Dinner Time!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, March 31, 2005
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My sweet wife told me the other day that she was invited to sing with
some other ladies at church for a church meeting. "They're practicing
on Thursday night at 5:30, but I can't go. That's when I'm making
dinner." She was serious.

Hmm... I guess I ought to help out in the kitchen a little more.

Dinner wasn't as good as when my sweet wife makes it, but I did ok.

Enjoy today's Jokes!
Marty

p.s. I think I gave Justin a sufficiently hard enough time
yesterday that he may come up with an issue tomorrow. (Maybe he's
tired of me telling his family stories (grin)

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

Marty, we have a grandson who had a red velvet dog which he carried
all the time. At one point the stuffing was even coming out of it,
but still the red dog went every where with him and yes, when he
had that dog he sucked his thumb. Well, one day the dog came up
missing (accidentally) and from that day on, he didn't suck his
thumb any more. Soooo, maybe the blue blanket could disappear all
of the sudden! He and his brother even had the red dog named –
(Harvey to be exact!) After it started to lose its insides he
called it 'Harvey Guts'.. H.G's owner is now 26 and soon to be a
Capitol police.
Still enjoy your e-mails -- keep 'em coming!!
Many thanks -- cm~!

[It's so hard to imagine my kids as anything as but the kids they
are now. But, I know it happens. I remember son #1 when he was even
shorter than he is, and didn't have a teenage attitude!]


>Marty, just so you know, we Canadians now have (& have had for
>quite some time) what is called a toonie instead of a $2 bill. I
>will see if I have any old (paper) bills around here to see if the
>American flag really is on the back & I'll get back to you.
>Paulette, Ontario Canada
>[I would love to see one of those!]

Marty, we Canadians also once had a three dollar bill too. True, it
was in the early part of the 19th century and there are not many
around now. Of course, in those days even large businesses put out
their own money.
Bill (Ontario, Canada)

[The US never did issue a $3 bill, but in the early 1800's, federal
chartered banks issued their own money. Like this;
www.aoauctions.com/images/images-ny/nyfirstnationaleastoman$3.jpg
Amazing the things you find on the internet...]

Chocolate thumbs

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we sat down for dinner tonight, son #4 was sitting in his
seat with his blue blanket. He’s had that thing for years. And, it
doesn’t matter what he’s doing, if you give him his blanket, he
puts it up to his ear, and pops in his thumb in his mouth. It was
no different tonight. Since he had his 4th birthday, I’ve been
giving him kind of a hard time about sucking his thumb. I said,
“Hey, who’s that ~3~ year old I just saw sucking his thumb?” Son #4
said, “Oh, he’s not here anymore. He’s in the bathroom with Buddy!”

Yeah, eating my chocolate ‘eh?

Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

p.s. Hey, I read an interesting article today about the minuteman
project. It’s kinda sad and scarey at the same time. It’s at
http://www.minutemanproject.com/3A66509.html If you haven’t heard
about the project, go to www.minutemanproject.com.

p.p.s. And, don’t forget the Scout uniform and Piranha’s on eBay
(the fish are still only a penny!)
http://search.ebay.com/_W0QQfgtpZ1QQfrppZ50QQsassZmartysg


=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

We were in the car and Connor said he wanted to go home and have
some Christmas cookies. I told him we were out so he said how about
Halloween cookies? I said we don't have any of those either so he
told me to just make some. Then he was thinking and he said, "I
hope it can be Halloween and Christmas and pack meeting again."
Pack meeting must rank right up there with him. Then he was saying
how cool it is that Uncle Greg was an army guy and that daddy was a
pilot and he wanted to know what his uncles were. His exact words
were, "What's Uncle Justin pretending to be?" and "What's Uncle
Duane pretending to be?"
~Justin’s Favorite Sister in AZ.

[Yeah, what ~IS~ Justin pretending to be? Certainly not a
substitute Friday fill-in joke master. (hehehe)]

Gasy Bunny

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, March 24, 2005
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I came home today, I put my keys in their regular spot
(because if they aren’t there when I try to leave the next day, it
could take hours to find ‘em!). In my key spot there was the feet
of a one pound solid chocolate bunny. I looked around and thought
that one of the kids had left this little part of their bunny for
me. “Honey, who’s this from?” I asked my sweet wife. “You.” She
answered? “Huh?” I said. She went on to say that it was what was
left of my one-pounder that I hadn’t even opened. I thought...
Buddy, the Puppy? Nope. My sweet said that during the day she had
checked on son #4 who was taking a nap on our bed. 15 minutes later
when she checked, he was standing on our bed, face full of
chocolate, hands behind his back saying, “I don’t got nothing in my
hands...”

Oh well, he can probably burn the calories better than I can.

Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

p.s. I got another one of those “boycott these gas stations because
they by foreign oil” emails yesterday. I did a little checking and
the email was full of omissions and errors. Boycotting those don’t
work anyway. (Guess who produces the 2nd largest amount of oil
after Saudi Arabia? The U.S.) But, what will work is if you buy the
cheapest gas available, and stop buying from the most expensive
stations in your neighborhood. If everyone did that, the prices
would go down. I went to www.gasbuddy.com and found my local
prices. I filled up for $1.97 this afternoon when the highest
prices were $2.09. Gasbuddy.com has 175 local web site for the US
and Canada with your local prices. Check your local prices and
boycott the most expensive ones. That will do the most to drive
prices down. Off my soap box...

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

[oops, I forgot some comments from last weeks issues...]

[RE: All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln
Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.]

Marty, All of the facts listed in Monday's issue are not indeed
true. I was suspicious of the five dollar bill fact so I looked it
up. http://www.moneyfactory.com/document.cfm/18/123 Just thought
you might like to know,
Jason T.

[close, but no cigar ‘eh?]

Sorry to chime in so late on this one. I too have a missing
bellybutton. And mine is from an appendectomy AFTER it burst and
then herniated scar tissue removal for the huge scar the
appendectomy left.
~Todd H.

[I worked with you all those years, and never knew. Who’d a thunk?
And now the stupid question; How does it feel to have no belly
button? (grin)]

Marty, just so you know, we Canadians now have (& have had for
quite some time) what is called a toonie instead of a $2 bill. I
will see if I have any old (paper) bills around here to see if the
American flag really is on the back & I'll get back to you.
Paulette, Ontario Canada
[I would love to see one of those!]

Eggs and Piranhas

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday, March 28, 2005
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hope all of you had a wonderful Easter. We certainly did.
Although when I asked son #4 if he knew the difference between
Jesus and the Easter Bunny, he got kind of confused. He kept
thinking that it was Jesus who brought the eggs. Every chance I
got, I tried to explain the difference, and what Easter really
meant. The two oldest didn’t help much; they kept telling him the
wrong story. That is, until I thumped on ‘em

I also think being politically correct is getting a little out of
hand these days. When we were kids, we never got sick from eating
Easter eggs. (too much candy, maybe, but not the hard boiled eggs).
Now days, they tell you you’ve got to leave the eggs in the
refrigerator and get up early to take care of business. It’s not
fair that we have to stay up until 11:30 PM, and then get up at
5:30 AM to finish things up. When the Easter morning search
finished, we still had that one egg that we couldn’t find. It sat
under the couch until our dinner guests arrived 12 hours later. My
mom said, “It’ll be fine.” I think it got served to her during
dinner.

Anyway, I think I got son #4 to realize the difference between the
Easter bunny and Jesus...

Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

p.s. Wow, it’s amazing the things you find stuffed in your closet
when you do a little spring cleaning. Son #1 outgrew is Scout
Uniform, so we’ve put his old one on eBay, with the pants he never
wore, along with a pair of real pet Piranhas I found on the back
shelf. Go figure!

http://search.ebay.com/_W0QQfgtpZ1QQfrppZ200QQsassZmartysg

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

Chinese Chopsticks and Taxes

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, March 24, 2005
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Since its spring break most of the school districts have today and
tomorrow off. (So did my boys). So all 4 of my boys went over to
cousin #1’s house to play. The 3 older boys decided to stay
overnight and have a sleep over. So my sweet wife and I decided to
go out for dinner without all of the boys. Our normal on the spot
“you-wouldn’t-mind-if-we-dropped-off-so-and-so-while-we-go-out-for-
dinner” babysitters (Mom and Dad in law #1) were busy tonight, so
we took son #4 with us to dinner. I guess he went to bed late last
night, and got up pretty early today, so he was really tired. It
was hilarious to watch a really sleepy little boy try to use
chopsticks. He kept trying but finally gave up and lay down on my
sweet wife’s lap and went to sleep.

After dinner, it was home to finish the taxes. I felt a lot better
about them tonight. I gave up on the computer program I had; there
must have been an error in the program, or I must have clicked
something that I couldn’t find to unclick. Anyway, that little
error would have cost me $500! While I was checking irs.gov, I
found a list of free e-filing sites and used one of those. So if
you haven’t done your taxes, and refuse to pay $15 or $20 to e-file
like I have, you can see if you qualify to free e-file here.
http://www.irs.gov/efile/article/0,,id=118986,00.html

Have a great weekend! (It’s supposed to snow here)
Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

Taxing Goldfish and WD-40

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think I sent a joke out the other day that said ‘if you put “The
and IRS” together as one word, it becomes “theirs”. Interesting. I
spent too much time on taxes tonight, and I’ve got a nagging
question that the TaxCut software people can’t answer, and the
answer I got from the IRS was ‘we’ll take your information and get
back with you within 7 days.’ *sigh*...

Whatever happened to the postcard size returns we were supposed to
get? I’m up too late. Sorry gotta make it short tonight.

Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

Goldfish do NOT have a three second memory span. This I know from
a show that did an experiment on this and proved that goldfish have
a longer memory span than three seconds
Megan L.

[I think I saw that one too. They tried to swim through holes in a
fish tank, trying to get food at the end. Probably only took a
$50,000 grant from the Government (of my money) to do that
experiment ‘eh?]

WD-40 is flamable, so using it to clean heat sources such as stoves
or barbecues should be done carefully. It also does not leave a
lasting film of lubrication, so a rusty hinge (for example) should
be lubricated after the WD-40 loosens it and the liquid dries.
Bill - Ontario, Canada

[Bill, does your government spend your tax money on gold fish or
WD-40 experiments? I hear ours does.]

You wrote:
I found a couple of other vague references to it, but nothing on
the urban legend sites. Anyone got anymore info?]

We found good source material just by asking google for Alfred
Hitchcock-Belly Button. It gave names and the writer of the article
that appeared in the newspaper. Also found the same information on
a sight called "Rumor Mill". It treats a lot of the things you
might publish on your sight and explains their validity or lack of.
I enjoy you "stuff"; and btw happy belated "0" birthday to both you
and your sweet wife. I'm surprised at the age of #4 son. I kept
thinking he was about 2 years of age (the age he was when I signed
on with you). It is hard to mentally grow your kids up when you
only refer to them by number. It is still fun however to read off
their antics.
Chau,
Margaret in Virginia

[Yeah, the Government tried to keep the Hitchcock-Belly Button
thing a secret, (with my money) but it leaked out. Someone used WD-
40 and slid the secret right out! And no, son #4 keeps growing,
it’s son #1 that is regressing (in attitude) but thinks he’s going
on 18 years old...]

In regards to WD-40, I've used it for many different uses and know
that it has many more. I believe all of the uses are true. The
best use I have found for it is getting rid of the sticky gunk that
is left behind after you take a sticker off. Oh yeah, it is good
for greasing squeaky joints too :-)
Rick R

[So, do you have to inject it through your skin with that little
red tube, or use a needle to use WD-40 as joint juice. WD-Bursa
fluid?]

Eating Cake while stuffing your shoe in your mouth

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My sweet wife and I were checking our calendars tonight and she
said, “Oh, and I’m planning a birthday party for son #4.” I said,
“Huh? Didn’t we just have a big family party for him, Brother-in-
Law #2, and Sister-in-law #1 at your folks’ house Saturday? And
then didn’t we have a little private family party and gave him a
few more presents on Sunday?” She said, “Yeah, but this is a party
for son #4 and his friends.”

Hmm... I guess you can never have too many 4th birthday parties.

Then I reminded her that I didn’t get a party for my big birthday
that ended in ‘0’ last year. She looked at me sternly, “Oh, I guess
you forgot; I didn’t get one for my ‘0’ birthday either.”

Oops... oh yeah. (Shoe leather tastes so good...) But the good news
is we’ve got another 9 1/2 years to plan for our next big
birthdays.

Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

Friends,
In your recent posting, you mentioned that Alfred Hitchcock did not
have a belly button. Not to challenge the truthfulness of your
posting, just how would it be that Mr Hitchcock lived through the
experience in the womb without an umbilical cord? Is is a
certainty that this is true? Just asking.
Thanks!
Alan M.

[Good question Alan. I found this on the Hitchcock.tv website;

Hitchcock being a mammal had to be born with a belly button, it’s
just how it is for us mammals. Apparently Hitchcock had several
operations in the belly area leading his doctors to sow it up.

I found a couple of other vague references to it, but nothing on
the urban legend sites. Anyone got anymore info?]

Marty -
are the things attributed to the WD-40 product real? Or are these
just for fun? Cause if they are not real - you really should tell
your readers - so they don't go trying some and ruining some
expensive stuff!
Dora in Denver

[I’m not sure, but I think they’re all ok. But, if used near the navel, I hear it makes your belly button disappear!]

Birthdays and Burgers

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday, March 21, 2005
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So tonight for family night, we decided to spend our Barnes and
Nobel gift cards that the boys got for Christmas. And, we decided
to celebrate son #4’s slightly belated 4th birthday, by going out
to dinner where he got to choose. He decided that he wanted
“Burbber King”. The other kids just sighed. But, it was his
birthday, so that’s where we decided to go. On the way there, we
passed a Red Lobster restaurant. “Son #4, do you want to go to Red
Lobster instead of Burger King?” I asked, knowing full well what
the answer would be. “No Dad, Burbber King!” The two oldest tried
to convince him otherwise, but I helped guide the conversation,
knowing full well we were on a Burger King budget. At dinner son #4
had to go to the bathroom. When he left to go, my sweet wife asked
him where he was going. He was several tables away and then yelled
back, rather loudly, “Mom, can’t you tell I have to go to the
bathroom? I’m holding my pe...(correct scientific name)”

Luckily the Burger King was more than 3 miles from our home, and we
didn’t know anyone there...

Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

Green Eggs and Spam

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, March 17, 2005
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy St. Patty’s day! This morning we had our traditional green
pancakes. My wife is so good about remembering stuff like that.
Sons #1, #2, and #3 gobbled them down, but son #4 kind of turned
his nose up at them, but ate them anyway. Then at lunchtime, my
sweet wife said that he was tired of green food, “I don’t like
green food, I don’t want to eat it anymore!” That didn’t faze my
sweet wife. Tonight we had chicken tetrazini, with green broccoli,
chicken, and green pasta. We also enjoyed green lime jell-o, green
beans, moldy bread, (ok, not really) and brownies (greenies?) with
green mint frosting.

Interesting but nummy dinner!
Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

Tennis Playing Dogs

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After I took Buddy the puppy out to do his duty tonight, I tried to
teach him how to fetch a tennis ball. It didn’t work out very well.
After I threw the ball, he’d chase after it, mouth it for a second
or two, then run off and do something else. Maybe that book from
the internet wasn’t too far off when it said they had to be 10
weeks old before you should train them. At least he’s going outside
(most of the time) when we take him out every couple of hours...

Hey, it’s St. Patrick’s day tomorrow; Don’t forget to wear
something green!

Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

Nada

Birthdays and homework

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy Ides of March! Only, that’s not what our special day is today. I’ll get to that in a minute. First, I’m sorry for not doing an issue last night. After family night last night, I happened to look on the computer to check out Son #1’s homework assignments from school. It seems there was a large deficit in the homework-turned-in column. So, he and I had a several hour long talk and homework session; All the way until midnight. And, it was a little late to do an issue after that.

So, anyway, we’ve got tons of reader comments today, so read on to see what’s so special about today!

Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

Marty,

I've been enjoying your humor for over two years now! I need a
small favor though. I lost yesterdays (Tuesday's) e-mail. Do you
have a copy you could resend?
~Jay

[Nope, but you can read all of our past issues at
groups.yahoo.com/group/martysjotd ]

Dear Marty,
A couple of years ago, I agreed to a vaccuum cleaner demonstration
in the hope of getting either (a) a new set of kitchen ware, (b) a
new camera, or (c) valuable travel discount coupons. The salesman
arrived, unpacked approximately 1,000 parts and attachments, and
proceeded to dump 15 pounds of silica dust on my carpet, just to
prove that the XYZ home cleaning system could actually suck it all
back up. Call me crazy, but I found two things about this
experience absolutely hilarious: (1) the salesman was allergic to
cat fur and dust, which are the two elements actually holding my
carpet together, and (2) at the end of a 45-minute sales pitch,
after the selling price was revealed to be more than the cost of my
first car, the salesman began an imaginary conversation with his
"manager" (I could actually hear the dial tone buzzing at the other
end of the phone line), and assured me that they would slash the
price by 50% just because I was such a nice customer. I think I
still have a scar on the side of my tongue, which I bit to avoid
laughing in his face. Oh, and the free item? A coupon for one free
night's stay at a hotel in my choice of Daytona, Fort Lauderdale,
or Reno. Travel must be booked 6 months in advance and receipts
forwarded for reimbursement. Sheesh! At least I got a great story
out of it. Cheers,
Joanne L.
Montreal, Canada
PS ... I hope this won't put anyone on his/her high horse and start
defending these sales people for "just trying to make a living."

Marty, Since it's been quiet with the comments I thought I would
make some noise. I really have enjoyed your jokes and stories about
your family. Formerly from Idaho I can relate to some of the Utah
tales. Now I am living in Virginia far away from my family. I am
going to be purchasing my first home on my own in a few months and
was hoping to find some links or ideas of stores where I can find
great (cheap) deals on household items. I welcome any advice.
-Katrina A.
[Any advice? Don’t get a puppy...]


Marty, I just read your Thurs p.m. issue. I check for it before I
got to bed. Here in the midwest we are 1 hour ahead of you. It is a
little after midnight right now, & I am wondering if I will be one
of the 'first' (or the first??) to get back to you about the 15th
of March question you asked. I knew it right away.....It's the Ides
of March. I think everyone knows that one! (or they should!!)
Rita
[Nope, it might be, but that’s not what’s special about it...]

I would say that it's the Pinewood Derby...
Debi
[Nope, good guess though]

>> Speaking of next week, we have a huge day on Tuesday the 15th
>> of March. Can anyone guess what it is?

~Ide~ like to take a guess... On March 15, Caesar's enemies
assassinated him in the Pompey theater, at the foot of Pompey's
statue, where the Roman Senate was meeting that day in the temple
of Venus. Did You Know : In the ancient Roman calendar, each of the
12 months had an "ides." In March, May, July and October, the ides
fell on the 15th day. In every other month, the ides fell on the
13th. The word "ides" was derived from the Latin "to divide." The
ides were originally meant to mark the full moon.

[~IDE~idn’t know all that...]

Here's a Caesar puzzle...
Caesar and Brutus are playing a game in which each says the
next number from a well-known sequence. The first 19 numbers
of the sequence are given below:
1 2 3 2 1 2 3 4 2 1 2 3 4 3 2 3 4 5 3 ___?
What is the 20th?
The answer is :
.
.
.
.
2

I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X XI XII XIII XIV XV XVI XVII XVIII
XIX XX
1 2 3 2 1 2 3 4 2 1 2 3 4 3 2 3 4 5
3 2

They are counting the number of characters in the Roman numerals.

=-=--=

"Beware the Ides of March!"
Justin H.
[Are they worse than the Ides of December?]

No 4's 4th Birthday.
Bob B.
[Nope, but Bob, you get the prize for the closest guess!]

Although Son #4’s Bday is very close, it’s OUR BIRTHDAY!

Happy Birthday to us…
Happy Birthday to us…
Happy Birthday Dear Marty’s Joke of the day readers…
Happy Birthday to us

In the upper right hand of our YahooGroups page, it says we were created on March 15, 2000. So, I’ve been sending out jokes for 5 years now. That’s gotta be a record...

Anyway, Enjoy the jokes today!
Marty

Honey, where's my ammo? I'm tired.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, March 10, 2005
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I haven’t been sleeping very well lately. (Maybe you can tell by
the quality of my stories and jokes this week.) Driving home from
work today, I got really sleepy, so I told myself that I would take
a quick 30 minute nap before dinner. But, I ran into a few
problems. When I put my head on the pillow, the boys started
playing loud. So I got up to shut my bedroom door. Not 10 seconds
after I lay down again, the phone rang. It was a good friend of
mine, “Hey, I got 4 extra Jazz tickets to the game tomorrow night.
Can you use them?” Dang... any night but tomorrow night. I have to
work mandatory overtime until 10PM. I told my sweet wife and she
gave me the “oh, fine! Don’t think of me. I could have used them”
look. Oops. So I tried to lay down again. Then son #1 started
practicing his viola for an upcoming concert. And loudly. By now
I’m getting frustrated. It can be a really bad then when he
practices, but you can’t tell him to stop, because you’re always
begging him to start. So, I walk out and tell my sweet wife I’m not
happy. I reach for the ammo box, pull it down, and put it on the
counter. “You’re starting to scare me” my sweet wife says with a
smile. I pull out the .22 bullets. “What are you doing?” she says,
not smiling any longer. I said, “It’s too noisy, and I’m going to
do something about it!” So I pull my earplugs out of the carton and
put the ammo back. Then, back to my room, shutting the door, and
back to bed. I lay down one last time and start to get comfortable.
I hear a muffled yell, and a thump thump on my bed. I roll over on
the floor to find son #4 under my bed, in ‘his’ spot playing cars.
I politely ask him to remove himself from my room, and then
actually get a quick power nap.

I guess you just have to be persistent.

Until Monday...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

P.S. Speaking of next week, we have a huge day on Tuesday the 15th
of March. Can anyone guess what it is? Email me your guesses, and
I’ll post your answers in Tuesday’s Issue.

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

Ahh... I finally got some comments yesterday, but my hotmail
account is down right now. Sorry, I’ll get ‘em out on Monday.

Buy a Car and Go to Vegas!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I guess we just love going to sales pitches. Tonight my sweet wife
and I had an appointment to go to a car dealership to test drive a
car and get a prize. We could get something like a $1000 shopping
spree, $500 in groceries, a vacation, or other fabulous prizes.
We’ve been to enough of these that we knew they were all ‘junk’
prizes. We ended up with the 3-day 2-night vacation. This is the
one where you have to pay a small processing fee, jump through 5
different hoops, pay a little bit, then jump through 8 more hoops,
then hope you actually get a hotel room booked at the end.

Even though these are ‘junk’ prizes, I can’t see how these guys can
make any money advertising like this. My sweet wife and I are a
pretty tough sell on cars. And, I think we answered his question
the wrong way.

How old is your oldest car? “’98”
How much do you owe on it? “We don’t, we paid cash”
How many miles? “Only 55K”
When will you be in the market to buy a car? “Exactly 4 years and 2
months.”

He said, “Huh?” We explained to him that we have two cars, and that
we just bought a car last May. “We’re on a strict 10-year plan. We
save our money up for 5 years, buy a 1 or 2 year old car and keep
it for 10 years. 5 years later, we do the same thing and turn in
our oldest car.”

“Oh,” he said, “I guess if you can do it that way...” Then he went
and spoke with his manager. “My manager says you don’t have to test
drive a car, but you can pick out a prize.”

Maybe they could make some money on eBay buying and selling sheets of
32 uncut dollar bills. (Just like mine! <---- Shameless plug)
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3963601526

Other than disappointing a sales guy, I think the best part of the
night was spending an hour with my sweet wife driving and just
talking, and of course, the high class, elegant dinner at Le-Carl’s
Jr.

Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

Still too quiet.

Dad, The Aliens pooped in the bathroom...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok, after I bragged about Buddy the fastest house trained dog on
record, and hit ‘enter’ to submit the issue, I knew what I would
find in the bathroom. Yup, little Buddy left us a mess to clean up.
It’s a good thing we have tile floors!

Last night, we went to see ‘The Incredibles’ at the dollar theater.
We invited my #1 mom, and had a great time. Afterwards she offered
to feed my entire family. (Wow, wonder who got the better end of
that deal!) Hey mom, we’ll go see Lemony Snicket, or Sponge Bob
next week if you want to come! (grin)

Anyway, the kids brought home some balloons from the restaurant.
This afternoon son #4 was experimenting letting his helium filled
balloon go inside. We got it down a couple of times for him. But,
when he was outside with Buddy, he came running in, “Mom! I dropped
my balloon. Come outside and get it for me.” She tried to explain
that it was too high, and not coming back. “Where did it go?” he
said. “Way up in the sky. And the wind will carry it away.” He
thought for a second and said, “Go outside and the aliens will grab
it and give it to you.”

Where does that boy get his imagination?

Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

All quiet today.

Kirby v. Buddy

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Monday, March 07, 2005
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, we got a puppy. Before we left to pick him up, I decided to talk to each boy individually and ask what they wanted to name the dog. 3 of the 4 boys liked “Kirby”, but son #4 insisted on “Buddy”. Anytime anyone referred to the dog as “Kirby”, son #4 would put his hands on his hips; give a dirty look, and yell, “NOT Kirby! His name BUDDY!” So, after an hour of that, everyone started calling the dog ‘Buddy’. So, Buddy it is. It’s kind of has a “Buster” ring to it (our old dog), but not too much. And, Kirby and Hoover just didn’t fit.

On the way up to get him, we made a couple of stops. At each stop son #3 would tell anyone who would listen, “We’re get’n a dog, and it’s Purebred!” He told the lady at the gas station, the clerk at the fireworks store we stopped to look at, and the waitress at the restaurant. When we got home with Buddy, we walked down to Grandma and Grandpa’s house. Son #3 said, “Yeah, and he’s Purebred too!” Grandpa smiled and said, “Do you know what Purebred means?” He said, “Um... No... I guess not.” Grandpa said, “But you know it’s special, right?” He smiled, “YUP!”

Buddy is a cute little dog, only 7 weeks and 2 days old today. My sweet wife got some dog training info off of the internet, and read most of it to us while we were driving. It says you can train a dog when he’s 10 weeks old, but he’s so smart, we’ve already house trained him. Well, sort of. He hasn’t gone in his kennel or in the bathroom yet (his house for now), but we have to take him out side every time he whines. When he goes, we really praise him. But it wasn’t fun the 4 times during the first night, but got better when it was only 2 times last night. We’ll see how it goes tonight.

I’ll try and post pictures soon.

Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

How about Chester? That's a good name for a dog......LOL
~Your #1 Sister

[Just like your uncle, if you ever came to town, you’d be confused
and try to take my dog home with you...]

Marty, I don't know anything about Masterguard personally, but as a
firefighter I can tell you that it is a good idea to have smoke
detectors in every sleeping area/bedroom, plus one in high risk
areas (like the kitchen or near the fireplace) and one in the
approach to the sleeping areas of your home (like the hallway or at
the top of the stairs). You should also ask about carbon monoxide
detectors and look into fire extinguishers. It's also a great idea
to get the family together and come up with an evacuation plan (2
ways out, meeting place, etc) and practice it. This is probably a
good place to start: http://www.usfa.fema.gov/safety/escape/
~jeff B.

[Great info!]

As a followup to my original message: Just yesterday we had a local
man seriously injured in a fire because his family did not have a
meeting place designated and he believed that they were still
inside the house and went back in to look for them. The family was
already out and safe but he didn't know that. Also, I can't stress
enough that you need to not only come up with a plan of escape, but
you must practice it (especially with kids).
~jeff B.

Flying Crabs

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, March 03, 2005
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday night we had a salesman over to our home to show us a
fancy-dancy vacuum cleaner. They gave us $20 for KFC. Not too bad,
but we buy their system. But tonight we got to go to Red-Lobster.
They packed us in pretty tight, and had a 2-hour presentation on
fire safety. But the dinner was great! I ordered the shrimp scampi
and crab legs. Now crab legs are something you have to work at. As
brother-in-law #1 said, “Not only are they good to eat, it’s an
adventure!” Well, since I haven’t had crab for some time, I was a
little rusty trying to get to my food. I even bent the little fork
they give you. Then, I was trying to pry one piece of meat out of a
leg, and it popped out, flew through the air, and hit the lady who
was sitting next to me right in the face. I said, “Oh, I am so
sorry that just hit you.” We both laughed for a second, but that
was embarrassing!

Anyway, Mr. MasterGuard fire protection salesman is coming to our
house tomorrow or Saturday to “collect for dinner” and high
pressure sell us. Anyone know anything about MasterGuard fire
protection stuff?

Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

Marty.. Brittany are wonderul dogs.. my friend has one and that dog
has saved her kids lives more than once. They lived back off the
road, and if one of the kids made an unexpected getaway up the
gravel road, that dog, named Sassy, was right there..she got
between the child and the main road and wouldn't let them anywhere
near it. She would bark and carry on til my friend heard her and
went after the child. That was when she had 3 to keep track
of..even now that dog helps keep the 4 kids in line.. They
definately are protective of "Their" family!!
~debi~

What to do... What to do...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Not much to say tonight. I told the boys that they had better clean their rooms before fido gets here, or fido won’t get here. They aren’t moving fast enough. So now I’m not looking forward to any of the options I have.
1) “Make” them clean their rooms
2) Clean their rooms myself
3) Tell them they can’t have a puppy

None of those sound fine. We’ll figure something out.

Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

Hi--just thought I would say--wait till you get your dog & see what
kind of personality he/she has! That's what I did with my 7 yr. old
lab mix (got her when she was about 4 months old from the
shelter). She was wild & crazy so I called her Spunky!Altho you
have some really excellent names picked out---I liked the
'Superfly' one!! haha But seriously, I know you will enjoy the
company of an animal again, esp. a dog....nothing is as great as a
dog, at least to me!... ...Good luck on your pup......hope you can
post a picture sometime!
~Unknown

How about naming the dog "Phideaux" ?
~Kay

[Fido? Maybe he could spell better than I can!]

Thought you might want to use this link to find out what dog you
are!! ;-)

Go to the link "What Dog Are You?" in the lower right hand corner.... http://www.gone2thedogs.com/index.html

Personally, I would reconsider the Brittany
spaniel...they are very protective! We had one when I was young.
When my brother was playing tackle football with friends, the one
tackling my brother got a nice bite on the ankle!! Needless to
say, we had to put our dog down (she had nipped at other friends
before....). Very sad! I would suggest a lab or a golden
retriever! Good luck!
–Connie

[Well, this one’s a freebie, and already chomp’n at the bit to get
here...]

Mommy Speak

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mom’s just have a way with ‘mommy speak’.

Over the weekend, son #4 hanged me my work pager from off of my
night stand, and (like he does with so many things) just said,
“Here dad” and handed it to me. I try to teach them to put things
back where they got them, so just like every other time he’s handed
me stuff, I said, “Thanks, now go put it back right where you found
it.”

So Monday morning rolls around, and of course, I’m late for work
and frantically looking for all of my ...stuff... Of course, I
can’t find my pager. Luckily I remembered son #4 trying to give it
to me over the weekend. I asked him, “Son #4! Where’s my pager??”
He gave me that dear in the headlight look. I raised my voice a
little more, “You know, my little black pager. It’s about this big
and you were playing with it this weekend.” I was trying not to get
frustrated, but my sweet wife heard me and came to my rescue.
“What’s wrong?” she said. “He had my pager this weekend, and I
can’t find it. He hid it somewhere and won’t give it back.” So, she
took over with the ‘mommy speak’. “Honey, where’s daddy’s pager?
You know; the little black box that goes BEEP! BZZZ, BZZZ”.

His got a big smile on his face and his eyes got really big. He ran
into our bedroom, (with two parents following him) flopped down on
his belly, crawled under our bed, and was there for what seemed
like eternity. (probably going through his detailed filing system)
He scooted back out and said, “Here dad”

Only I didn’t tell him to put it back this time...

Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

Marty, Just wanted to tell you that lately your jokes have been
really good! you put a smile on my face. Thank you for taking out
time to spread a lot of joy. God bless you!
~Jill M.

Hi Marty,
I really enjoy your jokes and daily family humor. I also wanted
to promote something.....I know, I know, but this is different. I
belong to Sheltie Rescue of Central Indiana. I foster Shetland
Sheepdogs that need a home. Please spay or neuter your puppy as
soon as he/she is old enough. I also wanted to ask you to let your
readers know not to buy a puppy from a pet store. I know where
these puppies come from, and it is not pretty… Thanks, and keep up
the good work.
~Rick R.

[I can’t believe people pay those pet store prices anyway! $600+]

Marty -- Thanks for all the many jokes you've sent our way, and
also for all the interesting happenings of your wonderful family!
Now, in regards to a new dog that you were not quite certain
about getting, how about naming it 'TROUBLE' or 'TROUBLES'?? They
are alot of fun and we always thought our kids should have a dog.
Every kid needs a dog. However, now that kids are all grown up and
have their own offspring, we no longer have a dog to tie us down.
I think Kirby or Hoover are very clever names.
~cm

We once got a Brittney spaniel from the same place you will be
getting yours. We named her Ginger. I vote that you name yours
Ginger. (Just what you need, more name suggestions.)
~Uncle B

[But, if you ever came to town, you might get confused!]

Avoid Spears!
I like Dog and Kitty
Rupricht is also nice.
~Justin, the part time joke master jr.

[By the Way Mr. Part part part timer... when are you going to start
doing jokes on Fridays again? These folks can’t stand only 3 or 4
times a week! Besides, I want to hear your sister’s side of baby
sitting son #4...]

Marty
Sorry to hear that you had to put your Buster to sleep. Was he a
Brittany, too? If not.... hang on to your hats, and shoes, and books, etc.! We had a
Brit for 14 years, loved him dearly, but barely survived his "puppyhood."
Let me re-phrase that HE barely survived his puppyhood. What a naughty, busy
little guy he was. For the first 3 or so years we really questioned if he
would ever mellow out. So... good luck!
Kathy
PS He was really cute, and innocent looking, when he was asleep.

Kathy A.

[No, Buster was a Hairy/Keeshond/Shepherd/Sneaky Dog mix. And
“innocent looking”?? sounds like some boys I know!]