Marty's Joke of the Day

Marty's Joke of the day is an internet column that I've written for more than 5 years.
I tell humorous stories about my "sweet wife" and raising our 4 young sons, named #1, #2, #3, and #4.
After 5 years of story telling, in August of 2005, doctors found a brain tumor in son #4.
Our focus here has changed little as we still try to find humor in our lives.

Friday, February 16, 2007

2/16 - MRI Results

Friday, February 16, 2007
Thought I’d do an update. Son #4 has CLEAN SCANS yet again! Ok,
the radiologist didn’t come out and say, “Good news, your son
had clean scans.” He said, “Good news, everything is stable.” I
don’t think I like that word, “stable”. There’s a little blip in
son #4’s noodle that they long ago determined was scar tissue.
Yet each time he has an MRI, it’s “everything is stable” not
“we have clean scans again.” I don’t know, maybe it’s just sleep
depravation. But, at least I’ll be able to sleep tonight. Yipee!

So, a bit more on the Trolley Square thing; it’s kind of sad to
hear some of the stories of the victims. It was just such a
random thing. All very sad. Yes, there are “no guns allowed”
sings all over Trolley Square. When they interviewed the off
duty officer, we got to see his wife. Either he’s really tall,
or she’s really short. Or both. The officer’s wife was a very
young looking, cute little red-headed, pregnant girl. She looked
very innocent, and had that sweet (what we affectionately call
around here) “Molly Mormon” look about her. But when she spoke,
she spoke with confidence and poise. Then we heard later that
she was also ‘packing heat’. Guess you really can’t judge a book
by its cover.

Now a funny on son #4. He likes to play video games. (It’s kind
of funny to see him get up really close to the screen and turn
his head so his one ‘good’ eye can see.) Anyway, that’s where he
gets a lot of his phrases he uses. And phrases that we have to
correct, and monitor the games even closer. The other day he
said, “I’m going to kick you’re aXX” My sweet wife sat him down
and told him that that was a swear word and that he shouldn’t
use it. She said he could use the word ‘butt’. (which, ok, isn’t
perfect but better I guess...) So, anyway, the next day he let
the same phrase slip. She said, “Do you want me to wash out your
mouth with soap?” He hung his head and said, “no”. She hugged
him and told him not to use that word again. He went into the
bathroom and grabbed the liquid soap and rubbed it in his mouth,
by himself. My sweet wife said, “Why did you do that?” he said,
“How else am I going to learn?”

Hmm... I think I just want to fast forward 15 years and see what
he’s turned into.

Enjoy today’s Jokes


Those of you who are as old as I am will be able to relate to
these lyrics; those who are still young will get a preview of
what is in store for you!

To commemorate her 69th Birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist
Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio
City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite
Things" from the Legendary movie "Sound of Music"Here are the lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,

Pacemakers, go carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinning,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinning,
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints aches,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.



1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is:

[Ok, let me jump into this joke here for a second. I’ll be
brief. I was in training the other day, and we had a trainer
from back east. We have a hospital that has “Alta” in the name.
He kept pronouncing it ALL-ta (like “All” the president’s men).
We, who live and say this name on a daily basis say AL-ta (like
“Al” Bundy on Home improvement). I think I should have said
something, but didn’t. It’s kind of like the great state of
Nevada that boarders right next to the (greater) state of Utah.
I hear senators and congressmen from back east say Na-Vaah-da
(aah, as in stick your tongue out and say aah…) when it’s
supposed to be pronounced Na-Va-da (‘a’ like in back). But,
enough of my ramblings, back to the joke.]

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening
rush hour is from noon to 7:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on
Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On
Loop 101, your speed is expected to match the highway number.
Anything less is considered "Wussy".

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has
its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks
with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks
with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley, SUV-
driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear
ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense
that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix.
Detour barrels are moved around during the middle of the night
to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks,
dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded
tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas,
roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.

9. The Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the "I-10" are the
same road.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to
the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been
"accidentally activated."

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65
mph zone, you are considered a slow-moving road hazard and will
be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be

12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on
your hands.


When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters
for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display
near the checkout counter. During one trip, some women in line
behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers
for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked. Before I
could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine,
said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes

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