English model and shows off its fine points. A
steal at only $7,500. The customer says, "No, I don't need
anything that fancy." The clerk, disappointed, shows the customer
a Winchester 'over and under' mass production model. Only $299.95.
The customer says, "That will do nicely. After all, it's an
informal wedding."

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