6/1 - Smok'n Hot Asphalt Pie?

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Friday, June 01, 2007
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I really like my Friday’s off. Today I felt guilty and figured I
needed to get out and take a walk. I invited my sweet wife, and
since yesterday was son #4’s last day of school, I invited him to.
I usually go to the park and walk around the mile long path, then
back home. It’s about 2 mile total.

Anyway, son #4 was just full of questions.
“How come we’re going walking dad?”
“So we can burn some calories.”
“What’s a calorie?”
“It’s a measure of energy and can be stored as fat in your body. If you have too many calories, you have too much fat.”
“Oh”

“Dad, how come the road is black?”
“Because that’s how they made it.”
“What do the make the road with?”
“Asphalt” I said.
“Asphalt? That sounds like your butt made a mistake” he replied
I laughed and said, “So a fart is an asphalt ‘eh?”
My sweet wife didn’t that was such a good thing to put into his
head...

We walked on further and I asked, “What’s that?”
“It’s a fire hydrant”
“What’s it used for?”
“In emergencies, firemen come and squirt water out of it”
“They hook it up to their fire truck and squirt water on house fires, right?”
“Yup”

I went on to tell him a story when I was about his age... I’ll let
my #1 mom tell it. We had just returned home from going out to
dinner with the neighbors...

“It was dark when we came home and it was a school night so I
had to get you kids to bed right away. I sent you to your
rooms to get your pj's on and when I went to put you in bed,
I smelled smoke. I frantically searched the house for the
source and when I couldn't find it, I put everybody's coat on
(I think it was in December) and we waited right by the front
door for the fire department. The front door had the top half
glass. It took forever for the fire department to get there
(they couldn't find the house and our street was a new street
that they couldn't locate). Anyway, they came in to look for
the fire. I'll never forget how huge they seemed with their
hats and boots and jackets. Anyway, as you know, they finally
found your sock, which you had thrown up in the air and it
landed on top of the pin-up lamp which was on your wall. It
was singed, but hadn't flamed up. I remember thinking "if I
burned his house down, Dad would kill me."

So, anyway, son #4 got a kick out of that story and we walked and
burned our calories.

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

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Here’s a great video


More than just fire fighting...



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One evening I was driving my six-year-old daughter to her
grandparents' home for an overnight stay. It was late, there was
little traffic and we were enjoying a peaceful ride. It was a far
cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive her to
various activities during rush hour. My daughter seemed deep in
thought when she said, "I have a question." "What do you want to
know?" "Mom, when you're driving," she asked, "are you ever the
idiot?"

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A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the
circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any
experience and the man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the
most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything
he knew." "Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to
make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?" "Yes he did," the man
replied. "And did he teach you how to have six lions form a
pyramid?" "Yes he did," the man replied. "And have you ever stuck
your head in a lion's mouth?" "Just once," the man replied. The
ringmaster asked, "Why only once?" And the man said, "I was
looking for my father."
~Wanda D.

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How to rope a deer.... by an anonymous Gentleman Rancher

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a
stall, feed it up on corn for a several weeks, then kill it and
eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I
figured that since they congregated at my cattle feeder and do not
seem to have much fear of me when we are there(a bold one will
sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am
in the back of the truck not 4 feet away) that it should not be
difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head
(to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home. I filled
the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The
cattle, who had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.
They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes my deer
showed up...3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped
out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just
stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist
and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still
just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly
concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards
it. It took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and
received an education. The first thing that I learned is that
while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you
rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on the
rope. That deer EXPLODED! The second thing I learned is that pound
for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or
a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope with
some dignity. A deer, no chance. That thing ran and bucked and
twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no
getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started
dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a
deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally
imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as much
stamina as some animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired
and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me. It
took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded
by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head, but I then
managed to get up. Right at that point I had lost my taste for
corn fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the
end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope
hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully
somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and
that evil deer. At that moment, I hated the thing and I would
venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in
my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested
the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large
rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think
clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I
shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we
were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death.
I managed to get it lined up to back in between my truck and the
feeder...a little trap I had set beforehand. Kind of like a
squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and started moving up so
I could get my rope back. Did you know that deer bite? THEY DO! I
never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite
somebody so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab
that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer
bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just
bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head,
almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts. The proper
thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw
back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for
several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being
smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim
by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out
of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that
rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior
for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They
rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and
shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned
a long time ago that when an animal like a horse strikes at you
with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to
do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards
the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you
can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so such
trickery did not work. In the course of a millisecond I devised a
different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and
run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run
from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that
it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so
different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and
three times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me
right in the back of the head and knocked me down. Now when a deer
paws at you and knocks you down it does not immediately leave. I
suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What
they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while
you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your
head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went
away.

Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split
open, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty
good and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and
my back was bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas
jacket had protected me from most of the worst of it. I drove to
the nearest place, which was the co-op. I got out of the truck,
covered in blood and dust and looking like hell. The guy who ran
the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling
"Oh my God, What happened?" Now, I have never seen any law in the
state of Texas that would prohibit an individual from roping a
deer. I suspect that this is an area that they have overlooked
entirely. Probably because they didn't think anyone would be
stupid enough to try. And knowing, as I do, the lengths to which
law enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was
concerned that they may find a way to twist some existing laws to
paint my actions as criminal. I swear....not wanting to admit that
I had done something monumentally stupid played no part in my
response. I told him "I was attacked by a deer." I did not
mention that at the time It had my rope on it. The evidence was
all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it
had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face where it
had struck me. I asked him to call somebody to come get me...I
didn't think I could make it home on my own. So he did. Later that
afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to know
about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing
and Parks & Wildlife was interested in the event. I tried to
describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could ......
"Well, I was just filling the grain hopper and this deer came out
of nowhere and started kicking the hell out of me and BIT me! It
was obviously rabid or insane or something!" EVERYBODY for miles
around now knows about the deer attack (the guy at the co-op has a
big mouth). For several weeks people dragged their kids into the
house when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried
rifles when they filled their feeders. I have told several people
the story, but NEVER anybody around here. I have to see these
people every day and as a relative outsider ("gentleman
rancher/city folk" some say)...I have enough trouble fitting in
without them snickering behind my back and whispering "There's the
dumb-guy that tried to rope the deer !!".