Homework vs. Detective work

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Thursday, September 30, 2004
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This is the 4th week of school for the boys, and Son #1 has been
doing pretty well in his new school. He’s been doing homework, and
even practicing his viola (which was unheard of in elementary
school). One class in particular, ‘Utah Studies’ really has a lot
of homework. When I say a lot of homework, I mean, a ~lot~ of
homework. From the very first day he’s had almost an hours worth of
homework from just her class. His other classes had homework, but
not near as much. He’s kept up pretty well though. But for the last
two days, he hasn’t come home with any homework from ‘Utah
Studies’. My sweet wife asked him, “Why don’t you have any homework
from there?”

“I dunno.”

My sweet wife dug a little deeper, like all good detectives. “Is
she a really young teacher?”

“I dunno, she’s just a teacher.”

She rephrased her question a little, “Has she ever taught school
before?”

“No mom, we’re her very first class, and this is her very first
year teaching.”

Bingo! My sweet wife is so smart.

My guess is one of the parents called and complained to the school.
Wasn’t me. Son #1 was keeping up, but just barely. But, then again,
he’s my son, so he’s a genius. Right?

And... Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

p.s. Remember, to read ‘just the stories’ go to http://martysjotd.blogspot.com

=-=-=-

Reader Comment Section:

re; son #4 & the ups truck........do we see a potential upser in
the future??? hey, don't scoff at it, my ex has worked there for
30yrs, starting part-time in loading the big trucks, then into
delivery & finally driving the big rigs from indianapolis, in to
chicago or louisville, ky & making over $95,000. at this point.
~Linda W.

[Whoa! $95K Maybe I should send my kids to... ‘BROWN’ university
hehehe]


Maybe zippy is related to Bartleby of the Mighty Mississippi? I
just finished reading this book to my three boys. They seemed to
enjoy it. (Not quite as exciting as Harry Potter or Star Wars but
still good)
~Heather F.

[The only Bartleby I remember was Bartleby the Scribner by H.
Melville. I think I read it for school. Don’t remember the story,
just the title...]

eBay and... I'm Late!

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Wednesday, September 29, 2004
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Doing business on eBay can be a hazardous undertaking. Case in
point; I was talking to my sweet wife on the phone today. All of a
sudden she said, "SON #4 GET BACK HERE!" "YES, RIGHT NOW!" "HEY!"
Then she said, "I gotta go!" and hung up the phone.

Of course I called back 3 minutes later to find out exactly what
happened. She (breathlessly) said, "The UPS guy delivered some
painting canvases just before you called the first time. While I
was on the phone with you, he was driving off. Son #4 decided he
wanted to chase him down." [Hmm... I've seen dogs do that before.]

When my sweet ask him, "What were you doing?!" he said, "I wanted
some too." [packages from the UPS guy].

On the way back into the house he said, "Mom, that was a cool
truck"

Yes, folks, eBay can be dangerous.

And... Enjoy today's Jokes!
Marty

p.s. Speaking of eBay, check out the sheet of dollar bills I have
up for auction on eBay at
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3932924438

p.p.s. Remember, to read `just the stories' go to
http://martysjotd.blogspot.com

p.p.p.s. Forgive spelling and gramatical errors today. I'm doing
this before choir practice tonight (so I can get some sleep) and
I'm late! I hate being late... ciao

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section:

I'm not sure about red-ear slider turtles, but box turtles
typically spend their entire lives within 125 yards of their
birthplace.
~Harlins

[Ahh... I think I forgot to tell you'all that red eared sliders are
turtles (as opposed terrestrial, or land tortoises). They live in
water. So 10 days out of water is quite an achievement.]

Yard Sale & "Look who I found on Saturday!"

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Tuesday, September 28, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On Saturday we had a garage sale. It was a multi family event, and
we had a lot of family and neighbors bring stuff over. We put a
small ad in the paper, bought lots of pop to sell, and drug our
stuff out on the front lawn. We sold tons of stuff. Unfortunately,
most of it wasn’t ours. It seemed everyone else had cool stuff to
sell. We just had junk. It was good to see the neighbors get
together and yak a little though. One neighbor bought a bunch of
stuff from the other neighbor even before we started the sale! Now
we’ve got a bunch of pop in the refrigerator that we’re slowing
trying to get rid of. (With 4 little volunteers)

Anyway, at one point during the yard sale I was downstairs looking
something up on the computer. I heard the really strange noise at
my window. I couldn’t see anything from my room, so I went upstairs
and looked out from another windows. I still couldn’t see anything.
So, with a little trepidation, I went outside to see what it was. I
looked down, and what did I see? Zippy, the wonder turtle trying to
open my window!

I mentioned back on the 16th that zippy escaped. Now she’s come
crawling back. I wouldn’t recommend it, but if you take a fat red-
ear slider turtle that likes to wander, stick her in a bucket in
the middle of the back yard for a few hours, let her take a 10-day
travel excursion, I’m sure she’ll be knocking at your window when
she’s done.

Go figure.

Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

p.s. Don’t forget to read us at www.marytsjotd.blogspot.com

This is a stickup - give me your suckers!

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday, September 27, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today my sweet wife went to the drive up window at the bank to cash
a check. Son #4 was sitting behind her in his car seat, with his
blue silk blanket. He hadn’t had a nap yet, so he was rubbing the
side of his face with his blanky, a sucking his thumb. The teller
was really nice and struck up a conversation with son #4. They were
chatting back and forth, and son #4 said, with his thumb still in
his mouth, “bwyi mont bwa bwscker.” The teller said, “What did he
say?” “Oh, he said he wanted a sucker” my sweet wife said.

Then she said to son #4, “take your thumb out so people can
understand you.” So he did. Then he looked at the teller and said,
“I gotta gun. I shoot you dead and you go aarggg...”

The teller said, “What did he say?”

My sweet wife finished her transaction, said, “You know, sometimes
I can’t tell what he’s saying either!” and quickly drove off.

Ethical Shrimp

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Friday, September 24, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you ever notice that moms are moms no matter how old you are? I
noticed again tonight. My sweet mom called me up at work today and
said, "Hey, how about I take you guys out to dinner tonight?"

Now, that's a pretty loaded question. I think we canceled 4 or 5
things tonight, including a funeral, two weddings, and a bar
mitzvah! (Ok, kidding) But of course, we're always willing to help
out when someone wants to take us to dinner.

She continued, "Son #3 told me that popcorn shrimp is his favorite.
So why don't we go to IHOP and their all-you-can-eat shrimp."

(Oh, like this is supposed to be a hard choice)

Anyway, after we all sat down at the restaurant and started
talking, my mom said, "Oh, so I see when there's a contest [50
medical terminology words] and I do really well, you don't have an
issue [on Thursday]"

"But mom, I told everyone I was going out to a play and was going
to do Thursday's issue on Friday."

With that mom's look, she said, "Oh, I see..."

"Ok mom, you'll be in Friday's issue."

She seemed happy with that, and besides, she was picking up the tab
for dinner, so a little suck up didn't hurt.

(And BTW, thank you very much mom!)

When we were looking at the menu, son #2 (and some of his brothers)
wanted the all-you-can-eat shrimp. I thought pork chops sounded
better, and I told son #2 "I'll just sneak a few of your shrimp."

"You can't do that. That's unethical." My mom said.

"But it's only a couple mom, and besides, they're charging him the
same as an adult."

"That doesn't matter. You'll have to tell everyone on the Joke of
the day that you stole some shrimp."

"Oh, C'mon... I'm not going to tell everyone in the world that I
ate some shrimp from my boys plate."

"Oh yes you will. You told everyone when you did good when you were
in Tahoe, you'll have to tell them about your shrimp stealing."

Ok, I guess you can guess who won that argument. I ate some shrimp.
But, he said he was full...

Anyway,

Enjoy today's Jokes!
Marty

_________________________________________________________________
Check out Election 2004 for up-to-date election news, plus voter tools and
more! http://special.msn.com/msn/election2004.armx

Eleanor, Popcorn, and Medical terminology

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s Wednesday night, and choral practice night. For the past 4
years I’ve sung in the Eleanor Kennard Choral. This Christmas
season is a little different though. A couple of weeks ago, Eleanor
died of breast cancer.
(http://www.legacy.com/DeseretNews/LegacySubPage2.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonId=2592688) We all promised her one last season, but this
will be our last. It’s been bittersweet to see former members come
back to sing with for our last season.

Anyway,

Because it’s Wednesday night, I usually get home from practice
kinda late and everyone is asleep. Tonight when I went into the
bedroom to check on my sweet wife before I wrote tonight’s issue,
son #4 was sitting there bouncing on the bed. “Guess who decided he
didn’t want to go to sleep tonight?” said my groggy sweet wife. I
said, “OK, I’ll take him. Hey, what happened funny today that I
could write about?” In her half asleep voice she said, “You could
tell them what I told you yesterday, that I think son #1 is growing
up because he took a shower without me telling him to.” I said,
“Close, but not quite what I’m looking for tonight.” Then I asked
son #4 what he did today. He jumped up and down on the bed and
said, while flapping his arms, “I went to the park and went ‘wee’
on the slide.” “C’mon squirt.” I said as we walked into the
kitchen. He wanted something to eat, so we popped some popcorn.
(Ok, I wanted something to eat too...) We went downstairs and here
we sit, him trying to feed me popcorn, telling me not to put my
hand in the bowl because it’s all his, me wrestling the mouse away
from him, and wondering where I’m going to find two more jokes.

So life goes on...

Tomorrow I’m taking my sweet wife to the play ‘You can’t take it
with you’. It’s a pretty late play, so I may do Thursday’s issue on
Friday.

Anway...
Enjoy today’s Jokes!
Marty

p.s. See the pre-test I took of 50 medical terminology words at the
end of today’s issue. Let’s see how many you know without looking
them up. The first one with more than 10 correct answers gets his
name and city in an issue!

What's under your pillow - Proctalgia

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Son #3 came up to me today and said, “Dad, did you know that if you
put candy under your pillow at night, there will be money under it
when you wake up?” “Oh,” I said. “Who did you hear that from?”
Knowing full well it had to be from another 7-year-old boy at
school. “Oh, my friend so-and-so told me. He did it last night.”
Yup, I was right.

“The only think I know of that works, is when you put a tooth under
your pillow, and the tooth fairy comes by.” I said. “Oh yeah, he
pulled his tooth out last night too. Will you pull my loose tooth
out for me?”

Now he’s missing his two front teeth and I have to look for one of
those ‘golden’ dollar he loves.

The things we do...

Oh, BTW, I signed up for a ‘Medical Terminology’ class at work.
Doesn’t have much to do with computer support, but I figure it
might come in handy sometime. We’re supposed to learn 350 medical
terms in the next 8 weeks. Words like Blepher- means eyelid, cardi-
means heart, -itis means inflamed, hepat- means liver. Then we put
them together hepat-itis is inflamed liver. Etc. Today we put
proct- and algia together. (pain in the butt) So if someone bugs
you tomorrow, just tell them they’re a proctalgia.

Smile and Buck up!

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday, September 20, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok, we're getting the PC back to somewhat normal. After I submitted
and re-read Thursday's issue, then read Justin's joke about `Things
I've Learned Since Hurricane Charley' (see joke #3) I thought,
Marty, what a whiner you sound like. Lost a little hard drive. Oh
boy. So what. So today I'm feeling grateful. I didn't lose a house
to flooding in the hurricane. I didn't die yesterday, so I can
teach my sons one more day not to pick their noses in public. I've
got a roof over my head and a bit of food stored up for a rainy
day. Things are so bad...

It's all how you look at things that count. Today as soon as I got
to work, logged in, and sat down, the phone started ringing. They
were the usual Monday morning calls with passwords, rebooting
problems, etc. But, as the morning went on, the calls didn't slow
down, they came even faster. Over the weekend, they did a huge
computer upgrade on some AS/400 servers, and apparently it didn't
go too well. I normally have between 40 and 50 calls a day. Today,
because of the upgrade problems, I took 90 calls.

I thought, there are two ways to look at this. I could say, "Gee,
those AS/400 folks really stink and don't know which end is up, and
because of them I was twice as busy as normal." Or, I could say,
"Wow, I really kept busy today. When it was almost time to go, I
thought, Whoa. Where did this day go?"

So, I thought happy, grateful thoughts today.

You should do the same. You are more affluent than 85-90% of anyone
in the world right now, and better off than 99% of anyone who lived
before you were even born.

Smile and buck up!

HD Crash

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, September 16, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok folks, we're flying by the seat of our pants here.
As you can tell, I haven't done an issue since Monday. Our hard
drive finally crashed and burned. No problem, I'll buy a new hard
drive and use the backup from July. It wasn't that long ago. I
started the restore and when to choir practice on Wednesday. Son
#4 thought it would be cool to use the computer while I was gone,
so he got on to play pinball. And deleted my restore file. So,
I've lost everything. *sigh* I guess it's not that bad. At least
I don't live in the South East US right now.

Let's see, what else has happened. We sprayed for spiders, and
had to put zippy and speedy the turtles in a tub outside for a
couple of hours. Only the tub wasn't big enough, and zippy used
speedy as an escape route. She's still MIA. I told son #2 that
drinking milk while he had a broken arm was good for healing.
We can't keep the house stocked enough. Let's see, we lost the
cell phone at the state fair, and I don't have a spell checker
for today's issue. No, don't go looking...

Editors Goof

[Editors goof; Son #1 won the 2nd (nice subscript “nd” ‘eh?) place
cracker stacking contest, Son #2 broke his arm. I think I goofed
in the last couple of issue. I call them wrong ‘names’ too,
believe it or not.]

Manipulative little snot...

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monday, September 13, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Mom, I’m tired of writing all of these papers for my English
class.” Son #1 said to my sweet wife.

My sweet wife replied, “Your teacher has a lot more work to do
than you do. She has to read all of those essays and journal
entries that your class turns in.”

~click~ (light bulb goes off in son #1’s head)

Tonight:
“Mom, we don’t have a paper to write in English for tomorrow.” Son
#1 said.

“Why” said my sweet wife?

Son #1 replied, “I told the teacher (nicely) that she was looking
a little tired, and I was sure that she didn’t want to read a
whole bunch of papers from us again tomorrow. She smiled and said
she would see. She just made us do writing in class today. No
homework!”

The manipulative little snot...

Enjoy today's Jokes!
Marty

p.s. I’ve started a blog, leaving just “the stories” at
http://martysjotd.blogspot.com/ where you can leave comments too.

Puffed out chests and a red ribbon at the Fair

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, September 09, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a tough night last night. Son #2 was up half the night saying his arm hurt. Then, son #4 had a cough and was up the other half of the night. Unlike feeding time in the middle of the night when they were little, I drug myself out of bed a few times to help the kids last night. I’m bushed.

Anyway, tonight was the opening day of the state fair. It’s not free to get in on the first day anymore, but you still can’t beat the first night price of a buck a head. We just happened to be at the right place at the right time tonight, and 4 of us ended up participating in the Keebler cracker-stacking contest. Sons #1, #2, #3, and I were all in different aged events. Son #3 had a huge stack of crackers, but when they said “time” and he had to let go, they fell over. Son #2, who’s broken arm is still pretty tender, refused to use his left hand for anything. Using just one hand, he didn’t have a chance. I had a perfect stack of 45 crackers in front of me when they said “time” (same amount as winning contestant). But 4 seconds after I backed away from the table, they came crashing down. All of the losers in each heat got a box of crackers. Son #2 however, won 2nd place in his heat. He not only got a box of crackers, but a huge red ribbon, a huge box with cookies, ice-cream cones, fig-newton’s, tons of goodies, and some toys.

After that, he was walking around the fair with a huge smile on his face, an even bigger red ribbon on his chest, and his chest so full of air that he actually looked like a (*shudder*) teenager.

For dinner, we stopped at the Arby’s next to the fair park. 3 really cute teenaged girls came in and said to son #1, “Where did you get that ribbon?” Son #1 smiled and (sucking air back into his chest) said, “From stacking crackers at the fair.” They looked a little puzzled so he tried to explain how he got his prize. I looked at him and said loud enough for them to hear, “Are you flirting with the girls again?” He looked at me and said, “No dad, they’re flirting with me!”

I could have just imagined him turning to the girls and winking at them. Thankfully he’s not that sophisticated yet!

Enjoy today's Jokes!
Marty

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, we've been lucky, and we've lasted a lot of years without
one, but today we got our first.

Son #2 was at school, on the new playground (the one I was telling
you about a few weeks ago) and wanted to play Superman. Standing
on a 2-foot high step, he opted not to jump for the first monkey
bar handle, and then decided against the 2nd monkey bar handle. He
thought that he could make the 3rd monkey bar handle that was 3
feet away. With a giant leap, he lunged for the handle, and
missed.

Down he came with a thud. He broke his left arm, just above the
wrist. So, after all of these years, we have our first broken
bone. (We've had plenty of stitches, no broken bones before
today).

The school nurse sat him down, gave him an ice pack, and said it
wasn't bad enough to call home for his mom. Once he convinced her
that it really was painful and got to use the phone, my sweet wife
immediately knew something was wrong. First she took him to the
Dr., then to the radiologist, and finally to an orthopedic
specialist. (He broke two bones, just above his wrist. One break
was on the growth plate, and the other was somehow `twisted'.) The
Ortho doc said it wasn't that bad, and put a hard cast on him and
wants to x-ray him again in a week.

Reactions to the day's events were quite different. After almost 4
hours of hauling her broken baby son #2 around, and with a whiney
nap-deprived son #4 demanding her attention every second, my sweet
wife had had about enough. When I got home and shut the bedroom
door behind us, my poor sweet broke down into tears.

I, on the other hand, had a different reaction. I thought, "hmm...
let's see, we haven't paid the deductible on this one yet, maybe
we could sell some pictures of son #3 with one and a half eyebrows
on eBay!" Maybe not...

Son #2, however, loved all of the attention. His brothers were
treating him like a warrior back from battle. They all wanted to
be the first to sign his cast, kept asking him if `it hurt', made
up `what if' stories, and talked about how puny his arm would be
in 6 weeks. (Only, I don't think he realized how hard it will be
to play video games! HA!)

Anyway, it's late, so...
Enjoy today's Jokes!
Marty

=-=-=-
Reader Comment Section

Hey Marty!
Thank you so much for the "Triangle of Life" link! It makes so
much sense. I'm forwarding this to everybody I know here in
California!
Thanks!
James G.

[Thanks James, Like I said, I have no idea if this really works,
so do a little research before you use it `eh? (grin)]

re; shaving/razor.......looks like it's time to put the blades
under lock & key until #4 gets past that stage.....he hasn't
developed real good cognitive thinking skills real well, so take a
pic of him, put it up on the fridge & then remind him that his
actions have consequences....ie, if you do A, B will happen.
besides, isn't an older brother supposed to do that stuff TO
him???????
~Linda W.

[I asked him about putting a picture of him on the refrigerator to
remind him about consequences. He didn't like the idea at all.
But, I think the other 3 boys have teased him enough that I think
he gets the idea.]