6/29 - Crazy Fast Pink Shirt

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Thursday, June 29, 2006
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Yesterday while my sweet wife and I were out spending the day
together, I announced that I needed some short sleeve shirts.
(After all, it is a little late in the year to be wearing my long
sleeve shirts to work!) We stopped and I got a couple. Then, on
the way out we looked at the bargain shelf. $10 shirts. Hmm... not
bad. Then I spotted a pink one in my size, and daring me to buy
it. “Hey, how about this one?” “You? Wearing a pink shirt? I’d
like to see that!” I couldn’t let that challenge go buy, so we got
it.

When I put it on this morning, son #3 said, “A PINK SHIRT?!”
“Yeah?” I said. He said, “That’s a girl’s color...”. I turned to
my sweet wife and said, “I’m going to count all of the comments I
get today on my new shirt.” I got a grand total of 1. It was from
my ‘Harry Potter’ friend at work. “Pink!” She said. I said
relieved, “Thanks. I didn’t think anyone was going to notice.”

Son #4 calls our minivan “the tank” and my Alero the “crazy fast
red car”. Last month was my 2 year anniversary of buying the car,
and I haven’t had a ticket yet. That is until today. I was a bit
late to work, going with the flow of traffic, and I got nailed. I
was amazed that the whole event took less than 6 minutes. From me
being pulled over, to having to sign the ticket, “Not admitting
guilt sir.” to being let go. So, I guess its traffic school for
me, plus a hefty fine. The officer gave me a ticket for going 5
mph over, but also wrote down my actual speed that two officers
clocked me at. (No, I’m not going to tell...) So, I guess I should
fell relieved. I was hoping for a warning, but with a snazzy pink
shirt on, I don’t think that would have helped. At least he didn’t
say anything about my 3 week old expired plates!




Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

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I am an oral surgeon, and once I was scheduled to extract four
wisdom teeth from Jim, a high-school football player, who had
opted to be sedated for the procedure. As the intravenous
anesthesia was being administered, I asked Jim how he was
feeling. "Man," he replied, struggling to keep his eyes open, "I
feel like I'm in English class."

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Because of professional commitments, my wife stayed in Maryland
for a year after I took a teaching job in South Carolina. Some of
my ninth-grade music-appreciation students, however, had
difficulty understanding our separation. One day, while I was
playing a Beethoven symphony for them, a girl asked, "Do you
listen to that kind of music at home?" When I answered that I did,
another student muttered, "No wonder his wife won't live with
him."

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As my husband, the county highway commissioner, was driving to the
hospital for treatment of his painful knee injury, he decided to
take advantage of the hospital's Valet parking. As he exited his
car, a young man with the Valet parking co., comes up and asks my
husband if this was a government vehicle. "Yes," my husband
replied, surprised by the question. "In fact it's an unmarked
police car." "Wow!" the young man said, sliding behind the wheel.
"This will be the first time I've been in the front seat."

6/28 - Here's to another 20!

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Wednesday, June 28, 2006
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Happy Anniversary to us, happy anniversary to us, happy
anniversary...

Wow, we hit the big two zero today. That must mean I’m getting
old! I was a little mean to my sweet wife this morning. I told her
that I was working, and had a busy day ahead of me. Then I got up,
showered, shaved, and shined, and left for work at the normal
time. 20 minutes later I rang our doorbell with 2 dozen roses for
her. (24 are cheaper than 20. Go figure) She was quiet taken
aback. We went to son’s #3 and #4’s swimming lessons together, and
then I shuffled them off to a baby sitter for most of the day.
Then just the two of us went out and had some fun. I bought her
some gourmet cupcakes from a neighbor friend of ours
and then went shopping, walking, talking, had lunch together, etc.
We had a nice little day together. After 20 years, my sweet wife
is still my best pal...

Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

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In 1815 French chemist Michael Eugene Chevreul realized the first
link between diabetes and sugar metabolism when he discovered that
the urine of a diabetic was identical to grape sugar... ...It was
also the first step in realizing he had WAY too much time on his
hands.
--(Isaac Asimov's BOOK OF FACTS)

=-=-=-

"You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer
online. But that seems kind of cruel, doesn't it? Like asking your
dying spouse if he or she has any cute friends."
--Scott Ostler

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On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a
race horse with him to add to the starting lineup. The coach asks,
"What the heck did you bring that horse here for?" The scout
replies, "Wait until you see him bat." All the players are
laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this point, the horse
grabs the bat and everyone quiets down. They stare at the horse.
The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward
home plate, when astonishingly, the horse hits the ball deep into
the outfield. The horse just stands there and does not move. The
manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run
to first base. The scout looks back at the manager and yells back,
"If he could run, he'd be at Belmont!"

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Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around
Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't
paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says,
"That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I
can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy
says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife
look like? The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and she's wearing tight white
shorts. What does your wife look like?" The old guy says, "Doesn't
matter --- let's look for yours."

6/27 - Ice Cold Skiing with Superman!

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Tuesday, June 27, 2006
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Friday and Saturday was our annual Youth conference. That’s where
the youth ages 12-17 get together and do activities over a couple
of days. This year they hiked up to Timpanogos Cave National
Monument, climbed a rock wall and did some scripture games.

Saturday my scouts cooked breakfast for about 35 people. I was a
little worried, but we all got a lot of compliments. All of the
Scouts did a great job! We might even do that for a fund raiser for
camp next year... Anyway, one of the highlight of the day was going
up to Jordanelle reservoir state park. I brought the ol’ canoe, and
along with 4 other canoes, and two ski boats, everyone had a
wonderful time.

Sons #1 and #2 and I went out later in the afternoon on the
smaller boat to have some fun. Neither of the boys had been on a
boat like that before, and they said it was the best part of the
two day conference. At the end of the day I learned what it means
to “pull a superman”. Son #2 tried (unsuccessfully) to use a wake
board. When the boat took off he started to get up, but the wake
board wasn’t tight enough on his feet and fell off. But he kept
hold of the rope like a trooper. But as he went down, he didn’t
let go. With his life jacket on, he floated but with the speed of
the boat he was under the water about 6 inches. With his arms
outstretched and water flowing over his semi-submerged head, he
looked just like superman flying through the water. Then he
realized that he ought to do something, so he put his right hand
in the air as if to say, “ok, you can stop now.” That looked even
funnier. After a second or two, he realized that he should
probably let go. So he did. We all had a good chuckle over that.



Anyway, Son #1 had such a great time, he kept saying, “You should
get a boat dad! You should buy a boat!” At one point he asked the
boat owner, “So, how much is it to get in and launch your boat
here?” He replied, “$9”. “See dad! It’s not that much!”...

Later, on the way home, a friend who I was driving with said, “Ya
know, a friend of mine once told me how you could tell if you
would be comfortable as a boat owner. He told me you should sit in
a bathtub and fill it full of cold water. Then, add in a lot of
ice, just to make sure you are ok with the temperature. If you’re
comfortable with that, you’re getting close. Then he said; pull
the plug and let the water start to drain out. As the water
drains, take $100 bills and stuff them down the drain with the
water. He said, if you’re comfortable with that, then you’d be a
good boat owner.”

Hmm... I’m not sure I like the ice in the water bit...

For those of you who get this as email...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

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With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the
moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important
person which almost went unnoticed at the end of May. Larry La
Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age
93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into
the coffin. They put his left leg in. Then the trouble started....
~#1 Sister - Amy

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We were conducting flight operations aboard the USS Independence
off Jacksonville, Fla. The topside safety petty officer on the
No. 3 catapult was accidentally blown over the side by the exhaust
of a turning F-4 Phantom jet. All those who witnessed the
incident thought for sure the man was lost, because the flight
deck was 65 feet above the ocean. Fortunately, he was rescued by
the ship's helicopter. Later that day, I visited him in sick
bay. "Were you scared?" I asked. "Scared?" he said. "I yelled
'Man overboard!' three times before I hit the water!"

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Small Town People, those who grew up in small towns will laugh
when they read this. Those who didn't will be in disbelief!

1) You can name everyone you graduated with.
2) You know what 4-H means.
3) You went to parties at a pasture, barn, gravel pit, or in the
middle of a dirt road. On Monday you could always tell who was at
the party because of the scratches on their legs from running
through the woods when the party was busted. (See # 6.)
4) You used to "drag" Main.
5) You said the "F" word and your parents knew within the hour.
6) You scheduled parties around the schedules of different police
officers because you knew which ones would bust you and which ones
wouldn't.
7) You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks
knew how old you were (and if you were old enough, they'd tell
your parents anyhow).
8) When you did find somebody old enough and brave enough to buy
cigarettes, you still had to go out into the country and drive on
back roads to smoke them.
9) You knew which section of the ditch you would find the beer
your buyer dropped off.
10) It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.
11) The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
12) You didn't give directions by street names but rather by
references. Turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks to Anderson's,
and it's four houses left of the track field.
13) The golf course had only 9 holes.
14) You couldn't help but date a friend's ex-oyfriend/girlfriend.
15) Your car stayed filthy because of the dirt roads, and you
will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.
16) The town next to you was considered "trashy" or "snooty," but
was actually just like your town.
17) You referred to anyone with a house newer then 1940 as the
"rich people."
18) The people in the "big city" dressed funny, and then you
picked up the trend two years later.
19) Anyone you wanted could be found at the local gas station or
the town bar.
20) You saw at least one friend a week driving a tractor through
town or one of your friends driving a grain truck to school
occasionally.
21) The gym teacher suggested you haul hay for the summer to get
stronger.
22) Directions were given using THE stop light as a reference.
23) When you decided to walk somewhere for exercise, 5 people
would pull over and ask if you wanted a ride.
24) Your teachers called you by your older siblings' names.
25) Your teachers remembered when they taught your parents.
26) You could charge at any local store or write checks without
any ID.
27) The closest McDonalds was 45 miles away (or more).
28) The closest mall was over an hour away.
29) It was normal to see an old man riding through town on a
riding lawn mower.
30) You've peed in a cornfield.
31) Most people went by a nickname.
32) You laughed your butt off reading this because you know it is
true and you forward it to everyone who may have lived in a small
town.

6/26 - Always Always Always wear clean underwear!

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Monday, June 26, 2006
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Son #3 came back from Camp Hobe on Friday. Apparently he has the
same summer camp skills that I had as a kid. My mom tells almost
the exact same story. Son #3 came back a dirty urchin. (It’s a
good them they let them swim 4 of the 5 days!) When unpacking his
stuff, my sweet wife discovered 4 pairs of clean underwear, and 3
pairs of clean pants. I guess you can’t expect anything too much
different for an almost 9 year old.



He couldn’t tell us too much of what went on at camp, but we
suspected they had a dance. When we teased him a little about it,
he said they did and he had a lot of fun. When I teased him and
said, “Were there any cute girls there?” he said, without skipping
a beat, “Yeah! And most of them were single!”

And some weren’t?

Son #4 update; He’s doing fine. He had an eye appointment last
week. We thought that when he started squinting his blind eye
outside, when we were in Florida, that he might have more than
slight light perception, but they said there was no change, and
that that was normal. Next up; He gets his 3rd post op MRI on July
6th. We’re asking for prayers again...

For those of you who get this as email...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

p.s. here’s a stupid little game... On my 3rd dozen I got 250
points. How about you?

Submitted by Wanda D.

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Reader Comment Section:

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A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ ea.--three for a
dollar." All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be
ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!" Meekly the grocer
capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had
been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't
you going to fix the mistake on your sign?" "What mistake?" the
grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more
than one eggplant."

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Dear Hudson Middle School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Hudson
Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am
all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of
me. God bless your for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I
received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she
was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and
broke into a million pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said, "Drop dead!"

Thanks again!

Sincerely,
Edna

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Since spaghetti is now 'pasta' and a TV set is a 'home
entertainment system,' the manager of my grocery store did his
best to jazz up the lowly egg. He still has some work to do. A
sign he put up in the dairy section advertised "Boneless Chicken."

6/22 - Pull Apart Wings

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Thursday, June 22, 2006
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Ahh... not much going on today. Tomorrow is Friday, and that ties
right in with Saturday! Yippee! Sorry for not doing an issue last
night. I happed to be in Richfield again, taking care of 4 of my
10 clinics. This time I got to bring my sweet wife along. It was a
nice get away. Nothing fancy, just a 300 mile round trip business
trip. She took along her painting bag and painted some great
pictures while I worked.

I think it’s a little unfair; my company will pay for my meals,
but not for my sweet wife’s. (On the other hand, I guess that
makes sense...) But it was still a little still strange when we
went out for dinner (at the Wingers I go to when I travel there.)
and I had to ask for separate checks. They looked at me like I was
just being cheap, but the food was pretty good.

For those of you who get this as email...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

p.s. Here’s a cool little video. It’s from Criss Angel pulling a
woman apart.



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Reader Comment Section:

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Once upon a time there were three little bunny rabbits, Foot,
Foot-Foot, and Foot-Foot-Foot, and they were outside playing. All
of a sudden, Foot grabs his head and says, "I'm really sick. I
think I'm gonna die." So Foot-Foot and Foot-Foot-Foot run into the
house and say, "Mama, come quick, Foot's sick and we think he's
gonna die." She says, "Foot-Foot and Foot-Foot-Foot, you go and
get the doctor." So they go to the doctor and say, "Doctor,
doctor, come quick. Foot's sick and we think he's gonna die."
Doctor says, "I'll be there as soon as I can." Well, the doctor
wasn't in time and Foot died, so they buried him. And Foot-Foot
and Foot-Foot-Foot just sat around the house and moped. Finally
Mama says, "Foot-Foot and Foot-Foot-Foot you go outside and play.
Foot's dead and that's all there is to it." While they're outside
playing, all of a sudden, Foot-Foot grabs his head and says,
"Foot-Foot-Foot, I'm sick just like Foot was and I think I'm gonna
die." So Foot-Foot-Foot runs into the house and says, "Mama, come
quick, Foot-Foot's sick and I think he's gonna die." She says,
"Foot-Foot-Foot, you go and get the doctor." So he went to the
doctor and said, "Doctor, doctor, come quick. Foot-Foot's sick and
I think he's gonna die." Doctor says, "I'll be there as soon as I
can." Foot-Foot-Foot says, “You’d better hurry doctor, we’ve
already got on Foot in the grave!”


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I spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options to one of our
employees. After reviewing the different plans and monthly
deductions, he decided to max out, choosing $100,000 worth of life
insurance. But he had one last question. "Now," he said, "what do
I have to do to collect the money?"

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The escalator was broken, and the only way out of the airport was
up a flight of stairs. I had a big suitcase and a sore knee.
I began dragging my bag and was making a loud thud on every step
when a man behind me grabbed it and carried it to the top.
"That was so chivalrous," I gushed, thanking him. "Chivalry had
nothing to do with it," he said. "I've got a splitting headache."

6/20 - Father's Day Hippo Food

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Tuesday, June 20, 2006
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So, did you read last night’s issue?” I said.

“Yeah”, my sweet wife replied.

“What did you think?”

“It was ok, except you didn’t tell what son #4 did during your
talk.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot. I’ll put it in tonight’s issue.”

So here goes. Sunday I got up and started my talk by telling the
history of Father’s day. How in 1909 Mrs. Dodd of Washington State
wanted to honor her father because he raised his 6 children after
his wife died during the birth of their last child. Then I went
through the list of fathers that we could honor during Father’s
day. (Father, Grandfather, Father-in-law, Father in Heaven...)
Then I said, “So what can we do to honor our fathers on Father’s
day?” I didn’t see or hear it because they were sitting in the
back pew, but my sweet wife said son #4 shot out of his seat,
stood on the pew, raised his hand and said, “I know! Make ‘em
food!”

Maybe it’s a good thing that we sit in the last pew.

[As a side note, did you know that in the 19th centaury churches
practiced what they call “pew renting”? Those who paid the most,
sat nearest the front. I think we’re too cheap to move up...]

Ok, now I’ll leave Father’s day alone until next year, but I have
to tell one more “funny”.

The boys all needed physicals to go to Camp Hobe this summer.
After my sweet wife took them in for their appointments, son #4
pulled out a mini ‘camera’ from the toy box as a prize. It was one
of those cameras that show different animals each time you press
the button. He was ‘taking pictures’ when they walked on an
elevator that already had a middle-aged lady passenger. My sweet
wife said, “Are you going to take pictures of everyone?” He turned
to the lady and ‘snapped’ a picture, and joyfully announced,
“You’re a Hippo!”

Oops...

For those of you who get this as email...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

p.s. I heard on the radio today that Utah has a law that prohibits
purveyors of adult material from sending children email
advertisements. Utah has an email type “do not call” list. If you
add your address and they send you adult material, they can be
charged with a felony. I added my addresses.

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

It’s been too quiet around here. Cat got your tongue?


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The husband stood in front of the bathroom mirror, carefully
flossing his teeth.

"Oooh!" he would sigh every once in a while, or "Aaah!" as
the little thread tortured his sensitive gums.

Suddenly and seemingly without provocation, his wife stomped into
the bathroom and gave him a swift kick.

Bewildered, the husband demanded, "What was that for?"

"I'm sorry," his wife replied stiffly, "but I just don't believe
in sighing flossers."


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Two blondes were filling up at a gas station one day, when one
blonde says to the other, "I bet these awful gas prices are going
to go even higher."

"Won't bother me," replies the second blonde, "I always just get
$10 worth."

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Andy, a friend of mine in the UK, hates to lose at golf. He was in
a foursome recently when his ball landed in a sand trap. Hidden
from view, the rest of us could hear him as he hacked away at his
ball. When he finally drove it out, and rejoined us, I asked him
how many strokes that was.
"Three." he replied.
"Oh come on!" said another member of the group. "I heard six."
Andy brazenly replied, "Three were echoes."

6/19 - You're crazy Minuteman!

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Monday, June 19, 2006
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had kind of an interesting day yesterday on Father’s day. In our
church we believe in an unpaid ministry. So the leader of our ward
(the Bishop) has a regular daytime job, and doesn’t get paid to
preach. Nor does anyone one else in the congregation get paid for
what they do. We all share in the responsibilities of running the
church. During the Sacrament meeting, there are usually 2 or 3
speakers who teach on a given subject for the week. Sometimes the
speaker is from the High Council, with a newly returned
missionary. Other times it will just be regular people from the
ward speaking. We all get our turn every year or so, and are
usually given a week or so to prepare a talk give over the pulpit.
I’m guessing there can be anywhere from 100 to 300 or more people
in the congregation, depending on the weather, holidays, or any
number of variables. (Or my poor math. I guess I’ve never counted
how many people are usually there...) Anyway, the subjects can
range anywhere from tithing, to service for others, to... you
know, anything churchy.

Anyway, I woke up Sunday and got a surprise father’s day breakfast
in bed. (It really was a surprise, because I forgot it was
father’s day!) Then the kids woke up and gave me some father’s day
cards, and a few treats from the dollar store. Then I headed off
to the computer to try and figure out how to transfer the videos
from our trip to the hard drive to make snippets for the blog
site, and save everything on DVD. About 30 minutes later, I got a
call from one of the Bishop’s assistants. “Hey Marty, how’s it
going?” We chit chatted for a minute or two, then he said, “Say,
Sister So-n-So called me last night and is really sick. Do you
think you could throw a few thoughts together and speak in
Sacrament meeting this morning?” ~Gulp~

Now, public speaking is ranked by some people as a bigger fear
than even death. I’m not that bad, but my fear of public speaking
is right up there with walking down the street with a ripped pair
of pants that you don’t know about. So, I was surprised that out
of my mouth came, “Um, sure. I’ll do it.” I hung up and thought,
‘What in the world did I just do?’

After getting on my knees and asking for some guidance, and with
only 2 hours before church, I got busy. I quickly looked up
something about the history of father’s day, listed all the types
of fathers that father’s day could be about; (Your own father,
grandpa, father-in-law, father of our country, father in heaven,
etc. etc.) and then listed ideas how we could honor each of these
fathers. It was a pretty quick, basic, but substantive talk. I
thought I would be a little more nervous giving it, but I actually
felt ok. (I think I was too rushed to get nervous.)

The best part was when the Bishop’s assistant called that morning
and said he probably wouldn’t call me to speak again, “for a
couple of years”. So, I printed up a Monopoly style card that
said, “Get out of ‘talk’ Free Card” and had him sign it...

HA! I’ll be sure and keep that in my wallet!

For those of you who get this as email...
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Marty

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"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my
pajamas I'll never know."
-Groucho Marx


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The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal. When I
answered it, I was greeted with "Is this James Silhavy?" Not
sounding anything like my name, I asked who is calling. The
telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer
Company or something like that. Then I asked him if he knew James
personally and why was he calling this number.

I said off to the side (holding the phone slightly away), "Get
some pictures of the body at various angles and the blood smears".
I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had
entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had
already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to
testify in this murder case.

I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address,
phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the
dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour
before he made this call.

The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were
in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position and
the police were entering the building to take him into custody.
At that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying footsteps
of him running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears
streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for
about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold, but it was the best meal
in a long, long time.
~Betty H.

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After long months of cold & winter, we are finally coming up to
summer & BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your
memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's
the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because
there is an element of danger involved. When a man volunteers to
do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables & makes
dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray
along with the necessary cooking utensils & sauces, & takes it to
the man who is lounging beside the grill - soda in hand.

(Here comes the important part)
4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates & cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
He thanks her & asks if she will bring another soda while he deals
with the situation.

(Important again)
7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL & HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine.....
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
sauces & brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table & does the dishes.

(And most important of all)
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN & THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And,
upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no
pleasing some women!

6/14 - Popsicle Toy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you’ll remember previously, son #4 had a gender problem. Not
with himself, but he called everyone by “he, his, or him.” No
girls or women would be called with, “she, hers, or her”.
Everything was in the masculine. (No wonder, with 3 older
brothers...) But, he seems to have gotten over that problem in the
last couple of months.

But now it seems he’s mixing up some of his words. With a kid
having gone through everything he did, every little problem makes
you wonder if it’s just because he’s 5 years old, or because of
the tumor.

Well, it’s nothing major anyway. So, he’s mixes his words up by
saying things like, “I can have a popsicle?” (For, May I have a
popsicle?) Or “Who’s this is?” (For, whose is this?)

So the other night at dinner he lifted up a toy or something and
said, “Who’s toy this is?” I said, “No, Who’s toy is this?” He
replied, “I don’t know, that’s why I asked you!”

For those of you who get this as email...
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Marty

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"No matter how much money you make, you always need an extra $40 a
week. I'm sure it was Einstein who first stated: Expense equals
salary plus forty bucks." -Jeffrey Jena

I had a secretary who claimed that she liked to live like she
types: Fast and with lots of mistakes.

Did you hear what happened to the butcher? He backed into a meat
slicer and got a little behind in his work.

Village Dry Cleaners has relocated to High Street, right next door
to St. Joseph's Church. After March 1, Cleanliness Is Next to
Godliness.'



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I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a contract
hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other day. Seems a water-
garden company wants a load of frogs delivered, but they have to
be delivered in a special bog-like container that will fit in a
pickup truck's bed.

They'll pay in food, which is exactly what the cat likes best! For
each load delivered, the company will provide one enormous home-
baked casserole with a crust of middle-eastern flat bread.
Mmmmmm!

That's right: a pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers.

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Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old
Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife,
Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to
Belker and they were hoping for a miracle.

I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the
family there were no miracles left for Belker, and offered to
perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. As
we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would
be good for the four-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They
felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's
family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog
for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going
on.

Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little
boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or
confusion.

We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud
about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.

Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why."

Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next
stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation.

He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a
good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice,
right?" The four-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how
to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."
~Wanda D.

6/12 - Dija see that Trout Riding a Harley?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday, June 12, 2006
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Our Scout campout was a success or a bust, depending on how you
look at it... One of my assistants had some pretty bad back
problems and had to back out. The other assistant contacted me not
long before we were to leave, saying we should re-think the
campout because he was concerned about the rain, thunder, and
lightening. The other boys agreed with him, so we canceled for
this weekend. But, because I had all of our camping gear already
packed, I asked my sweet wife if she’d be willing to go. “Of
course!” she said. So off the whole family went, to Fairview Utah,
where her parents have some camping property.

We didn’t get too wet, and the next morning when I asked if
everyone wanted to go swimming (at the resort pool) or fishing, to
my surprise everyone said, “Fishing!”

So up the mountain the family went, to a (formerly) secret place
called Boulger Reservoir. It’s pretty good fishing. Even though we
didn’t get there until 9:30 in the morning, and left about 1:00,
we still caught a boatload of fish. I let each of the boys reel in
most of the fish. We even let some go. (Some on purpose, some
not.) But, for Sunday dinner we had fresh rainbow trout. However,
I think the fishing was more fun than the eating part. (Pollock
from the store doesn’t have bones...)

I now know who my fishermen boys are. Son #4 gets board quickly,
son’s #2 and #3 avid fishermen, and son #1 has some problems with
worm pieces and hooks. So he played game boy in the car most of
the morning.

Anyway, we had a great camping trip with my “Scouts”.



In the mail today, we got an invitation to “Ride for Kids” in
August. It’s a fund raiser for research on Pediatric Brain Tumors.
There’s a 50 mile motor cycle ride for pediatric brain tumors
survivors and their families. Also, anyone who has a motor cycle
and wants to donate can join in on the ride. It’s on a Sunday, but
I think it’s a good cause and something we might be willing to
sneak out of church for. If you want to participate, email me and
I’ll get you some information.



For those of you who get this as email...
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Marty

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Speedy Morris was the basketball coach at LaSalle and they were
having a pretty good season. One morning he was shaving and the
phone rang. His wife answered it and called out to him that Sports
Illustrated wanted to talk to him. Coach Morris was excited that
his team was apparently about to receive national recognition in
this famous sports magazine. As a matter of fact, he was so
excited that he cut himself with his razor. Covered with blood and
shaving lather and running downstairs to the phone, he tripped and
fell down the stairs. Finally, bleeding and bruised, he crawled to
the phone and breathlessly said, "Hello?" The voice on the other
end asked, "Is your name Speedy Morris?" "Yes, yes!" he replied
excitedly. Then the voice continued, "Mr. Morris, for just
seventy-five cents an issue, we can give you a one-year
subscription to Sports Illustrated."

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"Gramma," asked Susie, "some of my friends are in unhappy
marriages. You always have such good advice for me. Please tell me
the secret to marrying the right man so my marriage lasts."
"Never," said Gramma, "marry anyone you could not sit next to
during a three-day bus trip."

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I have five siblings; three sisters and two brothers. One night I
was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother
from the first born child to the last. She told me she had
mellowed a lot over the years: "When your oldest sister coughed or
sneezed, I called 911 all the time! But when your youngest brother
swallowed a dime? heh heh, I just told him it was coming out of
his allowance."

6/8 - Camp and Fish'n

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, June 08, 2006
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This weekend the Scouts and I are going on a campout. It’s been
awhile since we’ve gone, mostly because I’ve spent 9 weekends up
in Randolph cleaning dad’s house. But, I think camping will be a bit more fun...

Most of the night I’ve been packing gear, plus fishing poles.
Saturday is free fishing day in Utah, so we’ll get to soak a few
lines and test our luck. I’ll let you know more on Monday night’s
issue.



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Marty

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The first salute received by a freshly commissioned second
lieutenant is always significant, symbolizing authority and
prestige. When I pinned on my new Air Force gold bars and stepped
out to face the world, I encountered a staff sergeant. Giving me
a snappy salute, he said, "Good morning, Lieutenant. Your hat is
on backward." As the years have passed, anytime I begin to feel
self-important, I remember those words.

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At a gardening store I told the young clerk I needed some potting
soil. "Over there," she answered, "in 40-pound bags." "I couldn't
possibly handle one of those," I said. "No problem. I'll get my
husband to carry it to the car for you." "That's no good," I
replied. "If I took a 40-pound bag home, I'd have to take your
husband too." She smiled and said, "It's a deal!"

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An Old Farmer's Advice:

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't just happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about isn't never going to happen
anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life Then when you get older and think
back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with something that isn't bothering you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop
digging.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with,
watches you from the mirror every morning.


* Always drink upstream from the herd.


* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.

* Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than
putting it back in.

* If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try
ordering somebody else's dog around.

6/7 - Home Home on the page...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Boy, it was a long day at work. I left early because I had to
drive 2 hours to 3 of my rural clinics. At the first two I ran
into a few problems, plus I had several, “Oh, as long as you’re
here...” type calls. By the time I got back home, it turned into a
12 hour long day. At the 3rd clinic I went to, I think the only
thing I forgot to do was change the receptionist’s home page back
to the corporate page, from the blog page at
http://www.martysjotd.blogspot.com Oops... I’ll email her tomorrow
with instructions to change it back. If I remember.

Not much happened here today. It was the last day of school for
the older 3 boys. Now they have 3 months to enjoy themselves
before it’s back to homework.

Oh, BTW, there’s one more picture I forgot to post yesterday. It’s
worth a thousand words...



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Marty

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When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both
of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How
will we keep from getting separated?"

"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I
reassured him.

"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.

"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I
quipped.

"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."


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The staff at the office where my wife works was hosting a farewell
luncheon for a retiring colleague.

As the group prepared to go to the restaurant, they found that
they couldn't fit the giant balloon they had purchased for the
guest of honor into the car.

Undaunted, they simply held the balloon out the window as they
drove.

My wife and her co-workers weren't prepared for the glares they
received from passers-by. As the long line of traffic in front of
their vehicle began to turn, they saw that their car was right
behind a funeral procession.

There was nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with
its bright red farewell message: "Gone but not forgotten."

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A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get
his car fixed and road-worthy again. But had run out of people to
borrow from. So, he calls his parents via the operator, and
reverses the charge and says to his father, "Dad, I hate to ask,
but I need to borrow 200 dollars." At the other end, his father
says, "Sorry, I can't hear you, son, I think there may be a bad
line." The boy shouts, "Two hundred. I need two hundred
dollars!" "Sorry, I still can't hear you clearly," says his
father. The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, But I can hear
him perfectly clearly." The father says, "Good. YOU send him the
money!"

6/6/06 - Roast Beast!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ahh... Today is the “666” day. Because everyone was talking about
the mark of the beast, my sweet wife decided to have a little fun
with it. Tonight for dinner we had roast “beast” (Country style
pork ribs.) Well, at least it’s a cloven hoofed animal... Then we
had deviled eggs, and devil’s food cake for desert. The kids had
some questions about the mark of the beast, so we got out the
scriptures and read in Revelations 13; 16-18 and talked about it.
But, we decided the world wasn’t going to end today, and we’re
still working on trying to be good people. So things are ok.





Son #4 may need to learn to think things through just a bit more
before he acts though. Tonight after dinner, I got myself a piece
of cake and came over to the table where son #4 was still eating.
“Yumm...” I said. “Umm... this is sooo good!” He turned around and
said, “HEY! That’s no fair! Dad gets a piece of cake and I
don’t!!” My sweet wife, trying to teach him how to ask for things
said, “So, instead of saying that it’s no fair that dad gets a
piece of cake, what do you think you can do instead?” He thought
for a couple of seconds and said, “Take it away from him!”

Not quite what we had in mind...



Sons #2 and #1 After the "Mummy Ride"
You can't tell, but I'm behind the camera, being GREEN



All of us at yet another visit to the Ice Cream Shop
This really was a cool place!
(Is that a bird on my head??)




Son #4 Chowing Down!



Going home after Magic Kingdom


For those of you who get this as email...
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Marty

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In honor of today’s date;

A 6 foot 6 inch, 66 year old man who was born on June 6th, has 6
children, makes $66,000 a year, and who's lucky number is 6
receives a phone call from a friend. The friend informs the man
that a horse named Lucky 6 will be running in the sixth race at
the local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws
6,666.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on
Lucky 6. Sure enough, the horse comes in sixth.


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"The town of Clark, Texas has agreed to change its name to Dish,
Texas after the dish network gave all its residence free dish
satellite TV for the next ten years. This is the sort of thing
that can backfire on a town - just ask the people of Betamax,
Wyoming."
~Jay Leno

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Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at
work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to
lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult
project.

As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for
my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh,
Mrs. Moore, I'm so happy to meet you. I'm your husband's new
secretary."

Within a single heart beat, my wife quietly intoned, "Oh, Really?
WERE you?"

6/5 - Ha'Cha'Cha Baaaby!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday, June 05, 2006
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This weekend we had a 2-year-old cousin’s birthday party to go to.
All night long we tried to get son #4 to eat his hamburger. He was
just too busy playing with cousins to be bothered. So, what else
did we expect when we got in the car to leave? “Mom, I’m hungry.”

Oh, too bad...

And then, it’s just about the last day of school for son’s #1, #2,
and #3. (Son #4 is already done.) Today we got a call from the
school. ‘Um, we just wanted to call you and let you know that
there’s been a little incident on the playground with son #2.’
[Oh, I think we’ve had this call before. here; and here; ]
The message went on to say, ‘some boys found a packet of hot
sauce, and one of them jumped on it.’ (No, you just can’t make
this stuff up...) ‘and (although son #2 was 40 feet away) the hot
sauce squirted into his eyes. We’re washing them out now, but he
says he’s ok. We just wanted to call and let you know.’ Even
though son #2’s eye and side of his face were red, swollen, and
irritated, he demanded to go to the year-end dance scheduled 10
minutes after the incident.

Uh huh...

“So, how many girls did you dance with at the dance son #2?”

“Thirteen”

Uh huh... “Neither rain, nor sleet nor snow nor dark of night nor
packet of hot sauce, shall stay this Casanova from his appointed
dances.”

For those of you who get this as email...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

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The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his
driveway. After a fruitless search, he went inside and told his
mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with
the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were
looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."


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Walking home one night, this guy hears a, "Psst! Psst!-give me a
hand with this pig would you?"

Looking into the shadows the guy sees his neighbor holding onto a
restless and aggitated pig. "What the heck are you planning to do
with that?" he asks.

"I'm carrying it indoors and putting in the bath tub."

"Why do you wanna do a crazy thing like that?"

"Well, you see, it's my wife. She is one of those women who knows
EVERYTHING! I tell her that the price of petrol has shot up
again...she says I know! I tell her there is more trouble in the
East again ... she says I know! I tell her Francis down the street
is getting a divorce and she knows that, too. Well, tomorrow
morning, since she always gets up before me, I'll wait for her to
come running to me screaming 'THERE'S A PIG IN THE BATH! THERE'S A
PIG IN BATH!'"

And I'll just turn to her and say, "Yeah, I know!"

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Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country
lately. Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, and wild animals
attacking humans in Florida.

Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems.

The result is a win-win-win situation:

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border

+ Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans

+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
~Submitted by several readers