4/27 - Spend Your $$ on May 1st!

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Thursday, April 27, 2006
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was feeling pretty good about my lines at play practice tonight.
I told my sweet wife, “I nailed all of my lines except for one
line in the second act that I goofed up on.” I was feeling pretty
good about life until she said, “Um, yeah, but you said one of the
lines from the second act, in the first act. It would have thrown
off the whole play.”

Oops... Good thing the play doesn’t start until May 11th.

Our schedule for play practice starts Saturday, then every night
except Sunday and Monday until the play. On Tuesday we start to
practice downtown at the 905 seat theater at the Conference
Center. Guess I’ll have to miss scouts for a week or so. (Good
thing I have great assistances working with me!)



Then, after the play, its Disney World bound. Everyone in the
family is getting excited about that. Son #4 puts a sticker on his
Disney calendar every day and talks about going a lot. And, since
this is such a big vacation, I have to buy a new camcorder. You
see, the one I have that’s stuffed in a closet, is one of those
huge things from the 80’s. You carry it on your shoulder, and put
a full sized VCR tape into it. I’m not sure, but I’ve heard that
they’re a little smaller now.


(This one is even smaller than mine!)

And I was going to buy it in a week or two just before the trip,
but I hear that there’s some sort of boycott on buying stuff on
May 1st. I don’t agree with the boycott at all, and want to do my
part to scuttle it. So I’m going to buy the camcorder on Monday
and try to tip the scales just a bit to my way of thinking. And,
I’ll buy at least one other major purchase that day; a tank of
gas. You too ought to save up your shopping and spend spend spend
on Monday!

For those of you who get this as email...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

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You know a fashion trend is over when your grandmother starts
getting into it. At least, that's the thinking in England, where a
bunch of grannies are donning hooded sweatshirts and baseball caps
-- the favorite uniform of gang members -- in an effort to
discourage crime. Said one senior, to The Daily Telegraph: Once
old people start wearing these clothes, "they lose all their
street cred."


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Upon returning from Iraq, I received a number of commendations and
medals, including the Bronze Star for meritorious achievement.
Still, my daughter was unimpressed. "Who won the Silver and the
Gold?" she asked.

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"Today in Mexico it was the day of the dead. It's the holiday
where people from Mexico celebrate all the departed souls that are
now living in Los Angeles!" --Jay Leno

=-=-=-

Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local
nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It
appeared to be on its last legs. My wife took some leaf samples
and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation. "I know
exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager.
"Good," said my wife. "What's it suffering from?" "Autumn," he
replied.

4/26 - Common Chess Ground

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Wednesday, April 26, 2006
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Since son #4 started school, he gets home just about the time that
son #1 gets picked up from school. So, consequently, my sweet wife
has been going to pick up son #1 about 30 minutes late each day.
She said today, “You know, for the past 2 weeks, son #1 has been
playing chess (on the internet) while waiting for me at school.”
I’m somewhat of a chess, well, a chess duffer, I guess you’d say.
I love to play the game, but I’m not very good at it. So, after dinner
I asked son #1 if he wanted to play chess. He said, “Sure”.



Two things stuck out in our game playing tonight. Number 1, he
certainly is getting better than he was a several months ago. And
I’d better watch my bacon or he’s going to school me on the battle
field. And number 2, I rather enjoyed our time together. With him
being a typical teenager, and with my strict personality on
homework and other issues, we seem to butt heads a lot. Tonight we
actually spent an hour being civil with each other. That’s
certainly some common ground that I’ll have to pursue with him.

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For those of you who get this as email...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

Hello,Marty and Family:
I'm a new subscriber to your site, and thoroughly enjoy the
adventures of yourself and your family. I hope "Four" is fully
recovered from his tumor. It's amazing how he can smile through it
all! I'm sorry you're in misery with allergies. I can sympathize
totally. It concerns me, though that you swelled up so badly.
Rather than wait to see a specialist, is it possible to go to a
"minor emergency" clinic ASAP and get started on some sort of
long-term medicine ? Itching and sneezing is one thing, but when
various things start swelling shut, that is serious. There are
such things as "epi-pens", shaped like an ink pen, but containing
epinephrine that you can inject immediately as you need it. It is
available by prescription. Keep up the good work!
~Anonymous

I totally agree that the politics of the owners are, uh, not so
hot, and I don't spend my money at that store. However, at least
some (maybe all?) local stores were giving the days proceeds to
local charities. I was a "celebrity scooper" at our local store
because all the funds went to support my volunteer fire
department. That was the only reason I was able to support them
for one day (and resist the temptation to remove all the political
bumper stickers on the employees cars ;) ). It's a fine line, I
know. Something to think about next year.
~Jeff

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They just hired a new consultant at my job. I asked him a
question. He said, "I could tell you, but then I would have to
bill you."


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Driving through Oklahoma, my husband and I went out of our way to
stop at what was billed as the largest McDonald's in the world.
However, we were less than thrilled when an employee addressed
everyone over the intercom: "Attention, world's largest McDonald's
customers."

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I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had
little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we
approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot
descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines,
climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger
beside me seemed calm. "I wonder why he didn't land," I said. "He
was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man
said. As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It
looks plowed to me," I commented. "No," my seat mate said. "It
hasn't been cleared for some time." "How can you tell?" I asked.
"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow."

4/25 - Customer Service Slows...

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Tuesday, April 25, 2006
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remember when I told you about some extra ordinary customer
service I received at Wingers last week? Well, they say that every
time you tell your friends about good service, there are 10 times
that you’ll tell them about some bad service you receive. (That
statistic was probably something that ol’ Pizza Hut drilled into
my head while they held me captive for 7 years...) So you must
forward this to at least 10 friends and tell them what rotten
service I got today at Skippers. I normally don’t go out to eat
during lunch that often, but this week I’m in training class with
3 other techs in my division. So, I figured that a weeks worth of
eating out with the boys won’t kill me. (Or, then again, maybe it
will.) Anyway, today 2 of the guys wanted to go to all-you-can-eat
Skippers. Ten bucks for battered fish lunch wasn’t quite my style,
so I got the 3 piece fish and chips for $5. After about 5 minutes
they delivered the other two guys’ lunch, and said they were
‘working’ on mine. It took them 3 other tables sitting down and
getting their food before I finally got mine. (It was the exact
same fish and French fries that they other guys got.) A full 25
minutes had passed before I got my lunch. (Luckily one of the guys
gave me a fish fillet while I sat there drooling over his food.)

I thought about writing a letter to skippers and getting their
obligatory, ‘gee we’re sorry about the customer service you
received, here’s a $5 coupon for your troubles’ But, I decided it
wasn’t worth my time. I just won’t go there any more.

So, that’s my rant. I hope you don’t go to Skippers for lunch this
week!

Oh, and yesterday I purposely left out the free ice cream scoop
from [Put a famous ice cream place’s name here]. Their owners said
some nasty political stuff last year, so pffft on them.

But, there is a buy one, get one free sundae at Baskin Robins on
May 7th!



For those of you who get this as email...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

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The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and
his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the
display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the
back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one
traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me
became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering
him to my doctor's office." The other driver leaned out of his
window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too
late!"
~Wanda D.

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"CNN is reporting that Bill Gates, the richest man in the world
has received a raise from Microsoft. Gates says that he is happy
about the raise and now he can finally buy that Canada he's had
his eye on." --Conan O'Brien

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"This hotel stinks!" a guest complained when he showed up at the
front desk to check out. "What's wrong?" I asked. "I got no sleep.
Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!" I apologized
for the noise and checked him out. A few minutes later, a couple
showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay
was. "Terrible!" they said. "The guy in the next room was
snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15
minutes to wake him up!"

4/24 - Ahh... Ahh... Choo!

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Thursday, April 20, 2006
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This weekend, after another 4 hour play practice, I took son #3
out for his Saturday with dad. We ate a late lunch at the Subway,
and headed over to the Wal-Mart to see if they had life jackets
and canoe paddles to go with my dad’s canoe. We found the life
jackets, but Wal-Mart didn’t have any paddles. We’ll get dad’s
canoe in the water this summer yet!

Since we weren’t going to get wet, son #3 decided that he wanted
to play baseball. I bought him a mitt and a ball, and we played
catch for an hour or so after we got home. We had a great time,
until he threw the ball in the bushes and made me get it out. With
the dust and pollen in there, I spent the rest of Saturday and
most of Sunday with swollen shut eyes, runny nose, and a rash on
my arms and chest that’s still there today. Have you ever woken up
in the morning with ‘boogered shut’ eyes? I did. I haven’t had
that since I was a kid.



So, I’ve decided it’s probably time to see an allergist. (Hmm...
Would the study of allergies be called allergology? HA! Yes it is,
the internet just told me so...) Except, in order to get an
appointment, I need to find time to go. I’m in training every day
this week, next week I get to cover two areas so the other tech
can go to class. Then we have that little Disney trip son #4 and
Make a Wish are giving us. I think maybe I’ll just deal with the
allergies until summer try go get an appointment then.

For those of you who get this as email...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

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At long last the good-humored boss was compelled to call Fisk into
his office. "It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out,
"that every time there's a home game at the stadium you have to
take your aunt to the doctor." "You know you're right, sir,"
exclaimed Fisk. "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's
faking it, do you?"


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A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her
dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin
fluttering, her hands float up above the table, and she begins
moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates saying,
"Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The woman, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds,
"Grandmother? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"

"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question
for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"

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The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" in a
casual manner, think about whether you want the "politicians"
spending your tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising
agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective
in one of its releases.

a.. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

b.. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

c.. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone
Age.

d.. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

e.. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the
rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look
at New Orleans - It's amazing what you can learn with some simple
division...

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently [September 2005
- Hurricane Katrina Disaster Relief and Economic Recovery Act]
asking the Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans.

Interesting number, what does it mean?

Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every
man, woman, or child), you each get $515,810 each (That’s Half
Million Dollars!)

Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans, your home
gets $1,328,014

Or, if you are a family of four, your family gets $2,063,240.
(That’s TWO MILLION DOLLARS!)

Mary, is your calculator broke?

4/20 - Sleep Tight and learn your lines!

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Thursday, April 20, 2006
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Of course, you never sleep as well when you’re in a different bed.
Such was the case last night in Richfield. There were too many
strange noises and it was too hot in the room. So I didn’t sleep
much. After installing and fixing a bunch of computers, I headed
home. And, I was a little drowsy. Not enough to fall asleep at the
wheel (yeah, that’s what they all say) but just enough to yawn
about ever 20 miles or so. That was just enough to remind me how
sleepy I really was. Anyway, after the 3 hour drive home, I said
brief hello’s to everyone and fell asleep in bed. I woke up 30
minutes later and found I was late to play practice.




Practices are getting a bit more intense now, and I’m still
struggling with my (sparse) lines. We practiced with the orchestra
today. Even skipping a few scenes, it took over 4 hours to muddle
through. We took last week off because of Easter, so it was pretty
rough tonight. I think it’ll pull together though. We’d better. If
anyone is going to be in Downtown Salt Lake May 11, 12, or 13. Let
me know. I’ll hook you up with some killer tickets. (and the price
is right at just $3 a pop too!)

Because I haven’t seen my boys for any length of time since
Wednesday I’ll have to schedule some time with each of them this
weekend. (darn, I’ll have to put off mowing the lawn for the first
time this year... again...) It’s funny, I almost (ALMOST) missed
the noisy house of 4 boys running around. But, I think to truly
miss all of the ruckus, I’ll have to take a week cruise with my
sweet wife. That’ll test my metal.

For those of you who get this as email...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

Shhh...
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"A new Rocky movie is being made - Rocky VI. During the filming,
Sylvester Stallone will turn 60 years old. The movie isn't going
to be too exciting. The fight scene in the movie he goes 15 rounds
with Regis." --David Letterman

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My boyfriend, Tim, a mechanic, does work for the Air Force
Academy. One day, a guard asked, "Mind if our new guard dog
practices sniffing your truck? Tim obliged and the dog went to
work. Almost immediately, it latched onto a scent and jumped into
the truck bed sniffing furiously. Tim became nervous. There were
no drugs or weapons. What could the dog be after? A few minutes
later, the guard approached Tim. "Sorry," he said sheepishly, "our
dog ate your lunch."

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Recently, our 18-year-old daughter started hunting for her first
real job. She spent an afternoon filling out applications, leaving
them on the kitchen table to finish later. As I walked by, a
section of the application on top jumped out at me. Under
"Previous Employment" she wrote, "Baby sitting." In answer to
"Reason for Leaving" she wrote, "Parents came home."

4/19 - I missed that shot

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Wednesday, April 19, 2006
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today the church youth got to go to the gun club to shoot skeet
for our monthly combined activity. I was really really excited to
go with. We got to get rid of some of the 2000+ shells that my dad
had, plus go and have a good time. But, at dinner on Monday night,
I told that kids that I had an overnight work trip on Wednesday,
but that we’d have fun shooting on Tuesday. One of the boys said,
“But dad, we’re shooting on Wednesday.”

Argg... I forgot.

So, here I am, supporting 4 of my rural Utah clinics, in a hotel
room in Richfield Utah, population just 6800. And, I missed the
shooting. But, I hear that no one got shot, and they all had a
good time.

About the only thing even remotely funny that happened today, was
when I went to Wingers for take out tonight. As I sat there
waiting for my order, I was offered by 5 different people if I
wanted popcorn while I waited. I told myself if a sixth person
asked, I’d say ‘ok’ and just sit it in front of me so no one else
would ask...

Sometimes customer service can go overboard.

For those of you who get this as email...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

Hi Marty, Long time reader here. Most of us have had 'downers'
in our lives. Poop happens, we make mistakes. One cannot dwell
on those times. We must seek out the good times and cherish
those memories. Life is a long trip, which seems short as you
age. That's a human brain malfunction. Enjoy life and do good
for others. Then,,,, life is good,
Jim in Indiana
p.s. I have a niece and family in Salt Lake.

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Once upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did something really
stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made
up. However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had
done. "Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep
bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and
forget.'" "It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget
that I've forgiven and forgotten."

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This newcomer to Seattle arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the
next morning and it's raining. It continues to pour for the rest
of the week. Leaning out her apartment window she sees a little
boy playing on the stood below and asks, "Hey, kid, does it
ever stop raining around here?" The kid looks up at her and
calls back, "How should I know? I'm only six."

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On day three of the corporate conspiracy trial, the star witness
began to recant his story. "Were you aware that both the FBI and
the IRS intended to investigate this CPA, starting ASAP?" the
judge asked. "Not initially."

4/18 - Fuzzy High School Memories

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Tuesday, April 18, 2006
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s kinda funny. Have you ever signed up for one of those
reunion.com or highschool.com websites? I have. If you remember a
few years back, when I went to one of my High School reunions,
they picked me to be the chairman of our next reunion. (Gads,
that’s next year already! Gulp)... Anyway, when you sign up they
always send you those ‘guess what, it’s so-and-so’s birthday
today’ then try to get you to buy something. A few of the names I
recall, but most I just scratch my head wondering, gee, who is
that? Well, today I got one that was for a close friend in my
early high school years. I shot off an email to another close
friend whom I’ve kept in contact with through the years. He gave
me some email addresses, so I sent a couple of ‘hi, how are you’
emails today. Tonight I got a reply.


Is that MY old High School?? Wow...

So, what do you tell a close friend from high school that you
haven’t seen in over 20 years? You’ve got great memories about
them, but they’re really old memories. Do you say, ‘do you
remember Fiddler on the roof? What a cool play that was!’ but then
you think. Um, I have no idea if this person was even in that
play. How about Guys and Dolls? No, wait, that was another time in
my life. I know, how about The Sound of Music? No, silly... that’s
the play you’re in now. Too many memories... Heck, I don’t even
remember who I was in Fiddler on the roof; I just remember having
a good time...

So, you default to today’s memories and brag about your family.
Yeah, son #1 is smart, good looking, a girl catcher, but won’t do
his homework. Son #2 reads himself to sleep, and is the best
friend to everyone he knows; except for his brothers. Son #3 loves
every single holiday, is getting so tall, and loves everyone he
meets. Oh, and then there’s little son #4. He’s a good kid, and a
cute kid. But then you have to drop da’ bomb. You try to type it
subtly and say, ‘Oh, yeah, he had a brain tumor and is now blind.’
Hmm... but it doesn’t come out too subtle. It kinda turns the mood
sour on your re-introductory email after decades of life. Then the
other shoe has to drop, ‘oh yeah, my dad died at my house on
Christmas day.’ Um... ouch. Hello? You still there? Oh, gee
sorry, didn’t mean for it to be such a harsh email. But then you
have to be upbeat and say, Oh, but that was 2005. This is a new
year and things are going much better.

Oh well, life just happens.

But, ya know, if you really think about it, what else would you
want to brag about? I’ve got the best sweet wife in the world,
some pretty darn good kids, and a pretty cushy life. If I had to
choose a life to have lived, and anything in the world that I
could brag on, it would probably be pretty close to what I’m doing
now...

So, I can say; life is good...

For those of you who get this as email...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty



=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

None today. All too busy with your taxes, no doubt!
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Silly book titles

"The Human Brain" by Sara Bellum

"Please Don't Hurt Me" by I. Bruce Easily

"Life Through the Eyes of a Drunk" by Al Coholic

"Thirty Yards to the Outhouse" by Will E. Makeit
(illustrated by Betty Wont)

"The Proper Use of Sunscreens" by Justin Casey Burns

"How to Cure Scratching" by Ivan Awfulich

"Discount Alternatives" by Robin Stuff

"How to Save Time" by Terry A. While

~debi s.~


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Before rushing to work, I prepared a casserole for that evening's
dinner and put it in the fridge. As I turned to leave, I told my
son to stick it in the oven when he got home from school. "Make
sure to put it in at 350," I said. "Sorry, can't," he replied. "I
don't get home until quarter after four."

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Knowing that photography was a passion of mine, my cousin asked if
I'd take her wedding pictures. I agreed, but instantly became a
nervous wreck. Would the photos be in focus? Would she like the
composition? Could I get a shot of everyone? Finally my wife heard
enough. "Stop worrying about it!" she said. "If they'd wanted a
real photographer they would have gotten one."

4/17 - Taxing Hair Day

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday, April 17, 2006
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We made another trip to Randolph. This time we brought the whole
family. We got my dad’s canoe that I think was his grandfather’s
canoe. It’s still in pretty good shape. Hopefully we’ll be able to
use it later this summer. We also now have a camper for sale. If
you’re looking for a camper, this one is awesome! I don’t think it
was used more than once or twice. You can check out some pictures
here.

Now for something a little funny...
The other day son #4 was trying to describe a lady at his school.
My sweet wife didn’t know who it was so she asked a few questions.
Finally he said, “It’s the lady with pretend hair.” Hmm... she
thought. If a class full of visually impaired pre-schoolers
notice...

For those of you who get this as email...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

Hi, Marty--
I think of you all a lot--hope you are well; glad the scan was
clear! We did our Make A Wish to Disney just a few weeks ago; it
was truly one of the most amazing experiences we ever had. Give
Kids the World is beyond description--an entire resort built by
love. have an awesome time,
Kristin, Genna's mom

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Tax his land, tax his wage,
Tax his bed in which he lays.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes is the rule.

Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his ties, tax his shirts,
Tax his work, tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco, tax his drink,
Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his booze, tax his beers,
If he cries, tax his tears.

Tax his bills, tax his gas,
Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.

If he hollers, tax him more,
Tax him until he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays.

Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me to my doom!"
And when he's gone, we won't relax,
We'll still be after the inheritance TAX


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The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the IRS about
his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the
year. "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said.
"I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, and the place
is closed only three days a year. And you want to know how I made
$80,000?" "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said.
"It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you
and your wife." "Oh, that," the owner said, smiling. "I forgot to
tell you - we also deliver."
~debi s.~

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Rabbi Rabinovitz answers his phone.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this Rabbi Rabinovitz?"
"It is."
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I'll try."
"Do you know Sam Cohen?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate $25,000 to the synagogue rebuilding fund last
year?"
"Oh, He will!"



=-=-=-

We purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two
elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned
about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all
those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared. One
November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke
up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called
the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a
rather brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 30 years," he
muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter!”

4/13 - Itchy Easter

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, April 13, 2006
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There’s something about the boys teaming up on dad and saying,
“Oh, c’mon, we don’t have school tomorrow. Play us another game of
StarCraft!” I’m always a sucker to beat 3 little boys in a war
game. But, that puts me late for the Joke of the Day. (It’s 11
already) Oh well. I’ll try to find some Easter jokes and make the
best of a quick issue.

Boy, the hay fever has really got to me this year. My eyes have
been REALLY itching this week. Ugg... There’s a place in our
clinic that does allergy shots, but they’re shots. Not that I
don’t like shots, it’s just that I would rather not have them.
But, this year might be different.

We’re getting close to our trip to Disney World. I was hesitant to
look forward to the trip, because I was dreading son #4’s last MRI
brain scan. I assume that a bad scan can ruin a Make-a-Wish trip
just like that. But, things are good so now we can get excited for
the trip! Our next MRI is scheduled for July 6th at 7:15AM. Remind
me ‘eh? I goofed on this one and was a day early.

And, for those of you who only attend church twice a year, yes,
this is your weekend. Make the best of it ‘eh?!

Anyway, have a great Easter weekend.

For those of you who get this as email...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:


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A man was coming out of church one Easter morning, and the
preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
He grabbed the man by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor
said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" The man said, "I'm
already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How
come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered
back, "I'm in the secret service!"

=-=-=-

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of
the shelves.

"What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?",

to which the lady replied "Yes."

"Well," the rabbit said,

"I'm westing."



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Q. A man wanted an Easter pet for his daughter. He looked at a
baby chick and a baby duck. They were both very cute, but he
decided to buy the baby chick. Do you know why?
A. The baby chick was a little cheeper!

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A man was driving along the highway, and saw the Easter rabbit
hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting
the rabbit, but unfortunately the Easter rabbit jumped in front of
the car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the
place, candy too. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an
animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to
see what had become of the rabbit carrying the basket. Much to
his dismay, the colorful rabbit was dead. The driver felt so
awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the
man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped
out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel
terrible!" he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter rabbit and
killed it. Kids will be so disappointed. What should I do?" The
woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to
her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the
dead, limp rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the
furry animal. Miraculously the Easter rabbit came to life, jumped
up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two
humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the Easter rabbit
stopped turned around, waved and hopped down the road. Another 50
yards down, he turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards. And
waved again!!!! The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out
what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to
the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you
spray on the Easter rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so
that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores
life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

4/12 - Mongolian Buick

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>What in the world is Justin doing in Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia during
>tax season?
>Sandra B.

And with that, we have a winner! Asked how she did it, Sandra said
that she used the clue about the Olympic gold medal to figure it
out. Good job! Sandra is only 7 1/2 hours drive from my home, so
she said she may take me up on my spaghetti dinner offer one day.
(And I do make a killer spaghetti dinner. And, it’s one of my
favorites!) We also had a couple of runners up. Don guessed Seoul,
South Korea and Moon R. guessed Kathmandu. Good guesses, but not
right... We’ll try to have another guess where Justin is, soon.

Spring break is finally upon us. The kids are out of school, and
already looking for extra chores to do around the house. (ok, I’m
dreaming again.) We had some big travel plans, but forgot I was on-
call for work. I guess we’ll just do some spring clean up around
the house. We finally did get one of my dad’s cars cleaned,
insured, and detailed today. After the detail job, it’s actually a
pretty nice car. Anyone want to buy a 1995 4-door Buick LaSabre?
It’s in really good condition. http://kbb.com puts the private
party resale, in good condition at $3250. This car is a steal at
$3000. Email me.



For those of you who get this as email...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

None
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After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone
number, I dialed him -- and got a woman. "Is Mike there?" I asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded. "Please tell him his
girlfriend called," I said and hung up. When he didn't return the
call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he
said. "You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed. "I know," he
replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the
past half-hour."
~Wanda D.

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Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower
cost of living, in particular. "When I was a kid, my mom could
send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6
oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans...
all for a dollar!!" Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that
anymore..... they got those darn video cameras everywhere you
look."

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A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that
when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly
realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man
next to him, he complained, "I forgot my teeth, what am I going to
do now!?" The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket
and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them on. "Too loose," he said. The man then
said, "I have another pair -- try these." The speaker tried them
on and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all.
He said, "I have one more pair. Try them." The speaker said, "They
fit perfectly." With that, he ate his meal and gave his speech.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went to thank the
man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid.
Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist." The
man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."

4/11 - Where's Nanny?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Where’s Justin?

For quite some time, many of you have asked, “Where’s Justin?”
(Justin is my neighbor’s son. He’s filled in on several Friday’s
that I like to take off with my family.) Rumor has it that Justin
is busy with tax season. But I think Justin is off traveling the
world.

Below are some clues where Justin is located. The first one to
come up with the correct answer gets a dinner with Marty and his
family. Probably something like spaghetti or meatloaf... (Travel
and accommodations not included)

Here’s an actual picture of the place Justin’s at.



-Justin is in the capital city of a nation.

-Most of this country's land is covered by grass.

-The capital city is quite large, with around 1/3 of the nation's
residents living there.

-This country experiences very hot summers and very cold winters.
January averages can hit -22F (-30C).

-This capital city is colder, on average, than any other national
capital.

-The geography of this country includes mountains, deserts, lakes,
and a stepped heartland.

-Once ruled by monarchs, this country has now adopted a more
democratic political system.

-Much of this country's history is defined by conflicts with its
neighbors and tribal wars within its present-day boundaries.

-This country has never won a gold medal in the Olympics, but it
has won 5 silver and 10 bronze medals since its athletes began
competing in the Olympics in 1964.

-When a cold winter follows a hot summer, this country experiences
extreme climactic conditions, including dust storms and blizzards,
that kill many people every year.

-This country generally has a low rate of precipitation, but
sometimes unusually high snowstorms will pile so much snow on the
land that herds of animals can drown.

-Nomadic Tibetan Buddhists comprise a little less than one third
of the population of this country.

-This country has an agrarian and mining economy. The principal
products mined are coal, petroleum, and copper.

Good luck!

For those of you who get this as email...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

p.s. Went and saw Nanny McPhee for Family night last night. (Only
50¢ at the dollar theater. Such a deal!) My father in law liked it
very much. My sweet wife said, “Whoever filmed that sure liked
bright colors! And I give it a 3 out of 4 boys’ rating...)

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

None today

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An oldie but a goodie!

HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE

1. Create a new folder in your PC.

2. Name it "Housework."

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN.

5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete
Housework permanently?"

6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly......

7. Feel better?

~Krystal B.


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While visiting my mother in the hospital, I stopped in the
cafeteria for breakfast. I set a piece of bread on the moving
toaster rack and waited for it to pass under the heated coils and
return golden brown. Instead, it got stuck at the back of the
toaster, and I couldn't reach it. The woman next to me in line
quickly seized a pair of tongs, reached in, and fished out the
piece of toast. I joked, "You must be an emergency room worker."
"No," she replied with a grin. "I'm an obstetrician."

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Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who
lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice
for Dad and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00,
which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00,
which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills
for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called
his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the
other brother, "You said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented
him a tuxedo."

=-=-=-

Bonus Joke:

A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days
making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to
come to his first services. The following Sabbath the church was
all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the
local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it
was everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The
funeral would be held the following Sabbath afternoon, the notice
said.

Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In
front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered in
flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the
coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their
final respects to their dead church. Filled with curiosity as to
what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people
eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into
the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look.
In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror!!

4/10 - Young pics

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday, April 10, 2006
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Our 300th Blog Site Post! – http://martysjotd.blogspot.com ]

It was a busy Saturday. Three of us started out with a 3 hour long
play practice. After that, I snuck off with my father-in-law to
Randolph to pick up my dad’s truck and camper. We’ve gotten a few
offers on the camper, but no one wants to drive 2 hours to look at
it. So we hauled it home. While we were gone, my sweet wife had a
birthday party with 5 visually impaired 5 year olds. She said they
had a great time. I was happy for them. Yup. Kids’ birthday
parties aren’t exactly my cup of tea. Not that I mind helping, but
stuff another 5 kids into our house and turn up the volume another
30%, and it’s enough to drive me nuts.

Anyway, by the time Sunday rolled around, I was bushed. I played a
few computer games with the kids, and then I got out my brand new
scanner. The other one started scanning with deep lines. So last
weekend we went to the computer store to get another one. I hadn’t
had much time to play with it until last Sunday. It will scan
pictures from negatives and slides too. It’s a pretty cool unit.
Anyway, I found a few pictures of me during my elementary
school days. (see below) After I scanned them, I showed them to
son #2 and he said, “That one looks like son #3!” then he said,
“And that one looks like me!”

Here are a couple of them;






Anyway, it’s kind of cool to put them all together and see how
things have really changed! I think my grand kids will get a kick
out of them...

For those of you who get this as email...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

p.s. The play is coming along really well. I’ve learned my lines,
but can’t say them without message up on stage yet. But soon. And,
if you’re going to be in Downtown Salt Lake City at the conference
center on May 11th, 12th, or 13th, let me know. Tickets are only $3
each. It’s going to be a really great show!

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

> p.s. And, a funny license plate holder I saw today on a police
> car; "Honk if you're D.U.I."

Speaking of funny license plate holders... I saw one on a police
K-9 unit that said, "Wanna play hide-n-seek?"

~Justin H.

[Oh, P.S. Just is still around, he just thinks he’s busy during
tax season. Go figure.]

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During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I
routinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myself with
their capabilities. One day I was aboard an intelligence aircraft
where each crew member was surrounded by complex gear. A young
major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chat screen, Sir,"
the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemy information to the
crew. It's like instant messaging." Nodding, I moved down the
line. Flashing on an airman's screen several feet away was this
warning: "Heads up! The colonel's on the way!"


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I was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was
oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a
prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead. "Have
you seen this?" I indignantly asked my husband. "What?" he asked.
"The wrinkles?"

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A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was
alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a
psychic to see if he could contact his late wife. The psychic went
into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room,
and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly
departed wife.
"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Are you happy?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Happier than you were with me?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"
"I'm not in Heaven, dear."

4/6 - Bone Paste or Cheese & Sour Cream?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, April 06, 2006
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We had an appointment with the surgeon and son #4 today. It was
really snowy, and the roads were bad so my sweet wife was running
a few minutes late. When she went to pick son #4 up from school,
she walked in the classroom and said hi to the teachers. They were
all sitting in the corner talking together, and all of the kids
were running and goofing around in the class. After a minute or so
she went to get son #4’s coat. The kids were still yelling,
screaming, and playing with toys. She thought it was a little
strange, and was just about to say something to the teachers when
one of them looked over her shoulder at the clock and yelled, “Ok
everybody, recess is over, back in your seats!”

I guess they still have snow day recess inside...

There is an adult finger sized indentation in son #4’s skull. It’s
where bone is missing. It started out about the size of a quarter
last September, and it just kind of grew from there. Apparently
what happens to bone when you stick it in a freezer for 6 weeks,
then do radiation treatments on it for another 6 weeks, some of
the bone dies. The surgeon said that the dead bone is being
reabsorbed into the body. He also said it’s not that uncommon or
something that we need to worry a lot about at this stage. (Oh?)
He said that it will either grow back naturally, or get worse.
(Maybe that’s why the dairy fetish?) If it gets worse, he said
there are several options we have. Then he said to, “use a helmet
on him when he rides a bike or plays sports. Keep an eye on it and
see me in 6 months. Or, if things start falling apart, come see me
sooner.”

Um, duh...

For those of you who get this as email...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:


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At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the
Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Consul.

The Israeli Consul began, "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence
with my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you...
...When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go
through deserts, and prairies, and even more deserts... The people
became thirsty and needed water. So Moses struck the side of a
mountain with his cane and at the sight of that mountain a pond
appeared with crystal clean, cool water. And the people rejoiced
and drank to their hearts' content. Moses wished to cleanse his
whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took
all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters. Only when
Moses came out of the water he discovered that all his clothes had
been stolen... And I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians
stole his clothes." Yassir Arafat, hearing this accusation, jumps
out of his seat and screams, "This is a travesty...It's A lie !
It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at the
time!!!" "And in agreement with Chairman Arafat," said the Israeli
Consul, "let me begin my speech..."


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The minister's car wouldn't start and so he called the garage to
come and tow it in for repairs. When the truck driver appeared at
his house to get the car, the minister says, "I hope you go easy
on me. You know I'm only a poor preacher." "I know," replied the
tow truck driver... "I've heard you preach."

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Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who
had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital
for evaluation. En route, with siren going, they questioned the
man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one
asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?" The old man
slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the ambulance window.
"Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."

4/5 - Cheese -n- Jokes

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Wednesday, April 05, 2006
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After I left this morning, my sweet wife was trying to get son #4
to eat breakfast. “But I don’t want cereal” he said. So my sweet
wife said as she went downstairs to wake up son #2, “Ok, go in the
refrigerator and find something you want.”

He did. When she returned, he had the butter, sour cream, and
cheddar cheese out. He had the sour cream on the cheese and was
eating it.



He must be craving dairy products!

For those of you who get this as email...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

p.s. And, a funny license plate holder I saw today on a police
car; “Honk if you’re D.U.I.”

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Reader Comment Section:

None today


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You guys like jokes? I'm going to start putting them on the blog!
Yipee!
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The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The
nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They
gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. One nun took
the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish
whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and
poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother
Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior
drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had
drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns
pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die. She raised
herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't
sell that cow."

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My friends and I had joined a weight-loss organization. At one
meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. "What are
the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate
to our diet?" "Low in calories" and "lots of fiber" were among the
answers. She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and
concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful, but also less
expensive. Do you know I paid 75 cents for this candy bar?" We
stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat. From the back of the
room a small voice spoke up... "I'll give you a dollar for it."

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As a new Ensign, I was assigned duty at the Naval Observatory in
Washington, DC, and carpooled to work with a veteran Marine
sergeant. One afternoon, I showed him a pair of brown shoes I had
purchased to go with my khaki uniform. He examined the leather
carefully. "Let me take these home," he said, "and I'll show you a
real Marine Corps shine." The next day I wore my old shoes,
expecting to switch them with the ones the sergeant was polishing.
From a grocery bag, Sarge pulled out the right shoe, shining like
glass. "This is the way a Marine shines a shoe," he said. "Now all
you have to do is polish the left one to look like it."

4/4 - Oh so tired...

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Tuesday, April 04, 2006
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another late night. Ok, it’s only 10pm, but I’m falling asleep at
the keyboard. The night before your kids’ MRI is not a good night
for sleeping. If you do fall asleep, your spouse will inevitably
wake you up after 30 minutes. If you can’t fall asleep, you’ll
wake your spouse up sometime in the next 30 minutes. So it went
last night. Two parents who couldn’t get any sleep because of
their son’s MRI the next morning.

Zzzzz

So, I’m so tired, I’m heading to bed and will tell you all about
it in tomorrow’s issue.

For those of you who get this as email...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty



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p.s. Oh, that’s just too cruel isn’t it? Ok, we got there 10
minute early and signed in. After that, two sets of parents and
kids got there. They got to go in first. (figures) When we finally
did go in, we told them that sometimes they had a hard time with
putting in the IV in son #4, and they usually had to call the IV
team. So they didn’t even try to put the IV in with the nurses,
they just called the IV team. (They had some cool light that they
put under his arm so they could see the blood vessels. It still
took them two pokes to get the IV to go in. But, son #4 didn’t cry
at all, he grimaced a little, but no tears or yelling. (As opposed
to the kid in the next room, who cried like nobody’s business.)

Anyway, it took forever. (We were at the hospital for 6 hours
today.) The radiologist finally said that there were 3 bright
spots on his tumor bed, but that they were there last time and he
thought they were just blood vessels or scar tissue. In either
event, he said they were smaller than they were last time and he
was sure they weren’t tumor. So, yes, clean scans again! We can
now rest for another 2 and a half months (then get stressed for 2
weeks) and do the whole routine again.

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Reader Comment Section:

You think that the numerology of this is bad:

>On Wednesday of this week, at two minutes and three seconds after
>1AM in the morning, the time and date will be;
>01:02:03 04/05/06.

Try this one:

In June of this year, around 6am, at 6 minutes after, you can even
say 6 minutes and 6 sec. if you want, It will be 6:6:6 6/6/6
I have heard people who will not write out a check for that amount
in the grocery store, or use that check number, or many other
things....so they are going to be paranoid this summer.
~debi s.~

4/3 - Holding our breath

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Monday, April 03, 2006
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Well, tomorrow’s the big day. Son #4 is getting his 2nd post op MRI tomorrow. I’ve got a little uneasy feeling about this one, but we’ll just have to wait and find out what the scan shows.

It’s a good thing that we’ll have to leave pretty early with him tomorrow, because he’ll get no breakfast. He gets a little cranky when he doesn’t get breakfast. But then again, so do I.

Not much else to write, I’m busy holding my breath.

Wish us luck!

For those of you who get this as email...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

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Reader Comment Section:

On Wednesday of this week, at two minutes and three seconds after
1AM in the morning, the time and date will be;

01:02:03 04/05/06.

That probably won't ever happen again in your lifetime!
~Sandra B.

It;s soo hadr to tpye wtih my fnginers corossed, but tehy will be
corossed utnil we haer that all is wlel whith [sno 4#].
(I;ll tpye slwoer....) There are so many people praying for him,
I KNOW everything will be fine!! So glad you and your sweet wife
could get away for a day, and what a fabulous place! Who knew we
had something that nice so close to home?? Prayers and love to
[son #4] and all of you.
~Betty H.