Marty's Joke of the Day

Marty's Joke of the day is an internet column that I've written for more than 5 years.
I tell humorous stories about my "sweet wife" and raising our 4 young sons, named #1, #2, #3, and #4.
After 5 years of story telling, in August of 2005, doctors found a brain tumor in son #4.
Our focus here has changed little as we still try to find humor in our lives.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

3/28 - Quiet Scouts?

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Ok, 90% of the time I drive alone. Mostly to work or school. So, I
don’t often get to drive with a bunch of people, except when the
family is going somewhere, or sometimes on Scout nights. Tonight
was a Scout night. We went downtown to see some national historic
buildings for the Citizen in the Nation Merit Badge.

There were only 2 leaders tonight and 10 boys. Can you imagine how
loud 5 12 and 13 year old boys can be in a car? I was dreading the
loud drive downtown, but I remembered a gift that Santa brought
my boys last Christmas. A portable DVD player. When son #2 and I
got ready to go, I grabbed it and brought it along.

I think a portable DVD player is the best investment that Santa
ever made! I had the SPL in the front seat, and we had a half way
serious conversation. In the rear view mirror there were 8 eyes
glued to Time Bandits on the back of my seat. It was wonderful!

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!

Reader Comments

The blonde video is hilarious! I laughed my face off! Have a
great day!
~Lani L.

News and Headlines section

Mysterious hexagon spotted above Saturn


Illegal immigrants allowed at least five strikes
Border-crossings guidelines revealed amid probe into U.S. attorney firings


Marines ban big, garish tattoos


Today’s Video
Eddie Griffin crashes a 1.5 million dollar Ferrari Enzo


Kid Wisdom

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.

Stay away from prunes.

Don't pull your dad's finger when he tells you to.

Never leave your three-year-old brother in the same room as
your school assignment.

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.

Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when
she's on the phone.
~Debi S


Okay, you've heard of Murphy's famous Law: Everything that can go
wrong will go wrong. Well, there are many other related Laws. Here
are some:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin
to itch.
--Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair

Identical parts aren't. --Beach's Law

Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
--Anthony's Law of the Workshop

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
--Tussman's Law

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
--Lowery's Law

The solution to a problem changes the problem.
--Peer's Law

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be
solved by brute strength and ignorance.
--William's Law

Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology.
2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.

Machines should work. People should think.
--IBM's Pollyanna Principle:

The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the
place where they can do the least damage - management.
--The Dilbert Principle

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
--Ehrlich's Law

It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you
are in a hurry.
--Ralph's Observation

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat
tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
--Cannon's Comment



Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different
prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3
weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday
of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell
only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by

the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any
more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times
a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with
your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase
your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't
use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint
you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall
and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the
bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I
already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is
used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if
I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the
$200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a quart"

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in
half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second
half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have
labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty

Customer: The heck with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for
your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from
someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall
and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that
if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which
you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in
one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference
on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now,

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.
~Uncle Butter

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