3/28 - Quiet Scouts?

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Wednesday, March 28, 2007
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Ok, 90% of the time I drive alone. Mostly to work or school. So, I
don’t often get to drive with a bunch of people, except when the
family is going somewhere, or sometimes on Scout nights. Tonight
was a Scout night. We went downtown to see some national historic
buildings for the Citizen in the Nation Merit Badge.

There were only 2 leaders tonight and 10 boys. Can you imagine how
loud 5 12 and 13 year old boys can be in a car? I was dreading the
loud drive downtown, but I remembered a gift that Santa brought
my boys last Christmas. A portable DVD player. When son #2 and I
got ready to go, I grabbed it and brought it along.

I think a portable DVD player is the best investment that Santa
ever made! I had the SPL in the front seat, and we had a half way
serious conversation. In the rear view mirror there were 8 eyes
glued to Time Bandits on the back of my seat. It was wonderful!

Enjoy Today’s Jokes!
Marty

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Reader Comments

Marty,
The blonde video is hilarious! I laughed my face off! Have a
great day!
~Lani L.

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News and Headlines section


Mysterious hexagon spotted above Saturn

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Illegal immigrants allowed at least five strikes
Border-crossings guidelines revealed amid probe into U.S. attorney firings

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Marines ban big, garish tattoos

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Today’s Video
Eddie Griffin crashes a 1.5 million dollar Ferrari Enzo


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Kid Wisdom

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't
answer.

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.

Stay away from prunes.

Don't pull your dad's finger when he tells you to.

Never leave your three-year-old brother in the same room as
your school assignment.

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.

Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when
she's on the phone.
~Debi S

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Okay, you've heard of Murphy's famous Law: Everything that can go
wrong will go wrong. Well, there are many other related Laws. Here
are some:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin
to itch.
--Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair

Identical parts aren't. --Beach's Law

Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
corner.
--Anthony's Law of the Workshop

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
--Tussman's Law

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
--Lowery's Law

The solution to a problem changes the problem.
--Peer's Law

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be
solved by brute strength and ignorance.
--William's Law

Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology.
2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.

Machines should work. People should think.
--IBM's Pollyanna Principle:

The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the
place where they can do the least damage - management.
--The Dilbert Principle

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
--Ehrlich's Law

It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you
are in a hurry.
--Ralph's Observation

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat
tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
--Cannon's Comment

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IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different
prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3
weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday
of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell
only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by

the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any
more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times
a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with
your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase
your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have
enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't
use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint
you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall
and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the
bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I
already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is
used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of
problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if
I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the
$200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a quart"
signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in
half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second
half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have
labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty
cans.

Customer: The heck with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for
your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from
someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall
and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that
if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which
you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in
one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference
on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now,
sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.
~Uncle Butter

2/26 - Is Nine a lot?

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Monday, February 26, 2007
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Welcome to Marty’s Joke of the Day! Let me introduce myself;
I’m the guy who’s supposed to write funny stories about my
family a couple times a week. I’m supposed to anyway. Last
week was just a wee bit busy. I’d rather have been on a
cruise, or camping, or something like that, but alas, it was
nothing exciting, just life.

One of the big time suckers last week was our rental house.
The 3x3 foot shower stall was toast, so we decided to redo
the entire thing. We had the plumbing ripped out and
replaced, and then decided to tile the inside. Let me tell
you, cutting tile (requires a wet saw), attaching it to the
walls, and then applying grout is a messy messy messy job.
Plus there is waiting time so things can set and dry. (Ok, we
cheated a little on a few parts, but...) More than once, I
shook my head and said, “Is this really worth it?” But, now
that it’s done, it’s a clean, sharp, professional looking job
that I’m happy with.

Last Friday when we were working on the shower, Manual J.
stopped by with a rental application. He spoke little English
as I questioned him about the application. I’ve picked up
some Spanish, so I can almost hold my own. (ok, not
really...) But when I looked at the list of people he wanted
to live in my house, there were 9; 3 kids and 6 adults. When
I questioned him, he replied, “Is 9 people a lot?” I smiled
and said, “Oh, no. Not really.” I lied.

On Wednesday, son #4 had what they call “Brain Tumor Clinic”.
Instead of making a bunch of doctor appointments, we go to a
long appointment where all of the doctors come in to see you.
Son #4 seems to be doing fine in most areas. But one area of
concern is endocrinology. One of his endo lab results that
was up in October and November, is now back to normal. But,
there was one other result that was elevated. (It all has to
do with the radiation treatment he got in Dec ’05) There is
nothing physically wrong indicating precocious puberty, so
the Doc scratched his head and recommended that we WWW (Wait
Watch and Worry) for another 4 months. (After a year of MRI
scans every 3 months, we’ve graduated to the 4 month plan for
a year. Yipee!) Then the Doc did a physical exam on son #4
‘down there’. Son #4 asked me later that day, “Dad, did you
see what the doctor did?” So we talked again about, well...
stuff... and only with Mom, Dad, or Doctors (with Mom or Dad)
present. I told him is ok, even encouraged, to ask questions.
It was another good teaching moment.

Anyway, this doc is the same doc was asked by son #4 at his
physical exam last fall, “Did you wash your hands?” after he
was done, while he was writing in the chart. He hadn’t. This
time, son #4 said the same thing when he was done. “Don’t
forget to wash your hands!” He did this time...

Enjoy Today’s Jokes
Marty

p.s. Here’s a funny little video I came across. Things that
make you scratch your head and say, hmm...



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Reader Comment Section:

Hey Marty,
In our case, it was love, lust, engagement, baby and the
marriage moved up 3 months. TWenty-eight years later we still
have the love, lust, marriage and 2 adult daughters.
Television and those highly liberal shows are partly to blame
for the changed values in today's youth. Many come from
divorced parents and think that is the norm. A lack of
responsibilities and discipline is also to blame.
~Jim in Indiana

[28? Awesome! I can’t believe my 20 was last year. Seems like
just 19 years ago...]

Marty, I really [get] on the "soap box" about those
commitment issues... I am old fashioned and believe in love,
commitment and marriage before children. People today do not
share the same values that we were raised with. I love people
but I do not love their actions. The only way to protect your
investment is to charge non-refundable pet deposits, security
deposits, collect first and last months rent and do
background checks and check reference and "pray".
This seems drastic but it is not cost effective to spend
$4000.00 in repairs after each rental. In the absense of
commitments that can be trusted; this is your only recourse.
It is a sad state of affairs as to what we have come to. I
still believe that there are good honest people out there but
the few people that cannot be trusted has made it hard for
everyone else. This is still too long but I've never been a
person of few words. Lol This is my opinion and I'm sure that
most will not agree with me. For the record; I am a renter
and do not own property but I've always left my places in
better condition than what they were when I rented them. I'm
so happy that son #4 is stable. I do enjoy the window into
your family that you give us with your blog and updates. Keep
up the good work. We all love it.
~Joni D. Houston, Tx.

[‘always left my places in better condition...’ Hey, you’re
not moving to Utah in the next week or so, are you??]


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Words that aren’t in the dictionary, but should be.
A-Z

Abracadabbler: an amateur magician.

Badaptation: a bad movie version of a good book.

Carbage: the trash found in your automobile.

Dadicated: being the best father you can be.

Ecrastinate: checking your e-mail just one more time.

Faddict: someone who has to try every new trend that comes
along.

Gabberflasted: the state of being speechless due to someone
else talking too much.

Hackchoo: when you sneeze and cough at the same time.

Iceburg: an uppity, snobbish neighborhood.

Jobsolete: a position within a company that no longer
exists.

Knewlyweds: second marriage for both.

Lamplify: turning on (or up) the lights within a room.

Mandals: sandals for men.

Nagivator: someone who constantly assists with driving
directions in an overly critical manner.

Obliment: an obligatory compliment.

Pestariffic: adjective describing a particularly pesty
person.

Qcumbersome: a salad that contains too many cucumbers.

Ramdumbtious: a rowdy, energetic person who's not too
bright.

Sanktuary: a graveyard for ships.

Testimoney: fees paid to expert witnesses.

Unbrella: an umbrella that the wind has turned inside-out.

Vehiculized: you own a vehicle.

Wackajacky: very messed up.

Xerocks: two identical pieces of stone.

Yawnese: the language of someone trying to speak while
yawning.

Zingle: a single person with a lot of pep in his or her
step.

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My wife clipped a job listing out of the paper for me. She
said it wasn't much to start out... but a huge pay raise. It
read, "Salary: 23k to start. 401k after 1 yr."


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While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue
over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me.
Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the
shoulder. "Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear." "I should hope
not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."