Marty's Joke of the Day

Marty's Joke of the day is an internet column that I've written for more than 5 years.
I tell humorous stories about my "sweet wife" and raising our 4 young sons, named #1, #2, #3, and #4.
After 5 years of story telling, in August of 2005, doctors found a brain tumor in son #4.
Our focus here has changed little as we still try to find humor in our lives.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Violas and Guns

Happy Halloween!

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Yesterday was son #2’s Halloween orchestra concert at school. They
were actually pretty good for elementary school kids. I almost
recognized one of the songs. (Just kidding)

Later, the whole school had a Halloween parade, where all of the
kids dressed up and paraded through rows of parents with cameras. I
had to leave for work, but my sweet wife went back to see son #2
and #3. (Gandolf the White, and Death)

While she was home, she asked son #4 if he wanted to dress up in
his costume (A cowboy) to go see the parade. He said, “YES!” and
ran to get all of his stuff, including his orange 6-shooters. When
my sweet wife told him, “You can dress up, but they don’t allow any
kind of guns at school, so you can’t bring them” He got pretty mad
and said, “No momma! I want my guns!”

After several minutes of negotiations, son #4 decided that going as
a cowboy without his guns just wasn’t the same, so he didn’t dress

I guess rules are rules, even if... well, never mind.

Have a great weekend and...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!

p.s. Remember, to read ‘just the stories’ go to http://martysjotd.blogspot.com

Reader Comment Section:

[Hey, I put a picture of a painting that my sweet wife did of son
#4 on http://martysjotd.blogspot.com yesterday. It's cool looking!]

Marty - Where is it? All I could find was a family photo... (BTW
yours is a handsome family - but that's no surprise. Your stories
make it clear that you are exceptional - your kids are lucky to
have such caring, involved parents...)

[It’s there; you just have to scroll down further than you did.]

I can't resist a challenge like that, Jill H. When Marty was about
2nd grade, he and his best friend Mikey got into all kinds of
trouble... and the teacher reacted in a way that was typical for
that school district. She put the two of them in the back of the
room together so that they wouldn't bother the other kids. Needless
to say, we moved into another school district as soon as
possible. At the first parent-teacher conference, I asked if he had
been any trouble. The teacher sang his praises to high heaven and
we never again had any complaints. Of course, even in high school,
when I asked about his progress in class the teachers ALWAYS said
that they loved having him in class. "But how is his work?" "He is
so much fun to have in class!!" I never could get an answer to my
question, but he's still a lot of fun.
~Marty’s #1 Mom

[Well, it got me mostly A’s in class. That’s what counts, right?
Why, even my speling(!) teacher gave me straight A’s!]

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Moon and Rain

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Tonight was a total eclipse of the moon. Last week I read about it
on the net, and sent a link to my sweet wife. I had choir practice
tonight just before it started, so I couldn’t see it, but my sweet
wife remembered. She got the kids all ready to go out and see it.
It’s getting cold here so she put on their jackets, explained what
an eclipse was, and headed out the front door. Only to get drenched
with rain. They couldn’t see a thing.

I guess it isn’t that bad because we’ve had a [* long period of
abnormally low rainfall] for the past 7 years, so rain is a good

[*Ok, last time I mentioned our ‘lack of rain’ problem in an issue,
I creatively came up with “draught” not “drought”. (British
draft/beer not lack of rainfall). I seem to remember you readers
having a good chuckle over that one, so I haven’t mentioned it
again. But the rains are here so I don’t have to worry any more
about spelling, right?]

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

p.s. If you’re a Scouter or Scout supporter, this is really sad...

The Death of Canadian Scouting

p.p.s. Remember, to read ‘just the stories’ go to http://martysjotd.blogspot.com

Reader Comment Section:

Now the Cardinals are down 3 - 0 [Now it’s 4-0] and I'm cheering
for the Red Sox cuz I used to live in Boston..... Actually it's a
good thing that the Cards beat the Astros, because I wouldn't have
known who to cheer for if it was Sox vs Astros!
~your favorite sister in Houston

[So my world traveling sister, who would you have cheered for if
the Astros and Sox were playing, ‘eh? Someday my grandchildren’s
children will see the Cubs in the World Series!]

hey! don't forget the best part of carving a pumpkin is.....
cleaning the 'guts', putting them on a baking sheet of some kind,
sprinkling them w/some salt & spices & whalaaaaa....a snack!
~Linda W.

you didn't send your mom mondays issue!!! that calls for another
story from your mom about your childhood!! get him mom!!!
crusify him!!
~Jill M.

[Actually, I didn’t send you and issue either. :-) But she wouldn’t
tell any stories about me. I was a perfect child]

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Well-behaved boys and Ice Cream

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

“Monday’s issue is the worst issue you could miss.” My mom said as
we were out to dinner tonight. “I’ve already waited 3 days for an
issue, and you skip a Monday?”

Ok, ok, mom. You’re right.

But to my defense, my childhood friend was in town from Chicago,
and my sweet wife and I had dinner with him last night. We had dinner with him and the entire family again tonight. Last night it got kinda late when I got home, so I figured I should get some sleep.

Not only was my childhood friend from Chicago in town, but (don’t quote me on this) my mom’s 2nd cousin’s aunt on the ‘other’ side of the family was also here doing genealogy work. We’ve never met her before, but I think she would be in my grandparents generation.

Because it was my sister’s birthday, we decided to all go out to eat. I wasn’t sure how my mom’s cousin’s aunt would react to 4 little boys running around, so I primed her a little, “Now, they might be a little rambunctious” I said. I may have exaggerated a bit. Because when I took he back to her hotel, she said, “You have a lovely family.” And they were all very well behaved.

Cool! Payday compliment!

Anyway, of course something funny happened at dinner. (Something funny always happens at dinner if you look for it.) We all got a scoop of ice cream included with our dinners. Son #4 was eating his and got his left sleeve full of ice cream. While my sweet wife was wiping it off, she said, “Oh, son #4, how did you ever get so much ice cream on your sleeve?”

In all seriousness he said, “Like this mamma!”

And he plopped his right elbow in his ice cream dish.

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

p.s. Here’s a little funny...

Kerry’s hometown paper endorses Bush

Bush’s hometown paper endorses Kerry

I think it’s going to be a long first week or two in November.

p.p.s. Remember, to read ‘just the stories’ go to http://martysjotd.blogspot.com

Reader Comment Section:

WELL we did it Houston is dust
A Cardinal fan Delores from ST LOUIS

[Yea, but now you’re down 2 games to none. Get your guys going!]


Here's a painting of Son #4 that my sweet wife did. "Now, show me your angry
face..." he's good at that face


Thursday, October 21, 2004

What was that? Carbon Monoxide?

Thursday, October 21, 2004

“Honey!” I yelled up stairs.


“I’m writing the column. What happened funny tonight?”

“You don’t remember?”

Sighing and leaning on the wall, “No, I don’t remember. Tell me.”

“You remember, we were all laughing at the dinner table.”

Pause... “hmm... No, I guess I don’t remember...”

Again, pause... “I don’t remember either, but it was funny!”

“Just a sec.” Poking my head in the other room, “Son #2, what were
we all laughing at, at dinner tonight?”

“uhmmm... I don’t remember either...”

So, there you have it. Tonight you get to use your own imagination.
We must have lots of carbon monoxide in the house tonight. At least
we’ll sleep well!

Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Son #4's new trick

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Son #4 has a really cool new talent. He’ll walk up to just about
anyone, and say, “Watch me!” And if you don’t, he’ll keep bugging
you until you do watch him. He walks up to you with a glass full of
water. Then he drinks part of it, looks up at the ceiling, and
proceeds to gargle as loud as he can.

I think it’s one of those things that his brothers laughed at him
the first time he did it, so he thinks it’s the coolest thing in
the world.

Maybe I can sneak in some mouthwash next time!

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Pumpkins and Family night ants

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Around here, Monday is family night. Not just for our family but
our church encourages it. They say, “Setting aside time for the
family to be together can build a solid family foundation. Choose
one night a week to be family night. Be consistent in reserving
this time for the family. It should be a time focused exclusively
on the family—a time when the television is left off and phone
calls go unanswered.” Well, that’s our Monday night. And it seems
to work for us.

Now, if you’ve been with us awhile, you know that son #3 is our
‘holiday excitable’ child. He lives for the ‘kid’ holidays. The day
after Easter, he’ll be asking about the 4th of July. On the 5th of
July, he’ll be asking about Halloween. After Halloween, it’s non-
stop Christmas talk. For weeks he’s been bugging us to go and buy
pumpkins. So for family night last night we decided to get in the
old van and zoom down to the grocery store and get 6 pumpkins. On
the sidewalk outside of the store, there were 8 chest high cartons
on pallets with signs that said ‘Pumpkins 8¢ / lb’. That’s a good
price around here. So we were excited to dive in and find what we
could. The only problem was, what was left was really picked over.
Some were mashed, some were moldy, and few had stems on them.

There was another family picking over what was left, and we were
all about ready to go to a different store. Just then a half-sized
semi truck (That would be a quarter-truck??) pulled up. I asked the
driver if there were pumpkins inside. He said yes, but they had to
get the forklift first. That took about 10 minutes.

What happened next was one of the strangest things I’ve seen. It
was like a piece of candy dropped on a playground. The ants just
know it’s there and are attracted to it. When the truck pulled up,
there were just two families. By the time the forklift got there 10
minutes later, there must have been another 10 or 12 more families
waiting for fresh pumpkins. And each family had several kids with
them. We waited for the crates to be taken off of the truck, and
picked out fresher and nicer pumpkins. It was almost like a last
minute Christmas sale, but people were much more pleasant.

It was just a strange site.

Anyway, we’ve always had this rule that if you can’t pick up your
pumpkin, it’s too big. We found out son #3 can lift 30 pounds! So,
after getting just less than 100 pounds of pumpkins ($7.99 with
tax) we decided to stop at the grocery store’s deli and get an ice-
cream cones, and head home. It’s now been just over 24 hours, and
I’ve been asked by son #3 no less than a dozen times, “When are we
going to carve the pumpkins dad?”

“Before Halloween” is all I’ve come up with so far.

And... Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Monday, October 18, 2004

Pants and Shotguns

Monday, October 18, 2004

Saturday turned out to be a really busy day. It’s been awhile since I’ve had a one-on-one Saturday with any of the boys. (Except last week when I took son #2 hunting). I couldn’t remember if it was son #3 or son #4’s Saturday, so I decided to split the day between the two of them. After coming up with a wonderful plan for the day, I remembered the young men and young women at our church had planned trap shooting local gun club. Son #1 and I were supposed to be there at 3:30.

I figured I better hustle to get everything done. As I jumped in the shower, I told son #4 to get ready to go. When I was dressed and heading out the door, son #4 came running out and said, “ok, let’s go!” I looked at him and smiled. I told him he couldn’t go yet because he wasn’t dressed. (He only had a t-shirt, underwear, and socks on.) I said, “If you hurry and get dressed, you can still come with.” (that usually gets them running)

In he ran back in the house as fast as his little legs would carry him, and then came running back out. He didn’t have any more clothes on, but said, “Here dad, put these on” and handed me two shoes.

He finally did get all of the way dressed and we had a good time. Then I took son #3 to the dollar store and a garage sale. We didn’t have time for much else, because it was time to take son #1 trap shooting.

I was a little nervous with 20 teenagers and 9 shotguns, but after much instruction we had a great time. I even impressed myself by killing a bunch of innocent clay pigeons.

Son #1 had a little different experience. He shot a 20 gage single shotgun, and even hit a few. But on his first shot, he held the butt of the gun firmly on his upper arm, not his shoulder. So he was a little sore there the rest of the day.

We all had fun on Saturday and came back in once piece.

And... Enjoy today’s Jokes!

p.s. Remember, to read ‘just the stories’ go to http://martysjotd.blogspot.com

Reader Comment Section:

alt="Click for www.electoral-vote.com" width="144" height="96" />

you better tell your sister to forget the Astro and watch my
Cardinal ST LOUIS is hot

[Let’s see, the series is tied 2-2 and it’s the top of the 9th with
a 0-0 score... I’d say it’s pretty even right now]

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Toothpaste and Political humor

Thursday, October 14, 2004

I told you the other day that son #4 went to have his teeth cleaned
for the very first time. You’d think he’d never seen a toothbrush
before (we promise he has mom!)

My sweet wife said that he’s been enamored with the new toothbrush
he got from my mom when he went to the dentist. Yesterday he
brushed his teeth 4 times. He’s even washed his hands with the
toothpaste. He carries his toothbrush and toothpaste with him all
of the time. When my sweet wife and son #4 went to pick up son #1
from school he took his dental tools with him. He wanted to brush
his teeth again, and my sweet wife said, “Wait until we get home.”
Half way there, with a mouth full of toothpaste foam, he complained
that there wasn’t a place to spit.

Maybe he’ll be a dentist. They make lots of money don’t they?

Enjoy today’s Jokes!


Ok, and I think this is my favorite joke now. I just ~have~ to put it
in the Blog


Are you a Democrat, a Republican or a Southern Republican? With
elections coming up, we should all decide. Here is a little test
that may help you decide.

Question: How do you tell the difference between a Democrat, a
Republican and a Southern Republican?

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes
around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises
the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an
expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your
family. What do you do?


Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer
the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly
swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message
does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to
wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away
while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a
happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends
for a few days and try to come to a consensus.


Republican's Answer: BANG!


Southern Republican's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click. Daughter's voice,
"Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips??"

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Camping out in the back yard?

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

We have a couple of new boys in our troop. They only have a few
requirements left before they get their 2nd class rank advancement.
One of the things that they needed to do was to sharpen axes and
knives, cut some wood, and make a fire. We’ve been trying to plan a
campout for a while so they could finish these requirements, but we
just haven’t found a weekend that will work for everyone.

Fortunately, there is this really nice guy in our neighborhood that
agreed to let us use a fire pit in his back yard for the scouts to
pass off their requirements. So we went over for scouts last night.
The 3 scouts took awhile, but they got their fires started.

Now “camping” and making a campfire in a back yard is ok, but it’s
not quite the same as camping in the woods or in the mountains.
While sitting around roasting marshmallows, you’re never sure what
camp stories you can tell, or who’s listening behind the fence
that’s 10 feet away.

But, we had fun anyway!

And... Enjoy today’s Jokes!

p.s. Remember, to read ‘just the stories’ go to http://martysjotd.blogspot.com

Reader Comment Section:

Hey Marty,

I think your son #4 is going to be a leg man when he grows up.
While I was sitting in front of your family in church last Sunday,
son #4 kept tickling my legs.
Justin's Favorite Sister from AZ

[Are you sure that wasn’t zippy the turtle? She really likes to get
out and travel!]

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Look what I can do grandma!

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Today my sweet wife had a dental appointment to clean her teeth.
It’s a little easier experience (at least for me) because I just go
to my mom’s office, and she takes care of me. She does like to
squirt water up my nose though. My mom had an appointment cancel,
so there was an extra slot open. She called my sweet wife to tell
her to bring son #4 in for his first dental experience.

He was a little scared when he saw his grandma with a mask on, but
he got over it quickly. I guess he played and drew pictures nicely
while it was my wife’s turn in the chair. One of the other people
poked her head in and said to him, “Hi, how are you?” He said, “My
name is son #4. I go potty in the boys bathroom, and my mom goes in
the girls one.” Then he got mad when everyone started laughing.

Then it was his turn in the chair. Because he’s got an “insider” in
the business, he got to sit in the chair and make it go up and
down. Then he got to put in his grandma in the chair and make her
go up and down. Then he found another button that tipped her head
down and her feet up. She went so far that she had to grab the arms
of the chair so she wouldn’t fall out. As my sweet wife quickly
pushed the opposite button to put my mom back upright, and said, “I
didn’t think it would go that far.” My mom nervously said, “I
didn’t either!”

Anyway... Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Monday, October 11, 2004

Columbus Day Monoply Shark

Monday, October 11, 2004

I guess today was Columbus Day. This is one of those holidays you
really don’t realize is there, until you find your bank closed, the
kids end up having a ‘teacher’ day, and the mail doesn’t come. But,
this year’s Columbus Day was all for the best. I was scheduled to
work the late swing shift, and all of the boys were home today. So,
instead of our usual Monday night family night, we had a family
‘day’. We had a nice big breakfast, goofed around a little bit, and
even had time to play monopoly.

Now, you have to realize, I am the worlds biggest monopoly player.
I love the game, I’m ruthless at it, and usually win. Most of the
family won’t play me anymore because I get so ‘in’ to the game. So
when sons #1 and #2 played me, and tried to gang up on me, I
figured I could still win. But, I started out slow with less
property then they had, I kept giving them hints on how to play to
kill me. (Bad idea)

At one point I was desperate and offered son #2 to trade my two
green properties for one dark purple (to make my only set) one
light blue, one purple, and one red property. Giving me 2/3rds of
the 3 sets each and the ‘little’ set. That also gave him the green
set, and something for me to try and work on. [Monopoly trivia:
Green is the most difficult set to improve when looking at the cost
vs. return] (A lot of good that bit if trivia did me!)

Son #1 kept saying it was the worst deal in the world and son #2
shouldn’t do it. So, cash rich and property poor, I ended up
throwing in $300 before son #2 finally took the bait. Then
proceeded to kill son #1 and I within the next 15 minutes. Son #2
was never so happy. “I beat dad at Monopoly! I bead dad!”

I tried to tell him about being a sore winner as I sulked off and
threw a parting shot, “winner has to clean up the game”...

Ahh, but little do they know that it was all a ploy to get them to
want to play again. I’ll wait until they save their allowance, let
them wager it all, then play as Monopoly-Shark-Dad!

I shall return!

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Cheap Date - I love Subway

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Frugality is my friend. I bought a coupon ‘card’ from one of the
local high school football players. It’s where you show the
merchant the card, get the offer, and then keep the card. One of
the offers is a buy-one get-one free Subway sandwich deal. With so
many points on your Subway card (Utah is a test state) you get free

Tonight my sweet wife suggested we see a move and go somewhere
cheap for dinner. (My sweet wife is my friend too...)

We went to see I Robot at the dollar theater. (2½ out of 5 stars)
Snuck in popcorn, (See mom, I’m telling them how bad I am again)
got a free sandwich at Subway, plus brought home a 6” sandwich for
the kids to munch on.

Cheap date total? Seven bucks.

But the really important thing was my sweet wife and I actually got
to talk about anything we wanted without any of the boys yelling
for something!

And... Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Parent-Teacher Conference and Acting Lessons

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Tonight was our first experience at parent-teacher conference for Jr. High. In the big double gym, they had all of the teachers, sorted alphabetically, seated at tables along the walls. You found your teacher, stood in line, and then got about 3 minutes to listen and ask questions.

My sweet wife was right guessing that his Utah studies teacher was a ‘first timer’. She certainly looked like a first year teacher. But, she remembered son #1 (unlike a few of the other teachers we spoke with.) Anyway, she said she was impressed with his work and chose him to be a group leader in doing some projects. Because he... could get the group going and stay on task. (She’s talking about Son #1 right?)

Anyway, after talking about his work, I asked her if there were any cute redheaded, brace-wearing girls in his group. (I left out the acne part). She smiled and said, “Oh, you mean Madelyn Wineburger. Yes, she’s in his group and is very cute. Your son and she work very well tighter, but she’s about a foot taller than he is.”

Isn’t everyone?

Anyway, I guess she didn’t have braces, so we’re not sure we’ve got the right one yet.

Some of the lines to speak with a teacher were pretty long. Son #1’s English and Language Arts teacher had a long line. This teacher had the lead of John Adams in the summer performance of “1776” at one of the largest theaters in town. So, to me he seemed, not really flamboyant, but a bit showy. When we finally got our turn to talk to him about son #1, he kept eyeing the line behind us. We got the information we needed and finished up. (Son #1 tested a grade or more above the national average and his grades are in the mid-90s). When we were done the teacher stood up and spoke in a booming ‘theatre’ voice to the line behind us and said, “Thank you ladies and gentlemen. That was just about the best and shortest conference I’ve had tonight. Don’t you think I deserve some applause?” A few clapped while I rolled my eyes and we left.

And... Enjoy today’s Jokes!

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Being offensive - Blind Redheaded Mormons

Welcome to: Marty's Joke of the Day

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Tuesday, October 05, 2004

“Mom, I think I like braces. I think they look cool.” Said Son #1
to my sweet wife the other day.

She said, “Huh? Why do you like braces?”

“I dunno, I like red hair too.” He continued.

“Oh really?” she said.

“And acne isn’t all that bad either.” He finished with.

My sweet wife waited just a second and said, “So, what’s her name?”

“Oh never mind!” he said as he turned and walked off.

So he likes red headed girls with braces and zits ‘eh? Well, we all
have to start out somewhere. (Grin)

Maybe that’s a little offensive. Well, guess I’m in a bit of an
offensive mood today. Look at this article I found. I found it on
the internet. We know that everything you find on the internet is
truth right?

Anyway, a teacher put a picture of the current president on the
wall next to the other presidents for back to school parent night.
One parent insisted the teacher put up a photo of John Kerry too,
or take down the president’s picture. She got kicked out of school
by the principal. Go figure!

I guess I’m trying to see how many folks I can offend today. I
wonder if there are any of our readers who are red headed, red
neck’d, braces wearing, blind, Mormons with acne! If you’re out
there, speak up! Read today’s jokes...

And... Enjoy today’s Jokes!

p.s. Remember, to read ‘just the stories’ go to http://martysjotd.blogspot.com